Hey everyone.
I posted last week about still feeling confused about marrying so young. I think I realized that I still wanted to "play", yes, even with my husband! He's been out of town all summer (except weekends periodically) and he came home this weekend. We decided to go to the beach last minute and on the way we began talking about our imminent move next year to his current job location (3 hours away).

I began to explore the advice offered on here last week and started to tell him about my need to do fun, spontaneous things still. I said I hope we meet young people who we can become friends with. I expressed my sadness about losing all of our friends next year. He responded by saying we can hang out with families X, Y & Z whom we've already met. These families are 40-something's and with kids. (no offense!!!) I really meant young and kid-free couples. I told him this and said, "yeah, they are great families, but I meant young couples like Tim and Christa (our friends, here) who can still do fun things without having to think about bringing kids and planning ahead." I said, "One thing I've realized this summer while you've been away is that I still need to play. I am not ready to settle into a life with kids and a mortgage and all that. I still want to do things like this! (going to the beach on a moment's notice). His response was, "If you want to live the single life so badly, we'll just stay here so you can do that."

Ugh! I knew he'd get defensive like this. I got upset and said, "That's NOT what I'm saying! But I am not ready to make our entire social circle a bunch of 40 and 50 year-old attorneys and their wives!" (I'm 23) I said it's really hard for me to think about leaving all of my, our, friends and starting everything new. All I'm saying is I hope we meet some young people.

Well, it got tense and we sat in silence for a few minutes. That really scared me and upset me because it seems like he doesn't really hear me. He got so defensive when I told him about some of my feelings that don't jive with his "plan." I know he thinks I've turned into this unrefined party animal since he's been gone. In my thinking at least. I absolutely have not.

I'm scared. I saw a side of his communication skills that tells me I'd better choose my thoughts wisely and not disrupt his world too much. Reminds me of our first month dating five years ago. I got scared at how serious we became so quickly and told him so. Basically, I ended up crying and he said, "If you walk out of here tonight, don't come back. I can't take this "up and down" anymore. (resulting from his previous hurt)" THAT feaked me out, and I thought he was serious so I stayed. We worked it our obviously and later he told me of course he didn't mean it - he was just scared to lose me....

Makes me wonder about him sometims. Anyway, I don't know what to think about how I tried to tell him about my need and he sort of rebuffed me before a real dialogue began.

I'm all messed up about this...any help?

Hmmmmm well, there IS an age gap, and after the first rosy years of a relationship, the consequences are shining through. Despite there seem to be many things that unite you, there are things in which you are fundamentally different. A successful relationship should be also about resolving the tensions which come from these differences.

The issue itself boils down to something rather simple: Either you accept to spend your social life with couples in their 40s/50s, or he accepts to spend his social life with a bunch of youngsters, or you try and meet somewhere in the middle.

The issue itself may not be the problem, but the way you address, tackle and solve problems and tensions in your relationship?

Oh I totally understand what you are saying. But he's only 28. Our friends here are mid-twenties and we all get a long great! But his colleagues at this firm are all older and established, so that's who he associates this new city/firm with. It's NOT a city for young people...kind of sleepy and small. So it's not like I was asking that he change his social habits to conform to something new. All of our friends are under 30. I was merely saying I hope we can meet more.

This really stems from my issues of marrying so young, but I have chosen to accept the fact that I did and make the best out of it. We normally have a terrific and mature relationship. This was just a really bad weekend.

What truly worries me is that he became immediately defensive when I began to discuss my thoughts. It's as if he already knows what I'm going through. And he threw that at me in a very callous way, I thought...

gotcha. wasnt clear whether you were married, and from description it sounded like he was 40 too!

Still, you say that:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by J-bird:
<strong>What truly worries me is that he became immediately defensive when I began to discuss my thoughts. It's as if he already knows what I'm going through. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that means that he isnt comfortable discussing it. do you know why? is it, because he projects all his hopes, ideals into a 'stable' life, because he sees you fulfilling a certain role in his imagination, which he is pissed off when you tell him you dont want to do this? or is it because he doesnt like talking emotional personal things at all? or again, is it in the way you mentioned the subject? maybe he understood something implied in your message which he didnt like, e.g. "you're old, I'm not", or "I dont like the people you're associating with", or "I dont give a damn about your work/job", "I dont care whether we're married or not - I'll make sure I'll have fun, either with or without you?" My best suggestion therefore is to find out which of the above it is... or if not, what is it.

I cannot help but ask....

How old is your husband?

Is there so many years between you that it would almost constitute a generation gap?

Because, there is a place in ages where we are at different stages in our lives. While he might consider "play" to be anything that takes him out of the house and away from job responsibilites; "play" to you might mean something entirely different, e.g. drinking and dancing all night long.

