I am really struggling with something today. I am going to see my WW tonight (we are currently seperated). We are going to get together for a few hours. I have been Plan Aing for a while now and I really think that it is working. WW seems to be coming out of her fog when we get together, slowly but surely. I do not want to mess up any of this progress, but there are a few things that I feel like I need to ask her and get an honest answer from her:

1) Is the A really truly over. She told me when she moved out, the PA was over, but since we are seperated, how can I be so sure?

2) She told me a few weeks ago that OM (who is currently a co-worker) could possibly be getting a new job. When I asked what the status of this was yesterday, she said that she did not know. How can this be true. They work together and I still think they are talking, why wouldn't she know?

3) When the A first became known, she told me that her and OM never actually had sex. That all they did was fool around and "sleep" together. I don't want to push this subject, but I am finding it difficult to beleive that they never had sex. This A went on for anywhere from 6-9 months. For some reason I can't beleive that they never had sex. It probably shouldn't matter if they did or not, an A is still an A. But, I can't get this thought off my mind.

I know that I should probably just keep mum about this because if I bring them up, they will be some serious LB. But, for whatever reason, I feel like I need some justification (especially if the A is over) that all the effort and pain and suffering that I am going through is all for not. I am just looking for a little guidance.

Like I said it seems things are getting better, but I can never be sure.

Be up front and ask ALL of these questions. These issues are obviously bothering you and you need to know if WW is still deceiving you. My MC told US that we need to do MORE talking, even on the painful subjects.

Keeping these questions to your self will only intensify your situation and cause you to make assumptions that may or may not be correct.

Look for a possible third party that could verify your WW actions after you get some answers from her. If she still is deceiving you, the fog gets worse and more dense. You will find yourself in a different fog...wondering...assuming...getting angry..getting sad and depressed.

Openess on your part about your TRUE feelings will show her you care and expect the same from her. Even if it hurts.

Respectfully disagree, doogie. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

What good will it do for you (2510) knowing the answer to SF 'right now?'

There are 4 possible outcomes to asking her that question.

1. Lies and says she didn't. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
2. Lies and says she did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
3. Tells the truth and says she didn't. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
4. Tells the truth and says she did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Only #3 will make you feel better, but you have no way to know if she is really telling you the truth. You will have to accept her answer at face value, or run the risk of disrespecting her.

I think you have the right to ask that question, anytime, but my opinion is that you should wait until she feels safe telling you the truth.

As far as the OM, who cares? I know you do, but if you bring him up, that just makes her think about him. She will tell you when he leaves, most likely. If she says nothing, he most likely is still there.

Go have fun with her. Fun! Fun! Fun! Be light as a feather. No pressure. No hard questions. Save them for later. I think that your feeling that it would mess up your progress is correct.

You will always have time to ask the tough questions. You should act like Joe Cool tonight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

My opinion only, Your Mileage May Vary!,

Good Luck!

ST

2510, I agree with Tiger. Don't push it. She might even volenteer information without you asking.

As the day has gone by, I think I am leaning toward the advice of Sad Tiger and B.Jr. I am going out of town for the weekend. Leaving tomorrow afternoon for what should be a fun weekend. As I have thought about it, I don't want WW last impression of me being angry with her b4 I leave. I am feeling really excited right now to spend some time with her and I think I will continue with a good Plan A and ride that into a fun weekend for myself. Thanks for all your advice Doogie, Sad Tiger, and B.Jr.

2510;
I, too, agree with Tiger. There is one rule that applies here, and it is timing. You can, should, and will get all of your questions answered. In time, when the time is right for each of them.

Don't push her away now, when you need to bring her closer. If she will come closer, you can spend more time with her, make love bank deposits, and gain her trust, perhaps get together again and start recovery...think of THAT goal as you bite your tongue tonight, and have a fun, loving, great time with her!

For me I don't ask anymore. I asked in the past and if he did not want me to know he lied then, I found out later the truth I think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I only believe what he tells me when he his free from my pressure. Ask me no questions I'll tell you no lies. I like you am curious but it only ends up hurting. Whatever his motive, to protect me or OW, lying is a habit now. Live in the present. Take the good and try to let it go. If they did have sex WW cannot change the past. I am definitely making and finding out more info by just laying low and letting him go. Can't control his or OW behavior, only my own. Say it enough and you'll believe!

Try to not get hung up on the sex thing. The intimacy is what hurts me. I hate the fact that he shares uninterupted time with OW and not me (my kids are always around).
He never took anytime out of his day just for me but you know what? Neither did I.

I know how hard it is but I am so much more content with this attitude. Feel nothing for a couple days and when you get angery or curious write it down then throw it away. It works <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Extremely insightful, ST! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Remember that it's the WS who defines what a LB is for them... and asking too many questions before the A is over is usually a LB. After the A is over is another story. I agree that "independent monitoring" can be useful, although some might disagree. But not to "catch" your WW - more to take a pulse of your Plan A efforts, and tune them accordingly.

In fact, the total absence of pressure often acts like suction, drawing back a distancer. Of course, it can also become enabling with enough time, hence Plan B. We hope it doesn't get to that for you. Patience is important - looks like your d-day was "only" back in May...

I agree I agree!!! Don't bring it up at this point. I know you need to know, but at this point she isn't ready to tell you or she would have already!

Timing is everything. For now, go have fun!! You deserve it and it only works to your advantage! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks for all your advice. I did not bring any of it up last night. I really tried to continue a positive Plan A. I hope it is working. When we are together, I do see changes in her feelings towards me.

But at this time, it just feels like she wants to be my best friend (we always agreed that we were each others best friends) and nothing more. I know that it will take time for more, but I feel like I am getting to the point where I really need some of my EN to be met. They haven't been met for a long time, and I think its time for me to be the selfish one. Whenever we do get together, I am always the affectionate one (this was always one of her major complaints, that I wasn't affectionate enough). If I kiss her, she will kiss me back, but never anything more and she will not initiate anything. This really sucks.

Anyway, I am just venting. I just hope and pray that if I continue to show her how much she means to me, she will come around.

I am leaving this weekend to go play in a state softball tournament. This is an annual thing where all the guys take their spouses and go out of town for the weekend. In a way, this kind of sucks, because all the other guys are taking their spouses and I will be the only one on the team without mine. (In a way, I am hoping my wife will get depressed because she is missing it). I have just told myself that I am going to have a good time for myself this weekend and not worry about what is going on back home.