Hi!
I'm new to this so bear with me.

The short version:

Three years ago I found myself in a severe depression. I cried out for help several times but was not receiving support from my partner. I don't know if he just didn't understand, or was in denial, but I sought out someone else's companionship out of need for emotional support. This companionship was purely platonic for a year, and then the obvious happened. After a year of therapy, lies, hurt and anguish, I ran off for two weeks with this person. When I came back, I moved out.

Since then, my former partner has begged and pleaded with me to reconsider. He has tracked me down when I didn't want to be found, yelled, screamed, cried, and continued to believe in "us" even after I told him that I was in love with the other party. I found myself telling him lies so that I wouldn't have to deal with his rage at the situation and felt very guilty about this.

A year later, I went on another two week trip and didn't inform my ex-partner where I was. I told him that I was leaving for only a week to sort out what it was that I am really feeling inside. During the trip, I began to look at the whole experience with a different set of eyes and was suprised to find out that I still loved him. I realized that I was justifying my actions through his poor behavior and that's when my emotional bubble burst. I began to see my responsibility in this situation and was horrified that I could traet my loved ones so badly.

From that moment I knew that I wanted to move home and work on a plan towards resolution. I discovered that I was running from my true feelings and that I wanted to explore the "real" issues that led to the demise of our relationship. I knew that He might not want that, but was determined to at least let him know how I feel.

When I arrived to the house, I discovered that he was through and he informed me that he didn't love me anymore. I am not suprised by his reaction, but am sincere in wanting to committ to trying to repair what we had broken. I later discovered that he has started to date and I do not want to interefere in this. I'm trying to be supportive but at the same time I'm letting him know what I am feeling. I know it will take time for him to trust me, but I am willing to do what it takes to heal my family.

We have an 8 year relationship with many wonderful memories. I refused to look at these during my time "away" because I was so angry at the whole thing. I am regretting the bad choices that I made, and finally see how deeply I hurt him and our child.

Is there any hope that we can start to see each other with empathy again? He was truly my best friend for a long time and I sincerely miss his presence in my life. Should I just let go and finish dissolving the life that we once had?

I'm not proud of what I did and will NEVER result to that type of behavior again.

Kily:

Well, you've come to the right place! Read all you can from the main website, and the archives on this forum, and keep posting!

Whether your H decides to give you another chance is his decision, but I wouldn't "encourage" him to have an A of his own. If you are M'd, then that's exactly what it is. It will be no more appropriate for him to date than it was for you to have an A.

Recovering from an A is a lot of work, and takes a lot of love. I firmly believe that you will have to go through the recovery process whether you get back together or not, because you don't want the circumstances that led to your A to repeat with your H or with some new partner.

Good luck to you.

kily,

Welcome to Marriagebuilders. I think you will need to understand that what this is going to take is TIME and PATIENCE. You have been on your path of 3 years now and he has had to deal with that. You have now changed directions and it will take him a lot of time to deal with that as well.

I would strongly suggest that you read the material here. If you are of a mind I would recommend two books both by Harley; His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. You will see many things in these books that will open your eyes. If your partner becomes more receptive to you, it would be good for him to read them as well.

His poor behavior as you described it was his response to being hurt in the worst way. I realize that you won't really appreciate this fully.

It will probably be useful to have a few more details: Is the Other Man, OM, out of the picture?
How has your child been cared for? You or partner taking care of the child?
What was your interactions like these last few months? Little, some, angry, withdrawn, what?

What do you see now that you didn't see during all of this?

You will receive a lot of suggestions, advice, and help, but it will take us a while to get to know you. So the more information about your thoughts and his thoughts the better.

So do some reading on topics like "withdrawal", "needs", the four rules, and the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA.

Keep reading and posting, and be sure to ask lots of questions.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for all of your support. I actually started to cry when I read how non-judgemental and sincerely helpful everyone seems to be.

I've already read His Needs Her Needs and I will definately pick the other up this evening.

