I rec'd this email from my WH this morning, how do I respond to this??:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like I am dying inside right now. This situation is killing me, I do
not know what to do. I am sick of being in the middle of this spider web. I
have to get my head on straight. I need to know something, why do you want me
to come back so bad, when all I have ever done is what is best for me, not what
is best for us, I have lied to you, I have spent the last year with someone
else. I am so confused right now, I do not know where to go from here. Sorry
I am not trying to upset you, I am just having a very hard time breaking
free. My heart is completely broken right now. Sorry this is the stuff I
wanted to talk about on Saturday, but I always seem to lose the courage to
talk. I am scared to death of losing everything. I am so sick of just being
content with my life I want to be Happy. Talk to you soon</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ August 21, 2002, 07:18 PM: Message edited by: going_crazy ]</small>

going_crazy Good Morning, this sounded alot like my WW when she was in the fog and consumed with guilt.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not trying to upset you, I am just having a very hard time breaking
free. My heart is completely broken right now. Sorry this is the stuff I
wanted to talk about on Saturday, but I always seem to lose the courage to
talk. I am scared to death of losing everything. I am so sick of just being
content with my life I want to be Happy. Talk to you soon</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, it seems like your husband is feeling insecure and very guilty. Like my WW i think he feels that if he totally breaks free, will you really forgive and move on? If not he is left with no one. I think what he needs right now is a little "little" reassurement. Just a quick note that you are there for him if he needs to talk. I know when my WW responded similarly, that is what I did and she opened up, but i left it totally up to her to do so. It seems he is reaching out, take his hand slowly and carefully.

hopenden

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by going_crazy:
<strong>I rec'd this email from my WH this morning, how do I respond to this??:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like I am dying inside right now. This situation is killing me, I do
not know what to do. I am sick of being in the middle of this spider web. I
have to get my head on straight. I need to know something, why do you want me
to come back so bad, when all I have ever done is what is best for me, not what
is best for us, I have lied to you, I have spent the last year with someone
else. I am so confused right now, I do not know where to go from here. Sorry
I am not trying to upset you, I am just having a very hard time breaking
free. My heart is completely broken right now. Sorry this is the stuff I
wanted to talk about on Saturday, but I always seem to lose the courage to
talk. I am scared to death of losing everything. I am so sick of just being
content with my life I want to be Happy. Talk to you soon</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe he is crying out for help.
My response would go something like this:

Dear H,
I understand what you are feeling more than you imagine, and it pains me as well.
I want to rebuild our M because I love you, and I believe that if we commit to the hard work of doing this, we will succeed.
There are people who can help us achieve this. With them and their methods, I can help guide us down this path if that is what you choose to do.
Our "old" marriage is no more...to succeed we must create a new one, and with faith and truth we can do it.

Love,
GC

<small>[ August 20, 2002, 09:10 AM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

Congrats on this breakthrough... let him know you will be there and what marriage, your marriage, means to you.... it is worth rebuilding, and he can be the husband you need... I know this... etc. it takes committment and work for the marriage on both parts... maybe he has learned this in his living for the moment phase of life... whatever that is, immaturity, etc... selfishness.. now dont tell him that part...

hugs and congrats again... I think staying back is good, because then he has some space to come towards you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Jeezeeeee-wheezeeee~~~~

What an opportunity !

Make a list of sweet memories you and your H share... ie;

? WHY do I want you ?

(examples of HIM being your hero)
The camping trip when we ....
The birth of our child when you ....
The day our pet ran away and you saved the day when you....

(REMIND HIM of the good stuff he's done)

Gads .... he's begging you to tell him that he's a good enough man for you!!!!!!

WOW~~~~ Wowee

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

He sounds very very lost. I remember being there. He doesn't want to make the wrong decision...he doesn't want to live a life full of regrets.

This would be an EXCELLENT opportunity to get him to talk to one of the Harleys. He really does sound like he's reaching out, so MAYBE he'll be more willing to listen to someone.

I will say whatever you decide to say or do...do it soon. These peeks through the fog soon disappear. The pain is too much to face with the little to no coping skills we WS's often don't have and we tend to justify and reason ourselves right back in the muck in no time.

GC,

the note from you H is encouraging. He is at least writing to communicate with you. I've seen it suggested were if two people can't reallytalk they should write instead. Writing allows one to think about what they are saying, they don't feel as pressured and know they don't have to be thinking "quickly" to respond. Perhaps for a time you two should just write to eachother.

to answer you about how to respond, remember you don't have to comment about all of the points he brings up "why do you love me?" for example. he is feeling guilty and unworthy of your love. He reall wants to know you will support him, are supporting him, looking for reassurance.....You don't have to respond in words, just actions.

