I recieved an email from my W and in it she asked if we tried to work things out if I would need to know everything she has done. It really bothers me that there are things I don't know about, it hurts to think what they could be. But then If I find out it might hurt more. It would bother me if I never found out. What do i do?

CD,

I think you need to know EVERYTHING she did, but you may not need to know all of the details. Does that make sense? There is no way, I would rebuild if I didn't know what I was dealing with, but each and every detail may be too much knowledge.

Maybe if you feel this way, you can see if this addresses your W's concern.

Good Luck and God Bless,

JL

citydweller,

If I remember correctly you are deployed, right?

I will answer your question this way, Prayer!!! Pray for God to help you with making the decision as to know or not to know, as for His strength and loving arms to be round you if you do need to know.

I know how hard it is to be going thru this while so far away from your spouse. No one here can really tell you to ask for more info or not. That is something that you truly must work out for yourself with God.

I am not sure where it is you are located but I would definately find some resources to help me thru this if I were you, a chaplain, family support center, 1st shirt, someone that you can trust. We are great here at MB as we are going thru the same type of things, but you still need that warm body for support too!! And specially when the distance is so great!!

Keep posting, I will remember you in my prayers this evening, that you find the answer that is best for you!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I thought if she tells me what with no details would work, but As it is with the A I find myself wondering what, and how. It is driving me nuts. Some times I don't know if I even want it to work.

I got the rather questionable pleasure to read 8 months worth or so of daily, very specific and graphical email traffic.
That way, I knew pretty all what was going on. I read it all in one night - my D-Day night.
Do I feel releived? better?
Yes. I do. BUT - reading it all HURT so much. Espcially the PA allusions and extracts. I'll probably never get it out of my head. In this sense - "felix est ignorandus", if you see what I mean.

Dawn,
We both had very strong faith in god. She was so dedicated and tried so hard. Then everything started to happen. She lost her father to suicide,
Her mother to murder and her brother in jail. She gave up and has gone astray. I stepped up and pushed and tried to keep god alive in our home, but she doesn't even want to try. I have found myself questioning my faith and wondering why I am here. I have tried for the last 9 months to be strong, but find myself lost. Inside I feel I am looking for someone to comfort me. My location does not have the support you would find at a regular base. We are really low keyed, my first shirt has recently arrived but I do not feel comfortable talking to her.
She still wants time without me; this is so she knows she wants work on us because she feels it and not because we are together. I don't get it. You don't get married, and then 10 years later decide to try something else. If it’s broken fix it!
It is so hard to be away with all this going on. Some times I check my e-mail 10 times a day hoping someone has written. I hope its something from her, but if not anyone would do. But most of the time I get nothing, not even from my family. They don't know what’s going on, but I still wish they would keep in touch. If this is all messed up and sound silly, its because I haven't slept in 24 hrs.
Nick, I know what you mean about not getting the visions out of your head. My W was not graphical at all and I still see them together. I can't stop it!

I'm sure glad someone is there, one of these days I'll be on the other end, I hope.
CD

CD,
Only you know if you want all the details or not, and it needs to be your decision. I do believe that you need to knowthe truth so you know what you are dealing with. The graphic details may haunt you, not knowing may knaw at you, not really a great choice is it?

My H was on a deployment an had his A with another military W at her H's base while he was on deployment. I insisted on all the details that he could remember, it made him squirm, but then I think it made him realize what a disgusting thing he had done.

The images are with me and I never even saw her, no matter what you decide you need to know, she owes it to you to tell you so that you can take the next step.

I'm so sorry that you do not have support or someone on your deployment to talk to, keep looking, help may be in someone that you don't expect. I will pray for you. Ladysing

