AV,
Here is a sample of what happens in a session with Steve. Understand that your first session will consist on setting ground rules and him hearing things out. We were given homework, which I did but the WS did not. Yet Steve's conversation with my H did make an impact. WS had unwarranted anger towards Steve. Steve knew how to difuse it. The quote below comes from Spacecase's thread. His W is the WS. She is having/had an A with a prisoner.
This is not their first session but worth reading. Let us know what you think.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Spacecase:
<strong>Steve just called me.
He just had a few minutes, but wanted to get me up to date on what's going on.
My W told him she had NOT spoken to me as she'd promised him she'd do. Why? No real reason, the ususl run-around, not ready, too soon, not sure....
So he hit her hard. Treated her like a "hostile witness" (his words). Told her in no uncertain terms, that unless she acts, "this is not going to work". That she cannot wait for the "feeling" to come before she acts, it will be too late. That just like when you exercise, you have to exercise to receive the benefits; energy, weight loss, stength. Likewise with this process of falling in love again. You must take the ateps FIRST, the feelings will come from taking the steps, doing the work. If she waits for the feelings, it will be too late.
So I asked him; "Is this real? I mean is she going to do this because she is starting to get it, or because you are pressuring her, or because she's afraid of losing me, or what?" and he answered; "Oh, it's real. See, I'm the only one asking her, demanding that she answer the tough questions. Forcing her to take a look at herself in ways she hasn't dared to before." so I insisted "Steve, but is it real? do you feel that she is getting it or is she promising to do this because she's scared, because I left, because of fear? Is it real in the sense that she really wants this, or is it another stall tactic, is it just to buy more time?" I mean I don't want a false recovery, a temporary salve to the wound. I would rather go to Plan B, wait, whatever, but I don't want a fake recovery to bring me home only to have to reach the stage I had to reach before so I can leave again! That would be devastating!
So he went on; "SC, we have a window of opportunity here. She has lost contact with the OM, that has hurt, that has made her evaluate, look at her life, question some long-held beliefs, 'truths'. This is our opportunity to get her to open up, to start working on your love...even if later on she again has the opportunity to visit the OM, by then it'll be too late for that. She'll be in love with you again. This is all still to a great extent related to her privacy/individuality thing, but she is starting to see the damage that has done to her life, to your marriage. I have made her look at herself in ways she has not looked before, to face the harsh reality. Granted we're not fully there yet, but it has started. It IS real."
Then he asked me; "SC, your Plan B letter is ready, right?" "Right" I said. "OK, so here's what we're going to do. She has promised to do this by Thursday night. That's the deadline I gave her. Can you make it till Friday?" and I said yes. "OK, so make an appointment to speak with me on Friday. If she goes through with it, we'll see what she said, and go from there. If she doesn't go through with it, if she backs out again, then we press on with a full Plan B. She knows this is one of her last chances. I told her that. And she's seeing it now."
So there we are. She is starting to see the light? Maybe. But at least I know she is not going with what her Psychologist has been saying, she's following what Steve is asking. She knows she's not been honest with her IC, and she knows Steve knows the truth. She may be reaching the point where she knows she can no longer run from herself. I hope so.
What has caused this? Who knows? the loss of contact with the OM, Steve's hard questions, my leaving, time, my apparent "ready to move on" act, remorse, who knows? And really, who cares? the point is it looks like something is working. Perhaps one day we'll know what it was that caused it, perhaps not.
I do know that my father called her last night. I don't what he said, but I know he loves her and cares for her very much. And if anything, he's even kinder and more understanding than I am. To the point that even if we divorced, he'd probably still help her. As he has continued to fully support my mother even though he's remarried and they divorced in 1979. Maybe he said something key...?
I have my doubts. Somehow I still believe that full Plan B has it's "educational" purposes and value, that perhaps Plan B is a good thing in terms of a lifelong lesson worth learning. But will I want to do it even if we don't need it? probably not.
So the waiting game continues, this time with a hard deadline...last chance...your thoughts?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The link to that thread is:
Spacecase's threadThere are no guarantees in any meeting just have to decide how to utilize the tools you have the best way you can. Maybe your medical ins may pay for part of Steve's sessions. Ask your local MCs if they are familar with MB info.
L.
<small>[ August 21, 2002, 01:13 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>
