Well, I think i might be more than ready to move to plan B. Last night WH was taling to a different girl on the "game". He leaves the room for a minute so I snoop and you would not believe their exchanges.
Very sexual, very inappropriate. Major LB on his part.
So I leave the house for a bit, try to calm down, come home very uncalm. I ask if he can turn of computer for a second so we can talk.
I explain that i read what he was typing and asked him what he is getting from that that I am not giving hm.
No response.
Do you think as a married man that behaviour is appropriate?
No response.
It hurts me that you do that, how would you feel if I interacted with another man like that?"
No response.
Why do you do it?
I think it's funny.
(I have read email from this woman to him, her revealing that she is in love with him.)
I don't think she is funny. You did this stuff before with someone else (OW) look where that lead.
I am trying to work on our marriage and be as understanding and supportive of you as possible. Stuff like this really hurts my feelings and makes me feel as though you have no respect for me.
No response.
I apologized for invading his privacy and for maybe not handling this as well as I could.
I asked him if any of my efforts were helping him figure anything out.
No.
I tell him something along the lines of, "I hate being so scared to ask you what you want or need when I believe the answer wont be me."
I cried.
No discussion.
We go to bed ecause we're tired and he starts a pillow fight with me. This morning on the way to work he is Mr chatty. (He is very quiet in morning)
I pick him up today and he is rubbing my neck on the way home and asking how my day was.
You guys, I can't do this anymore. I am tired already of the fence sitting and cake eating and we have only been at this for 3 months.
I know 3 months is probably a patthetic attempt at plan A.
I am tired of apologizing for HIS affair. I am tired of busting my [censored] to change things that he more than comtributed to happening. I am tired of "acknowledging" my part in his affair (he says he did it for attention) when for the last 2 years he has been so wrapped up in his computer that I have virtually existed without him.
What about my needs? I am so sick of everything always being my fault.
HE chose to cheat. Not me.
He can get to work a full 40 hours when he has the carrot of his better life waiting for him when our bills are paid, yet when I wanted to move out of his parents house to have a life of our own he couldn't work more than a day a week.
I might not be a super model. (Not that she is)
I might not e perfect but I have been here for him through so much crap and this is how I am rewarded.
I feel like my love bank is so deep in the negative he wont ever e able to get back in the black so to speak.
Pardon my long, tedious vent. You know, at 34 I was hoping childish games like this were a thing of my past.
I have an appointment with a realtor on friday and he has an appointment with Steve on labor day.
After that I think I am giving up. I feel like if I don't get out I am going to lose myself and my dignity in the process.
I almost feel like I hate him.
What do you all think?
Is it time to give up?
Thanks,
Hugs,
Layli

Layli,

U need some of your own time. You are working a double shift on trying to fix your M. Unless your H participates his fair share, you will be caring that burden around with you and it will wear you out.

Howz about putting the onis on him? Let him show his value to U? If he is not willing to do so, then talk with Steve and consider plan B. See if you can squeeze in meeting with Steve before his.

L.

Orchid,
thanks for your reply but I was a bit confused by it. When you get the chance could you maybe elaborate? I didn't get the onis part.
Thanks abe,
Layli

Onis: put the responsibility on ...... him

Make him show his worth. Let him do the work towards recovery. Provide help when needed but don't do it all.

L.

Orchid,
You know, it is so strange. i see him trying harder to do things for me, be there for me, spend time with me. It just confuses instead of comforts. I feel like a dog chasing my tail. I have tried so hard not to get to the point where I don't care. Steve even told me after our last session that I needed to focus more on myself. I have spent a fortune on all the books everyone talks about here, new clothes, time excercising, trying to be a positive happy person.
I guess maybe I worry that if I focus too much on myself and decide to let him carry his weight in this relationship it might push him closer to her. In another sense, I end up feeling like a big doormat.
I will try to speak with Steve again before WH. Maybe it will help. Right now I just don't care and I feel like a loser because I thought I could stick the plan A out for the long haul.
Thanks,
Layli

Layli,

Nothing to add - what do I know!

Just to say thinking of you, as you have been of me.

Lisa

Layli...of COURSE he's doing more things for you..he LOVES this little thing he has going for himself. No responsibility, no committment...no need to act like an adult at all. He just shows you a little appreciation and he's good to go for a while.

