My husband and I have been married for 3 ½ years. 2 months before we got married, 1 month after we got engaged, my husband (then fiancee) had a one night stand. I reluctantly decided that I could forgive him and 2 months later we got married. We had some major trust issues b/c of his infidelity compounded by the fact that my parents were divorced as a result of my father’s repeated infidelities. At first, my husband was very understanding and accommodated me. He would tell me where he was, where he was going, etc. After a while (about a year) he began to resent my “nosiness” and it started to upset. He stopped telling me things. He began to password protect everything (cell phone, Palm pilot, changed his email address passwords, etc). I started to find out things like the fact that he was still communicating with females, etc. Then he began to view pornography on the internet regularly. All of this compounded my distrust of him. In the second year of our marriage, he began “hanging out” with his “friends” until the wee hours of the morning, 2, 3, 4 a.m. Coming home drunk, etc. Recently, he has begun to be very distant and mean to me. He doesn’t care if I cry anymore. He just smirks at me when I cry as if it is amusing. I noticed that he has been coming home with his wedding ring off. This past weekend he claims that he lost it at Six Flags, but I found out from my brother in law that he was at a nightclub the same day that he supposedly lost it. So, I figure that he took it off in the club and misplaced it there. I have found girls phone numbers and I also found text messages in his cell phone asking some girl that he met in the club to “hook up.” He says that he was drunk and had no intention to hook up with her. I have also been hearing from various people that he is cheating on me. I still don’t have any cold hard facts. But, my women’s intuition is going crazy and I have all the circumstantial evidence I need. However, I feel like if I leave based on circumstantial evidence, I will eventually go back or wonder “what if I was wrong” for the rest of my life. My husband fluctuates between wanting to stay together and wanting me to leave. I suffer with depression because of this and it was told to me that he said to one of his friends that he wishes that one of the times that I tried to kill myself I had succeeded. I really love him and don’t know if I can live without him, but if he’s out there cheating on me and doesn’t really want to be with me, I don’t guess I have a choice. Please help! Is it true what they say, once a cheater, always a cheater?

ceejai,

I don't know if I would categorize the "once a cheater" thing, as it is too black and white.

There is obviously something very wrong in the marriage with the password protection, drinking, staying out late, etc.. I would guess your intuition is correct there is an A ongoing or he is trying to get one going. As I'm sure you already know, drinking or being drunk is the "old fallback" when the truth can't be told.

As far as leaving, before you do that I would suggest reading as much of the Harley's materials here on the web site and the book Surviving An Affair (should be avail at your local Borders, etc.) and His Needs Her Needs. See if you are able to get him to discuss and participate in the books and counseling. The Harley's are available via phone coaching which may be an option for you as well.

Next, you should probably make an appointment to see your Dr. about the depression and see if he / she can prescribe some A/D's to get you through. They take a few weeks to get a result and they help clear the thinking so rational decisions can be made.

Keep coming back here to this site and forum. It will help in more ways than you know...

MITT

CJ;
We're sorry that you find yourself in this situation, and this is a good place to get help.

Let me first say that, for the most part, that "intuition" that tells you he's cheating is probably correct. I'd say the majority of the people here first "knew" because of that little voice inside.
And second, the rest of what you describe is very indicative of an affair or affairs. So don't feel bad about thinking this. More than likely he IS having an affair. Of course it would be good to confirm it, but regardless, your marriage apparently has problems and they need to be resolved.

MarriageBuilders has numerous resources and information which will help you. Start by reading Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts here:

DR Harley's Basic Concepts

Another good resource to get you started is the Q&A section of the web site, where you'll find articles and guidance on many different topics:

MB Q & A Columns

as well as the articles section: in particular, the ones on Infidelity.

MB Articles

In these forums, you will find many people who are or have been in your situation, and will help you through this, give you ideas and encoragement.

There are also Notable Posts, which will guide you in many areas:

Notable Posts

and the Reading List, in addition to Dr. Harley's Books:

MB Book List w/Links

Dr. Harley's Books

We know you feel desperate and overwhelmed right now, but have a bit of faith, read the material, and as you begin to understand what is happening to you, and to see that others have been there and have come out ahead, your situation will begin to improve.

Welcome; we're sorry you had to come here, but we're glad you did!

Hire an private investigator. Then you will have more than "circumstancial" evidence. (If that's what you need to make a decision)

ARE YOU HAPPY ?
Even if he were not found to be currently cheating ... are you happy? Are you treated with care and respect? Do you feel loved?

Treat your depression (see a Doctor)... that is something you can do right away to feel better. Make yourself as healthy as you possibly can.

"I don't know if I can live without him" .... WRONG! This gives someone who does not treat you with respect control over your life.

Did you grow up in an abusive home?

How old are you?

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />