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Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 223
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M Offline
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 223
"I also don't have internet access on the weekends, No TV or Phone for that matter either."

Thanks for the heads up...now I'll be patient and pray even more for you on the weekends. No PHONE?!? damn, how do you do that?

"Patience is the answer, and also patience with myself. I suppose that if nothing else comes of this, at least I'm learning how to listen to others and to myself."

Yup, so true. I have never had a lot of patience. This whole experience has sure taught me some, humility as well.

"Yes, something in me has changed, but I'm not sure what. I only hope that my kids benefit from my lessons."

Oh they already have, I'm sure. Please refresh my memory, how old are they? My older daughter, who will be 9 in January, still asks sometimes about things that happened back then. My girls both met OM and thought highly of him for a while. He just KNEW how to win them over.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Now they know that he isn't a very nice person. He did things to hurt this family and his own. My older daughter seems to have a hard time figuring out how he could come across one way and be another at other times. I (we) just give her honest answers at her level, things that she can understand.
Sometimes when we have a heated discussion now, she will come to us afterward and ask if we resolved everything. We promised her that we would never divorce, and she likes to get reassurrance from us after those scary times. She is so darn cute though, the way she asks. It is getting to be more of a joyous statement than a question and it is nice to hear the confidence in her voice.
OK enough about that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have a few questions for you, if you don't mind. You may have covered these already, if so refresh my memory...Please?!? When was the last time you had contact with OM? How are your withdrawal feelings going? I had a heck of a time with withdrawal...even though I WAS SURE that I wanted my marraige to work. It was still tough. I told H, and a few of my friends as well, that I may just need to call once in a while to satisfy an urge to call him. that went away quickly though and withdrawal soon became disgust and anger. Like I mentioned before, forgiving myself is a hard road to travel. Sometimes I think I have it ok, then it will pop up again and I will get sick to my stomach with disgust...
Well, I feel like I'm rambling now. Gotta go empty the dishwasher. Have a great night. I'll be back tomorrow night, I'm sure!

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 1,261
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Joined: Aug 2002
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Hello MRS. WLD,

Sorry, I wasn’t completely clear with what I was trying to convey. I do have a cell phone, just not a phone where I can dial out with a PC to get to the Internet. Sorry for the confusion.

Humility is my middle name these days. I don’t mind that though. I’m always willing to learn something and I think that in order to do so, you have to get to a point where you are willing to see yourself through someone else’s eyes. It’s painful, but so enlightening when you can be open and accepting.

I have two boys ages 14 and 5. The 14 year old seems to have benefited quite a bit from this whole experience.

The details:

During most of the time that I lived with XBF, OS (Older Son) had many issues with self-esteem. I did as much as I could for him, but nothing seemed to be working. We tried sports, swimming, cub scouts, baseball lessons with the pro’s, basketball, counseling, peer groups, and extra mentoring with Sylvan learning center but nothing seemed to help his confidence. XBF did love my son, and still does. His personality is really demanding, and although he wasn’t physically abusive, his overly demanding nature created a very rough environment for someone that was struggling to learn his identity. Moms own identity was hanging in limbo and that certainly added to the issue. In later discussions XBF agreed that his attitude towards OS was a problem area and he did commit to changing it.

One thing I remembered was how miserable I would get when XBF would “pick” OS apart. One of my personal peeves especially was that if OS didn’t stand still while being talked to, he was yelled at for not standing still. It sounds really dumb in retrospect, but I came to resent this constant criticizing, and it started to dawn on me that I was being treated in the exact same manner as my child. My OS doesn’t always rocks back and fourth, even while playing football in High School! It is one of his “ticks” that he has no control over. I just remember feeling very frustrated and helpless because we always had to submit to what XBF wanted or to face the consequences of his personality. I was this kids mom and I felt like I was doing nothing to help him or protect him from the situation. This was one of the feelings that I consciously remember burying and fighting with during my dark depressive days. It became “XBFs way or no way.” I felt like it was Marshall Law and I had to submit or die.

Back to OS…..
After I started therapy, and really started opening up, I became really honest with OS. I started talking about pain, and fear, and how you have to love and accept yourself for who you are and not base your opinion of yourself on what other’s say. Once I moved out, he commented on how happy I was and how he thought that leaving was the right thing to do. He arrived at a point in his own life where he understood what self love was about, and the kids that were teasing him didn’t have an effect on him any longer. He often jokes with me that it only took him 13 years to learn what it took me 32 years to learn. I’m just glad to see him thriving. I still feel GUILT about taking the family that we knew away from him, but he has his mom back. For a long time, I was not capable of doing anything for him.

