People on here are familar with my story. I was strong, then backslid, then was strong again and now just confused, which leads me to ask a question if a man and women can be friends and how to manage those friendships.

I had no contact with my woman friend while she was on vacation and then she paged me and I returned her call. We talked about 15 minutes but I did not get all gushy as I usually did. I did say that I knew how she felt and that I understood her and she said it was true.

Then I fell back into the habit of leaving messages for her to listen to, encouraging her in life and she listened to them. Yesterday I ran into her after work and we talked in a private office and I gave her a shoulder rub and when she left I kissed her twice. Then I felt like I was back where I was once before.

A huge problem for me is that I really understand women and I like being around them. Not to pick them up or anything, I just like women more than men. How does a man manage that? This thing with my friend took a more drastic course, but I enjoy talking with women at work, going to coffee with them and those kind of things.

Why are you here? What do you want from us?

This is a Marrige-Building site. We have tried to help you with your "friendship", and you won't take our advice.

What is your question?

Men and women have to work together, be with each other and how does someone manage that when he is more comfortable around women than men.

From the Q&A section on the MarriageBuilders' web-site (quote from Dr. Harley):

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5024b_qa.html

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whenever I counsel someone who seems incurably attracted to the opposite sex, I give them the following rules to avoid temptation: 1) Spend all your recreational time either alone or with your spouse, 2) no meals alone with someone of the opposite sex, 3) no rides in cars alone with those of the opposite sex, 4) never tell someone of the opposite sex thay you find them attractive or that you like them and 5) if someone of the opposite sex ever tells you that they find you attractive, start talking about how much you love your spouse. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Tempted:

It can be done but it is up to you to keep your boundaries. I have a male oriented degree and work mostly with males. Yes, I have male friends, we can laugh together, but I can also keep it on a good level. The boundaries that you are crossing is when you allow yourself to have these feelings and then tell your "friend" about them. I really think that you should read books on Boundaries and Codependence (there are some good ones from Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend who are coauthors). You are allowing "friends" into places in your mind that only your wife should be. I really think that they may be doing/saying things that make you feel good about yourself. You need to identify these needs and express them to your wife.

I hope you take all of our advice, you keep asking, please listen and take action, before we are replying to your wife's topics on her husband having affairs. By the way, you are still involved in an affair, whether you call it or not.
To end an affair you need to have no contact, I believe you were still in withdrawal and one little piece of contact set you back.

You need to know how to draw boundaries within yourself.

Please, don't take this as being mean. I am just stating like it is. Most of us BS's have a WS that got involved in an affair as a result of "friendship", we just don't what you and your family to have to go down that path and through the pain.

Now, go save your marriage, and cut off contact with this woman immediately

tempted:

Faith and going_crazy have both given you excellent advice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Men and women have to work together, be with each other and how does someone manage that when he is more comfortable around women than men.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have several attractive women who work with (or for) me. And I'm equally at ease with men and women. But you simply don't do the things you are doing---encouraging her in life, giving her rubdowns, and kissing her are all completely inappropriate.

The bottom line is that you went into a private office. Imagine yourself as ALWAYS in a public place, where your wife, your mother and father, your children, your boss, and God are all present. And then behave accordingly. Remember that all those people are also listening in on the other end of the phone too!

My recommendation for you would be to leave this job and move.

That is excellent advice, K. I am sure tempted's wife would not approve of this "friendship".

Tempted: If you realize you have a problem in this area, please seek help from a professional. It takes alot of strength to admit something like that. Not only could this help you save your marriage but from job related activities. what I mean there, is that if you cannot control your self with female coworkers you can easily get fired for sexual harassement, you don't want to go down that path do you??

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
What part of NO CONTACT did you not understand!

Aw, c'mon, Tempted. Friendship does not entail kissing & inappropriate, private stroking & touching.

Go back and read your first thread all the way through. The advise you were given then, isn't going to change.

You aren't being a friend to this woman, you are seducing her.

Let's see Tempted......

The two of you went into a private office ( I can imagine the purpose was for privacy and no one else was in there)...

You gave her a shoulder rub ( You found a way to try and legitimize your hands being on her body)...

With Me So Far?

You kissed her twice ( Now you have progressed to your lips touching)...

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!

You are NO longer in an Emotional Affair (EA). You have just graduated into Physical Affair (PA).

