OK, it has been two weeks or so since the second Plan B started. After two months the last time, WH contacted OW and continued conversations in secret, then made arrangements to see the OW while on a business trip to her town. I have moved back to my parents', out of state with our one year old daughter. WH just wrote the following email to his mother and copied me on it. I don't know what to think--is he still in the A, does he think it has to end, or is he still convincing himself I am the wrong one for him. BTW, in my own defense, I really feel that his complaints about me have been blown up somewhat, but have completely taken ownership of all the wrongs I did in our relationship and have made tons of changes to better handle conflict between us and my own anxieties and insecurities. WH has admitted several times that I am making changes, just can't get past how what I did made him feel. I apologized and tried a decent Plan A for almost a year. Sorry this is so long, but I could really use some input. Thanks.

Hello Mom,

The following is what has transpired in the past several months and is why Anne and I are where we are today. I am sharing this with you because I know Anne has mentioned our problems to you in the past and she told you it was due to the way she was treating me. It's only fair to her, and everyone involved, that the real truth be known. I would appreciate it if you would keep this to yourself (I know and expect you to tell Dad), and not read it aloud to the rest of the family. I am sure I will be speaking with other family members in the future and will tell them when I feel the time is right.

Anne is a wonderful, giving, and caring person. Tierney is blessed to have her as a mother and I considered myself blessed to have her as a wife. I've learned so much from her and feel that she has improved the quality of my life by being part of my life. However, she is an intense person and was raised in an environment much different from mine. I am not saying this is a good or bad thing, just different. She says what's on her mind and patience isn't a real strong point for her. Her family is aggressive when it comes to confrontation, and Anne takes after her father in many ways. Once again, I am not saying this is right or wrong, just something I was not accustomed to prior to getting to know her. To say the least, we handle situations in a very different manner. I was very concerned about the above prior to getting married and that is why I called her the morning of the wedding and told her I was having second thoughts.

For several years Anne spoke to me in what I considered a demeaning tone of voice and I couldn't understand why she would speak to someone she loved and was married to in that manner. I don't think that she was intentionally trying to be demeaning, but rather it was just her nature concerning with how she dealt with things. I always told myself that she wasn't doing it to hurt me, it was just how she vented. On the other hand, I now know that it was taking its affect on me and causing me to withdraw from her. To add to the problem, we were not intimate for most of a three year period. I consider myself an affectionate person (especially with someone I am in love with) and intimacy (both sexually, emotionally, etc., etc.) is very important to me and something I want to share with my wife. Anne and I did not have that and it bothered me that I didn't know why she wasn't interested in sharing that with her husband and best friend. For a long period of time I was under the impression that she felt she made a mistake marrying me, but didn't want to say anything because we were already in the marriage. When I attempted to talk to Anne regarding the above concerns, she would get upset with me and storm off. I now realize I was probably going about it in the wrong manner. Anne had a lot going on with the problems at work, not being able to have a child the natural way, and me complaining about living in Chicago. All of the above mentioned contributed to her attitude and behavior towards me. The difference is that I wanted to get closer to her during those tough times and she was pulling away from me. I didn't handle it well and really felt that she was not attracted to me and didn't want anything to do with me in that regard. And if such was the case, why did she marry me? I started to not like myself, because I couldn't understand why Anne was treating me like this.

I think the biggest problem we had, was that we didn't know how to communicate with each other. What ever the case may be, the next turn of events caused severe problems and I have no one to blame but myself.

I had a group of friends that I would run with a couple of times a week. One of the individuals was a female. Her and I became good friends and I found myself enjoying her company more than I should have. I knew that we were getting too close, but I can't deny the fact that I was getting from her what I was missing from Anne and it felt good. I felt that I had lost my best friend with Anne, and this other gal was filling the void. To make a long story short, I ended up having an affair with this gal. I never set out looking for an affair, and I never thought I was the type of individual that would even consider something like that. I always had a great lack of respect for individuals that I knew who carried on as such. The fact is that I did it and I will stand up and be accountable for my actions. I know it was wrong and the worst thing that I could've done given the situation we were in. My only reasoning regarding the affair, is that I didn't know how to handle what was happening with Anne and I and I felt that she was not in love with me any longer. It got to the point that I couldn't live with it any longer and let Anne know of the situation in a variety of ways without directly telling her until she confronted me.

To her credit, she accepted what I did and was willing to work on things and has been attempting to change things about her that make me unhappy with our relationship. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get past how she treated me for so long and I can't relax around her enough to be myself and let us work on a new beginning. I am very anxious around her and I can't sleep. Before I went to Chicago, I was up for five nights straight. I haven't quite figured this out yet, but I am seeking help regarding the matter and pray that I can gain some peace of mind concerning the situation. Anne moved to California because the above was causing great stress for both of us and I didn't think it was a healthy environment for Tir na nOg. I was making Anne hysterical and that's not fair to her or Tierney. It something I have to work on and only I can fix it. Anne has done all she can regarding the situation. I can't say what is going to happen at this point and time, I think Anne and I are just taking it a day at a time. She feels that she needs to move on with her life to maintain emotional stability for her and Tierney. I understand that and support her regarding that. So there you have it, hopefully this will answer all of your questions concerning the matter. I am sure you won't be so quick to inform me how proud of me you are in the near future. Understandably so...in my own eyes I have become someone that I have always lacked respect for.

Sincerely Kevin

Anne,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know what to think--is he still in the A, does he think it has to end, or is he still convincing himself I am the wrong one for him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No "thinking" allowed in plan B. You could read this letter a lot of different ways. Being the optimist that I am, I'd consider this a good sign that the fog is lifting.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really feel that his complaints about me have been blown up somewhat</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ack---you need to care about how HE FEELS, not whether or not his feelings back up your version of the 'truth'. What you need to do is to...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">have completely taken ownership of all the wrongs I did in our relationship and have made tons of changes to better handle conflict between us and my own anxieties and insecurities</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent Plan A behavior, and it's even noticed by your wayward spouse.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry this is so long, but I could really use some input. Thanks.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you're in counseling with Steve Harley, I'd run this by him. If you're not, there are a couple tracks you could take:

1. Do nothing. If you have made it very clear to him (by your plan B letter and any other communication) that you're willing to work on the marriage when he's ready (the ending of the affair signifies the 'readiness'), then you could just let this lie.

2. Respond to him letting him know that you're more than willing to try to work through this together as a team, to help rebuild feelings of love---when he's ready.

3. Same as two, but copy his mom on it too.

I don't know the family dynamics involved here. But regardless, the more 'public' the affair has become, the more likely it will end. You seem to be in a pretty good place here. If you have been counseling with Steve, it might be a good time for him to talk to your husband. If you haven't been counseling with Steve, it'd be a great time for you to start.