On Sunday, H tells me that he has to golf on Monday afternoon and will be unable to pick up D at my IL's per routine. No problem for me. Only thing is that I commute by train and I normally don't get home until 6:00 or 6:30. Well, the stars being what they are, when I arrived at the train station yesterday to catch an earlier train, I found that there were huge delays. Actually had to wait over an hour to get on a train which means that I didn't get to my IL's until 7:30.

H calls and my D answers. Says I'm eating with Grandma and Grandpa (my MIL had supper waiting for me). He asks to talk to me. When I get the phone, he BLOWS his stack. I didn't even yell back. He says, "Great, the one time I have to rely on you and of course, like always, you have an excuse. You're all about excuses. My sister is going to find out and blame me that I'm golfing while my parents have to watch my daughter...on and on..."

I tried to explain but didn't really say much. I was so tired that I had no energy. I had actually called my IL's from the train twice apologizing and letting them know. Well, my MIL takes the phone and asks my H why he's reacting the way he is...he's still yelling at this point.

Fasttrack to this morning...H calls me on my cell at 9:00 a.m. He blows his stack because I promised him that I wouldn't tell his parents about the A...that I'm mowing the lawn so that everyone can feel sorry for me...how he can't even show his face on the street because of me and the way I've made everyone feel like he's abandoned me...how he could never come back to me and how he will haunt me...how he'd like for me to wonder if and when one day, he'll disappear with Jenna.

I remained calm and said, "I love you and know in my heart that you would never do that to me. I also love you enough to pray that you speak to someone that can help you with your anger."

He hung up. Out of control.

Hi Terrified

Looks like the pressure is getting him.... the pressure he is setting for himself. Simply ignore his outbursts - tell him calmly that his reaction is inappropriate, wrong for these and these reasons. repeat it 100 times if he shouts, but dont get into a shouting match with him. remember - you love him, you're the haven where he can turn into. at least for the moment, that is.
but all in all, it looks like he is slowly getting aware of the monstrosity of the mess he has gotton himself into. Dont LB now, make him welcome in your arms and home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong>...how he'd like for me to wonder if and when one day, he'll disappear with Jenna.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This scares me T. That's an outright THREAT to you and your daughter!!! And the way your H has been ranting and raving... I strongly believe that he has it in him to kidnap your dear Jenna. He knows so many things that can 'break' you... and since you've gained strength, those same lines don't work on you the same way anymore. He knows that his final way to 'get to you' will be through Jenna. Don't allow that to happen!!

Will you call either your lawyer OR the police and find out what you can do about that threat?

As far as your H's continuous shouting and carrying on... I'm VERY happy to hear that his own family is officially a witness to HIS actions. At least there's solid proof behind your testimony to that fact now. (not that there should have been in the first place <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ).

Take care,
Karen

Hi Nick, Thanks for replying. It is definitely slow but I do feel the same way about his awareness of the situation. However, I do think he feels like he's been backed into a corner...but I didn't yell back but continued to reinforce that I love him enough to understand.

Strange that I felt so strong in saying it...all the while my mother telling me today that it is because I never "listen"...if I had "listened" to her advice, I wouldn't be in this mess.

Terrified I think it's time to seek additional resources outside of MB. Your H is out of control and abusive. Think about your safety and your mental well being right now. Worrying about LBing should be the least of your worries. Goodness girl you are walking on eggshells FOR this man who does nothing but abuse you. Please think about this. It will never change. Never. Never ever ever ever ever. This man is sick. There is no amount of Plan A-ing or Plan B-ing or MB-ing that will ever ever EVER help this man. None. HE is the only one that can change his behavior. The longer you continue this, the worse it will be in the long run.

I know this is not very MB of me but your focus should be on your safety and not winning this man back. I've been there and done that. Did it all. You are only ENABLING him to abuse you.

I write to you from one abused woman to another. Please think about this. This man is very dangerous.

T- Do not even worry about your h's suppossed threat. He is trying to push buttons.. my h has threatened the same thing, though not recently... they just hate doing whta anyone says but them, and they are the ones causing all this mess anyway..

I know he would not do that either... he thrives on scaring you.

hugs, Honey

Terri,

Please take the threat to take your child seriously. Seek legal and professional help NOW rather than wish you had in the future. Let Steve Harley know about this threat.

T,

The comment about your child? Make a note of it and report it to your lawyer. Telling him you love him is bad medicine right now. It should be good medicine but in this fog everything is backwards. Mentally twisted. The ILY is interpreted as IHY. So don't waste your words on him right now. It will be a while but the more you say it the longer it will take him to heal.