Now.....ask again what is wrong with a man having a "special" friendship with a woman.

Gawd....some people just never get it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I'm beginning to believe that you are really just posting to make us BS's angry. And super frustrated. Your behavior is deplorable and your wife deserves so much more. So this woman kisses you in a private office but she's just 'your friend.' Yeah, right.

GROW UP

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by tempted:
<strong>Men and women have to work together, be with each other and how does someone manage that when he is more comfortable around women than men.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry, but I'm not familier with your situation. If you get along better with women than men then don't get married.

My H needs to have women pay attention to him (it's not all sexual) and this has caused us so much marital distress. I'm at the point where I'm going to end the marriage because I'd do much better if H was just a friend - I'd get more respect from him.

I work with men, but I keep it business for the most part or it's quick chit chat. I don't email back and forth with them. It's called setting boundaries!

If you want to be married - be married, otherwise get a divorce!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tempted,

I feel so sorry for your wife. I'm looking forward to the day that you post that you are no longer pretending to be married to her. She deserves better.

$hit howdy, Tempted.

How does it happen that these cases always end up like this? The WS tries and tries to understand that what they're doing is wrong, seems to "get it" for a while, after like a gazillion posts to their threads, then "backslides" into their old behavior again?

The positive difference here is that Tempted came back and posted his experiences. Most probably just go back to having an A and justifying themselves while doing it.

...but that's not much of a positive, is it Tempted?

End the lies.

Yup, already gave advice and it hasn't changed. You want answers...go back and READ.

Personally, at this point, I think you're jerking our chain. Pretty pathetic really. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Tempted.....
You need to help yourself, take a good hard look in the mirror because right now you are looking alot like a D#@K HEAD!

Tempted,

Here is what I think this "something-that-may-not-be-a-friend-anymore" does for you.

It is secret, it is something you can do that nobody NOBODY knows about. You see her, sneak to a private place, touch her, kiss her, share intimate conversations with. She doesn't want to attach, which makes things so very easier, because you know you don't want a full blown affair, no, you want to play, feel giggly, and she is easy. She will let you do whatever, and then be gone. She is not clingy, doesn't require attention... she is your emotional dildo. She makes you fuzzy and giggly inside for no real reason, just that you want the high and she does it for you.

For her you are a toy too. Just that she doesn't really care if she looses the compliments, you are an unsolicited toy she can take if she wants to. It is nice to have a man drooling all over for her. It is fun.

That is just my humble opinion.

I can see why the attention is addicting to you.
You have to be pretty low to consistently disrespect your wife in that manor.
How would you feel if you were in her shoes?

You know what tempted? I've been where you are. But now I'm also separated from the man I love, my H. Stop your stupidity now. I know how much fun it is, how good it feels. You're probably telling yourself, hey it's not like we're having sex or anything, and it's not like we're in love, so what is the big deal if I have a little fun.

Well, the big deal is you are betraying your wife, who doesn't know what you are up to. I dare you to tell your wife about every time you see this woman at work and tell her exactly what the two of you do when you're alone together.

Or alternatively, how would you feel if your wife was alone with a male coworker in a private office and kissed him twice????

Here's the test of whether you are just friends or not: Would you behave the same way if you were with a male friend? I THINK NOT. You've failed that test.

Faith1's advice from Dr. Harely is what you need to listen to!!! I also fully agree with MaggieRose's remarks.

WAKE UP BUDDY, AND THINK OF YOUR WIFE THE NEXT TIME YOU ARE ALONE WITH THAT WOMAN!

If you are just toying with us all to see what kind of a reaction you can get, own up to it already too!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Jen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

You've been getting sound advice regarding EA's and how they effect Marriage for a couple months here, but nothing's changed for you.

On this thread you mentioned a preference for female friends and still cannot resist that type of contact. I'd suggest you start a new thread with a title like "possible SA needs advice from men who've been there". I am NOT saying you are a SA. But there are men here that are SA's that may be able to help you understand how destructive your actions are to yourself, your GF, your GF's H and your W. These are very supportive men with great insight into themselves and some of the most confusing issues for men in our culture.

A fresh perspective and other suggested readings may help you see this more clearly. After all you did come to MB. You keep coming to MB. You want help. My suggestion is just to get another perspective that may help.