You know what lonely and scared is, I'm a BS, I've felt that way, I think you have too. Just let him know you understand he needs to work things out, that you think he CAN work those thing out(maybe with help MC?) and that the future is comming. He is thinking the future has neither you or OW in it, (at least the way he would like).

When he realizes he has already broken the web and is no longer "stuck" to anything and he is really free to start thinking about himself and working on himself for himself he will start to emerge from withdrawal. He will realize he CAN and must move on with HIS life.

You could say something like, "I know its hard, it hurts. And I know you can do what it takes to come out of this ok.....Here's some things I have learned that might help. You can do this!

Anyway enough rambling....from what I've read about how you handled his return Friday, you really do know what you are doing

Prayers

DRS

Hi g_c,

maybe just listen to your heart. He is telling you several things in his note.

why do you want me
to come back so bad,

you might want to answer this with:
Because I truely know who you are deep inside and I never gave up on you. Because of the good sides of you that I have gotten to know. Because love just doesn't "die". It will let things happen with us that we never imagined to happen. Love lets us forgive.

The love that I feel for you gives me the courage and the strength and mostly the confidence that we can make our marriage become what we had both thought it would be when we got married. I love to think of that day and I know we were a very great team. We both made mistakes but this doesn't change the fact that we can become an even better team in the future.

Remember -Husband- we promised that we'd go through good days and bad days.
I'll be here for you and you can depend on me.

I have became aware that everyone makes mistakes. It's just a matter of learning from them and working together to get on the right track again.

I feel the pain you are going through. I can understand your confusion. I can understand that your heart is broken. I can understand that you don't trust yourself to talk to me. But you might just want to give it a try and see what will happen.

I have had many months to learn many things. I have learned mostly alot about the mistakes we have both made. I have realized that many things that I thought that were important just don't mean anything to me anymore.
They meant alot to me when we shared them together. I would love to have this again and much more. I too want to be happy.

-Husband- I also wanted to tell you, I am not only your wife, no, I can also be a great friend if you need one.

take care

going_crazy,
I had wrote my H a letter simular as this one. I had to translate it, so it is abit different.
It did help in our case. I wasn't able to speak these words at that time so I wrote them. My H never was aware how emotional I am.

Your H does seem to be screaming for help. Listen to your gut because you know him better than any of us and then do what you think is right. Just stay "calm".

take care
BB <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

thank you sooo much for everyones input, I just wrote something and emailed it, I had a work emergency come up and just got back to do it.

Blondblossom: your "letter" had me in tears, because it is exactly how I feel but I just don't have the words to say it. I used alot of what you had written, with some tweaks here and there. thank you so much.

I will let you guys know when I here a response, I hope I got it to him while there was a break in the fog.

again, thank you everyone (hopenden, Spacecase, Honey, Pepperband, hope4future, DesertReStart, Blondblossom) for your quick response and helping me through this.
I did not mention counseling yet, I was going to wait for his response, also I don't know if he has started reading SAA yet. I guess I'm trying not to educate him yet, but just be here for him, as hard as it is on me, thankfully I have everyone here who understands!!

He replied back to my email, but this is his response? I know he got my email because he replied back to it? What the h**l? Where is his head at? Up his butt??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> what is your SSN, I am going to go down to XXXXX(city) tonight, and I may buy a new
truck if I can lower my Car Payment. I want to get rid of this car before
something goes wrong with it. I will do the loan on my own but just in case.
I think I can get a good deal right now because of the 0% and lower my car
payment even if I have to roll some money in from my Car. It will also cheer
me up. Why not. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Going crazy -- Sorry I missed your earlier posts on this. I agree with everyone else that he is scared and is trying to reach out to you.

Now, regarding this most recent email. DO NOT READ too much into it. Take it at face value that he is simply trying to get his finances in order on his car.

I think you can assume that he did not respond to your most recent email because he needs time for it to sink in and think about how he wants to respond. Remember he is scared and feeling guilty and a whole lot of other emotions. Do not expect a speedy reply.

I learned the hard way that I needed to give WH time to respond.

On this recent email about the truck. I would email back and tell him that it sounds like he has thought this through (boost his confidence) and that it sounds like a good financial decision. And then ask if he would like you to go with him or discuss it before he does it/if that would be a help to him. (This assumes that you agree it is a good decision). I think he is looking for you to affirm a decision he's making and is his way of asking you.

I sent a quick email back before I saw your post unsureheart.

I gave him my SSN and just asked what kind of truck did he have in mind. Where he is, would be a 90 minute trip for me to go so I didn't ask about meeting him.