CD,
Is she begining to see the new you? I think so. Keep up the deposets that you are making so that she sees that you are for real.
For me, I had to know everything. She drew the line when I began to ask for the ugly details saying that it was personal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But now looking back I'm glad that she didn't give me thoughs details because that dosn't matter now. What did matter was that I needed to know the facts because I was betrayed and lied to for so long, the only way I could begin to forgive her was to know what I was forgiving her for. What this actualy did was help HER to open up and bring us both on a level and fair palying field so to speak. NO MORE LIES! With many tears and as painful as it was for both of us we got through it and were then able to begin RECOVERY.
If you don't get the facts it will always haunt you in my opinion. It is like both of you looking at a beautiful painting except that your view is blocked by an obstical. Your wife on the other had is able to see the whole picture and the feeling of curiosity and even jeliousy will cause you much frustration and even resentment because she is the one blocking your view and the only one that can unblock it is her. Does this make sence?
I must warn you. It is painful but I think that your wife is wanting to repent (which basicly means to "turn around", make a 180 turn...) from her sins and start fresh again. She is most likely though, frightend that she will have to tell you her secrets but deep down in her heart she wants to because ultimatly this is a burden she is carrying around that hurts her and worse yet she knows that the truth will hurt you even deeper. The relief that my wife expireanced when she finally got it out in the open was undiscribable.
I suggest that you give it time and continue to encourage her to read SAA but not to aggressavly you don't want to sound controlling. Keep up with the deposits in her love bank. Tell her, when you have good oportunities, what you are learning about yourself and how you are recognising areas in your life that you need to change so that you can be the best husband that she always dreamed of. Don't point out her faults, she needs to descover them on her own and remember, time and patience, this is not going to happen quick.
God Bless and remember God has a hand in this, put Him first in your life and miricales can happen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> I also recomend you read the book of Philippians. There is alot of encouragment in Gods word.

SH

Hi CD,

So what's your email? I might find the time to say hello at some point during the day.
I know I am not the one you want to hear from, but what the hey.

jd

jdmac1@yahoo.com

CD,

Think of the poem footprints, remember how there is only one set of prints in the sand? That is when God is carring us through our troubles.

He is still there and is still part of your life, you just have to ask him to take a more active role. Remember when praying to ask for the Lords will to be done, not that it is always the will that we want but it is the Lords will for our lives. You know that you cannot believe or save her, we are only saved through grace. But you can help to strengthen her faith and witness to her.

I have a leather bracelet that has FROG on it Fully Rely On God. I have really learned to give this up to God everytime I begin to doubt or want to do something un-christian like I rubb my finger over the letters and say "it's your Lord, deal with it". Help me make it through!!

I am sorry that there is not more support for you were you are, but this is one of those things that you cannot and should not try to carry by yourself. The Lord will carry a great part of it for you, but you need someone to help you too!!

Do post your e mail address, probably not the military one, hook yourself up with a yahoo or hotmail account, you will be amazed at how much e mail you will get and support that you will find from these friends, and I know that I would not expect a reply to every email sent. I have done this for many troops that worked with my STBX or troops that I knew that were deploying, TDY or remote.

My STBX was remote to Korea and OW was an old friend that did start emailing him, and soon she became to needy and needed support thru personal problems and such, STBX started having stronger feelings for her, but never chose to talk to anyone or me about them, so an EA was started. I really wished that he had asked for help. The support was there for him he just didn't look for it!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

citydweller,

For most it is harder to NOT KNOW. Her openess is a VITAL part of recovery so she needs to be willing to answer your questions. Just the act of being open goes a very long way in healing the marriage. And she needs to understand that it is better to lay it all out rather than withholding to "spare" your feelings. Withholding will impair any attempt at recovery, so she will not be sparing anything if she withholds.

Ok Its has been so hard today. I was able to chat with my W last night for 2 hrs. It hurts so much too see her so lost and confused. She wants to do things that just seem Bass ackwards. She has got us in such a bind financially and now wants to get a night job. Her new web based buisness hasn't blossomed yet. Its still really new but she is getting discuraged. She said when I get home she wants to go somewhere and work. Just to be by herself. She has become so worldly. She is so beautiful, yet she is trying so hard to get attention from others. She has gone to the extent of surgery to change things she doesn’t like. I asked how she is recovering and how she is looking. Her reply was simply "obviously not good enough". She said that because the guy didn’t really pay much attention to her and now she just feels old and ugly. Anyone would be proud to have her by her side. She is looking for success in the eyes of the world. She has lost the vision that success and happiness comes from within and the family.
Anyway, So I just cant stop thinking of her wanting to be away from me, not knowing if she wants to work on the marriage. It isn’t so much an OM now, now she is just lost and looking for happiness in all the wrong places. She blames the lord for the loss of her mother. She feels she has tried so hard and everything bad happens to her. I have such a feeling of disappear or emptiness. I start to question my faith and if what I feel is love or just fear. I just wish I could go back about 5 years and do it again. I feel if I had done things different we wouldn't be in this situation. It sounds stupid but I just need someone to hold or hug. I want to hold my W, she said she would like that too. Says I have been a great friend, but that’s all she feels about me right now. That really cuts deep.
I think I need to know, but I can't do it right now. I need to be face to face with her. I agree, I won't beable to start the repair until I know.

