I know a lot of you might say wait you have only been in Plan B for about six weeks. Well six weeks seems to be taking it's toll on me already. At first I thought my wife(WS) would contact me sooner or later to at least say hi or to say something. Sorry? Nothing? Yes, I gave her the Plan B letter but my wife(WS) has been so cold through all of this.
I stay very busy and I try to stay away from the house. The house plays a huge mind game on me from just the memories from the house. I do okay and I think oh this isn't too bad. But then there are those nights when I lay in bed alone and think. I try not to think but I still love my wife. How do you not think when you love someone so much? I start asking how could someone go from not able to be away from me to someone who wants to be away from me. As far as I know the affair is over but I question is it really over? I mean why doesn't my wife call me or say she wants to work on it. Does my wife feel guitly and if she does why doesn't she show it or tell me? Why is my wife so cold? Who is supporting my wife on walking away from a marriage? Should I accept that it is really over? Yes, I hope and hope but with every minute I start to think more and more that she isn't coming back. I haven't seen any change in her. How could this person who loved me so much and was there for me so much is no longer there? Did she stop loving me all together? I know she said she loves me but isn't in love with me. How can she go without wondering what I am doing or if I am ok? At one point I get what Plan B is about and then another minute I question it. I am beginning to think that Plan B isn't really working on me because I am who I am. I can't fix my flaws that I may of had with my wife if that someone is no longer there. I am starting to think that Plan B is just all about me getting use to what is going on. To be honest I will never just accept it and be ok with it. Maybe one day I will learn to put it in the back of my head but it will always be there.
I miss my wife and wish we were working on something. I haven't seen anything in favor of us. It has all been about us breaking up. Do I accept all of this? Do I start to give up? My mind doesn't know what to think any more.
Well I am venting my butt off and once again I am sure nobody has any anwers for me. If they did life would be too easy and it isn't...
Thanks for taking the time to read this...

Confusedguy -- No real great advice here, but your thoughts late at night mirror many of my own about why I am doing this and why isn't my WH coming back to me.

You might find Seahorse's post -- via my last thread about After A ended or over in her main thread which is in Just Found Out forum. She did a strong plan A and went to plan B 5 weeks ago and is also feeling down and angry and frustrated. She could use another friend if you care to commisserate.

I don't think any of us will ever know why for any of this. We can only know what we contributed to the failings in our marriages prior the A, but it is really hard to know why some people chose to cheat and others do not. Or why some people have the courage and ability to deal with their guilt and others do not. One day I do believe they all eventually wake up to their mistakes. My hopes and prayers are that this will happen for your WW and for you and that you can rebuild.

Hi confused guy,
So sorry to hear things are so rough for you. It is sad to hear you get down on yourself. Those fog induced fits of stupidity by our wayward spouses make you feel like you have had the life sucked right out of you.
Are you still in counseling for yourself?
Are you doing things to make yourself happy?
Some people are just slower to wake up to what they are doing than others. Maybe she is just having a hard time resolving her feelings about what she has done. Women are great at wracking themselves with guilt without being very obvious about it. I say take care of you, splurge on something for you, go have a night on the town with some friends. Be good to yourself right now. We are always here for you we don't mind your vents at all.
Hugs to you,
Layli

CG;
I certainly can't offer any answers, as we never know how or when the WSs may react or not. But I did want to offer my support and solidarity, hoping that you may find the strength that will get you through this.

Take care of yourself.

Hi CG, I sympathise with you mate. i went to plan B 5 weeks ago and H hasn't contacted or attempted contact. I too have the same thoughts as you - dosen't he even care?

I've taken the view that my marriage is over until further notice. I have to, otherwise I can't continue life.

Don't be hard on yourself. You will continue on your path to recovery (be it by yourself) when you are ready.

I've found keeping busy and having lots of fun helps. If I feel edgy or that yucky lonliness I get busy again. Having a dog helps. Right now he is nuzzling my arm and hoping I will give him what's left on my plate after dinner. Ha! fat chance, there's nothing left doggy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hang in there, it will get better.

Hi Confused Guy: I know just how you are feeling. I have only been in Plan B for a few days and I keep thinking,(well who knows if this stuff really works), what if WS is rejoicing to be rid of me, what if I wasn't that much of a prize anyway. Although my WS immediately wrote me after the Plan B letter and said he missed me and girls and loved us he is still not here and I am already lonely. But you know what? I have also been able in the past three days to see some things more clearly myself. Like I went and read an old journal and realized how sad I was early in my marriage - 13 years ago. I ignored my unhappiness for the sake of having someone. My WS had and has some serious problems.

Hi Confused Guy: I know just how you are feeling. I have only been in Plan B for a few days and I keep thinking,(well who knows if this stuff really works), what if WS is rejoicing to be rid of me, what if I wasn't that much of a prize anyway. Although my WS immediately wrote me after the Plan B letter and said he missed me and girls and loved us he is still not here and I am already lonely. But you know what? I have also been able in the past three days to see some things more clearly myself. Like I went and read an old journal and realized how sad I was early in my marriage - 13 years ago. I ignored my unhappiness for the sake of having someone. My WS had and has some serious problems.