DS on the other hand is a completely different entity. I’ve been soul searching a lot on this topic and I’m glad that you touched on it today. This poor kid has been through HE!! and back for the young years that he has had to live. Mom and Dad were always fighting about something and Mom emotionally withdrew from him at the tender age of 3! He has no mental capacity to understand what I was going through, or what his father was feeling. All he knows is the rage that was undermining everything. I sat and watched him sleeping last night, and I wondered what kind of emotional damage have I created for this poor kid. I know that I love him dearly, but I left him twice while I was escaping the “jailor” that I saw XBF to be. I didn’t want to, but I felt that trying to keep contact would only bring me more pain from XBF’s wrath. (FOG justification here) GOD I was so lost and blind. I really wish that I could take back the last few years and have the knowledge that I do today. I know that I can only move forward and offer him as much love, patience, and understanding that I can possibly muster up.

This has taught me to value every precious thing that I can about my kids. I know that when most parents get annoyed about some thing like spilling milk, I smile and see the beautiful moment that my son has made an attempt at learning how to do something and misjudged the situation. I encourage the effort and dismiss the negative as much as I can. Sometimes, my youngest gets really upset with himself and I just say to him, I love you no matter what. You are a beautiful person and I will always be here. Then I hug him.

Well today I discovered that DS is being very disrespectful to his teacher! I know exactly what is going on, and it makes me very sad because this kid is only acting out because his life is so confusing right now. His Dad has been VERY angry with me and DS has only seen disrespect transpire between the two of us. Now that he has no control over his situation, he is acting out to remedy the problem. I feel so accountable.

In talking with Dad about the problem, I mentioned that I was feeling very emotional towards the whole situation because I feel that I created it. Dad feels that the issue is branching from a lack of sleep at school. I agreed that this was part of the problem, but I told him that I think there might be more there that we need to look at. He then tells me that I have a tendency to make a bigger deal out of things than they really are and that I’m overreacting to this situation.
I’m really struggling with this because I want what is best for DS. I responded very calmly by saying I am trying to look at this situation from all angles and I agree that this might be due to a lack of sleep. I am considering other avenues because if there is a problem, I want to make sure we address it. I’d rather be overly cautious and wrong, than to neglect an issue and cause more damage. It hurt that he dismissed my opinion in this manner because it touches on the old wounds of not having a right to my opinion. I’m really worried. I know that he is worried too and that he loves DS as much as I do. I’m sure the answer lies somewhere between our two positions and right now the only thing that matters is that we pull together to help DS.

My reflections here are based on thoughts that I had while in the depression and up until my recent “awakening”. I still have to struggle with the old thought patterns, but my perspective has changed and I’m really working on creating a different relationship with XBF. Humility and patience….. I’m only raising these thoughts because I want to demonstrate that my wanting to heal this is not an easy choice, and I do not see XBF as a saint. We both have faults and qualities that are good. I am choosing to accept him for who he is, regardless of how he feels about me.

Thanks I really needed to share that.

“I have a few questions for you, if you don't mind. You may have covered these already, if so refresh my memory...Please?!? When was the last time you had contact with OM? How are your withdrawal feelings going?”

Last contact with the OM was the night that I came home from vacation Aug. 15.
I made mental detachments prior to this, but this was the day that the “NEED” for that relationship was truly gone. I just felt extremely guilty about ending it and it took me some time to gain the courage to do it. I wrote an extremely honest and personal letter a little over a week after this that explained the things that we had discussed on this night, and mailed it to him. It was extremely hard to cut the ties because he had been my emotional support and friend for a long time before the EA ever started. I just reached a place where I just wanted to be outside of any relationships for a while. I really want to make repair the damage that I caused because my family deserves that chance, but I also need to heal me too.

The withdrawal has been pretty tough because there is only me. XBF does not want any part of me so I can’t turn to him with the feelings that I’m having. Instead, I’ve turned into myself. I’m making friends with my inner demons and when I can’t stand the loneliness, I go for a drive, a walk on the beach, or to the bookstore and buy books. I’ll write down the story of how I met my inner child next time. This is a pretty awesome story and describes exactly how damaged I was and how far I’ve come in this journey. The last thing I want to do is to start any relationships so I’m finding the time alone to be a positive. This site has helped quite a bit too.

All for now, I’ve babbled much to long.

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