In response to the questions:

The OM and I have discussed moving in together and marriage. I explained to him the feelings that I am having and told him that I needed to step away from this so I could heal my family and repair the damage. He was sad but he completely understood my reasons for leaving. He asked if we could continue the friendship and I explained to him that as much as I would like to, it was impossible if I am to fix what has been broken. Again he was sad. He was extremely supportive and did not try to stop me. It was hard to do, and I miss the support that I received from him very much.

The kids have been spending time between their respective father's and me. For the most part, I would spend a few nights a week at EBF house and we ate together almost every evening. There would be raging battles pretty much every evening, and the kids would spend most of the time in their rooms avoiding the conflict. There were other times when we would sit calmly at the table and I would open up to him about my feelings. I know it wasn't easy for him to sit and listen, but in those instances, I genuinely felt that he cared about me.

For the most part, I was avoiding him as much as I could because I felt that he was trying to ensnare me back into the life that I had clawed my way out of. I was so terrified of falling back into that trap that I didn't want to offer myself up for sacrifice again. I didn't trust that he would be able to "change" some of his bad behaviors because he had been in denial for so long. I felt that he would dismiss these events as he had my depression and within months, everything would be exactly the way it was before I left. I was angry because he ignored me and my feelings for so long, and all I wanted was to be alone so that I could heal. I guess I was extremely withdrawn at this time.

What I see now is that His poor behavior after I left was really his response to the pain that he was feeling. I didn't want to believe that he cared about me so I convinced myself that this was just him wanting to control me. I also see that I was looking for him to complete the emptiness that I was feeling inside of me. He couldn't do this because I was broken. I also see that he was also affected by the events in the relationship and had a different way of dealing with this. I felt neglected and uncared about, and he probably felt helpless and unloved. I became so destitute that I didn't see any way out but to flee to someone else. That was completely wrong, but easy to say in hindsight. Lastly, I see that he really loved me and tried so desperately to reach me at a tremendous personal cost. I think it was this realization that gave me hope that we could work through all of the damage.

I began to realize that starting a new relationship isn't going to heal me. The problems will repeat until they're addressed. I recognized that the kids deserved to have both of their parents togther in a loving realtionship if this is possible. I realized that He and I know each other so well that we have the power to destroy each other. I also understand that this is a double edged sword because we know how to love each other too. We just need to learn how to communicate, respect, and trust each other.

kily - in addition to the other advice, I recommend you write and send a "no contact" letter to OM, explaining your decision in much the same way you explained it to us. The bottom line MUST be that you can never see or communicate to each other again. Period. Anything less than that committment will not work.

Then send a copy to your H.

Seek out and communicate with other former WSs here for their advice.

In addition, consider counseling with the Harleys or a local counselor. For recovery to be successful, counseling for both of you may be imperitive.

Good luck and you will find the help you need here.

Hi Kily. So sorry you are going through this, but know that you are not a lone. Someone mentioned above that maybe you could connect with some other WSs and hear there stories, etc. Well, I would like to take the time to share some of me and mine with you. Following are several links to threads I started here and received some great and valuable advice on. I hope they help you in some of your trials now, and also give you some encouragement that there is hope.

My Story First Told
Sharing Info.
Two Steps forward, One Back
A Down Point

Darn buttons are so close - sorry 'bout that. . .

Hi Kily. So sorry you are going through this, but know that you are not a lone. Someone mentioned above that maybe you could connect with some other WSs and hear there stories, etc. Well, I would like to take the time to share some of me and mine with you. Following are several links to threads I started here and received some great and valuable advice on. I hope they help you in some of your trials now, and also give you some encouragement that there is hope.

My Story First Told
Sharing Info.
Two Steps forward, One Back
A Down Point
Parade with Rain
A Look at Progress
1 Year

I know this is a very difficult time for you, but you can and will make it through this. You sound like you are doing a lot of good things to start with and I hope that your husband can see that. Remember, it will take a lot of time. I cast my husband out of my life for a good 2 yrs. It does get better as each day passes, and it is well worth all the work. We still have our ups and downs, but I think that both of us are confident that our marriage will survive and that we truly belong together.

