I am so grateful to find this website! I ran across it tonight and have read many of the articles. I would like to write for some advice because my husband had a one night stand with a "friend" from work. I knew of this woman and unfortunately I didn't think too much of it- she was one of the "group"- 5 or 6 people from work my husband went out with occ. after hours. To my knowledge it had always been a group setting, and happened occ. Plus, he invited me to come a couple times and I thought everyone seemed nice.
This affair happened while I was away for the weekend, visiting my parents. I knew the moment I came home something was up, and two weeks later he finally confessed. Of course I was/am devastated. I left the home for a couple weeks to stay with my parents because I truly could not stand to be around him.
My husband kept calling and begging for me to come home and work things out. I did, and said I would attempt to reconcile if he did two things- couseling (for both of us), and cease all contact with this woman, which in all likelihood means he needs to find a new job. Well he agreed to the first but not to the second. I can understand why he doesn't want to leave- he loves that job and honestly, I DO feel bad asking him this. But I am not doing for revenge or to be mean, I simply can't see how we can even attempt to move on, when he is working closely with her monday through friday, AND continuing to go out with group, INCLUDING her!!
He thinks this is unfair- my question is, since this was "only" a one night stand, do I have the right to ask him to leave his job? If there was a way he could work there but not communicate with her, or at least keep it 100% professional, I'd deal with it, but I don't think this is realistically possible. Especially since they have mutual friends and will be socializing together.

PLEASE HELP! It has been 3 months and I feel physically sick when he goes to work, knowing he'll see her, and when he goes out with her and his friends. I have started taking medication for depression. I would really appreciate advice.

Hi Libbe,

Good to see you here and I'm glad you found the site!!!

You should go throgh all of the materials on the site and I would read, Surviving An Affair.

Harley believes that "extrodinary precautions should be taken" so NO CONTACT is made between the WS and the OP. Exactly how those rules are used here, you'll see tremendous variance in a case by case basis. By all accounts we should have sold our new home and moved as OM is only two blocks away. That's a hard one also. So far we've been very successful at our M and not bumping into him.

This is something you have to work on with your H. This is why I'm saying to read all the material and books you can get at least you'll have a better idea and so will he of what should be done and what should not. "Radical honesty" comes to mind as does a "Policy of Joint Agreement" and him being accountable for all of his time IF he were to stay working there.

I and others here know the pain and dilemna you are facing. It's not easy. But given the wealth of information at your disposal along with this forum, you should be able to make some pretty good decisions.

I wish you luck and read on and keep posting!!!

MITT

L,

Welcome to MB. It' a lifesaver to have these wonderful MBers for support. I'm copying something from the megapost over on Just Found Out that has relevance to your question regarding contact. Hope it helps!
BH,
Quoting "P" who is talking here...

No contact is paramount. I agree with Cerri’s “you don't have him back yet to lose, as long as he is still involved with her in any way.” Oh, and I like this too: “let him know you are hurt and offended beyond belief every time he sees or speaks to her. That doing so is unacceptable to you. Do it factually and without demands or disrespect.” Because he is going to have to make a choice. Either to completely end all contact with the OW AND commit to recovery to you, or he can have her as his “friend.” Moving back into your house, going through the motions of recovery with you, but having her to confide with was just going to end in tragedy and more hurt than you’ve already gone through. He has to make a choice. Period.

Ok, here’s my own theory (MB disclaimer….). No contact is absolutely required. It’s a huge step toward allowing recovery of the marriage to begin, by getting the OP out of the picture. Out of sight, no conversation, out of mind is the goal. But in instances where the affair didn’t get a chance to burn out on it’s own, where the affair parted on “friend” terms, or where it more or less had to end because marriage was not possible (i.e., like in our situation where OM wouldn’t leave wife and risk custody battle) – in these instances I think the seed is still planted in the WS mind that things might still work out with OP. We know the Love Bank is still full if they didn’t part on poor terms. I think the WS can go through withdrawal (more or less just missing those special feelings they had for OP), but I still don’t think this in any way changes the feelings the WS has for the OP.

So, you see, even with no-contact and withdrawal, there’s still some pretty huge feelings, maybe even some hope, for OP. So no contact at least prevents further Love Units from being deposited by OP. It at least gives your marriage a chance. With contact still going on, it doesn’t have a chance. Face it , we all have baggage we are trying to overcome (either LB’ing or neglecting EN’s) – things our spouse remembers about us. Things that were not present with OP in fantasyland. Things that keep WS reluctant to commit fully to rebuilding the marriage – regardless of what they say. Keep them from being fully O&H, because of the possibility that our transformation may all just be an act, or something temporary, and Jeckyl and Hyde might play out.

Even with no contact, you are still going to have these struggles. Commitment to and working through recovery. Trying to rebuild a relationship between just the two of you. And there are going to be bumps and hiccups (Hi C’s) along the road. Emotionally, I think at each of these, he’s going to think back about OW, and wonder whether he’s chosen the right path. And with time these thoughts will dwindle. But if she’s still in the picture, with contact, he’s never ever going to be truly committed to recovering your marriage – no matter what he says.

Ok, I think I beat this “no contact” thing to death. Say “uncle” and I’ll stop! You did the right thing though, BH.

