Hi All,

Please give me some help on this, lately I have notice I can not rely on my judgment alone and I don't want to make a mistake here.

My love bank is drained - I am holding D papers in my hand ready to file for that last 3 days.

Here is a short summary:

3/2/02 D-day
4/2/02 I moved out - got my own place doing separated Plan-A with agreed 50% custody of 2 young children.
4/15/02 OM moved OOS to be back with his wife

Since 4/15, I have been doing Plan-A - spent a lot of quality time with the kids and taking care of myself. I spent a good part of May and June trying to fulfill her ENs but was making little progress due to her continual contact with OM via phone and email. I decided to change my approach and started the 180. I noticed that the 180s caused her to come in and out of the fog but all my efforts were grounded with each contact she had with the OM. So I decided to give up and let go.

Now my lb$ is drained. I know the question is why do I want make the quick decision to do the D. Well I have come to realize that the 13 years we have been together, we did not have much in common other than the kids and pretty much I was living a 'loveless' M. Also, my love for her now is so weak I do not have the motivation to wait for the fog to clear- withdrawal and rebuilding process.

What should I tell my WW before I file? She always told me she did not want the D and sometimes I would just hope she would agree that is best so the kids would not see me as the bad guy. Its already bad enough I moved out due to my unability to cope with her A, now Im the one to end the M. My fear is my kids would be resentful of my decisions. How do I tell my kids, my d(12) and s(4)...

Please give me another point of view on this.

Thank you all so much.

That's a decision nobody can really help you with. There is always fallout from a D, especially for the kids, and young kids perhaps more.
But only you can decide whether you can stick this out longer, give it another try, or end it right now.

I'm in similar situation.

I moved out 1 wk after D-day. Couldn't take the continual A in my face.

A counselor told me that the kids (10&11) are a little young to grasp as much of the situation as we might think. I think we might let our emotions fall over onto our children and have to be careful of that. I have been told to get counseling for our children (by friends) even if they seem to be doing ok. They said the affects of this won't come out until their teen yrs.

I am going to see a lawyer and file for D Monday. I will also be moving back into our home at the recommendation of the atty. Helps me with custody issues, WW has said that she wants shared custody, but I am afraid that she may leave the state with our children at any time. Filing in our state (or any other from what I've been told) keeps her from leaving the state. I have actually had somewhat of a sense of peace (hopefully that will stay for a while) since I made this decision. It puts my power back into my own hand rather than letting her have it.

In a round about way I think it may give her a rude awakening. I feel like as long as I am always going to be there as her safety net that she has no reason to end the A at all. She gets her cake and eats it to. I read "Love must be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson and he takes a similar approach.

Best of luck to you. Pray hard for strength and make the move only if you are ready to back it up by following through.

God Bless

Thanks SC & Bis,

Moving back to the residence for custody purposes....Any one can elaborate on that? I live in Ca. and I do not want to move back for that purpose. If I have to what is the best way to approach that? After I secured my own place, I gave her back my house key and her car keys.

Any thoughts?

Hi

Look at Divorce like a one way street. If you sign, you'd better be very sure.

From listening to your situation, it looks to me like your situation is roughly similar to several on this board. D-day in spring thereabout, since then plan A-ing..... and now: chto delat, like said comrade lenin?

Most of the folks here move to something called plan B once they can't continue with A. Did you give any thought to that?

If you're NOT ready yet to severe contact with your WW, what about having another go at living together? Plan B is always an option.... once you cant anymore. And once you know that B didnt work.... it's D. But before all of that, better make sure that you are really happy with yourself, and happy with what you could give, during plan A

N

LiveAnew,

I just want to posted here ... per our conversation ... this is my 2¢.

You have a chance and based on your admission that "If she is back and work on as loving wife you are willing to wait for 50 years". You should stick it out a while longer, you are not ready for plan B. Your wife is still let you fillin her ENs if you willing to do it. Yes, your LB$ is low but you could take a break or vacations from all of this ... go out of town. Yes, the hardest part of this is not to take it personally and focus on very narrow plan ... plan A. Give it at least a few more months, meanwhile use this as a training ground for you to show affections and learn how to converse.

Before you serve her ... as I told you, give it your last shot. Call MB makes appointment w/ SH let the professional takes a look at your situation. We all here just to put our point of view based on our experience. You are already in the acceptance mode ... that is the best place BS could be and makes it easier to do plan A.

You are a good father and you have been taking care of them more than 50% ... don't be surprise if you might end up more. The court system in CA doesn't care about you or your W ... they only care about your kids, the best for them. As for SS or CS ... they even have program that you could buy it off the internet. I think 3 diff. ones and depend which one your judge will use your $$ will vary but not that much.