We used to have a truck, comes in handy with a house, and he traded it in for a car for his last job because it involved sales. He was always saying we would get another one so we could do more with the house without having to borrow somenones.

GC, you have received some very good advise.

My FWS was right where your WH is now back in May... I calling it the coming out of the fog phase... they can now start to see the damage and hurt that they have caused the people that loved them, it is a very difficult time for the WS, they can become very depressed. They are confused, not sure what direction to go, why the BS would still be in love with them, they also don't want to cause more pain to anyone, including the OP. You can give reassurance, some guidance, and support, but the WS must figure this out on their own, it is part of the process.
Take care,
Dave

I have no clue what is going on. He is already off work for the day, he just sent me an email saying that he was going to get a truck like our old one, but different color? Since he's off work cant email with him.

should I just be still and let him contact me? thats probably better, maybe what I said to him will "sink in"

for those in recovery: what "stage" is this for coming out of the fog (if he does), how long do you think he will be like this, what else to expect??

bump

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by going_crazy:
<strong>for those in recovery: what "stage" is this for coming out of the fog (if he does), how long do you think he will be like this, what else to expect??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What stage? The beginning. A good one also. With lots of recognition of pain. However, before you jump for joy also understand that this pain could also make him backslide.

My sitch: H did the same as yours did in his e-mail. He sent me similar e-mails last Feb, told me to pray for him, then the left he next day on a 3 day vacation with OW. ???? gets worse..... Comes back from vacation and mentions D again. Tells me why would I want him back. Heard that line over 1 dozen times. Finally I said, you're right, why would I want you back? I am not sure but when I am, I will let you know. No more nice words. Just learned to babble back. Had to to keep my sanity.

Let's see Ws moved back home in April 2001. I got prego May 2001, lost the baby June 2001, ow left over 30 voicemails to me in a 4 day period, OW claimed prego (2nd time but no baby) June 2001, accused me of making her loose the baby which she never proved she was even prego, I threw Ws' stuff out of the house, told him to leave, he called 911 said I was crazy, they came and saw him pushe me, sent him to a couple of days in the poke, had a 10 day ro automatically enforced by the police, he went to live with OW for about 10 days(this was July 2001), cried to come home end of July and Ow screaming in the background telling me to take him back. Our anniversary was August 2001, OW called day of anniversary and next day, though WS swore there was no contact, OW claimed prego 3 (again no proof) in Aug 2001, contact continued with last known pysical contact Feb 2002, last known phone call from Ow mid June 2002. End of July 2002, H (regained his title) now says he does not miss the OW and has forgotten a lot of the past year's events. Wonders how I remember so much!!! LOL!

I am not saying this will happen to you but be prepared. I always keep plan B in my back pocket. Even used it a few times since April 2001.

JMHO,
L.

we have definitely been on the roller coaster for a while, in fact, ever since he tried to move back last August, he has been on the fence for the past year, always say he was "thinking" about coming back.

I get so angry sometimes because I feel like I'm just sitting around for no reason at all. I might as well be a convenience store.

what is the next phase, or is there. Do you know of any additional information on withdrawal? I have read some of the notable posts, SAA, etc.

IMHO, he has to prove to you he is worthy material to consider. I learned that waiting from him to come home hampered my personal recovery and enabled the A to continue. I initially did out of a survival instinct. I was told better but had to try anyway. Then when I was done trying that way, I tried to detach myself and move forward. Thanks to the A-diet, I lost weight, painted, changed things at home and work, learned to be more independent, worked on a home business course (didn't work out but did learn a lot), etc. I kept busy. Eventually the Ws noticed I was looking and acting a lot better than that OW of his. All during this time I used to plant seeds of doubt (evident stuff) about the OW. Things that he should have been wondering about anyway. To the point that he kept asking if I learned anything more, he said he wanted to see something real bad so he could hate her. At first that helped me then those words kept babbling and the PA kept going that I eventually discounted that his words. I watched his actions. Kept plan B in my pocket and used it several times.

The point was is that I eventually reconciled myself to the fact that with or without him, I was going to survive. Even if it meant making major adjustments in our lives. I talked with my son and he even offered ways to help (6 years old). His concessions included his not asking for toys, cleaning his room, giving me more hugs, etc. That made me smile and gave me the determination to move forward.

L.

thanks for the info, I'm not familiar with your entire background, but I assume that you and your H are in recovery??

I started distancing myself from WH about a month ago, letting him contact me, not being available all the time, not talking about US,etc. Its been since then he has seemed to change, I shut down our relationship conversations, etc.