End of "P" quote.

The thing is L...you are going to hear lots of conflicting information no matter where you go or who you ask. Counseling with the Harley's is so important. Hope you consider! CSue

How much contact does he have with her at work? Does he work for a large or small company? Are they in the same dept?

Suggestion:
He could stop the after hours socializing with this group except when she is not present.

I understand your anxiety over his going to work. One spends 8+ hours at your job and want it to be a happy one. But, the job should not interfere with the M either.

Since he refused to quit his job, my questions above are designed to consider, can NC be done while they work in the same place.

Hi and thank you all so much for replying so fast!!!!

See, if I realistically believed that he could work at this job and keep his relationship with her professional, I would be more willing to go along with him staying there.

But I can't. and not just because my trust is shattered- because I just don't think it's POSSIBLE.

it is a small company. They work VERY closely together- not partners, but they see each other at some point EVERY day.

They are both in the same group of friends from work. If the group goes out, both of them will be there.

My husband doesn't understand any of this. Here is his reasoning, literally- "I wouldn't be so dumb to sleep with this woman again, why are you so upset about us working together, why are you so upset when we only go out as a GROUP- I am not alone with her, you know how much I love my job, how can you ask me to leave it". He also believes that if it was a long, drawn out affair I would have more reason to ask him to leave his job, but since it was a one night stand, I don't?

But my problem is that I KNOW, from my own experience going out with a group of people, is that the group alwasys disperses/breaks into smaller groups, at some point in the evening. whether some atually physically leave the group for awhile, or if two people in the group strike up their own conversation. I KNOW this could and will happen with him and her, because it ALWAYS does with people who go out in groups of friends! He denies this, but come ON. And I don't WANT him to be having friendly conversations with her in a social setting, even if they are not completely alone. IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY! He seems to want to stand as close to the fire as he can, so to speak, without getting burned. but i know over time (if not sooner) opporunities will arise in this group setting and it will be very tempting for him to take them with her. And I can't live my life feeling like the other shoe will drop at any moment.

Honestly, it's not so much that I think he'll have sex with her again, but it just seems so disrespectful of him to cheat on me, and then expect me to understand that not only does he want to work in the same place as her, he wants to be friendly, talk, and socialize with her.
And this is just the tip of the iceberg- how can I trust him with any woman now? I don't
I don't think I will be able to handle it.

Libbie -- I won't get started on the no contact thing at work because my WH just recently ended an 18 month full blown PA/emotional/soul mate affair with his employee that he still works with <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> in a very small group environment.

However, I have heard from others here that have survived situations with the wayward spouse still working with the OW/OM by taking precautions to LIMIT interaction at work. One woman that I remember said that her WH made sure that a) he was never alone with the former OW, b) always communicated with her on a project through somebody else or more formal notes/not email, and c) that he completely did NOT participate in these after work social situations with a group without his wife.

I do think that it is absolutely not too much to ask that he not go out at night/socially with the group that includes her -- if he feels that it's important for his job/bonding/whatever, then he needs to include you or not go that time.

Good luck.

I agree with unsureheart whole heartedly. I say if you can't do anything about the job. Do something about the social interaction. I would insist that you be present at these after work functions or he not go at all. It is a simple request and I don't think you are asking for too much. get into counseling asap. Either with the Harley's or a counselor that uses the MB principals. Keep posting for support. We are here for you.
Hugs,
Layli

Libbie ~

Your husband can't have it all. He doesn't get to cheat, keep his wife and his life, AND get to keep the comfortable daily environment that led to his affair. Well, actually, he does get to do all that, if you let him.

You can't force him to quit his job and socializing with this woman. But you are absolutely correct, it will happen again if he continues this behavior.

So you have to ask yourself: What do YOU need and want in a marriage?

Thats where the boundaries need to start getting drawn. That's ultimately what Plan A and Plan B accomplish.

You have the right to a safe, sexually and emotionally exclusive relationship. You don't have the right to DEMAND that he give you that. You do have the right to remove yourself from a situation that doesn't give you that.

Am I saying "Dump him!"? No. But it is a fine line between boundaries and selfish demands.

The problem I see with what you did is that you SAID no reconciliation without counseling and no-contact. But what you DID was come home with only a promise for counseling. He got what he wanted - you were easy to appease, and he clearly thought that your requirements were negotiable. Counseling is a pretty painless way out of the consequences that were about to drop on his head.

So now what do you do?

Your husband agreed to counseling right? Drop your husband in Steve Harley's lap. Steve will handle this right now, and work on getting your needs met in your relationship. Either Steve will get your husband to understand what he has to do to fix your marriage, or Steve will tell you if its not fixable.

So pick up the phone and get an appointment! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Libbie6:

You received some very good responses to your posts, so the only thing I can add is you and your H have to agree on some terms that you can live with. I agreed to my H still working with OW, with the terms that there was to be no contact other than on calls, which were not many (My H & OW are cops).
I can't say that it has been the easiest road, but I wanted my marraige to work. If H hadn't agree to these terms, than we would have definately had gone our separate ways.

Flaca

Wow, I can't believe he doesn't see that as a problem. How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot?