I LOVE Dr. Harley's thoughts on trust! I have always felt the same way, even before I saw this website, I'm referring to his writing that even he and his wife don't trust each other 100%, and that total, absolute trust is not realistic because humans are not perfect! Everyone is capable of making mistakes and doing very hurtful things. I don't think this is pessimistic, it's realistic, but many people I know don't agree (including my husband!). I've akways wanted to know what others think about this, and how can you explain to a person that this way of thinking DOESN'T mean you are constantly suspicious and you MIStrust them, but you simply can't trust anyone 100%, because to me anyway that means blind trust and faith? I don't even trust myself 100%!!!!!!! And sometimes I did and still do feel guilty, when my husband has asked, "don't you trust me completely? Either you trust me or you don't". How do you answer something like that??

By the way thank you everyone who answered my first post. It's a lot to think about!

Ok, NOW my husband has just told me that he thinks he cheated because he was depressed that I didn't "completely trust him". I tried to explain what Dr. Harley wrote about, concerning that issue, but he won't understand, or can't. I don't know how ELSE to be, concerning trust! Even though I admitted i can't trust anyone with total abandon, I was very devoted to him, I was not depressed, or constantly accusing him of cheating ( ac tually I NEVER accused him), I didn't snop, try to control him, etc. Basically nothing negative came out of my opinio about trust. If someone could PLEASE explain to me what I was writing about in the above post, or their own feelings on this subject and Dr. Harley's opinion, I would so much appreciate it! I feel that NO ONE understand this position- I am not a depressed, suspicious pessimist! I still believe in love, marriage, and earning the other's trust as much as we can!!!!

Libby,

It sounds to me like what your H is saying is the typical "fog" speak that you've probably read so much about on this website. Truth is I don't think he even consciously knows why he had the A.

Harley's philosophy has some great stuff about trust. I'll look in my notes from counseling with Steve Harley to see what I think might be helpful.

Here's what SH has to say about the #1 cause of affairs. The answer is "failure to protect". What he means by this is that the WS failed to protect themself from having an A. Here's the part that is hard for WS to hear. The WS has proven that A;s are a weakness of theirs; similar to how alcohol is a weakness for alcoholics.

The WS has to "learn" how to protect themselves from having affairs. His having an affair has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do; trust or not trust. It's as simple or not simple as his lack of awareness about his weakness.

Well his weakness is now out in the open. What he chooses to do now is what is important.

I'm not sure I would tell your H any of what I have written. It's likely that the timing of hearing this and the fact that it would come from you would do nothing but alienate him. That is why I believe so strongly in counseling with the Harleys.

From all that I've read from posters; it's been remarkable hearing the difference counseling with the Harley's has made in the recovery of their marriage. SH is who I have experience with. His ability to show compassion and understanding to the WS gives him the room he needs to "coach" the WS and help them understand what they NEED to do to restore the marriage.

I'll look for notes on trust and I'll post it when I can. It may not be today! Good luck! CSue

Hi Libbie,

Let me get this straight. Your husband fooled around because he felt you didn't trust him? Ask him if fooling around helped solve that problem? That is typical irrational WS bullsh**. Looks like your mistrust was well placed, doesn't it?

Absolute, blind trust is what has landed many of us at MarriageBuilders as BSs. There is no virtue in sticking your head in the sand while someone destroys you behind you back. Just remember, noone has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back.

<small>[ August 17, 2002, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

whoops, double post!

<small>[ August 17, 2002, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Thank you- what I am really asking (sorry if it was unclear) is what do you think about Dr. Harley's concept of trust (how he says it is unrealistic to completely trust anyone, and in his own marriage there is not 100% trust)? I agree with it and always have thought that way, but how do you explain, not just to your spouse but to friends and family who don't get it, that you are not being a pessimist, you don't sit at home suspicious all the time, drive your spouse crazy with questions, etc. Because I didn't. I loved and DID trust my husband, as much as I think a person realistically can trust another person. But I don't trust anyone with complete and total abandon, because I think that's just fantasy, and it sounds "good" and romantic for someone to tell another.
I would like to know what others think about this concept of trust and how they can explain to people that it doesn't mean you hate people and mistrust everyone!