He's not really thinking of you at all...this is ALLLLL about him. I'm not saying he doesn't love you, just that he's lost in himself right now.

THIS IS WHY I think Plan B becomes necessary in situations like this. Because I don't forsee any lights turning on for him until he gets some consequences. Until he actually HAS to get uncomfortable and make some decisions.

DO IT...find yourself a place and get yourself a nice life. I don't mean you have to forget about recovery...just that you don't live in hopes of it every day. Plan B isn't about giving up, it's about giving some reality to those who NEED it!!!

I'm so sorry you're at this point, but I do think you've found a perfect opportunity to push you on. ((((hugs))))

Lisa and Hope,
Thanks so much for the replies. I totally agree. You know Hope, it was actually something that you said in my last thread that "turned the light on" for me so to speak.
The line you said about real men don't get to live in their parents basement and play computer games all day.
It really got me thinking.
Last night, WH found out a friend he had been playing with a lot had committed suicide.
28 years old, they didn't find him for 2 weeks.
The guy was so isolated from the game that is probably why no one found him.
WH is really struggling with this.
I am moving forward. If he sees the light fantastic, if he doesn't, ceasing to be married to him will not negate or devalue me.
(I have to keep telling myself that)
So thanks again for letting me vent. No one else seems to understand like you guys do.
Lisa, keep your chin up but don't let hubby run you down. don't forget that please.
Thinking of you all,
Layli

Hello Layli -- I don't think I have much to add here, but wanted to let you know that you shouldn't beat yourself up for not feeling like you can do a long plan A. Every situation is different and frankly every day is different. I hope your WH sees the light, but he's not dealing with reality in many facets of his life right now.

You sound stronger in your later post and I think you do need to do whatever will help you focus on yourself. I have been separated since January and it's still been possible to do plan A and I feel like the physical and mental space have been really important (especially while the A was still going on). Again, everyone's situation is different, but sometimes the space is key to being to retain any love at all.

Listen to Orchid and hope4future -- their advice always seems very sound to me from two very different perspectives.

Thinking of you.

Layli,

Wow is all I can say to all of the stories on this board. The wages of sin are death according to the Word, how accurate it is! In regards to your H, I'm in the middle of reading "Boundaries" by Dr. Cloud, highly recommended. One thing I know for certain is that we cannot change in any permanent fashion unless we confess to God our weaknesses and sins and allow Him to change us. My wife and I have struggled in our marriage due to my selfishness, lack of love, and lack of concern, over time. She nearly left me for someone at the time who was my best friend, having met all of one time, luckily nothing physical occurred, but even one night together still haunts her thoughts (wages of sin again) to this day when we are at odds. Anyways, back to the boundaries, your H will not change until he bears consequences for his actions. Right now it seems there is little consequence and therefore little reason for him to submit unto God his sins and allow God to change him. Right now, I would encourage you to pray for God to change both you and your H. Pray for a change of heart in regard to how you view your H and your negative feelings toward him, and pray for God to change your H that he would come to understand the damage he has done and is continuing to do by neglecting time with you. Have you ever read any of Gary Chapman's love language books? Good reads if your H and you need help in understanding how each of you give and receive love in ways that each of you can understand from each other. Right now it seems your H has more growing to do than you (men usually have to grow more, we tend to be immature in general). I haven't been on this site long enough to read about Plan A/Plan B, but I'm guessing Plan B has something to do with separation of some kind. Unfortunately, sometimes us men only come to the reality of our life when areas of it just disappear, then we take note. If plan B is indeed something along this line, make sure to buy Gary Chapman's book "Hope for the Separated" for both you and your H, and follow through with your plan B and give yourself some distance and give your H time to wake up and smell the roses. Luckily, for myself and my marriage, it hasn't yet come to plan B. We've made some steps to prioritize our relationship, get out with just the two of us at least once every two weeks, and take better care of ourselves as a gift to each other. Thoughts and prayers...

