My H has broken off the affair with OW but last week I have found some calls from her to my H on his cell phone almost every morning and he has called her a few times too. I asked him about them and he said that he has made them short and kinda blown her off somewhat. What I don't understand is that he had called her too. It's been 9 months of this up and down out of control affair with her and I'm worn out and tried of being this mean and hateful person that is being played for a fool. I told him before our Annv a few weeks ago that I did'nt want to have another year with him if it meant that he was still involved with her, it was time for him to deside that he wanted his life back with his wife and children or he could have a life with her. He said us, but after the phone calls I just lost it again their is no reason for him to be talking to her if he called it off with her and now I don't know if he did that or if he is just playing with us both. This weekened was bad because I was mad and he was tired of me being mad, I even got as far has dailing her # but then hung up on the 2nd ring. I'm glad I cought myself, but when he looked on my cell phone and saw that I called her he was so mad(soooo mad) he left and was gone for a few hours. Later that nite I got his phone and found out that he called her, so I got mad again and the name calling started and all the past with her was brought up again and then I just stopped and walked out of the room. late he came up to me and said that he was tried of the name calling and the fights and the hate and that we need to be nice to each other and stop the fighting and for me to just leave it alone and everything will be ok. But will it? I'm so tired......what should I do.......

PLEASE HELP

My h did the same exact thing. Denied that the a had started up again, got mad at me for checking on him, and asked me also to just leave it alone and everything will be ok...he just needed time. It was just his way of having her and a home too. Did he send a NC letter? The end of the affair means no contact...no contact means no contact.

He left the house and called her. Doesn't sound good. I'm sorry. I've been there and it's terrible.

I am sorry for your hurt but all WS seem to be the same. They all need time to end it on their own terms or do the right thing or time to get the head on straight.

I left it alone, thought my M was on the way to recovery only to find WH with OW. After a brutal verbal attack on WH, I realized that I will never do that again because I will never be that passonate about WH again. I truely feel nothing now. I kicked him out but kids begged me to give him another chance as he did. I could not make another emotional charge decission.

I think that it is true. This is about you, how you feel and what you can take. You cannot control his behavior and when his behavior controls your life you must take action. Whether it is kicking him out, withdrawing like I am or whatever. Take charge of yourself. I feel so much better knowing that I made the decission to withdraw and collect. The next episode will surface and only time will tell how I choose to deal with that.

You are allowing him to do this to you. He has had control long enough. Decide what you want. I can't stress that enough and you will find so much peace and solice from this horrific situation.

Take care <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Perez,

Being nice to each other is great as this is part of Plan A, BUT in order to "just leave it alone and everything will be ok," that's a whole different area.

Leaving it alone and sweeping it under the rug does nothing for the M. You both have to get to the core of the problem(s) for the A, or the M will continue to suffer damage and eventually breakdown, possibly continuing the A or other A's. In order to prove himself, ALL CONTACT MUST END with OW and NEVER contact her again. He should be taking "extraordinary measures" to asure you that contact is ended and the A is over. I would highly suggest reading Surving An Affair and review the "radical honesty" policy either in the book or on this web site.

I don't blame you for being angry as it sounds as though the lies have not stopped. How can there be progress with nothing but deception??? There can't...

MITT

I find your title line interesting. “OW won’t stop calling” when in fact your real problem is that your husband will not end the contact. This is up to him, not her. He is the one who owes you respect.

Your husband is a cakeman form all you have said. He is playing both of you to keep you both around. Cakemen do not make decisions until they are forced to. Many times they do it by letting one of the women walk…. Who ever leaves first looses him.

Your case is one where it would be easy to just tell you to ask him to leave and give him a Plan B letter. But Plan B is only affective if you have done a good plan A first. Have you? Are you comfortable that you’ve done it well enough and long enough? You many benefit quite a bit from a session or two with Dr. Harley. He seems to have a gift at working through these things.

I don’t have his gift that’s for sure. I’m more inclined to say to just let him go. Tell him, probably via a Plan B letter, to move out until he’s made up his mind. Tell him the terms under which you’d be willing to continue a marriage with him. And send a copy of the letter to the OW so that she understands what is up too. My bet is that Plan B is rather affective on Cakemen as they think they can have it all. They really do not want OW in the long run. They just think they can get away with it all.

Perez,

You have just pretty much summed up my life between Feb and April of this year. Exact same things said by my H.

Ijust pretty much blew her off.

I'm so tired of the fighting why can't you get over it.

We are just friends I promise.

I'll never talk to her again.

It will all be ok.

Do they have some secret handbook they go buy geez.

As far as what to do take the advice of others that replied. It depends on you to take control of this. Hang in there.....Believe it or not we are in reconciliation now. Hard road but the other road would be hard to.

Good luck to you
Rabbitt

Your H needs to prove that he deserves his family back. Right now every contact with the OW sets him back to square zero.

Put the 'onis' (ownership/responsbility) on him. If he wants he family tell him he needs to convince his family that he does want them. The more time he has with his family the less he will be with the OW and their LBing will begin. If he is also a conflict avoider he may choose to give you the pain and the OW the attention. The OW may be grouchier than you are and he may find it harder to deal with the OW than with you. He knows you will be ok. He is not sure of the Ow.

So use some OW tactics. Make him wonder where you and the children will be. Don't give him all the answers. Let him figure some of it out himself by you keeping busy.

When my H did that to me, I kicked him out. Eventually I got strong enough not to allow that kind of disrespect. My H knows that I can go to plan B in a minute and that means he is out the door. But it took me a while to get to that emotional state. When I reached it, things got better for me and worse for the A.

L.