I'm the WH. I started an EA with an old love who was the woman I wanted to marry around 19 years ago. We immediately connected and fell in love in less than a month. I told my wife I had reconnected with the OW, obstensibly for the purpose of understanding the influence that my previous relationship with the OW had in my marriage.

The OW wanted to distance herself from the EA and I agreed in the middle of November 2001. She and I both didn't want to continue the affair under any circumstances, but our feelings got the best of us. We continued to email each other around Thanksgiving of last year and then she requested that she see me on my birthday. We then had dates three consecutive weekends and kissed and hugged. With Christmas coming, she expressed much emotional need for me which I told her wasn't possible because I wasn't going to ruin my wife's holidays.

With the coming of the new year, I got my [censored] into therapy where the counselor immediately told me that I had to cut off contact with the OW. We tried to do so, but were unable to totally eliminate the contact. In both January and in March she expressed needs for emotional support based on some physical issues she was having and also for reliving some strong emotions associated with losing her father at a young age. I didn't respond with much because I couldn't figure out how to do that support without concocting a series of lies and deceptions with my wife.

Even though the affair had not gone sexual yet, the OW got very upset when I told her I had made love to my wife and had me take a pledge that I wouldn't do that. At a number of times, because of all the emotional turmoil she felt, I encouraged her to pull out of the affair in order to preserve the possibility that if I decided my marriage wouldn't work out, that I could perhaps hook up with her under better circumstances. And twice, she told me she was doing so, I told her I understood, but she kept coming back.

It all came to a head when in April of this year, the OW specifically invited me to come to her house during the workday to make love. And with very poor judgment, I went to do so and you guessed it, it happened. I was torn apart emotionally and spiritually and blamed the OW for instigating the PA (even though it was in my control to not drive the distance to see her). The EA/PA started falling apart when my wife found pictures of the OW and myself at dinner back in December (I asked her to bring a camera so we could have our picture taken together). I admitted the EA, but denied the PA.

During all this time I was in therapy, but around the time of the PA, my wife came into the sessions. Those didn't go well because the focus became the OW and we didn't really get to the real reasons the EA came into being. My wife and I took a trip to Europe in late May-June to try to see if we could rekindle any emotional connection. While it was a good trip on a friendship basis, I spent much of my private time wishing the OW was with me. When we got back, I planned to make a decision to leave the marriage to have a change to be with the OW. But by that time, the OW had emotionally disconnected from me and had decided to move on with her life.

Since then, I have gone thru periods of depression over the loss of the OW. I had sincerely believed that she was my soulmate (and I have had two other relationships with her previously that made me believe that) and that the vision for life that she showed me and the types of intimate connections that were possible were so much better than what I had experienced in my marriage. And I was preparing myself to leave my marriage for this better life.

I don't know if any of you have heard of the idea of synchronicity, but I have experienced this several times with this woman. And I am convinced that the discovery of the pictures was an indication that an outside force was at work to prevent the OW and I from getting together. The OW and I are communicating now as friends, although in some ways, we are still having an EA, but somewhat one-sided because she is keeping a certain distance from me emotionally. The other dynamic is that the OW is having some physical problems right now, so I do feel a strong desire to try to help and support her, although she refuses to see me in person.

My wife and I are still together, but separated in our house. We are going to therapy separately and we both are receiving substantial support from our family and friends. Another dynamic is that my job is at risk, so I am not inclined to make any radical moves at this time in regard to the marriage.

My big problem is that while I know I should recommit, I am wondering how committed to the marriage I was in the first place. Back when my wife and I were dating and during the early part of the engagement, I had dated other women and had a "EA/PA" with one woman just before the engagement and lasting for five months after the engagement. So I am trying to understand if I am a pathological liar/cheater at least in my intimate relationships (even though I never did this in any other dating situations). I did have absolute fidelity in the marriage until last November.

Does anyone have advice for me?

I don't think you're pathological. I think, like many of us, you haven't figured out where you have a weak link in your emotional chain. You have some sort of a need (possibly to be adored or admired) that your marriage isn't fulfilling. Flings and emotional affairs do that so easily it can seem as if it's because there is a soul connection. I doubt very much that is true. I think you see major compatibility between you and OW and she fills those needs you desperately need filled...so you believe her to be your soulmate. I hate to say...after a year or so of being her HUSBAND you would find certain needs were once again not being fulfilled. See, if you don't know what it is you need your WIFE to do...you also don't know what you need the OW to do. You get the perfect mix with the two of them together...but get one alone and you'll probably be back to square one.

The biggest advice I can tell you is to STOP ALL communication with the OW. You haven't given your marriage a chance at all while remaining in communication with her. I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE!!! I tried to remain friend with the OM too and figured I was strong enough to do so. My H and I almost divorced because I was sure I could just do things my way. TRUST ME, you will not and cannot get over withdrawl unless you let all communication drop and get RID of the fantasy you've placed around the OW. IT IS a fantasy.

Good luck.

Thank you for your kind thoughts, hope4future. I know you are right about cutting off connection with the OW. I am spending way too much time thinking about her, especially with the concerns I have over her physical problems. I am under no illusion that I will have a relationship with her. She has told me in no uncertain terms that she is not interested and that she was sure it wouldn't work out for us. And at some level, I believe that is true. We have had three times in our lives that we could've had opportunities for committed relationships and none of them have come to pass even though both of us have wanted it to happen (but strangely enough, never exactly at the same times).

