Why always when we get at peace with ourselves and finally deciede to make the right thing everything turns against you and the ground is swept from under your feet?
Story of my life:we met too soon after both got out of long term relationships,started a rebound which turned 4 months later in mariage.I was 23,she was 19.That was 13 years ago.Rebound marriage,don't wish it to anybody else.
I will admit that I wasn't the perfect husband ,I provided my familly with steady income,I worked really hard in the past 10 years for that which made the emotional side of things unfulfilled.In the end I was burntout physically and emotionally.By the time I was ready to snap out,to move on to fulfill the EA's it was over,she coerced me into moving out "for space to rediscover if we truly love each other",and a month ago I found out that she has commited just weeks before that to somebody else,he sleeps over,they go out with the kids...she tried to just plug in a replacement man in her and the kids life.I would call it an exit affair mixed with romace A which I know will take months or years to end,if ever.It may never end,they may be happy together and she might've really found the man of ther dreams.
What can I say,I've been a mess for weeks but finally starting to pull it together.I'm not even sure if I hate her,I still love her or what .I know I have to stay in good terms for the sake of the kids but I'm not sure if I can ever get back together,I'm not even sure if she want us together.She won't say.It's all to early in her relationship for her to say anything.I'm not sure what that does mean,but certainly it drove me crazy untill I learned to work on detaching myself.If I would know what I really want I would be able to move on,it would be really easy to close that chapter of my life forever.I know there aren't any simple answers right now ,just a hard,long road.
What blows me away,is that she doesn't want the divorce,she still hangs on to leftovers,she's playing the kids to keep me hanged by a thin thread to something related to her.I did send her a plan B letter,I reiterated it on a chat ,after she didn't took it seriously-she wouldn't meet me face to face for that-no courage I guess to face it head on.I know her,i know that she will just hang on to the OM regardless of anybody else around her is thinking, it's her ticket out.It worked with me back then so why wouldn't it work this time around? Long forgotten are the beginnings and the good times.
The good thing for me is that at least I can start realize both the good and the bad and I realize what went wrong.I did read SAA and working now with "Rebuilding,when your relationship ends".
What really holds me is that I need time alone for myself,no contact with her or anything related to her.The particular of the situation,kids in the middle makes it impossible,but I'll do my best.I am lightyears away from who I was last week,but still many ahead till the end of the tunnel.I know I will end up a better person,but...
why can't I make the final decision yet?I logically know that it's over,that she will never be the person I want
in my life for the future,she didin't change in 13 years,why would she now?I know that if in 3 months time she would come back asking for recovery,I won't be ready,I don't hope for it,I really hope that day won't come untill I'm ready for it.What I hope for is that I will have enough time to rebuild myself and know exactly that I can say NO or YES at one point and not feeling guilty for what I decide.If she would come back next week,I would say NO more then likely,but I would feel guilty doing so.
I thought that after the plan B letter she would be happy to stop comunicating and live her life the way she choose it.Why ask me questions about her career(she wants to get another job),why tell me how her day went,when all I want is to clear how we will deal with the kids?
Did everybody went through this,moving 5 steps ahead and 3 backwards all the time?How did you dealt with this?Was it the same?

A little confused here, NetV; when did she leave? how long did you Plan A? (if at all), Why do you let her talk about other things if in Plan B? What has she said about you, the future, your M, divorce?

I think we need a little more information, NetV.

A little confused here, NetV; when did she leave? how long did you Plan A? (if at all), Why do you let her talk about other things if in Plan B? What has she said about you, the future, your M, divorce?

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D-day was July 22nd.No plan A really.We separated sometime at the end of May.We had a big fight(verbal) and she convinced me to move out.She even helped finding an apartment,really nice of her. :-).We didn't exactly separate since most of the time I was sleeping there,so had no clue that she's looking.Didn't suspect a thing.
It would be pretty hard to tell her on the phone "shut up" when at the end of the conversation she slips in things.I had to talk to her to make final arangements about kids and money.
About the future,the ususal blurb:"I know what I want with my life","I need him(the OM) because I can't be single right now to think at our future,untill I have my life on a track I'm gonna be with him","We'll meet a few months from now to talk about Divorce,if you will want it" .
As you can see,nothing to give me hope that she is serious.All I see is guilt,need for money,and trying to keep me around as a backup.
I would not speak anything with her unless kids related if I could figure a way to politely tell her I don't want to hear anything else when she goes offtrack.I mean.c'mon she called the kids today(I have them every 2nd weekend) and ask if I want to talk to her.Doh!

NV; this is all very new to you, and you need to help yourself a bit. We know this seems like the end of the world right now, but it isn't, you will make it.

Please do yourself a favor and start reading all the material in this website. Have faith; you've come to a good place.

MarriageBuilders has numerous resources and information which will help you. Start by reading Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts here:

DR Harley's Basic Concepts

Another good resource to get you started is the Q&A section of the web site, where you'll find articles and guidance on many different topics:

MB Q & A Columns

as well as the articles section: in particular, the ones on Infidelity.

MB Articles

In these forums, you will find many people who are or have been in your situation, and will help you through this, give you ideas and encoragement.

There are also Notable Posts, which will guide you in many areas:

Notable Posts

and the Reading List, in addition to Dr. Harley's Books:

MB Book List w/Links

Dr. Harley's Books

We know you feel desperate and overwhelmed right now, but have a bit of faith, read the material, and as you begin to understand what is happening to you, and to see that others have been there and have come out ahead, your situation will begin to improve.

Start reading, NV, read and learn. Understand, and you will begin to see some hope. And there IS hope. She has not initiated Divorce, she stays in touch and talks to you, needs something from you, and tose are all good signs. But you must handle them right, and you will learn to do that.

Hang in there. Start reading and start posting questions. We'll be here for you!