Craig and unsure,
thanks so much for your posts. I have to admit I was really beating myself up when I started the post. You know how the good days and bad days go.
Orchid and Hope and everyone has such great advice. Boy do I listen.
BTW Craig, as a born again christian, I pray a lot. I have comfort in knowing that the larger burdens we can't bear God helps us with. It is hard because my husband is agnostic. But I believe in the power of prayer for both of us.
Thanks again, you guys are great and I will continue to watch your posts.
Hugs,
Layli

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by layli:
<strong>Craig and unsure,
thanks so much for your posts. I have to admit I was really beating myself up when I started the post. You know how the good days and bad days go.
Orchid and Hope and everyone has such great advice. Boy do I listen.
BTW Craig, as a born again christian, I pray a lot. I have comfort in knowing that the larger burdens we can't bear God helps us with. It is hard because my husband is agnostic. But I believe in the power of prayer for both of us.
Thanks again, you guys are great and I will continue to watch your posts.
Hugs,
Layli</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Layli,

Praise God that His people are here in great numbers it seems! Being a born-again Christian myself I also recognize the power of prayer, I pray every morning for 10-15 minutes and pray throughout the day as needs arise. You are probably already aware of Paul's teaching about being unequally yoked and yet he also teaches that we are not to divorce solely upon this point, as we are to stay in marriage that we would be a Godly influence upon our spouses. Two reasons for divorce, adultery and abandonment, and those alone, are reasons to do what God hates, all other reasons are of the flesh and of this world. Easy to say this, far from easy to live this no?

I hear you on the good days and the bad days, in fact talk to anyone who's been married a long period of time and it turns into good years and bad years. God's time is not our time.

I'm guessing you were born again after you were married? My wife and I were both married outside of God and we were privileged enough to be saved within a few months of each other, what a blessing it was to be baptized together! Is your husband open at all to biblically based books on marriage? Point him to this site if you haven't already and get him to read Dr. Harley's material in it's entirety and start from there. Being in the computer industry myself I can tell you it's not a great place to be for spirituality. Most folks are way too centered upon man and not upon God. We will all be praying for you sister!

<small>[ August 22, 2002, 11:48 AM: Message edited by: Craig Baldwin ]</small>

Craig,
Actually i was a bac long before I met my husband. I met him after my first fiance, a babtist minister, had an affair on me. How ironic. I am just taking baby steps, doing what I need to do and hopefully hanging in there. Still feels as though my lovebank is empty. Guess I will just have to wait and see.
Hugs to you all,
Layli

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by layli:
<strong>Craig,
Actually i was a bac long before I met my husband. I met him after my first fiance, a babtist minister, had an affair on me. How ironic. I am just taking baby steps, doing what I need to do and hopefully hanging in there. Still feels as though my lovebank is empty. Guess I will just have to wait and see.
Hugs to you all,
Layli</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is your primary love language? How is it that your love bank is built up? Gary Chapman reveals the love language concept if you haven't already read about it. The books aren't really Christian centered until the last couple of chapters so maybe your H would be open to reading Chapman's book? My receiving love languages are Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch, giving are Physical Touch and Acts of Service. My wife's receiving languages are Quality Time and Words of Affirmation, her giving languages are Acts of Service and gift giving. It really does help to understand these traits about how we communicate and receive love to help fill up those love banks, in fact, it's critical to not only marital success, but also child rearing.

Wow, every time I hear about any kind of church leader having affairs and whatnot and I look to Scripture, I know that person is no longer qualified to be in the position they are in. What a shame that even those in the Baptist faith do not adhere to the Word of God on such matters. You were certainly on a roller coaster ride and this must have been discouraging faithwise to say the least. Thanks be to God your faith stands intact after such events. Be encouraged sister:

It will be worth it all, when we see Jesus.
Life's trials will seem so small, when we see Christ.
One glimpse of His dear face, all sorrow will erase.
So bravely run the race, till we see Christ.

Oft times the day seems long, our trials hard to bear.
We're tempted to complain, to murmur and despair.
But Christ will soon appear, to catch His bride away.
All tears forever over, in God's eternal day.

Sometimes the sky looks dark, with not a ray of light.
We're tossed and driven on, no human help in sight.
But there is one in heaven, Who knows our deepest care.
Let Jesus solve your problem, just go to Him in prayer.

Life's day will soon be o'er, all storms forever past.
We'll cross the great divide, to glory safe at last.
We'll share the joys of heaven, a harp, a home, a crown.
The tempter will be banished, we'll lay our burden down.