OW has no idea. I rejoice-sickly, I might add in the thought of her really discovering her "soul mate". What an eye opener it will be. I was able to deal with a lot of things because we pretty much came from the same background but even I had some problems. OW is in for a surprise, I don't know how long he can keep up the false facade he gives over the phone and in letters to her but I know at some point this thing is going to get real.lol Boy oh Boy.

Anyway, All this to say, "I feel you". You question if this works but the alternative may just be worse, no IS worse. And that would be accepting the A and WS thinking there are no consequenses to their actions. I have been trying to think of this time as a time to really think and feel for both of us. I do believe that WS is thinking about me as much as I am about him. I think the same of your WS and we know how stubborn these people can be. If they were not this thing would have not even come to this. My WS may never admit he was wrong but if he comes home to me correctly (Plan in hand) then I don't need any verbal acknowledgment. I will just have this little laugh with myself inside.lol

Also: I know I am rambling and venting here myself. Selfish me. But your WS is probably thinking why hasn't he called or contacted me? Hold out. Plan B is a wonderful break but also it tests your will like nothing else. If you were like me you spent Plan A snooping and knowing too much. And now all of a sudden I am out of the loop and know nothing. It's killing my nosey self.lol He even changed his email password.lol. I just have to let them go at it and eat each other up. But whatever happens I know I will still be standing when the dust clears. I will be standing and smiling sooner or later. Take care. wu

Hi again:

Sorry for the double post-hit a wrong button. I am going to go get that Tough Love Book today. Was it any good? Lots of people here have mentioned it. This weekend will be tough. I will check in on you if you check in one me.lol Anyway the book will be helpful. Maybe I will go buy me some new shoes too.lol bye wu

At 6 weeks I would say that no...I really didn't care about contact or no contact with hubby. It took months before enough resentment had passed to even want to be around him again. He also was in the "poor me" stage, so being around him was like a guilt attack. Being away from him allowed me the space to think about things. It still was 6 months or more before the emotions calmed down enough to have clear thoughts...and any contact with an OP takes that back to ground zero.

Hang in there CG...it's a long road.

OK I'm doing a wucus, I was thinking about your post some more...

CG, we could look at it this way:

They are respecting our wishes, (which is the first time they've actually done what we've asked through this whole damn mess) - we can think of this in a positive way even though the ws motives may be something else, but as we don't know for sure, lets stay positive.

They haven't contacted us yet to say its over - although they haven't contacted us to say its still on, again lets remain positive.

Someone posted to me not long ago to think of it as a vacation from all the WS bull****! - this IS good. There is some hope for the future, we just can't be with them right now. In the meantime, we do have to keep living though.

We have sent WS a clear message - we will not tollerate the A any longer.

If you think of some other positive points maybe you could add them.

OK I think I'm done now. wucus.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> At 6 weeks I would say that no...I really didn't care about contact or no contact with hubby. It took months before enough resentment had passed to even want to be around him again. He also was in the "poor me" stage, so being around him was like a guilt attack. Being away from him allowed me the space to think about things. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually, this is true now I think about it. I am very angry at everything right now, especially about the way he treated me during that six months I new about the A. With the kind of feelings I have now, recovery would not be possible anyway - I wouldn't be able to work at the M, I'd be LB'ing all over the place.

I know this is true, but I still feel sad and wish that he would try. I can't help it, its how I feel.

Confused Guy,
(((((((((prayers))))))))))
You are in my prayers. It is amazing what the power of prayer can do. God can and will get us through this, and he will bring you comfort. Read the Psalms when you are depressed, they are so helpful. Not much time has passed for you. Your WW is still in big time fog, and doesn't know up from down right now. Time is on OUR side, praise God! I've read so many posts where it didn't really matter what the BS did, it just took TIME, and sometimes lots of it, for the WS to wake up and smell the coffee.
Vent anytime, we are here for you.
KK

"I know this is true, but I still feel sad and wish that he would try. I can't help it, its how I feel. "

Exactly Seahorse...my counselor FINALLY got it through my head that feelings are feelings. They don't have to make sense and understanding why they are or why you have them might make it easier to accept...but it doesn't have to change the fact that you still feel that way. You can try to force another feeling, you can justify things, you can be angry that you feel a certain way....but no matter what...feelings are feelings. Sometimes you just have them.

Many times I "wanted" something that was the opposite of what I said or the opposite of what really would have worked. It didn't matter...it's how I felt. For me, in my fog, I wanted rescued. I was on the fence, so in my mind it didn't matter WHO rescued me...just that someone put forth the effort to do it. I wanted someone to think me worthy enough to fight for me with no promises from me. Ridiculous? Yes...but it's how I felt. Thankfully no one did rescue me because that would have only fed the fog.

When I would start feeling a certain way my counselor just encouraged me to sit back and ride those feelings out. If they were good thoughts, the reasons would only present themselves further given some time. If they were just feelings...they would most likely change. It worked pretty well for me! Still does!

I can't think of any BS who wouldn't want their WS to "get it"...or even if they don't get it to still cross the NC boundries, since they've shown that boundries don't mean much to them. It's nothing personal...WS's are angry and confused and in pain...any intrusion by them wouldn't be a good one anyway (even when it SOUNDS good, it can often just be more short term fence jumping). Just hang in there and take care of yourself.