I wish you the best, and if there is more I can offer, please do not hesitate to ask me.

Boy did I mess up. Let's try the links this way.

My Story First Told
Sharing Info
Two Steps Forward, One Back
A Down Point
Parade With Rain
A Look At Progress
1 Year

Again, so sorry about that.

Hi Tutter,

Thanks for sharing your story with me. After reading what you've written, I am in tears. When I started to read about how neglectful you felt towards your family, my heart was hammering. I can't tell you how many times I had been there over the last few years and it really disgusts me that I walked away from them. My poor kids. The other day my five year old looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "I don't have a family anymore, my heart is broken". All I wanted was to take that notion from him and provide him with what I've denied him for so long. That poor kid deserves a real mom, not this lost, selfish person that I became. When he said that, he touched on the most painful realization that came to me while I was away. I WANT MY FAMILY BACK TOGETHER!

I also became a little saddened and somewhat hopeless about my current situation. One thing that you had woorking to your advantage was that you and your husband were married. I'd never had the pleasure and don't share that type of bond with Him. I look at the situation and wonder what right I have to ask him to stop dating "J" when I have been so completely un-reachable for so long. I'd be suprised if he ever wants me to even be a friend of his. Why should he believe me now when for so long all I did was run away?

I asked him to allow me to come to a session with him the next time he goes. He said he would allow me a courtesy visit, but this was to iron out the details of how we would relate to one another in the future. He hasn't called to make an appointment though, and I tried calling his therapist myself. I never received a response. I believe the therapist needs His approval before he can talk to me.

Meanwhile He is cutiing me off from his life as completely as he can. At first he wouldn't even speak to me. Now at least he listens to me for a few minutes before he hangs up on me. Sometimes he reacts to something I say with anger. Believe it or not, I'm glad when he does because at least we are communicating.

I suppose I've rambled enough. I could go on for hours.......

Thanks for listening. It's nice to know there is someone other than the OM that I could turn to.

Kliy - One thing I have learned, especially with the help of my DH, is that you must not try to recreate or give back the time that has been lost. Unfortunately it is lost for good. You can never get back that time. It's hard to stomach and hard to accept, but it is the cold hard truth. Look at today and tomorrow. Your 5 year old will grow strong as you develope and continue to love and nurture. I have a 4 yr. old and he has begun to learn that fights are not about him and that DH and I are doing a pretty good job of raising him and helping him to feel that love, nurture, and goodness again.

Still, even if you have not been married, there is always a chance. Let him know that you don't want to rip him from a relationship he wants, but that you cannot just close the door on the two of you. Tell him that you realize his love for you must be strong and is so real, and all you ask is that he keep an open heart to allowing you some time to show him that your love for him is the same. Start out as friends. There is nothing wrong with that - I think some of the best relationships start as real and true friendships.

You see, our stories appear to be very similar - with the exception of marriage. Work on making you a better person. He is the father of your child right? So, you do have to have contact in some way - make it the best possible contact you can. Try not to smother him with apologies and explainations. When he is ready for them he will ask his questions, and when he does be completely open and honest.

Try to plan a get together. Ask if he'd like to go to dinner - no strings attached. Just a nice dinner and time to talk about whatever HE desires. A reacquaintance, even if only as friends. Allow the rest to just happen. Don't push, allow it to happen.

Don't give up on you, that is the key. Work on making each day good, no great, for you and your children.

I hope this helps. I am here if you need me, and I am more than happy to share my experiences and offer any and all insights and help I have. I don't have internet at home, so I'm only around during the work day. I wish you the best. Take care, and keep your chin up. Remember, the grass isn't greener on the other side, it's just how you tend to that which is on your side. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Kily,

I am not meaning to sound tough. My situation sort of mirrors yours, in that after a 2 year A that my WW had, she is just now showing signs of remorse. I will give you my perspective of the BS side. Mine is currently happening now, as my WW has just began to apologize after filing for DV, and us not seeing or talking to each other for the past 2 months.