The one phrase that you used..."yes, EVEN with my husband" made me think. Do you desire to be with him and do your "playing" or are you including him in your "play" with other people closer to your own age? The word "even" just did not sit right with me. It sounds like you are using it as an adverb (an intensive to indicate something that is unexpected). Like you would surprisingly EVEN include him into your "play". Then again, I might be reading something entirely wrong into that. Sometimes it is so hard to grasp the true meaning of phrases in forums like this because we cannot "hear" the inflections that normally come with conversations. I guess that I would have phrased it a little differently and said "I still want to 'play' and the person that I want to 'play' with his my husband." Not.....EVEN him.

Needless to say, compromises are in order. Maybe the best way to do that is to use the EN questionaire and to list "playing" at the top of your list. That way he will know where it figures in on your needs and he can decide whether or not it is something that he can meet. You can't never tell, nice quiet evenings alone with you might top his list. You won't know until you ask.

As Always...JMHO

Oooops....

As I was posting my reply you were answering my age question.

Even knowing that he is 28, my thoughts and comments stay the same.

Okay, allow me to creat a mental picture for you! I am NOT a cheesy bar-fly with a skirt up to THERE with a beer in both hands and one eye on the guy next to me!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am a mature 23 year old MARRIED woman who is modest and fun and likes to laugh. When I said, "EVEN with my husband," I really meant to clarify before anyone asked, that he is the person I DO want to have all my fun with!!!!!!! That came out totally wrong, and I thank you for pointing that out!

Another point to clarify, my definition of play is absolutely not drinking and dancing all night. When I say I want to play still, I mean going out with friends for a great dinner and lots of laughing. Yeah, maybe going to a nice patio bar for a few drinks with a group of friends (WITH H!!!) - but not the dance club scene, hanging out at the beach on a Sunday, etc. The thing is, my H IS into that stuff, as well. So when I said to him I hope we can find our new group in the new city to do these things with, I got worried when he said the comment about wanting to be single.

I'm beginning to realize that this is a major career move for him, and so he's probably very sensititve to my opinions and thoughts about moving. As much as he wants me to be happy, too, when I express concerns about moving, he's probably hearing all sorts of doubt in my mind. There is probably a sense of guilt on his part for being the one who is causing our move and life change. That's got to be eating at him.

In the end, he might be more interested in a quiet evening at home. Maybe because I am seeing my summer coming to a close next with week with the resumption of school and his move home, I am panicking and allowing myself to think that we're going back to a boring life again. In truth, I LOVE quiet evenings with him. Perhaps I am creating chaos in my own mind...

Me again.......

Maybe your husband became defensive because he thinks that you have to have these special type of friends or you won't be happy with the new move. I was an Army Officer's wife. He was quite a few years older than I was and established into a career that he was really good at. This establishment came with "hob-knobbing" with the upper brass that were really older than I was. Lots of them were already grandparents and I was still potty training my own kids! Talk about a gap....they could have been my parents. With every move came the uncertainties of finding friends that we both could relate to. Instead of asking him about the "type" of friends that I needed in my life and was hoping that would be there, I let my comments stay around the generic.... just friends to do things with. I did not worry if they would be fun to play with. I was not concerned about age differences. A true friend is a friend. So what if we have to give them a "heads up" for making plans with them? The time we spent with them was worth that. My husband wanted so badly for me to be happy where we were headed that he would have taken it very personally and felt like a failure had he not been able to provide those "type" of friends for me that I had made comment about needing and wanting. After all, it was because of him that the move was taking place in the first place. Maybe yours is feeling the same way? Maybe he doesn't want to disappoint you. Please take note that I did not say WANT YOU disappointed.....but MAKE YOU disappointed.

My husband was thrust back into raising children (his were already teenagers and young adults;17-23)and he embraced my two toddlers with care. We made dates to go to the Officers Club for dinner and dancing every week. We would call friends to make plans and if for some reason they could not come with us, we went alone. Sometimes they would call us with a spur of the moment event and we might not be able to attend, but it was not the end of the world. Nor did we fear losing a friendship over it. There would be other times when we could have concrete plans. Do not be so worried about having the same type of friends that you have right now where you are. You can make friends without some type of prerequisite. You can have your first party and invite everyone. Then you can decide from there what people might be the best to socialize with as having things in common with you and your husband. It is all fun, take my word for it. I absolutely loved it. I embraced the change, looked forward to meeting new people and making the best of it. Not only will your husband appreciate the "support" you are giving him (they really see this as supporting them) but he will enjoy the social calendar of whatever activity you have planned and even the spontaneous ones! Sometimes the best spontaneous ones are the ones where it is just the two of you!