The big concern I have is the lack of my commitment to the marriage. When reflecting back, at best I had a lackluster commitment to my marriage. It seemed that I was always looking for something or someone better, and yet never found it, because I stayed with my wife through the engagement period and even the recent EA/PA. Part of the problem is that the image I had for my life partner diverges substantially from my wife. I wanted someone who was warm, who was well liked by my family and friends, who was nurturing, shared my Catholic faith and was open to having a family. My wife has some very positive characteristics (otherwise we wouldn't have lasted this long), but has none of these qualities that I just mentioned. The OW did, although she couldn't have kids, she was willing to bring me into her family and provide some of that through her kids and grandchildren. So that was the dilemma I was facing in making a decision to leave the marriage.

And this is behind the difficulty I have recommitting - am I recommitting to something I really don't want anymore and that I should take my chances in the dating world to find someone who matches the vision better of what I wanted fifteen years ago.

Randys,

Please read the material on this web site... as the name implies it's targetted for MARRIAGE BUILDING.

I would personally recommend that you call and set up an appointment to talk with one of the Harleys (see Counsel link above)... Not that I'm trying to sell their services - but the problem is that you don't have the tools necessary to build a strong, happy marriage by the sounds of it.

If you think that your current wife is somehow "lacking" - that's often a clear sign that there's something lacking in you, or your philosophies... an issue that could very likely arise again in any future marriage you might have... because until you've fully addressed your issues now - you're setting yourself up. There's a reason there's a 75% divorce rate in 2nd marriages.

There is a plan out there for falling in love and staying in love (with your wife)... It centers around eliminating behaviors that destroy love, meeting each other's emotional needs, and learning to negotiate.

It's also clear that OW is causing you to experience an emotional fog. Your contact, no matter how innocent, will prolong that.

Keep posting, you'll get a lot of good replies.

I understand what you're saying. But I reiterate, you CAN'T know what's lacking in your life or your marriage, while you're filling those voids with external substances. Seriously, having an EA is running away from reality just as drinking or drug abuse is. You can't possibly "see the light" as long as she is in the picture. Maybe you and your wife aren't good partners...but I highly suggest you figure out WHY that is before wafting off to dating land. Because if the problem is YOU...you're taking the problem right along with you.

I am interested in everyone's perspective on whether the OM/OW can really be a soulmate. I have stated in my case that I believe that the OW is my soulmate. Maybe more accurately, I do believe she is my soul friend, given that it is apparent we have not been able to become life partners for each other.

She is older than I am (10 years), but how she looks and acts seems closer to my age. She and I have come into each other's lives periodically for what I view as profound life changing events. When we first met, we both were coming off terrible relationship breakups. We needed each other for affirmation of our basic goodness and worth as individuals, including our sexuality and after a few months, we moved on. More recently, the EA/PA taught both of us not to do this again, but also caused me to focus on myself and my shortcomings as I relate in intimate relationships. And to act with honesty and integrity as a person. I have seen much value in what is discussed on this site and will continue to use this information as I try to rebuild my marriage.

Ummm, you probably won't get many positive replies to the "soulmate" issue. That's a dirty word to many of us. My FWH used it with OW#1, and I'm embarassed to say that I used it with OM back in '94. It wasn't soulmate love...real love doesn't cause pain, confusion, and turmoil. Real love is when your spouse stays with you and loves you even when you've done something as horrible as you have (and as FWH & I have to each other).

Your marriage can be wonderful. Recovery is not actually the right word...you need to do what many of us have had to do: Re-build! Make a new committment, and make a different and happy marriage! You can ONLY do that if you both put in 100%+ effort. Obviously you CAN'T do that while you're pining for some "lost love." This sounds harsh, but get over it. Replace the habits of thinking of her with habits of thinking about your wife. When you want to call OW, call your wife. When you want to touch OW, go hug your wife. See the pattern? It takes a little while to replace bad habits with good ones, but you CAN do it. But first you have to realize that each time you re-live the memories and tell yourself you really want your lost "soulmate", you're putting any recovery back to square 1. You have to get her completely out of your life or you're just wasting your time and prolonging your wife's misery.

You're not just talking to BS's here...there are many WS (like myself) who have been where you are. 8 years ago I thought I could never love my FWH again...now I consider my marriage a true gift. We are totally in love and are best friends.

Your marriage is a covenant made in the sight God, and He will honor your re-committment if you will. Believe me, if you let God get involved in your business and have free reign of your relationship, He'll do the miraculous. I promise.

Communicate with your wife...you need each other more than you know. God Bless you both.

Lori

The recent therapy I've been going through has been invaluable. I reflect back on what I wrote about my vision for my life partner in this thread. Essentially, I've been looking for many of my mother's characteristics in another woman. Now at face value, I don't know that this is bad. The real issue seems to be whether I relate to women on a mother-son basis or is it even possible for me to relate on a healthy, equals basis. And in some ways, the relationship with my wife works because it is low impact from an emotional standpoint - it does work for fulfilling most of the ten emotional needs, but seems to be missing some level of fulfillment which was obviously something I was seeking thru the EA/PA.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by randys:
<strong>...but seems to be missing some level of fulfillment which was obviously something I was seeking thru the EA/PA.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excitement, maybe? Obviously we can't expect our spouses to be "on" and entertain us all the time, but we can put some spice into our relationships. Brainstorm this with your wife and POJA ("policy of joint agreement") some ways that you two might be able to put some excitement and spice into your marriage. You may be surprised by her answers. Be prepared with some ideas of your own, too. It would be great if you would be pro-active in the issue and get the ball rolling. Don't wait for your marital problems to be "fixed" before you become a great husband...be a great husband and your wife will blossom! We love attention and admiration as much as you guys, and we respond accordingly. Don't wait for your wife to change so you can be happy -- change YOU so SHE can be happy! The result is, you'll both be happy!

Hey, being married can be lots of fun! Of course there are going to be boring times and days that are taken up with the ho-hum stuff of life, but remember to take the time to inject a little fun into your relationship!

You can do this! If my H and I can recover (and then some!) after what we've been thru, anyone can!

Lori