#1 -- Go SLOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW. Right now a push may push me the wrong way. In my case, I am at the point of "fence-sitting", just as my WW was during the A. Think back to when you began to be unsure of what you REALLY wanted. He is there now......

#2 -- Expect nothing. You have just injured him in the most severe way he can think. He is STILL hurting. It is going to be extremely hard for him to "process" everything that has happened. In the first stages of discovery of the A, he had many reasons to want to rebuild the M. Now, in order for him to have "survived" over the past couple of years, all those reasons began to, ever so slowly, be replaced by reasons why he shouldn't. It's probably going to take darn near the same amount of time to reverse it back.

#3 -- </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know it will take time for him to trust me, but I am willing to do what it takes to heal my family. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You better TRULY believe this. "Whatever it takes". Literally. Some of them you can't even begin to imagine. If he loved you as much as I loved (and still do) my WW, then it will be tough. Right now, I can honestly say that I love my W, but yet, am indifferent to her at the same time. We are not programmed to handle that. But, he will. It all depends on how you handle these things as to which will win.

Be gentle. Understand that he may get severely annoyed at times. That is not being annoyed at you. He will be angry because HE is confused, now. And we have a difficult time handling confusion. We all do.

I hope you haven't taken my words as being too harsh. They are just the true facts, according to my situation.

You will have to be patient, and VERY understanding, and at the same time, sometimes you will need to slide YOUR feelings aside for a bit. Remember this. It WILL NOT be him "paying you back", although you may feel this way.

I wish you the best. You DO have a chance. As small as my wife may have one, there is STILL a chance.

HCII

Just a small observation, Kily....

Your topic title is Ready to end the affair.....

Is it still somewhat ongoing?

HCII

HCii,

Thank You for your very kind words. I know it must be hard to talk about your own situation, but if it is any consolation, it has helped comfort me. I say that they are kind words because I recognize the truth in what you have said to me. I don't feel that you were being harsh at all.

I have spent many nights reflecting on my life, relationships, actions, and feelings. I have only been able to see my XBF's pain because I was able to look past my own. I realize that it will take a lot of love and comittment to repair what was broken, I'm still struggling with the issue of "Do I have the right to hold on when he has finally resolved himself to walking away?"

It is because I love him that I don't want to put him through anymore pain.

You are extremely perceptive in your question about my being "ready" vs. "is it over yet". It's hard for me to be honest about this because I have been the queen of lies for so very long. It's difficult to convey my feelings as well because I tend to be very protective for fear of being hurt.

I think I worded it the right way because I am "ready". I have stepped back from the involvement with the OP in order to process what is going on inside of me. I've been wanting to BC for a few weeks, and after voicing my feelings, he has been supportive and respectful of this decision. I am turning to this web site in the moments where I am weak and wanting someone to talk to instead of emailing or calling him. I have constructed the NC letter in my head at least a hundred times, and I suspect that very soon I will be mailing it out.

In some ways, I'm relieved to be alone because the pressure is off of me and I have a clear mind for the first time in a long time. This allowed the blinders to come off and now I feel I am walking in the ruins of a major city after an earthquake has leveled it. In fact the more I am away from it, the more I realize how important it is to me that I try to heal my family.

I think what makes this extremely difficult is that my XBF doesn't want to even talk about trying to heal this. I'm willing to write the NC letter, go to therapy, move back in, and dedicate my emotions and efforts into rebuilding our life, but I want a commitment from him in return.

As he put it: "You can't make me love you anymore than I could make you love me". I can't make him want to repair this either and I don't know if I should try.

I find the letter difficult to write because the OP has been my support network for two years. This whole thing started because of emotional needs not being met and I find it really ironic that in order to heal, I'm deliberately cutting that support off. Forever! The difficulty is compounded because I don't even have the commitment to working on healing the damage from the EBF.

So, what kind of answer was that? Pretty clouded, Eh?