Mow your lawn, let him think the neighbors think he has abandoned you. Tell him they already know that so you mowing the lawn will just keep your front yard looking good just like you need to keep looking good. The fact that the train made you late is not your fault. The fact that your MIL and FIL agreed to watch your daughter more is ok with you, remind him it is not his issue.

Gotta learn the babble babe.

Oh bye the way, tell him his diaper is showing whenever he throws a temper tantrum and the neighbors get a hoot whenever you replay that tape of his phone tirades..... oops bad suggestion...... guess I'd better go back to my corner. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Hello everyone and thank-you for your replies.

Based on my H's history of threats, I tend not to take any of them as seriously anymore. He hasn't acted on anything SO far...however, I'm not discounting the seriousness of his threat with regards to my daughter. If and when I face the legal system, I do plan to discuss his threats and his abuse. Until my H meets with Steve H. this upcoming Monday, I will lay low on any plans. I think Steve H. needs to talk to my H before he feels certain about my next steps.

There are so many times when I think he's become indifferent (apathy) and then his rage resurfaces.

Orchid...you made me smile. It's encouraging that you can step back and "see" so much more than I can...it's that objectivity that one loses when immersed in a crazy situation.

T- I can't help but remember a few weeks ago you and H were attending a party together or seomthing like that.. his swimsuit was in your house.. and thw two of you were getting along better... I think then you were being nicer... I dont think he likes it when you take control.

I think he has some deep wound inside and everytime it looks like this is his fault he freaks to fight it.... he has anger issues and he goes balistic to defend that he is OK> I think he takes every little thing personally. I noticed my h doing this, thinking I blame him for things when I do not.

Do not talk down to him... the I am praying for you??? now maybe I am praying for us... I think he would take that first comment, I am praying for you, as an insult and that he has a major problem.. not that I havent sd the same thing.. it seems a nice thing to say... but ya know the fog, an d the shame they are in??? right.

I too have been advised to take harsh action on this board to my h... if I did we would be divorced. All of that is up to you.

Show this man you love him. but maybe not the i love you's? ask steve. didnt steve say plan a? I dont know. it really seems to me your h responsds better to loving kindness, not the tough love appraoch. My h does well with some distance and loving or at least kind behavior when there is contact.

I know it is a tough crack to walk. I know. I read some on the site that ws posted to you this am.

I do think your h is raging. Dont responsd.. is the best answer.

He is angry at himself.. he sees the marital status as your fault because he cant blame himself, he already is too mad at himself, so he must blame you.. make sense? me neither, but it does remind me of 2 yr old mentality.. but these are grown men.

Giv eit time and be strong.

Good luck and prayers to you and your fmaily for th e appt with steve.

Honey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Terrified:
<strong>

I remained calm and said, "I love you and know in my heart that you would never do that to me. I also love you enough to pray that you speak to someone that can help you with your anger."

He hung up. Out of control.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Terri,
this sounds terrific to me! You did so well! Way to go!!
Of course like so many of his rants -- They just do not make a lot of sense -- you mowing yard, others thinking he abanded you .... DAAA!
He is one that moved out -- months ago, right?
I rememeber he was asking you not to tell anyone until after Thanksgiving, then Christmas.
And he is always telling you that it is over and he is never coming back -- what is his point,other than trying to make you feel bad! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Now if he means those things, why is he so obsessed with what other people are going to think of him fro leaving you! I don't think he has processed this!! It does not sound like he truely want a divorce, but wants this seperate life & his acessability to pop into your life and contiunually harrass and abuse you!!
Terrie, God bless you! You need to seek some help from this man! Has your C helped any with this?
Hope you can hang in there until Cing with H!! Did you cancel first appointment or was first appointment set for this Monday?
I would talke to an attorney -- I am not a lawyer, but with his histroy of abuse as you have reported and these threats I would think he is building a pretty good case that you could logically argue for no UNSUPERVISED VISATATION - EVEN NOW!!
peace & love ...

<small>[ August 21, 2002, 05:09 PM: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</small>

Honey and HH, Thanks for your continued encouragement and advice.

Honey, I think taking control and MAINTAINING it will not lead to a divorce. I pray it leads to an awakening but sadly enough, it may not unless HE awakens by himself. However, it definitely creates a more "rageful" environment if there is such a word. He is so much angrier. And his behaviour is very similar to my daughter's when she doesn't get her way. Good point.

HH, I am definitely keeping a tally of all his episodes. My posts to MB will also help to support any case that is made.

I keep thinking that he has become a madman.

Thanks agian.