Not to hijack your post ... I am not Dv yet, another 60 days for court appoinment. The court gave 50-50 as per latest FCS recomendation :mad but ... the court realized that I will not be able to survive giving out $1K more per months as the program spit it out ... THE COURT RULED THAT THE CS & SS STAYED THE SAME FOR THE TIME BEING on top of that the court requires my WW to seek employment and until then the court won't finalized my Dv !!!!. I actually pushed for Dv and gave proposal to my WW but she was too hung up on certain finacial issues and declined my proposal. The court realized that WW's interest is not on my kids and gave her the 50% CC but not the CS !. SOMEONE ABOVE watching me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and the court is not blind. Those judges, lawyers, FCS, they have family to go to and they might even a BS !. I am willing to give her the CS$ but keep the 70-30 CC. This judge refused to adjust the CS & SS and ignored her lawyer protest and my WW was :mad . The point is as black and white as the CS&SS calculation, the human factor refuse to hit the [enter] key. Don't too hang up on horror story about the court system. Focus on your kids, you will be fine. Others are beyond your control.

Let us know what you decide and let us know what SH tells you to do.

-RH-

Hi...I don't really know your story other than what you've said in this thread, but I would agree with Redhat & Nick. Try to wait it out a little longer before filing for Divorce, but if you can't, you should seriously consider Plan B. That would at least give you "a break" from feeling so drained. At the least, go somewhere for a few days and see if you can get recharged somehow to hold out a little longer.

Everyone is different but it's only been a few months since D-day. Have you seen a counselor? In terms of a decision which will impact you and your kids forever, why not try to wait a little bit longer? Just my 2 cents...

Thanks for all the advise. I still have not filed yet. Thank god for all your thoughts especially Redhat, whose is helping sort out my thoughts. I am so confuse lately and I do not want to make a decision I would end up to regret. I want to give our M some more time.

I have tried the tough love -180 approach for the last two months. That helped me gain some self-respect back but it also gave the impression to my WW that I am 'moving on'.

I have been doing plan-A since the beginning for myself. I need to incorporate in my plan-A ways of fulfilling the emotional needs of my WW now also. I'm trying different methods to ease her off the fence. WW consistently told me , she needs more time and do not want a D, but she is not ready to work on us, yet. I believe her uncertainty is based on a combo of three reasons: 1. Conti contact with OM 2. Not sure of my changes in Plan-A 3. Pride and ashamed (as she still denies A after evidence was presented to her)

My current situation is this: I have a wonderful relationship with my kids. I see them 50% or more and they often spend the night. WW will communicate with me about daily activities but not re: any R talk (she is very careful - A is denied). WW will not go anywhere with me - I invited four times and she backed out the same day. WW tells me she do but dont want to work on us. WW tells me she do not want the D, but if I want it go file. WW will not go to MC or IC.

Everything considered I am still holding up, some days better than others. I am almost ready for the D but I want to give it another chance. I feel I do not want to give up yet. I have too much at stake.

Any thoughts will be appreciated.

Take care.

running fast are we, My D-day ayear ago to day by gut and she told in sept. I decided to wait a year to decide what to do. I have 4 girl 12/two10/and a4yr old.We made rule to be married by and she forgot them mainly to persue someone other than me or (for me other than her ) you move out.So that I Love you on the way out the door,don't feel like a LIE.Your mad and Rightfully SO.If your a Beleiver this is a road that there is no return(the big D) Give yourself some time to decide what you want and need to have peace with your actions. ther had to be something there in the first place or you wouldn't be married ?

Hi LA,

Ready for the D is similar to knowing how to actually ride a bike vs thinking about it.

When will you be ready for the D? what is the timing, analyze analyze analyze. If that is the state you are in, I personally don't think you are ready.

There is a settling point where once you have reached that acceptance that you choose to make your life happy and fulfilled vs. trudging after the WS, then you will be ready for the next step. What is that step? Well if at that point the WS, wants to work on the M, then M recovery. If the WS does not want or is not showing steps towards recovery, then D.

The next questions are then, who does the D paperwork? That is a personal decision. For me it was to give the WS as much work as possible without compromising my important needs and keeping our family and it's interests safe.

Take a look at Redhat. He is there.

take care,
L.

LiveAnew,

About your kids ... you only need to tell the judge that you want to keep everything the same to keep the stability of your kid's emotion ... bingo!, you get what you have now ... you might even end up more if you provide a better environment and so on. The temporary will become permanent .. this is one reason why my WW get 50-50 since the first FCS set 50-50 for summer and 70-30 during the school years ... my second FCS's review is in the middle of summer.

One of your wife complaint is communication ... order the Language of Love, it is a very powerfull book.

About moving back, you could use fiancial reason to move back in ... or do like my WW while she is in the fog - "move back in and say this is my house too". Let her move out and file for Dv or put up w/ you. You have options ... however having say this, I do not think you should do that 'cause: 1. you have nice child custody arrangement 2. your might have more chances to LB'ed !. 3. I think it is easier for you to do plan A from far.

-RH-