This is one of the reasons why I want to make an appointment with his therapist. I feel that professional guidance is important right now so that I don't destroy any more lives with my destructive attitudes. All of us were hurt and I want to proceed with as much caution as possible and be as realistic as I can be.

I did pick up a copy of Harley's "Surviving an Affair" and have zipped through the first four chapters. I sincerely want to address this issue so I don't ever fall into this trap again. My XBF has agreed to reading it, but I think he may be reactive to the topics inside. I'm hoping it will at least give him something to think about. If not for helping us heal, than for helping him with his next relationship.

Kily,

You know I have read you post and I can see the crack you are in. You don't want to lose what you have, but you also cannot gain what you want unless you lose what you have. Then you said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think what makes this extremely difficult is that my XBF doesn't want to even talk about trying to heal this. I'm willing to write the NC letter, go to therapy, move back in, and dedicate my emotions and efforts into rebuilding our life, but I want a commitment from him in return. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My first reaction was: She wants a commitment from him??? What does she mean? What could she possibly expect after leaving him for two years?

Then I thought some more and it dawned on me. It seems to me the real problem is that neither of you never made a commitment: no marriage right?? So what we have are two people that are afraid of commitment and yet want and wanted desperately to have that commitment from the other. Do you see the irony of this Kily???

I am thinking that the best suggestion I could make to you is to find a very good counselor and address this issue of commitment. It seems to be a serious issue with you both with your ex BF and your current BF. It seems to me until you can address this, there is little chance of a long lasting commitment with your exBF or any man in your life. This seems more important than whether your exBF will give it a chance. You are ready to pitch the current bF over the edge as well.

Do you see what I mean?? I hope so.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

It's fair to question my wanting a commitment from my XBF....I guess it does sound pretty irrational without knowing all of the history.

First, let me state that the type of commitment that I was referring to in my last post was just an agreement that he was willing to go to therapy to open our wounds and see what is really wrong with us. I certainly don't expect for him to accept me with open arms and say "Hey let's run off and get married!"

Let me just leave it at:

We both were responsible for the conditions that made it possible for the eventual introduction of a third party into our lives. Regardless of who's to blame, the history can not be changed. We both need to stop running away from the issues and pain. I'm looking for answers and solutions now. I very much want to go back to where the damage started so we can possibly get to the real issues, or pehaps find closure.

You hit one of the fundamental issues that led to my bad choices right on the head.

I have been wanting commitment from the XBF for some time. We had been living together for 8 YEARS (Dating for 12) and although it was discussed, we never went through with it. I did invest in a gown, veil, shoes, flowers, and rings, but as usual things didn't work out. He wanted a huge party, and I wanted a quick elopement. We let it slip through our fingers.

I always find it easier to blame myself than to pin the responsibility on someone else so over time I began to believe that it was some character flaw in me that prevented this from happening. I talked myself into believing that I wasn't deserving of that type of commitment from anyone. I didn't want to consider the possibility that the relationship had problems, or that maybe He just didn't really want it. Psychologically, I took this as a deep rejection and I shut off because I din't know how to change it. Other factors added to this process, this is a simplified summation.

I became hopeless because I saw this as a dead end relationship, and I really didn't want for it to be this way. I began to feel weary, like we were very old. I saw nothing left in our life to look forward to. I truly loved this man and was hurting very deeply but saw no way of changing the situation. This was the start of the downward spiral. At the time I remember the remark came up that I was the basic thread that was holding the family together, and we both recognized then that if I let go, it would all come apart. Boy were those comments so true...

There were times when I sat on my kitchen floor, doubled over in pain, crying and begging for him to help me fix this or to help me end this. His reaction was to tell me that if I wanted out I had to do it myself. As I said before, I ran to someone else because I was so completely despondant and I was just looking for some salvation. That's when XBF got a wake up call.

