Last week was actually a good week for me for the most part -- The week started on low note when W said she no long had SF feelings and it was my fault becasue I had talked about absentinence (COUPLE TIMES OVER THE LAST YEAR, BUT NOT W/I PAST SEVERAL MONTHS! -- she later admitted that that was not the reason, but that she just did not have the urges. SHE SAID MAYBE CHEMICAL THING & SHE WAS CLEARLY NOT PLEASED - ACTED DEPRESSED -- well, I got her over that - and she got back to her ole self -- And during the week, she never once called me, and I pretty much did not call her- maybe once? But we did walk the dog together, twice, & had nice conversations! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> SEE, Aren't I easy to please!!
Saturday night we had complimentary tickets to the Pirates baseball game and had fun with couple friends.
Yesterday, AFTER CHURCH AND LUNCH - (I grilled) we went to the pool together (and she wore one of her skimpy, VS Bikini's) and I did OK -- she said I did good! I left after an hour & half - WALKED HOME TO GET EXERCISE - NOT THAT FAR. I was watching golf when she returned AT 3:45 OR SO.
While at the pool I said I had an idea of something we could do later. She was making negative face & I teased her that she was being negative about my idea before she even heard it. (She has come to love golf and talks all the time about the fun she has in her ladies golf league. She had spoke of problems with chipping & putting) She got pleasant & I suggested going to golf course, to the practice area & practicing chipping & putting -- no cost-- she shrugged her shoulders as if she did not know -- pleasant enough, but not yes or no -- which I interpreted as "no."
Now when she returns home (& again, I am watching golf - I know for me to watch sports can be a potiential LBers! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ), she comes into the room and sits on the couch - me in the recliner(again, while watching sports, not the best image!). She expressed the idea of watching a movie, I say, "OK" & I give her the control & let her choose something else. I go to the couch & we were then physical. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
Then, she said she said she was not really interested in the movie, she left & went upstairs, so I changed it back to the golf -- This is around 5:00 PM, the PGA championship was getting very close with Tiger challenging a relatively new guy who has the lead -- She came back downstairs was whinning that she is really bored and makes strong, cynical comment that this is really boring to her! Now I am thnking, OK, she is professing "boring life" - "Poor Marriage" (like she has said in so many words was potential or contributing reason for A's and my mind starts working, is she thinking of fun she could have if she was like single! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Bad, I know, but I could not help it! I am feeling really challenged & manipulated. But I get irrated & bark back that I can not be held responsible to always entertain her!
She pops up & says she is going upstairs to watch TV - I say, that's fine and make motion like what is preventing her! She says she did not think she was allowed. I say what gave her that impression & she said because I am always talking about being together.
Again, I am having triggers that she will be seeking revenge on me by going out to look for good time in her own way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Then in few minutes she is at front door and is about to leave & announces she is leaving. Period, no expalantions. I bark (yes, I am upset) that she is being really rude! She says why?! I said, "To just storm out of here & not say where you are going or when you are returning?!" - She says, what did it matter, that I told her she needed to entertain herself! Grhhh!
I say, "If you can't figure it out, I'm not going to explain it!" She said she was going out to McD's to get something to eat. She sat on steps leading to front door for a while, then left. That was pretty much it.
So, ... I relate to the fact that Sunday's are not a day of rest from Marital issues!

This morning we have another incident - she yells at me & I yell back -- she did call me on my cell phone as I was on my way to office and apologised - which she never used to do! She has apologised on different occasions in past couple years, which in our first 29 years of marriage, very rarely happened if at all actually!"
Perhaps I should have given up watching the golf and concentrated on making her happy? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Peace ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It sounds to me like your wife wanted some attention. How come you didn't go to McD's with her? My H tells me I am high maintenance for much of the same reason. I get bored, I want to do something. I, however, DO entertain myself with no problem. The thing is, THAT is much of what led us in seperate directions. We NEEDED to have time together...to bond. We use weekends to concentrate on each other...doing things together. If one of us wants to watch TV we make sure we find something we BOTH enjoy watching so that we both enjoy the time together. Did you read His Needs Her Needs? That was one of the scenarios in there. YES, you may just have to give up watching sports whenever you please and do something that you BOTH enjoy. Your marriage is worth it, yes??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hope4future:
<strong>
... YES, you may just have to give up watching sports whenever you please and do something that you BOTH enjoy. Your marriage is worth it, yes??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good Points & doing more together has been a message of mine – that is why I made a big deal of walking the dog together (happy!) – in last couple years she had made a big deal about why we had to do that together. She made a big deal with C last summer in fact that she needed this time alone – she works around 25 hours per week. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Virtually all movies we go to are “Chick Flicks” –never any action movies unless it is with another couple where the guy has more of a say. I watch the Country Video channel cause that is her favorite kind of music(and I Like it now as well –not complaining!) During the week, when we watch TV, we watch “Inside Edition” and “Entertainment Tonight” Now I enjoy these programs, but would typically more enjoy watching “Sports Center” or the Golf channel, but I don’t. She knows virtually every movie star’s history, current girl friend /wife & former ones, ect. & so I need better versed on this. – Later in the evening I would prefer to watch a movie, or a game, but we generally watch her favorite sit-com’s – again I enjoy – not complaining & I enjoy her company more than watching the other things by myself!
This past week I felt particularly pleased that we watched “Baggor Vance” & “Tin Cup” – both of which we had seen before & she enjoyed. – If there is a program I suggest & she does not want to watch and I try to make any insistence, she gets up & goes upstairs to watch TV or threatens to & I go along with her whishes 99.5% of the time. Hexx I have even gotten used to watching Martha Stewart – (no more perhaps! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) – the Antiques Traveling show, the Cooking Chanel, WE - OXYGEN & Lifetime networks.

