Hey everyone. I haven't written in a while. You may remember my story about seeing an old boyfriend out and trying to rescue myself from almost diving into an EA with him. My H is out of town this summer for a job and the loneliness gets to me. Well, since my post about a month ago, I have since cut ties will old boyfriend. I actually feel like I went through a mini-withdrawal. I know, that sounds so ridiculous.
Anyway, I'm writing today after watching Oprah yesterday (Thursday). Did anyone else see it??? It was about finding your purpose in life and how we as human beings often sabatoge ourselves in that journey. This show really spoke to me becuase I am still dealing with the central problem that led me to those indiscretions last month:
I am only 23 years old and am married two years now. My H is WONDERFUL, and I truly value his presence in my life. But I still struggle with these feelings of wondering if maybe I married too young. I wonder if I have ingnored another purpose that my life holds. I can't even put my finger on what that would be. But I still struggle.

So my question is this: Has anyone else felt this way about their life, wondering if they have beaten a new path where it doesn't belong? And what do I do? My H comes home next week for good and we're probably getting a job out of this summer position he's had for next year after he graduates from law school. So things are moving. I can't help but wonder at each milestone we share if this is where I am meant to be? I don't want to talk to him yet about this because I can't even put into words what I want him to know. I don't want to end my marriage at all, I just need to find peace with the decisions I've made, and help to see that what I do have may in fact be what I am supposed to have.

I suppose having the experience I did with my ex-boyfriend shed some light onto this strugge I face. Any thoughts would help. I realize this is not an infidelity question, but you guys are so full of wisdom I though I'd throw this out there.

Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi J-Bird,

I married at 22. Did I marry too young? Absolutely. Did it ruin my life? Noway.

Regardless of the age that you marry at, you are going to sometimes be attracted to other people. It does NOT logically follow that if you are attracted to someone else that somehow your decision to marry was wrong.

Both my husband and I agree that we were complete fools at the time when we married, and that we were totally wrong for each other.

But, that does not mean, and did not mean, that we can not learn to be good for each other and love each other and be happy.

And we are. We've grown together, learned to love each other, and we are quite happy together. We suit each other quite well now, because we made a decision to love each other, and to learn to do it well. We've grown together in compatiblitity and now I can't imagine any other man being better suited for me!

I love the phrase that sometimes pops up around here: If the grass on the other side of the fence looks greener, then you need to water your own grass!!!

Thanks BR. You know, I think one of the reasons why this is such a struggle for me is because my husband was a very mature 26 when we married and he sincerely NEVER seems to doubt a thing. Ever. So I guess I feel ashamed for even having these emotions and thoughts. I do realize that attractions happen and believe me, I know how to handle THAT situation now! You say you and your H were both young an foolish. My H and I are the "mature, level-headed" couple in the family. Everyone loves us and thinks what we have is ideal. Truly it is. We are forever given compliments about how we've achieved so much in our short lives together and how we really seem to understand how it all works. But then the little voice in my head screams, "Thanks, but I STILL WANT TO GO OUT AND PLAY, DAMNIT!!!!" Not play in the sense of an A, but play in the sense of let's go be spontaneous and fun-loving and goofy.

Aha! Maybe that is an emotional need I need met! Maybe I feel like life is too serious sometimes with my H, and that sometimes I need to go outside and play - WITH HIM! Hmmmm...never thought of that.

On the flip side of this, though, I can look at my ex and see that he is ONLY spontaneous and in play-mode. Maybe that's why I was so attracted to him when I saw him after so many years. Maybe that's what made me question what my life is like now. But if I am honest with myself, I know that I would tire of a life of games with no substance. What were you saying about the grass, BR, water it? I think it's time I pull out my hose...

Hello J-Bird

I think Bramblerose hit it exaxtly right. My belief is that almost any two people who are unselfish and are willing to treat each other right can be very happy. I was 21 and my W was 19 when we married, and we celebrated 25 years this March. We have had many bad times where we argued and fought. But far many more where we felt in love and very happy.

I can tell you that the bad times come, there is nothing you can do to stop them. But I can also tell you that if you are committed, and use the principals you learn on this site, your marriage will be mostly happy and you will feel more in love as the years go by, and happier and happier that you married him.

You need to take it day by day, week by week, momth by month and year by year. There are no short cuts to happiness. It takes lots of little kindnesses over a long time to make a loving, lasting marriage that will stand all of the bad that life throws at us.

I would share what happened with your H and let him learn how to better meet your needs. It will be a learning experiance and make you both stronger and more committed to each other. It will help you stick together all of your future lives when things get rough, you can come back to what you learned.

I suspect that if you tell your H and explain this need to play, he can learn to fill it. It may take time, but if he is the man you say, he will get it, and will make you happy.
I wish you all the best,

SS

<small>[ August 16, 2002, 11:50 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

J-Bird,

so glad to hear from you again, and that everything is doing ok.

I have been known for always being mature over my years, I never look distressed or as if I am having a struggle making decisions or moving on, but I do! And the posts I have written on this forum demonstrate it so.

As you know I married real young. So far all I have to say is that it wasn't a good idea marrying somebody that didn't know what they wanted for life, or who they were, that's my husband there.

Before I married I spent a lot of time learning about myself, liking myself and liking to be alone. I never dated untill I was 18, and I could have passed perfectly ok without it. I was happy and content with my life.

When I married I thought it through, I thought of the worst case scenarios, mind you, the worst cases I couldn't even imagine, having my H turn into a WS for an example, but I thought of what would happen if we were broke, what if one of us got into an accident and then we were so broke we couldn't pay medical bills, etc etc etc. All kind of calamities.

After I was done I decided the man I thought my husband was was definitely the only partner I'd accept. So I married.

Life likes to throw curbs to us, and it threw me a loop. Not only the man I married was eons more inmature than I was at age 13, but also he was a coward and a liar. What are you gonna do? Life sucks sometimes, but here I am, and he is learning in an accelerated course what he didn't want to learn before.

We may have married young, but the promise of marriage is just as valid. I am sure you meant it when you got married, and I am sure you know better than backing up just because there are a few bumps on the road.

I know you love your husband, and I know that even when he seems 100% confident there are times his world gets rattled. He may not show it, but I am sure he does.

Why don't you tell him all of this? Tell him, you'll find out he is human and falible too, that he was his own fears and weaknesses. Being married is also about helping each other get through this things.

I am sure you two will be able to if you are open with each other and continue to love one another.

Hi Alostwife! (I lost your e-mail address - sorry!) Thanks for you kind and wise words. you do understand what I am going through, I know.

Actually, I have been thinking all day about what my post says and what the responses have said. It is incredible how this forum mends hearts. In just a few hours, I have begun to feel settled about something I have been fighting with for weeks, months.

I realize that marriage is so much more than feeling gooey and in love. It is about a rock solid bond I have with a wonderful man. It is disrespectful not to give that bond all of my attention, even when my spirit is waning. I still don't know how to tell my H. Maybe I should stop trying to plan every word (I have a habit of needing perfection with myself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) If I just put my words into my mouth and let my heart speak, I might convey amore genuine message anyway.

He comes home tonight for the weekend. I can't wait. Perhaps once he is home next week for good, my wayward thoughts will be extinguished. If not, at least I am building the tools with which to cope!!!

Thanks all!