During the last year, I have done quite a bit of personal work. I came to an understanding of what I felt marriage really meant and I was comfortable with the idea of legally and spiritually partenering with the man that I intend to spend the rest of my life with. I came to see that I was deserving and it is what I want for me and the ones that I love. I really meant it when I said that his is what I ultimately want from him. I know it will take years and be hard work, but I feel that the fight will make it more rewarding, valuable, and meaningful in the end.

I don't see what I'm going through at the moment as discarding a new BF. Maybe I'm talking from the FOG right now so I will consider this more. What I'm feeling is that I can't go on with this new relationship while so much is still unresolved. It's not fair to the OP, the XBF, the kids, or me. I've been completely honest to him about all of this and as I said before, he only wants for me to be healthy and happy, regardless of who I'm with.

Thanks for your observations and words. I may have been defensive in my answers, and for that I apologize.

This is HARD to talk about especially with thousands of people reading it, but it is from the heart not the ego.

The XBF called his terapist for a "courtesy" visit. I'm not expecting anything, but I'm glad that we are seeing a professional together.

Thanks for the support.

I was reading some other posts and I came across this quote from a WH to his wife:

"I feel like I am dying inside right now. This situation is killing me, I do not know what to do. I am sick of being in the middle of this spider web. I have to get my head on straight. I need to know something, why do you want me to come back so bad, when all I have ever done is what is best for me, not what is best for us, I have lied to you, I have spent the last year with someone else. I am so confused right now, I do not know where to go from here. Sorry I am not trying to upset you, I am just having a very hard time breaking free. My heart is completely broken right now. I am scared to death of losing everything. I am so sick of just being
content with my life I want to be Happy."

This sums up everything that I have been trying to say over the last few posts. I feel so alone.

Kily,

Now we are getting somewhere. When I read you post about commitment, I think that you have begun to touch on the issues both of you have. Why is that important now? Because your exBF may still have those issues. I don't mean that you should run up and propose marriage to him as a way of stating your commitment. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

What I mean is that you need to face reality here. You were in a dead in relationship and didn't know if for awhile. Unfortunately, at least one child came from this relationship. I would suggest that you should never get into something that doesn't have a commitment involved. What do I mean? I mean if after a period of time the relationship isn't advancing and no commitments have been made, you should leave and certainly you should have done that before children came along.

You sold yourself short, Kily. I fear that you will do so again. So will your xBF. It seems to me that if you two ever do talk, you need to really discuss this issue of commitment, and how it should be manifested in your relationship. This is the POJA part of the MB approach and although you are not married, I would suggest that you should not go back unless that is the end goal between you two. If only one is committed then... well you have seen the results.

1st you were committed and wanted to marry and he wasn't, the you weren't and left and he was. Now, neither of you are really committed, but you feel the need to see if something can be resolved either postively or negatively (with regard to the relationship). I don't blame you and think you are doing the right thing. I also think that your exBF needs to know where you are coming from.

You are looking for closure, rebuild or moving on, depending on what BOTH of you decide this time, not just one at a time.

I hope we can help, but I do think that you two need to talk about this and the issue of commitment and what it means to both of you. It seems that is what both of you are seeking. Of course you are not unique, after all here are in the same boat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hope something I have said helps.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

You've been a great support. Thnaks for caring. I need a friend right now.

I agree that the commitment thing is #1 as far as topics to iron out. I don't intend to go back unless that is what we are working towards. We all deserve that much! I guarantee that when I do finally get married, I will never fall into the A trap and my Vows will truly mean someting to me when I take them!

I sat with the X for an hour yesterday while our son played at the playground. I tried to be calm and I handed him a printout of this whole posting and a copy of Surviving an Affair. I did this because I want him to see how sincere I am in my desire to change things. He was angry, although the intensity was quite less than last week. He again informed me that he didn't want to fix this and I again stated very calmly that we could regain what we lost if we are both willing to fight for it.

Do you think I'm just chasing a dream here? Should I just be glad for the memories that we had and just walk away?