It is interesting that when we went to ball game I was describing different shows we watched on the home, & garden TV network – Home Decorating shows, as the lady & Cindy both enjoy that kind of thing – I have grown to where I enjoy these programs as well. Cindy was commenting yesterday that she was not sure she liked me telling other people that I watch these programs. Too feminine!
It was not that she was going to McD’s – it was the manner in which she was leaving, it was definitely a rebellious like attitude that I resented – I had to stop her to find out where she was going, otherwise she was storming out with barley a good bye?!

And she had rejected my idea for an activity earlier & she did not have another suggestion – she just evidently objected to me watching the golf. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I am not allowed to watch any sports? How do I negotiate to do something I want to do without it being a problem? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Peace ...

<small>[ August 19, 2002, 01:14 PM: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</small>

I hope you can understand that I get confussed as to how best handle different senerio's & I understand full well the idea of giving up on things that I want to do in favor of what she wants in the interest of keeping peace & enriching a marital relationship.
Here is another perspective from the same post on the emotional needs board:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">unless you are supposed to have done something else, or agreed to something else, and there is no agreement to do something else,

then making a LB out of your spouse's enjoyment is a totally and pure controlling and manipulative statement. . . period end of story. . . expecially if the shows are complementary to your lifestyle. . .

if however, the TV is chosen by turning down requests to do together activities, then the TV can can build resentment. . . however, using the TV watching as a LB is a control tactic. . . beware. . .</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">wiftty

Peace ...

<small>[ August 19, 2002, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</small>

Still have lingering questions.
As you may know, I attend a support group for people that have spouses (or family members) that have had multiply A’s or obsessive Se*ually acting out behavior patterns. I was reminded in last nights meeting that I sometimes get accusatory of my W about her denial of these issues, yet I myself am many times am in denial about “My Issues!” I have been reminded of this a few times here! It is sometimes a lot easier to vent & whine about our spouses bad behavior than to look honestly at ourselves & work on what we can do –

I understand, I should not have accused her of being “rude” by her storming out w/o any word about where she was going and all. It was almost like name calling! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

I have been advised that I need to tell her how I feel. Now, how I feel when she does this? I am entering scary territory – How do I feel about this?
Difficult for me to express.

The first word that pops into my brain is “manipulated,” but I’m not sure that is a “feeling?” Something someone mentioned in my last thread of a week or so back, which rang true is that when she gets into this, “I am not happy or I am bored” posture, I feel “anxious” that this will trigger her to look for other outside interest (lovers!) to fill this void. I am not sure I want to tell her this though for fear that it shows a weakness on my part. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I definitely feel she recognizes this in me and uses it to get her way, again, “working me!” Same feelings when she does not call me during the day or on her way home or on her days off & she gets annoyed if I call her – She makes an issue if I don’t have a good reason for calling – she makes a point that when she calls it is for a specific, good reason. She has established this little rule of sorts that it is not appropriate to just call to say hello. I have been told to not call her. Also, with me telling her ILY – She has never returned the gesture (has never used those words in fact, as you may remember) and I was told that I was being controlling or manipulative when I would use those words, even as a good bye gesture. I was told that when I do this, I am putting pressure on her to reciprocate. ?? As you can see I get totally whacked out as to what is appropriate and what is not – <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> As you know I am busted a lot here for being “controlling” and I full well know this is not good!

When I tell her that her action cause me to feel a certain way; I understand I need to express this “feeling” in a concise manner & let it be – this can be challenge for me (as you know!) Am I expressing a boundary as such with this? And if so, should I also express a consequence – what am I going to do? Or would that be too much like, “I will get even” kind of “counter-attack?”

Do I continue to re-frame from telling her ILY? Too controlling?

Is it out of the question for me to suggest we watch something I want to watch -- I guess so. I can understand it would be like "controling" to insist she sit there and watch something she is not interested in -- yet, I understand importance of doing things together -- I know we cannot be joined at the hips & yet I don't want to get into habit of her watching her programs & me mine in seperate rooms. I felt she was making a stink of me watching the program I wanted to watch. Am I not allowed that luxary at least on some occasions? Any ideas as to how to best negotiate that?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Peace ....

<small>[ August 20, 2002, 10:57 AM: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</small>