My H and I are currently separated, but we committed to recovery and a reconciliation at some point down the road. We spend a lot of time together alone and with family. We do spend quality time together and I enjoy my H's company.

I feel like banging my head against a wall. Before I've always been committed to recovery 100+%. These days (separated since May 02) I feel like I'm giving 50% or less. He's currently out-of-state for 3 weeks and I don't call much or give him my plans for the day or week. If he asks specifics I'll share with him, but other than that - I wait to see if he's noticed I'm not home. We do talk a couple times during the day, but the conversations are short (when he's on a break). I don't want to stress him during this course as it's very intensive and he needs to remain focused.

I find myself playing games - his games. He told me he danced with a woman last Friday night when the class went out to a bar. So I told him today that I danced with a guy last week when I went out after work. I never did, but I wanted to feel that pang of hurt that I felt.

I do love my H, but it's more on a friendly level. I got the raw end of the deal in this marriage. I had to put up with his anger and his As and his friends get the caring, big hearted guy that everyone loves. I want to get his best too so I might as well just be his friend.

If I take the "husband" label off him then I can see him for the loving person he is. I don't get irritated with him as easily and I try to put my best foot forward as well.

I'm wracking my brain trying to decide if I want to be married or not! I just don't have the motivation to put 100% into it. I've enjoyed my freedom and peace and quiet a lot.

So how do you decide and then stick to that decision? I feel that my H and I would still be great friends if we divorce. Am I just delusional?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Free2BMe,

No advice, just lots of these

((((((((((FREE2BME))))))))))
((((((((((FREE2BME))))))))))
((((((((((FREE2BME))))))))))
((((((((((FREE2BME))))))))))
((((((((((FREE2BME))))))))))
((((((((((FREE2BME))))))))))
((((((((((FREE2BME))))))))))

Hang in there dear lady. What ever you decide, you know we will support you.

Hugs and prayers,
K

How to finally decide? For me, I think I just jumped in with one eye closed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Seriously though... that's pretty much what I did! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I had some boundaries set up (not enough... but the main ones... like the obvious no more contact), and we used the first 2 months as a 'trial recovery'.

It's a VERY SCARY event... to move into recovery. Your M is no longer what it was, nor will it ever be. You're starting from scratch, and the only difference now, is that you have the best advice around on how to make it work THIS time.

I wanted my H home so badly too. The entire Plan A period was based on that as the 'reward' (so to speak). Then you reach that level, and you can't help but think to yourself, "now what???".

One of the things that helped a little bit at the start of our recovery, was that H kept his apt for another 2 months. He moved most of his everyday stuff back home (clothes, toiletries, etc.), and lived with us (me and the boys) again. It helped that we had that "out" to turn to for those 2 months.

I have to give you a little cyber kick in the butt for your LB to your H (when you outright LIED and told him that you danced with another man). I totally understand the strong desire to have him feel some of the hurt that you've felt... but trust me... it'll come on its own. By falling to the fog level games, you're only demeaning yourself. And you know it's not worth it.

I know this business trip is REALLY getting to you. And I don't blame you one bit. I'm curious... have you added any boundaries for your H concerning these trips?

Karen

Free...Hang in there. Nobody said this was going to be easy. If something bothers you then tell your husband about it and work it out together. Pray that God will give you the strength each day to make the right decisions and to be with you to gve you the insight you need to make it work.

I do have to give your husband a cyber kick for dancing with someone but he did tell you. Talk to him about this when he gets home so it will be out in the open and so you don't continue to dwell on it.

I think all of you know I would give a quatrillion dollars to be where your husbands are right now. Keep fighting for your marriage and pray that god will bless it and you will make it.

You guys are in my prayers daily. You are such an inspiration to me to fight for my marriage.

Love in Christ
cajunky

Thanks for the really heart felt responses!

knewjie: thanks for the hugs and the reminder of the wonderful support here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Topie:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One of the things that helped a little bit at the start of our recovery, was that H kept his apt for another 2 months. He moved most of his everyday stuff back home (clothes, toiletries, etc.), and lived with us (me and the boys) again. It helped that we had that "out" to turn to for those 2 months.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really like this idea and I'll bring it up for discussion if we ever get to this point.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to give you a little cyber kick in the butt for your LB to your H (when you outright LIED and told him that you danced with another man).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Butt kick felt... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I know it wasn't the wrong thing to do, but he's had so many years of just doing what he wants and expecting me to do the right thing. Just before I said it I had made a joke about his dancing with other women and he said he wanted to be honest and he was sure it would bother him if I danced with someone else. I don't understand why he would dance with another woman if he knew it would be bothersome. Does that make sense?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm curious... have you added any boundaries for your H concerning these trips?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't feel I should have to keep beating this into his head. We've talked and talked over the years about boundaries and his talking to other women is detrimental to him and to us (he gets involved in their lives and shows too much interest). I don't want to be the one to be preaching all the time. I've really had it with his fake naitivity towards all this. He's not a dumb man eyt he likes to play one.

Karen, thank you for sharing!

cajunky:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If something bothers you then tell your husband about it and work it out together.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I'm just still very bitter. I've talked until I'm blue in the face and it just doesn't seem to sink in with him or I feel as though his answers are just pacifiers. He would rather be a shoulder for any other woman to cry on than have me cry on his shoulder about us. I begged him once to talk to me about what was bothering him and he refused. I found out he was helping an out-of-state woman deal with her marital problems. That really pissed me off that I lowered myself to begging at his feet.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think all of you know I would give a quatrillion dollars to be where your husbands are right now. Keep fighting for your marriage and pray that god will bless it and you will make it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really wish you were my H! Or at the very least I wish my H was where you are in your recovery.

Most days I'm really leaning more towards NOT recovering our marriage and really just recovering our friendship.

Then other days I want the marriage to work, but it's not with the kind of fervor I've had in the past.

I really just want the pain of his As to end and I don't think that will happen if he's still my H.

I'm finding that I'm not stressed out wondering what he's up to. Sure I get a twinge once in a while, but nothing like when he's here. I used to count the milli seconds from when I'd leave him a message until the time he'd return my call and now I don't even pay attention to the time. And I don't sit home by the phone hoping he'll call.

I feel pretty healthy about where I'm at right now and maybe that's what scares me!

Thanks, guys!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />