I need to know if I am the only BS who is dealing with a psycho FOW. The OW in my case also happens to be my sister, and she has decided to accuse my H of raping her (several times over several months, including oral sex <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) My sister has a history of cheating on her H, and according to her, it is never HER fault <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> !

Am I the only one dealing with this kind of situation? Can anyone please help me deal with her cruelty!!! She hates me, and is trying to destroy me and my M!!! My H has been wonderful to me since he told me of the A, and has done everything possible to help me get over this... It is my sister who keeps twisting the knife.

By the way.... everyone in my family (even her H, and my mother) knows she is full of crap... they just don't know how to deal with her.

I really need help dealing with this!!!

-mcnyh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ August 19, 2002, 06:30 AM: Message edited by: mc needs your help ]</small>

someone, anyone... please help me!!!

Wow...I sure don't envy your situation. It's really bizarre. I suspect that your sister may have some sort of mental illness (there are lots out there and it takes a professional to pick the right one). She can function in society, but she's not in the same reality as most!

My suggestion, it's time for the NC to be put strictly into place. You know the truth, so does H and you claim your family knows the truth too. Her words and actions are very hurtful, but all of you know what to believe. Every time you engage in discussion with her or about her she wins. Every time you get upset, she wins. She can only hurt you if you let it happen. As hard as this is going to be you must realize she's sick, that you can't help her and if you family wants to see you they must not have her in your presence, they must not discuss her and they must respect your efforts to heal yourself and your M.

In my experience, you deal with someone like this by not dealing with them at all. They thrive on chaos, confusion and melodrama. You need to set up your boundaries and stick to it. Frankly, it takes at least two to play this game...if you refuse to play, then it's no longer a game.

Hi,

Well I consider PBR psyco (PBR - psyco babble rabbit). But yours is definitely in the running for a similar title.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Since your H is willing to work with you. Can he file harrassment or Restrainging orders against her? Have you counseled with a reputable MC? You might consider talking to Steve Harley about this also.

It is always good to get professional legal advice in addition to asking for comments here.

I am glad your H is working with you. Pull all your resources and great a support circle (family, friends, workmates, MB, counselor,etc.) for both you and your H.

L.

MGM - I have not had any contact with her since her "claim", neither has my H! She has only spoken to my mom a couple of times (in the last three months!!!) She won't even talk to my brother (A COP!!!).

I know she is sick, but that does not make this acceptable! She needs help, but nobody wants to be the one to make her get it!!!

At first I was hurt, now I am MAD <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ! She told my oldest sister that "it's not that I don't like (me), I just have to do the right thing"... LIKE??? LIKE???? She hates me and is trying to destroy my life! She is spreading rumors about my H! She taunted me the WHOLE time she was with my H, I was suspicious... I guess I should have known! She WANTS to hurt me!!! What kind of person gets pleasure from causing others pain??? I don't get it!

Thanks for your post...

-mcnyh

"What kind of person gets pleasure from causing others pain?"

A MENTALLY ILL PERSON.

Do not personalize this!! It is not about you.

Your sister is deeply troubled. Her brain is not functioning the way yours does.

Protect your family from her mental illness by getting legal advice. Boundaries must be firmly enforced ... You and your H must be completely in agreement about these boundaries and the enforcement of the boundaries.

"At first I was hurt. Now I am MAD!"

Well ... there are no "feelings police" here at MB... so, go ahead and feel whatever you want. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The reality of your sister's illness will not change ... no matter how your feelings about it change.

Don't use your feelings to make decisions that need to be dealt with by your intellect. Observe what you're feeling ... then THINK with your brain about your next move.

As miserably as your sister has treated you and your family ... I assure you ... she is a thousand times un-happier than you ... and with less likelyhood of ever becoming one tenth as happy as you have been in your life.

I am so sorry this is the reality of your family. Mental illness is very tough to deal with. And, family members who have no power over whether or not the ill person gets psychiatric help ... those family members are between a rock and a hard spot.

Sending you hugs, strength, courage, and some compassion thrown in ... just for good measure.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ August 16, 2002, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hi MC
I'm glad you went looking for other advice on sis.

Sue

We have contacted an attny, but at this point, there is nothing we can do (as usual)... She gets to sleep with my husband (ouch), and then she gets to continue hurting me... and there is not a damn thing I can do.

The one thing I am looking forward to is my H speaking to the sherrifs dept. about this... When he finally gets to tell them what REALLY happened, we can demand that they go after her for filing a false complaint (she should have done her homework before starting this crap!!!) They could actually PRESS CHARGES on her for this!!! Not to mention, they could force her to get a 72 hour mental evaluation!!!

This will be the time it all blows up in her face! She can't continue hurting people, and getting away with it!!! (for those of you who are not familiar with my situation, my "sister" has had several affairs... never her fault, and she has always enjoyed telling the OM's BS... even to the point of one of them throwing beer bottles at her -- "she" thought that was hysterical <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

I am sorry to dump this on all of you, because I know I am lucky that my H is working very hard to fix things... I just HAVE to get this off my chest, and everyone here has been wonderful to me! I appreciate all the advice I have received since I have been here (especially you Sue!!!).

I still don't know if she is mentally ill, or just mean, evil, cruel, spitefull, etc., etc...

Thank you all for your help!

-mcnyh

((( MCNYH )))

Do a web search using key words:

"boarderline personality disorder"

Read some of the stuff you find, and see if your sis fits this profile description or not. It might help you see some things in a new light. This info is to help you, not your sis.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Here's a link:

boarderline traits

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Well, you know I think she is not with the program.

I like Peppers links - some serious food for thought.

