Hello Everyone:
As you may know I started Plan B last week Monday. Sent letter and all. H kept emailing me about how he missed me and loved me but did not know how to end it with other woman. Well Sunday he shows up at our house. I had my evening all planned, had beer, movies, was going to give myself pedicure and there he was. And to top it off he was full of FOG talk. I just listened, told him conditions still the same, and that they would never change. Well he spent the night, did not sleep with me. The next morning as I was getting ready to leave for work I asked him if he was going to stay with the kids or if I should call my sister. I also did not neglect to mention all the things that I had done while he was gone for that whole week.lol I just wanted to let him know that his departure in no way was going to stop this train from running. And it did not.

He tried to make himself seem needed but nothing is going to stop me when I have my mind made up. I even came home from work extra late that night.lol Now he is hinting around that I might be seeing someone. Of course I have lost weight, and exercising and look better than I have in years.lol

Anyway, did not say much to each other on Monday but he did not leave. I got up this morning and as soon as I get down the stairs he asks me to come to door of our family room where is sleeping at the moment. He says to me, "It is over with OW. I am sorry for putting you through all of that pain and I am sorry for what it did to our marriage." I kissed him on the forhead and said, "Thank you for that. I appreciate your apology but I am a bit tentative since I have heard that before." He gave me a slight nod of agreement and we left if at that until later in the day.

We are driving home from our closing for our re-fi and I ask him if he was for real this morning. He of course says yes. I asked if she knew it was over and when was he going to send no contact letter. He said, "Do you think that is necessary if she just does not hear anything from me?" Well we all know what I said so let's move on. Anyway, he has not committed to no contact letter. I told him I have no fight left for this thing anymore and tried to explain to him my state of emotion at this point. I told him I would not jump back into "Oh I am so Happy to be married to you" mode again. I needed some concrete proof that this thing was over and I need some lasting evidence of no contact. And that is where we stand. What do you all think? How am I doin gang? Thanks all. wu

You are doing great with your hold onto the terms of getting back together. Only question--what about no contact? Why is he allowed back in your house at all, much less overnight? Do you have a different kind of Plan B? I am in the third week of Plan B and thought I needed to have as little contact with WH as possible. I have an appt. with Steve Harley tomorrow, so I will ask for myself what I should be doing.

Since we are so close in situation, would you read my H's recent email to his mother(!) and tell me if you think I am right in interpreting this as a continuation of the affair (no mention of stopping/ending it) and a total lack of responsibility on his part for things not being perfect in the marriage before the A? I hope you don't mind my butting in on your thread? If so, I can post separately. Thanks.

Hello Mom,

The following is what has transpired in the past several months and is why Anne and I are where we are today. I am sharing this with you because I know Anne has mentioned our problems to you in the past and she told you it was due to the way she was treating me. It's only fair to her, and everyone involved, that the real truth be known. I would appreciate it if you would keep this to yourself (I know and expect you to tell Dad), and not read it aloud to the rest of the family. I am sure I will be speaking with other family members in the future and will tell them when I feel the time is right.

Anne is a wonderful, giving, and caring person. Tierney is blessed to have her as a mother and I considered myself blessed to have her as a wife. I've learned so much from her and feel that she has improved the quality of my life by being part of my life. However, she is an intense person and was raised in an environment much different from mine. I am not saying this is a good or bad thing, just different. She says what's on her mind and patience isn't a real strong point for her. Her family is aggressive when it comes to confrontation, and Anne takes after her father in many ways. Once again, I am not saying this is right or wrong, just something I was not accustomed to prior to getting to know her. To say the least, we handle situations in a very different manner. I was very concerned about the above prior to getting married and that is why I called her the morning of the wedding and told her I was having second thoughts.

For several years Anne spoke to me in what I considered a demeaning tone of voice and I couldn't understand why she would speak to someone she loved and was married to in that manner. I don't think that she was intentionally trying to be demeaning, but rather it was just her nature concerning with how she dealt with things. I always told myself that she wasn't doing it to hurt me, it was just how she vented. On the other hand, I now know that it was taking its affect on me and causing me to withdraw from her. To add to the problem, we were not intimate for most of a three year period. I consider myself an affectionate person (especially with someone I am in love with) and intimacy (both sexually, emotionally, etc., etc.) is very important to me and something I want to share with my wife. Anne and I did not have that and it bothered me that I didn't know why she wasn't interested in sharing that with her husband and best friend. For a long period of time I was under the impression that she felt she made a mistake marrying me, but didn't want to say anything because we were already in the marriage. When I attempted to talk to Anne regarding the above concerns, she would get upset with me and storm off. I now realize I was probably going about it in the wrong manner. Anne had a lot going on with the problems at work, not being able to have a child the natural way, and me complaining about living in Chicago. All of the above mentioned contributed to her attitude and behavior towards me. The difference is that I wanted to get closer to her during those tough times and she was pulling away from me. I didn't handle it well and really felt that she was not attracted to me and didn't want anything to do with me in that regard. And if such was the case, why did she marry me? I started to not like myself, because I couldn't understand why Anne was treating me like this.

