...I am so desperate at times, I don't know quite what I am supposed to be feeling. Mostly pain, sometimes just glad she's doing it and not threatening me anymore.

Folks, I have learned something about myself in this...that I am able to withstand more than I ever thought I could. I have discovered that I have the ability to love someone despite how they hurt me and find the courage to put myself out there to be hurt again.
I have learned that I have the faith in God to put my trust in Him and not another person and that even if they hurt me, that He will take care of me.
I have found out that the people you trust the most, the ones who you really think won't let you down, will let you down the most. Their love is tricky, but fulfilling and has the greatest rewards if you will only learn to forgive their mistakes. We are all human, we all make mistakes.
I can't control anyone, I can't make them see it my way, and I certainly can't sway anyone to my opinion, cause its just that, mine. Even if I have facts or scripture to support it, God has to work that out with them. I can only walk by faith and do the will of God...He will handle their side of it, when they decide to let him.
The most important thing though, is that through the hell that has been my life for the last, well going on two years now...I have learned that I love my wife. Despite all the things that we have done to each other...I love her with all of my heart. I miss her so much that sometimes I can't even breath. I miss her so much that sometimes when I see a stupid commercial about retirement or a couple holding hands in a park, I have to find someplace to cry. I love her so much that I have learned that I would go through a thousand desperate times if it meant that I could hold her in my arms again and hear her tell me that she loves me.
I wish that this wasn't how our marriage would end. I still want to spend my life with her, but that is only one half of a whole...she is the only thing that can complete me and she has decided that she doesn't love me anymore, that she can't, more importantly, that she won't.
I'm not sure how much more I will be posting on here...don't know how much more it matters. She has done the deed and now I have to figure out how to hold fast until she gives me that call to tell me she's getting married to someone else or calls me to find out how I've been and that maybe we could go out sometime, or maybe I could make her dinner, she used to love my linguini with white clam sauce. Until then...

CH I love you...

Dear MH,

This is the time you need us the most. This is a crucial time in your life and right now you need that support more than ever. Why? Because you are going through a life changing experience without the benefit of knowing what tomorrow will bring. The direction can change overnight.

You are still on that rollercoaster. Take it from those who have been here even longer than you. The filing can be done today and undone tomorrow, then back again and so on and so on, etc.

Now step back and remember a few of us that a few more weeks on d/d and on MB than yourself. See that we are still here. Why? To give and receive. In the midst of all that helping and venting, there is healing.

Look for it. You will find it. It is here.

take care,
L.

It sounds like you have learned so much and become so strong in this process.
Your post really touched me.

I hope you will stick around.

Taf

Hi MH.

I read your post and it touch my heart It's really devasting because you are going through this so early in your separation.

I was wondering have you read DR Harley book
surviving the affair, or Divorce Remedy or divorce busting. You are going to have to be as polite to her as you possibly can.

Be the person she feel in love with, stop the begging and pleading and being needy that's not attractive to our spouse at all.

Try going in the Dark, no phone calls or etc don't even make yourself available, if she calls don't call back wait a day or two.

Act like your life is full and enriching please Act as if everything is ok. If she gets the divorce let her know you will be ok either way.

Please keep posting it ain't over until the fat lady sing some couples get married again after divorce.

I've seen drastic changes in realationship after reading these books and applying the technics, but you have to be sincere in implementing what the books have to offer. It will work even if you don't get her back. She will see what she lost and that can start a whole new relation you will be a better person reguardless.

MH,
I'm glad to see an update from you. Been wondering how you were doing.

Please stick around. I'm weaning myself from this place, but I still need it sometimes to help me sort out my feelings and realize I'm not alone. Please continue lurking some, and letting us know how you're doing. You need support through this process (D and afterwards), and we are here to help you through it. There are several posters in similar places in their journey. And several of us that have BEEN there to help you see the other side of the storm.

I'm glad to see some strength in your post. Keep it up. MH, you must find happiness in yourself, and in God, and move your life forward. It's ok to leave the door open for CH incase she decides to return to you. It's very possible. And it's possible she may change her mind. But you are going to be fine. There's life out there after D.

Hang in there... we're here for ya, K?

You guys are terrific...Sorry it took awhile to get back, long weekend.

So much support from you guys and it feels great to know that even though we don't talk on a constant basis, or in real life that the people here can see a difference. Wish she would, but it feels good that you folks do. I have grown so much, and feel better on some days than on others. Guess I just wish there would be some consistency to it. Sometimes as sick as it sounds, I wish there were some kids, or a dog or something that would cause us to have some interaction, because not communicating with her is a killer. I love talking to her and crave that so much...the mornings are the worst I think.

I do know that things are going to be okay...I am trusting in God for everything that happens right now...believing that doing the His will, will eventually see that He is working ALL things together for my good. Its just so hard to do this alone, without her, because I know the possiblity if she would give this that chance. Frustrating <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Anywho, thank you again for the good advice, Faith please check back when you can, I always need to hear from you, you too Orchid. I was going back and looking at some of the early posts that I put in, especially one where ConfusedHeart, my wife, got on and you guys had so much good advice. She hasn't taken any of it, but it didn't make it any less good! She just doesn't have the faith to believe that this can work, she has decided to do her own will and turn away from the Will of God and that is something that noone can change. MORE FRUSTRATION!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Maybe one day she will see...maybe one day.

MH,
I do check in, just about every day, so post an update soon, OK?

Keep working on YOU. Take care of YOU. Learn Plan A for you, it works in all your relationships (friends, co-workers, family, etc), and review and learn everything you can from your experience in your marriage, so that you can be better equipped to ensure those things won't happen again.

What's going on with the D? Do you have an attorney? When do you have to respond? Are you negotiating the settlement? Are you communicating with CH at all?

She filed Friday the 9th, or at least that's when she told me she filed...she told me I was going to get papers served the following week, but didn't, so I am expecting them this week.

I have consulted with an attorney and will continue to do so without retaining, its cheaper and because there are no children and very little to divide up it makes it pretty simple. We don't have much to negotiate on...A mutual friend told me that she is going to take her maiden name back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> and I am just kind of dealing with each thing as it comes to me.

We have very little contact at this point...anything is very quick and very turse. She will only stay on the phone long enough to address the issue and then she says she has to get going. She has another email address that I guess is supposed to be a secret, though her mother accidentally fowarded something with that address on it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I sent an email to that and her other address and she asked that I only send information to the old address...

Its this kind of stuff frankly, that makes me believe that she has another OM. She is very secretive about things now, even with her mother and my dad asked her point blank about having a boyfriend and she just said, "don't go there". Her mother seems convinced that she doesn't and couldn't possibly, but that is what I thought before she had an A. So this leaves me with so many questions and so much hurt and wondering what she is doing on the weekends and who she is with. Does any of that go away, and what can I do to make it go away? She has been showing so many of the warning signs that Dr. Harley talks about as being those that belong to a WS. But I guess since she is divorcing me, there is little I can do about it. Any advice Faith, anyone.

Missing her,

I sorry to hear what you are going through. Believe me, it is easier without children involved. IMHO, you have to detach from her. I know its hard to 'let go'. There is no medicine better than time. Trying to figure out what your WW is doing? for what? you can't change her? Do things you enjoy for yourself. That is what she is doing. Learn how to live your life happy with or without your WW. That can be done, if you chose to.

Hey MH,

Well you'll believe the paperwork when you see it right? Until then it is babble. It is a shame that we are forced to face the fact that our mates turn into some incredible liars. Can't keep an appointment, can't hold onto money, can't keep their word/promise, some can't even hold a job or balance their own budget, etc.

My the A sure does make them more attractive....but to what and whom? Well not to a good spouse.

So for now, realize that she is not good W material. She maybe realizing that herself. U know for me, when I finally stopped letting myself be hurt and realize when I let go, I was not really losing out on much (he had sunk pretty low by then anyway), I realized that it did not hurt as much as I thought it would. After all after they stomp on your heart, then plopp a bunch of papers on hit, the papers (d paperwork) doesn't cut as hard because you already bled most of your heart out anyway.

JMHO, of course.

hang tough!

L.

MH,
Does it go away? The questions, fears, wondering what she's doing, etc.... yes, for the most part. It gets easier. Especially when you begin to let go. Accept that she is choosing a life without you. She may be making a big mistake, but she is choosing to do it, and there really is nothing you can do to stop her. You've tried. You've done everything you can. k? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I agree... it sounds to me like it's very possible there is an OM. Don't be surprised if you find out it's true.

You're doing fine, MH. Hang in there.

Amazing stuff Orchid...
Its tough to think about that in those terms when you are up to your neck in muck! I have bled so much of my heart out to her and the only thing she could manage to do is look at me and tell me that she wishes she had never met me. Harsh, but that is what she says is truth so I have to go with what I know at this point. She really isn't a very nice person to me. Anyway I digress, but great advice Orchid, I needed to hear that, and thank you PATIENT also for your words, they really do mean a lot. Keep em' coming, they really are helping to pull me out of the mully grubs lately. I guess that's reason enough to keep posting!