Ok My e-mail is deande5@hotmail.com

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by citydweller:
<strong> I just need someone to hold or hug. I want to hold my W, she said she would like that too. Says I have been a great friend, but that’s all she feels about me right now. That really cuts deep. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CD,
This sounds good. Try to be posative. When you talk or chat with her try to be uplifting and supportive like you have been. Avoid talking about the A or anything that will bring her down. This will only draw her closer to you. Keep up the good work. When she says things like she wants to be alone to figure things out, its very simular to what I heard from my WW. Sometimes all you can do is validate her feelings by repeating what she tells you so that she really knows that you heard what she said. Then pray that God will help her to see the changes in you and that He will give you wisdom. The bible says in James, "if any of you lack wisdom, ask the Father and He will give it to you abunduntly, without finding fault."
I know its hard but time and patience will be the key. The reason I keep encourageing you in this is because I remember it well, how hopless I felt at times. Luckuly I was able to persever and in the end not only did my WW come around, I was a better person, husband and father.

God Bless,
SH

P.S. Did she get the gifts?

It is so hard to be uplifting and supportive when we chat. She is so lost and confused she doent know what she wants. I really hope she seeks help and I told her so. I was honest and told her that I didn't expect it to fix our problems but I do think it will help her find her self.
She hasn't got any gifts yet but should get it by the end of the week.
I already know I have changed and have become a better father and person. I only hope to get the chance to show her I am a better husband as well.

CD,
Again, be patient my friend. It still hurts me when I read your posts because it reminds me of when I was in your shoes. She is in the fog still and it will take time and a good plan A on your part to help her see the new you. I just asked my WW if she could remember what it was that made her see through the fog and get her to find out what she really wanted. She said it was me. I never stoped trying. She said it took awhile because she didn't believe it was for real. Then slowly but surly the fog began to clear. How long did it take you ask???? Are you sitting down??? Almost a year. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Don't get discoraged. I llook back now and it dosn't seem all that long ago. Also for one thing my WW was in her A for nearly 2 years and it is said that that is a factor on when recovery will be complete.
Continue to pray and know that I will be praying for you as well.
God Bless,
SH

OK, so I need to keep up the plan A. Now if I only knew what I was doing for plan A. I am trying to be nice with her, work on myself and fight any LB's that might creep into my weak but active thoughts. It is coming up on a year since I believe she had an EA, but still has not confirmed it. Only the PA in Jan. I don't want to push her on this too much until she is a little more stable. But I will need to know what she did.
I just talked to her tonight. She was quiet and not much was said about the relationship. She is a little excited about getting some orders in from her catalogs. (Me to for that matter)Makes for a better convesation when she is in a good mood. She is working hard, that’s good but I think she is not facing the problem with us.
She continually asks when I will be home. I have two more weeks here then I go home. I still don't know if I should stay home until I leave again in 2 months or try and find another deployment I can go on to give her her space.
I am so close to finding peace about separating.
Does that mean my love bank is almost empty?

OK Anniversary is tomorrow. I sent package home with a couple of small things and have flowers ordered. I want to call, but unsure if I should say happy anniversary or just let her know I still love her. Thoughts?
CD

Hi CD,

Trust me on this one.... try to focus on just being nice... leave all of the R stuff alone until you can actually be there with her. It's hard when you're separated and even harder when you're trying to deal with such an emotional issue like infidelity.

Don't worry about her "facing the problem"... because YOU can't make her face the problem.... all you can do is love her as Christ would and SHOW her that you are committed to your marriage together. Anything else and it will most likely be received by your wife as you trying to control her. It took me a long time to figure this one out, but once I started focusing on ME and left my wife alone about "facing the problem", I found that she was willing to start working together because she trusted me enough to respond in a safe way with her.

