I had insecurities when I first met my WH, but I claimed them as mine because I didn't have reason to mistrust him. I kept myself in check.

My H is away for 3 weeks attending a course out of state. The course is quite intensive and the week days are spent in the classroom and then in a study group well into the night (tests every morning).

Last night he said most of the class were going down to the river walk to hang out and unwind from the first week. I'm okay by that even though I know there's a woman in his class and study group he's mentioned a few times (in a negative way).

He calls me this morning and he tells me he danced with a woman a couple times (fast not slow). She's not part of the class, but is a married woman who's out with a recently divorced girl friend. Her husband works nights. He says he just wants to be honest.

I can feel my blood boil, but I tell him I'm glad he had a good time and he deserves it after the intensive week. I remain very calm and pleasant. It really bothered me and I was emotional throughout the day.

I wanted so badly to scream at him - that what he did was not right for a married man. I would never dance with another man while I'm married.

In a normal marriage, would this be okay? I'm not sure if this is my original insecurities/ jealousies or if I'm justified in my anger. I'm quite sure my H wouldn't approve of me dancing with another man.

I hate these feelings, but am I my own worst enemy?

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I think you did exactly the right thing by responding to him in a calm pleasant manner. Infidelity thrives in secret. A person has to make it safe for their partner to share or they won't do it. It's hard to remember to do, but you can't put your expectations for behavior on others, you can only put them on yourself. IMHO, it wasn't a big deal for him to dance with someone, especially as he told you.

Free,

No you are not unrealastic considering your WH history. BUT he was honest and did tell you up front without being asked, I don't know is this progress for him? I hope that you acknowledged his honesty. Am not familiar enough with your story to comment further, but wanted to post as there are not many out here tonight!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My H and I both dance with other people. I don't really think anything much of it. However, given your H's history and the problems you've had, I don't blame you for feeling you'd rather he kept more distance. In any case, your feelings are yours and need to be taken care of!

You did well in not reacting angrily. However, if his dancing with someone else really bugs you, you need to let him know that. In a calm, loving, non-LBing way, of course. And, without blaming him for how you feel. Simply that you care a lot about him, and that you need his help with this issue.

Kathi

Hi, alizarin and daybreak

Thank you for your response! I get nervous since I know how he oporates. He bares his soul to strangers and gets caught up in there life stories thinking he can rescue them if they're in distress. He said this woman talked and praised her H and seems like a commited woman.

Of course... I'm also thinking that my H never danced with a woman, just trying to get me jealous. He has always equated jealousy as love for him. He told me a few years ago when we were in crisis mode that he'd had a heart-to-heart with his exW. He said she shared with him that her M wasn't going well and he told her the same of ours. So last year I happened to be talking with his ex (we get along quite well) since he wasn't there to get his boys on time and I didn't know where he was. I asked if they'd had that heart to heart and she said it never happened. She said she would never confide in him about her M. At the time he told me he said "I'm not telling you this to hurt you, I'm telling you this to be honest with you".

I didn't acknowledge his honesty. I could barely make it through the rest of the conversation without LBing. In time maybe I can!

My first thought is to go out one night and tell him the next day I danced with someone just to see what his reaction would be. Not sure what that would prove.

We did agree some years ago not to have opposite sex friends... I remained true to this agreement for 3+ years until recently when he's had so many female friends. He emails with a couple now and it really bugs me, yet he continues. I've carried myself in a way that I never put myself in a compromising position in emails or with coworkers. I was short and polite with responses, but now I will take the acquantence level up a notch to the friendship level.

I don't want to game play! I need to get back to being true to myself.

Thanks for popping on, you have both eased my thoughts.

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kam,

we must have been posting at the same time.

Do you slow dance with other people too or just fast dance?

I've told my H before about things that bug me (hurt me) when it comes to him and other women and he said he'd be more cognizant, but he still does it. He likes to shorten women's names (Jules for Julie, Lor for Lori, etc.). I just feel like it puts an emphasis on that person and really personalizes the relationship. He does this with people he hardly knows or is getting to know. Yet he continues and I feel like he just doesn't respect my wishes.

I think if I tell him it bugs me that he dances with another woman then he'll just stop telling me.

I know I'm clingy and needy, but it's mostly his history. I just don't think I'll ever recover - I'm very intense in my insecurities these days.

Thank you, Kathi!

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