I think the biggest problem we had, was that we didn't know how to communicate with each other. What ever the case may be, the next turn of events caused severe problems and I have no one to blame but myself.

I had a group of friends that I would run with a couple of times a week. One of the individuals was a female. Her and I became good friends and I found myself enjoying her company more than I should have. I knew that we were getting too close, but I can't deny the fact that I was getting from her what I was missing from Anne and it felt good. I felt that I had lost my best friend with Anne, and this other gal was filling the void. To make a long story short, I ended up having an affair with this gal. I never set out looking for an affair, and I never thought I was the type of individual that would even consider something like that. I always had a great lack of respect for individuals that I knew who carried on as such. The fact is that I did it and I will stand up and be accountable for my actions. I know it was wrong and the worst thing that I could've done given the situation we were in. My only reasoning regarding the affair, is that I didn't know how to handle what was happening with Anne and I and I felt that she was not in love with me any longer. It got to the point that I couldn't live with it any longer and let Anne know of the situation in a variety of ways without directly telling her until she confronted me.

To her credit, she accepted what I did and was willing to work on things and has been attempting to change things about her that make me unhappy with our relationship. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get past how she treated me for so long and I can't relax around her enough to be myself and let us work on a new beginning. I am very anxious around her and I can't sleep. Before I went to Chicago, I was up for five nights straight. I haven't quite figured this out yet, but I am seeking help regarding the matter and pray that I can gain some peace of mind concerning the situation. Anne moved to California because the above was causing great stress for both of us and I didn't think it was a healthy environment for Tir na nOg. I was making Anne hysterical and that's not fair to her or Tierney. It something I have to work on and only I can fix it. Anne has done all she can regarding the situation. I can't say what is going to happen at this point and time, I think Anne and I are just taking it a day at a time. She feels that she needs to move on with her life to maintain emotional stability for her and Tierney. I understand that and support her regarding that. So there you have it, hopefully this will answer all of your questions concerning the matter. I am sure you won't be so quick to inform me how proud of me you are in the near future. Understandably so...in my own eyes I have become someone that I have always lacked respect for.
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ANYONE have advice for me? Trying to only talk to him about financials and child issues. This is the second Plan B and unlike Wucus, I took him back last time without all the commitments firmly in place. After two months he was contactin her again and lying to me about it.

Hello Anne:

Just and update on my situation. Never again mentioned the no-contact letter but WS came to me with a draft of it and asked me to approve. He then sent it and said he was happy with his decision. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

About your WS. It is difficult to say if he is still in the affair. He does sound like my H identically. Even the way I speak to him. Wow. I don't know his letter did not seem real foggy to me but a straight forward acknowledgment of his needs that were not being met by you. And he seems to accept the horror of the affair. I would say the best thing you could do was to continue with Plan B and wait until he tells you that the affair is over. When he wants to let you know it will be clear and you will not have to guess.

My Plan B was very short, this time, lol, and H surprised me in coming home. I guess one of the needs I was filling for him was financial and a place to stay and he could not get that from OW. But when he came home I stood firm. You gotta go. He decided to instead end affair. That Plan B is a killer.lol We will see how things go. It is like Steve Harley told me, it takes addicts more than one try to quit something. I understand that but I will not be an enabler anymore. Good luck. wu

Hello Everyone:

Just want to say that "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson was on the money. I like the Plan B like approach. Plan B was what really worked for me and scared the crap out of my H.

Now my question, how deep is withdrawal really? And is it really necessary? My H is somewhat, mildly depressed but he has informed me it is not about OW but about his life in general and is trying to work on himself. I did not press although I think it has some to do with OW he would not tell me that.

H is very attracted to me and asked me what my needs were. He is being very communicative and helpful around the house. I know for a fact he has not had contact with OW for about a week. What do you think? Maybe he was just tired and done. It helped that OW lived in another country and they only saw each other once in a year of talking. In his No Contact letter he was very blunt with her. He said, "I am done. I will not try to contact you and please don't try to contact me. We both tried but could not produce and that resulted in me getting kicked out of my home. I am home with me wife and kids now and here is where I will stay. I wish you well. WS."

I believe my change of attitude really scared him. What was I waiting for? I stopped even worrying about him and her and started just going on with life. I did not even want to talk about it and still have the same attitude and know for certain if he ever started or did anything like this again... Well to hell with Plan A, Plan B all the way. lol

My WS suspects me of cheating on him, which I am not and have calmly told him that I would not do that to him because I realize how much that hurts and I chose him and only him and that is who I want. But I keep on living my life and now I work out and go more places and enjoy my time more so he is wondering what is going on. I don't care let him worry about me for a change. I have learned to have a little mystery about myself now. Love it!!!! Ha, Ha, Ha.... Bye all. wu