I have to believe that the feelings that we shared are still somewhere inside of him. He's turned into a very bitter man that I hardly recognize. Is this all "self-protection" or will it always be this way? I'm really confused because five weeks ago a reconcilliation was all he wanted. Now he can't stand to be in the same room with me.

Should I back off completely? It seems like he is reacts negatively to any positive gesture I try to make. When I left, I avoided him at all costs because I felt like he was trying to control me. Now I think he is feeling that way towards me and it is sooooo confusing.

The therapist still hasn't returned wither of our calls and I'm loosing hope. Any advice would be welcomed right now.

Thanks for listening to me whine.

Kily,

There is a famous quote: "the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference". Your BF is NOT indifferent.

He has been very very deeply hurt, but has had to hold it in because he was trying so hard to get you back. Now he has sort of given up, and you are back and he is unsure. But, one thing he is sure of he has a whole lot of pain and anger stored up from the years you have dumped him and he will probably need to let this out.

Will he become who he was? I doubt it. Can he become a better man and not a bitter man, I am sure he can but this is going to take time, alot of time. You will have to do the work so to speak. In the sense of reassuring him of what you want. You see, he doesn't trust a thing you are saying and he is not sure WHY you are coming back toward him. He will need to see that you care and want this badly. It will take many months.

I would recommend as a first step that you become friends again. Start to do things together if he will, just small baby steps. Gradually, he will sense and feel where you are and begin to open up. At first he may want to continue dating the other girl, but you are the mother of his child so that will play in your favor. I think you need to make the commitment to try this, and not expect any commitment from him.

The problem right now is any verbal commitment you make to exBF won't mean much to him. He will need to see action. He may or may not respond positively to you, I cannot predict that.

But, I do think you seeking counseling is a good thing, and perhaps as your exBF sees you really trying he may do the same. The pain of a rejection such as you gave him is very deep, and really challenges a persons belief in themselves on many levels. Piece by piece he will have to put that back together. Even dating this other girl is probably helping his self esteem. It may lead to him pulling away or it may lead to him seeing you differently.

Just remember he hasn't seen you in a postive light in 3 years. He very likely doesn't really recognize you in your new form. Scary isn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But have some faith in yourself and the innate goodness of your exBF. Give it time and you will gradually see how the winds are blowing. He is no doubt doing the same, to see if you run back to the man you have been living with for the past year or so.

Have patience Kily and keep focused on this. It will take awhile.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

You always know just what to say......how did you get to be so insightful?

It's funny because one morning I woke up, took a long look in the mirror, and didn't recognize me either. That is what prompted me to look very deeply inside to see what I was running from.

I understand what you are saying about growth, both his and mine. On some deep level, I realized that deep personal growth was necessary for our relationship to get to a different level. (Either gone, or more comitted) The only way I knew how to kick start this was to completely let go. Nothing else I did was working.

I understand how this new woman is necessary for him, and I think that is why I am trying not to be territorial or judgemental about it. I know what I learned in time through my own journey, and I know that his journey has only now really started and his lessons will need to be learned. I do agree that friendship is absolutely the place to start. It's hard to establish that when he hates so deeply.

If it's one thing I've learned through all of this it's that loving someone is giving them enough room to find out who they are. In some ways that is what PLAN A is about...or at least I think so. It's hard to do, but it also allows the person doing the PLAN A to really learn about themselves too.

One clarification that I want to add "For EGO puposes" is that I never lived with anyone else. When I moved out of the home that we both owned together, I supported my own apartment @ $1K a month, continued to pay for daycare for my younger son @ $700 a month, and continued to work a full time job and still take a few night courses.

I never took a dime from him because I felt that this was my pennance for leaving. I knew he couldn't afford to keep the mortgae and slide money my way for the support of our son so I assumed responsibilty. It's important that I stress this because it was something I acheived and didn't think that I could. In some ways I felt that this would lesson the blow to him. The suprising thing is that I have grown to love myself through all of this and to really understand my spirituality.

Now these lessons will be tested and we will see just how much I have really learned....

Thanks again for your words. I'm glad you are my friend.