As always...JMHO

Thank you CALI. Those words mean so much to me. I know that when we move, there will be plenty of new things that I will love, and never expected!

I am really trying to sort out a slew of emotions I have right now about my life. Sometimes this forum is frustrating because I feel silly detailing the specifics and then consequently hampering a great dialogue.

At any rate, thank you again for taking the time to "listen". It really helps to hear other voices and opinions. Especially experienced ones!

J-bird

You are very welcome. I am glad that I was able to help.

committedandlovingit

Dear J-Bird:

Your H is making a major change in his life and embarking on his career. Very stressful times for him (and you as well) it may be the defensive reaction may be because of his fear that anything at all be wrong in his home situation. He is thinking work will be hard enough without worring about problems in the home front.

I own two businesses both were started with refinancing my home. My W is am MBA and a very astute person and has tremendous faith in my judgement. We still had early discussions and reviewing of the business plan where I was extremely defensive because I knew that she had to be 100% behind me for these things to work. It just put more pressure then normal on the discussion. I discussed my fears with my W and she understood and we were able to get past this.
Discuss what your real fears are perhaps using another tact such as comparing what you like about your life now and hoping to duplicate it in the new place. Also, reinforce that you do want to socialize with his new associates (that networking is extremely important to his career).

J-Bird I also cannot help but ask does any of your guilt about your A with the old boyfriend effect how you are discussing things with your H and or reading him? Are you reading more into his reactions because of your guilt? Just a thought.

Keep talking this through with him. You both must be happy to make the move work remember POJA.

All my best to you.

Jack

<small>[ August 19, 2002, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: willmakeitwork ]</small>

Jack,

Love the name! It's SOOOO close to mine! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, I hate to even answer the question about whether my A with exboyfriend affects my communication with H now, because I don't believe I had an A. But that's just me being defensive. I stopped all contact before anything serious happened. I found MB literally in the knick of time!

Do I think my feelings and thoughts about exboyfriend affect how I talk to my H? Yes. Absloutely. I am trying so hard not to compare my H to what my exboyrfiend is like - carefree and spontaneous. Yeah, see a pattern starting? I know. It's so glaring to me. But what I AM trying to do is identify what was "wrong" in my marriage that allowed me to have those feelings for my ex after so many years. (BTW, the feelings are fleeting and completely superficial, I think stemming from being lonely this summer.) And what I come to is that I was feeling like we were not making an effort to keep things exciting and alive. We're constantly saying that we need to go out on a date once a week and do something diferent. We never do. We're both in school and allow stress to get the best of us.

Now, here's where my intuition comes in. This is the part where I ask myself, are you just creating a problem that doesn't exist? Was there really anything wrong before this summer?

Even though my ex and I never pursued anything, I went through a mini-withdrawal that I translate into closure for our relationship from 8 years ago.

So here I sit, still confused.

HI J-Bird:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> And what I come to is that I was feeling like we were not making an effort to keep things exciting and alive. We're constantly saying that we need to go out on a date once a week and do something diferent. We never do. We're both in school and allow stress to get the best of us.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not belittling your feelings they are real and must be addressed; however what can possibly be more exciting and alive than finishing school (you and H both),embarking on a new career, moving and meeting new people and a new city.

Am I correct in thinking that you see your H as the one to make the M more exciting and alive? What can you plan to acheive this. I find that the problems in my own M are best addressed by looking at myself and what I can do to fix the problem then to my W and what we can do together to fix it. You sound like a young intelligent exciting woman what can you do to make the M more exciting?

Please keep trying to talk to your H and plan some must get away time for you both.

One thing I must tell you though; a M is not an infatuation (thank GOD because we do have to work and raise a family and provide for our future)it is the secure love of building a life together reaching goals together as a team. This is what will really knock your socks off J-Bird and you are off to a better start than most in that department.

Keep communicating with your H (talking and listening) and you will get the M you want.

One last question(s):

What are your H fears re:

Move
Career
You
His M

Do you know these J-Bird?

They may help you see where he is coming from and help you work together.

All my best

Jack

I haven't read since this morning, but I just got back on. I had dinner with my parents and grandparents this evening (H is back at job 3 hrs away). Being around people who remind me how incredible my H is really helped. I feel like I'm slipping into a depression of sorts, and not sure what to make of it.

I have a question I want to ask anyone with the
experience...

If you married young (before you were 22), and had doubts about doing so once into the marriage a ways, what did you do to turn those doubts into a resource of strength and structure for your marriage?

Jack suggested I reach inside myself to see what I can bring to the table to keep things interesting and alive. I realize I am the one who is allowing that excitement to be depleted. Just wanted to know what other's have done in this situation, if there is anyone!

Thanks
~birdie~