Hang in there...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

CD;

Perhaps this might help you think about how/what you feel, and what you may want to know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The “Need to Know"
by Peggy Vaughan

Why we need answers to our questions
When learning of our partner's affair, most of us feel an intense "need to know" - asking questions to try to make some kind of sense out of what has happened.

Here's an excerpt about this from my book, The Monogamy Myth
"When a person discovers their mate is having an affair, their world suddenly turns upside down. In order to recover any sense of balance, they need to get more information and understanding of the situation. Without answers to their questions, they convince themselves that the answers must all be bad; otherwise why wouldn't they be told what they want to know. They feel they're being treated like a child, and they resent it."
"If the information didn't exist, it wouldn't be so frustrating and demeaning. But they know their partner has it, and simply refuses to give it to them. This makes a balance of power in the relationship impossible... It's doubtful if trust can ever be restored in a relationship where this persists."
"I remember how tough it was on my husband when I continually asked more and more questions. Intellectually, I wanted to move on and get over it, but emotionally I needed the ongoing support and understanding he gave me. It was extremely important that he never said, "enough is enough; let's get on with our lives." Of course, nobody would choose to go through the thousands of hours of talking about this if there were some other way. In my own case, I think it was an essential part of overcoming my feelings and finding peace of mind."
(end of excerpt from "The Monogamy Myth")
While I have consistently heard this same thing from thousands of people during the past 20 years, there's still a great reluctance on the part of those who have had affairs to answer questions and to continue talking about the whole situation. Unfortunately, there has also been a large segment of the therapeutic community that has reinforced the idea that too many questions and too much talking is not for the best.
I now have statistical data that demonstrates the connection between honest communication and both staying married and recovering. I have posted some results from my Research Questionnaire that may help people see the importance of respecting this "need to know."
While it's important to get answers to your questions IF you ask questions, this does NOT mean you "should" ask questions unless/until you really want to know. It's just that it's essential to get answers if you DO ask.
While for most people, "getting answers to your questions" is a key ingredient in rebuilding the trust and building a strong marriage, no one should be forced to hear things they don't want to hear. But if they DO want to hear details, they deserve to have their questions answered. It's the WILLINGNESS of the partner to answer questions that is so critical, not whether or not you ASK for the answers.
So each person needs to decide for themselves the timing of when/what/how much they want to know. (It's important to determine that you really want the truth, and are not just hoping for some kind of reassurance or disclaimers.) For most people, "not knowing" is worst of all - because their imagination fills in the blanks and the wondering never ceases.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

citydweller,

Man it must be hard to be so far away and have to deal with all of this! My heart aches for you brother! In so far as the honesty part is concerned about the past, I'd say the Policy on Radical Honesty applies wholeheartedly here. Yes, it will hurt, but so does the not knowing, and a lie of deception is still a lie, and we all know that to lie is a sin, and sin separates us from one another and from God. So long as the past remains a question mark your future will also remain a question mark, and I think that accurately describes the situation you are currently in does it not? Confession is paramount here, as the word confession is translated to mean "to agree with", God already knows all, He knows our sin, He knows your and your W's heart, you two just have to come into agreement with God on all of this and come before Him as one flesh in marriage. Your being separated makes this all the more difficult. How much longer are you in the service for? Any way your wife can come out your way or vica-versa? You two getting back in close proximity to one another is, IMHO, very important at this stage of the game, given her struggles and so forth. Not trying to guilt you into anything here, just trying to relay my thoughts and feelings on your situation as you've relayed it here. I would agree with the last poster that trying to deal with these sensitive issues over the phone or via email is very difficult, and yet sometime the written word is best for things like this, after all, that is how God chose to reveal Himself to us, thru His Living Word. Does your W have any close friends that you can trust to help her? Perhaps you could reach out to them, or to a local pastor, to help her while you are away physically. Just trying to generate some ideas to reach out to her in a meaningful way since you cannot be the one to do so, to show her that you care through others...

Do you have consistent access to a computer? If so, my wife and I remain in constant connection via chat engines like AIM or YIM, etc. A great way to KIT whenever the need arises...

<small>[ August 22, 2002, 12:16 PM: Message edited by: Craig Baldwin ]</small>