As far as the false complaint thing, was it your cop brother that told you the sheriff's dept could pursue this avenue if they chose to, and or demand a 72 hour mental eval?

Boarderlines need attention ... and LOTS of it ... a gazillion tons of attention is not enough to fill the hole inside them. They feel completely empty inside without attention. ANY attention will do. Creating chaos brings them much more attention than living a quiet happy life . So chaos is their self-created universe. They cannot stop the chaos because, if they do, they cease to exist (to themselves).

The boarderline will say things like this: "YOU are THE ONLY PERSON who has EVER been this good to me. NO ONE ever made me feel this way." ..... and the *normal* person is hooked by flattery --> feeding the boarderline obsession. (unless the *normal* is savy to the trap).

There will be a period of time where the *normal* person will be flattered to be thought of so highly, and to be able to please another person so completely. The boarderline will do anything to please the *normal* person and flatter them at an unprecedented level. The *normal* person is a ~GOD~ in the boarderline's eyes.

The demands to fill the emptiness inside the boarderline become increasingly outrageous! And the *normal* person (feeling a strong sucking of their personal resources as well as a blurring of their personal boundaries) begins to withdraw ... and the boarderline becomes fully enraged making demands. Their former idolized relationship is now vilified.

Then, all hell breaks loose.

Eventually ... once the chaos wears off (remember, chaos IS attention) ... the boarderlines moves on to something else to fill their emptiness.

Hope this helps.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ August 17, 2002, 11:02 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

NOW I realize that what I've written will sound like MANY affairs ..... but what I am talking about is a pervasive pattern of behavior throughout an adults' life. NOT the 2 or 4 years the affair was going on. PLEASE ... do not think your OW or OM or your WS is a boarderline just from what I have just written. This was written FOR MC personally.

This does NOT apply to YOU unless you are MC. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

End of disclaimer.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pepper -- THANK YOU!!! Your information has helped me a lot!!! I looked at the link you gave me... it describes her right down to the bulemia!!! (she told my mother that her "counselor" said bulemia has nothing to do with self-esteem!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

"she" has backed herself into a corner with all her lies. Instead of trying to slink her way out, she is clawing everywhere!!!

I can only hope that she won't succeed at causing too much damage to my H's reputation!!! Yes, he messed up, but he is a damn good man!!!

If you have any other info, I would love to hear it!!!

Thank you again!

-mcnyh

Go to Amazon.com and search under books:

"Stop Walking On Eggshells"

.... see if this helps.

STOP personalizing your sister's behavior. She is ill. "Stop being a sponge for the feeling states that those with BP project onto those nearest them. "

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pepper - I checked out that book. Just reading the sample pages, WOW! I am going to get it monday morning!!! After I finish reading it (I am a fast reader), I will pass it on to my big sister, my mother, my brothers... Maybe it will help them ALL see exactly what she is doing, and why!!!

I really thought I WAS the only person dealing with a person like this!!! It is comforting to know I am not alone!

I hope the book will give me (and my family) advice on HOW to deal with her!!!

Thank you sooooooooooo much for the information!!!!!

-mcnyh

Please be careful in how you share this book with family members. I brought all of this BPD subject up because it was obvious that you were hurting so very badly and you were "stuck" with feelings that personalized your sister's actions as direct and deliberate attacks on YOU personally.

Do not personalize her actions! (This deserves multiple repeating ... and I may repeat it more than this! LOL!)

If you grew up with someone who behaved in a typical BPD manner, that means you have learned some coping behaviors to "get along" with her .... and so did your family. YOUR coping behaviors are the only things about this problem that you can manage and contol. So start there (with yourself) and repair yourself before you share this info with your family members. (although, your H would probably appreciate some of this info right away)

Your sister is NOT diagnosed ... and this is important ! I am purely working from a hunch here ... and my only reason for bringing this up at all was to HELP YOU .

So, be careful ... your family may NOT appreciate this info right away, but instead, see it as a way of your trying to put a shiney surface on your H's behavior.

By the way ... a BPD person usually seduces others by appealing and "talking to" to our narcissistic needs.

Hope this helps.

Best of everything with your recovery!

Give your WH a big hug for me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> He's been through the ringer too!

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ August 18, 2002, 09:39 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

P.S.

The only way your sister can control others is if others personalize what she says and does. (even the *good stuff* she says or does, do not personalize!)

Repeat after me:

~ I will not take this personally
~ I will not take this personally

When you feel terrible, and the anger burns in your heart like an acid ... repeat this phrase until you feel better ... no matter how many times you have to say it to get to the peaceful place.

When you feel flattered by her .... "I will not take this personally. Same thing applies.

Take care

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ August 18, 2002, 09:48 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

MC ... May I humbly ask you for a personal favor?

I am asking you to change the title of this thread to:

"Anyone else dealing with a mentally ill FOW?"

I have a son with a mental illness ... and, my request is solely for MY comfort level.

Either way you decide, I'm here to listen if you need me.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pepper -- Since you have been such a great help to me, I would be glad to change the name of this thread... how do I do it?

By the way, my family ALL knows she has a "problem", And after reading the sample pages of the book you mentioned... I really don't think I need to be a doctor to know that my "sister" fits the description of BPD so perfectly it actually SCARES me!!!

What makes it even scarier, was that while talking to my C, I told him of her behavior, and the first thing he said was "sounds to me like she has BPD." I did not think much of it... seeing as I did not really know what that meant, but now that I am starting to get the idea... WOW, he was right on it!!!

Like I said, I am getting the book in the morning... I will probably be done with it by tomorrow night!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

And, as I said... I am more than happy to change the name of this thread... Please just let me know how!!!

Thanks for EVERYTHING!!!

-mcnyh