I was on my way into my first night of the Divorce support group this evening when my WW called crying uncontrolably because she was just served with D proceeding.

She said that I am taking away "her boys" and "her house". I never got a sense that the divorce itself bothered her at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I turned off the phone for the next two hours while I was in the group meeting. Afterward when I turned it back on she left a msg telling me not to ignore her and to call her back. Called back and talked for about 30 min. She was crying uncontrolably almost all the way through. "How could I make this nasty?" was the general theme. The way the papers read is that I am seeking primary custody of our children and if not then in leiu (?) of that then, rotating custody. This is the way the lawyer says it needs to be written up. What we are actually going after is rotating custody. As you are all probably aware the way these things work is you ask for everything to get what you really want. WW in her hysterics is not hearing this. I told her that I am not taking the boys away from her. I did not embelish so that I wouldn't hurt my case any. Same thing goes with the house.

There is a friend of the family over at the house with her so she isn't alone during this. Says, "don't you know that the boys have never seen me this upset?" Yes, I'm sure they haven't, you need to put them out of the room while you are like this. With all of the pain that I have been through, I have never expressed it in front of them and have never talked about what I am going through in front of them.

She wanted us to do this nicely. Get together and draw this up together without getting lawyers involved. Welcome to the real world. This isn't half the hell you've put me through.

I did tell her that I don't know who she is anymore and that she has lied to me about so many different things that I don't know when to believe her anymore.

No, I'm not doing this for revenge. Those of you who have followed my previous posts know that I have made this move to stop her from leaving the state with our boys. She has made comments to this effect and I have read emails that hint to this.

I hope my own concious will let me sleep tonight. I know I've done the right thing. But I will hear that crying voice in my head for a long time.

Thanks and God Bless

Sleep well friend...you did the right thing.
Hugs,
layli

Hi Biscayne,

I don't see revenge, I see a concerned parent and spouse. I also see a lot of fog on the other side of town.

She is starting to see her losses but it is far from over. For now bringing out is necessary. Otherwise you could be accused of enabling the A. You are showing that you are not.

Get some rest. U deserve it.

L.

Hi- I am sorry that it came to this for you, but I think you SHOULD tell her that you are through with the lying, you don't trust her, and you have been through hell too as you wrote because of her affiar. I don't think you need to say this in a nasty way, but jeez she needs to wake up and realize this isn't all about her and she is not the only one feeling pain. Have you said anything like this to her?

You did good, Biscayne, you have protected your boys and your interests from someone who does not have your best interest at heart. What is the deal with the house? Are you going back home?

Hi Bis,

I'm curious as to how you are feeling...Do you feel relieved that you now have some control as to your boys. Any feeling of sadness and regret?

I wish the best for you.

Take care.

I hope it all goes well for you Bis. You've been down a long road. You made the right decision.

How are you doing today? Has there been anything new?

MITT

Drove by our house today to see if yard had been cut (mower is broken and haven't gotten in parts yet, I hired someone to go by and do this), there was a locksmith's van in the driveway. I called WW shortly afterward and asked if she was locking me out of my own house. WW said she was changing the locks because she couldn't trust me. (Ususally those who can be trusted the least are the most untrusting)

I called my lawyer and explained the situation and told her that WW told me the evening before that she would make things nasty for me now. Lawyer said not to try to move in if it would cause a scene in front of our boys. (I went to their school and had lunch with them today to make sure they were doing ok). I've been out of the house long enough that if she wants to fight me, I wouldn't win primary custody (a real long shot anyway) and court would never award rotating custody, which is what I really want, and WW stated she wanted at the beginning. WW asked to talk with me face to face, I asked lawyer what it was ok to discuss with WW and she said she had no problem with me discussing settlement.

I went by a few hours later, of course WW is on the defensive, asked me on the phone if she should be ready for any other suprises, I said no. (She left a msg on my cel earlier that she had to run some errands and that I was probably out doing something else to hurt her, which she probably deserved. Her words) We talked for a while, things got a little heated, you did this, yeah well you did that, never any yelling. I told her that if she would agree to rotating custody I would be fine with that. She wanted to know about the house. (Our financial situation is such that there is no equity in the house) I told her she could have the house, that after what she had done to hurt me in that house, that I could never live there again.

She still insists that I had an involvement with this woman that I was friends with about 4-5 yrs ago. I have apologized an untold number of times for this to her and she still throws it in my face. I have told her just as many times that we were never involved. (God as my witness, if it hurt WW then it was wrong, but I never had any involvement other than befriending some one that was going through a rough time. I never had ANY physical contact with her and never spoke with her outside her workplace at the time.)

I told her that I was tired of her making me out to be a monster every time I did something wrong. I told her that she has done with several people in her life, including her father. She told me again that she is not seeing OM. I looked at her with a look of disbelief and shook my head. Told her I didn't believe her.

She told me that she knows that I could never forgive her for what has happened. I actually still told her that I felt like an idiot for even saying it but that I actually believed that given the right guidance that we could work it out. I proceeded to tell her that if she chose to turn her back on us for good, that the person that I am working on, and have on some levels already become would have been the best thing that would have ever happened to her.

Sorry, going over what seems like every line. She called about 9pm this eve and woke me up to ask me if we could work this out with the same lawyer. She hasn't asked for any child support since we agreed on rotating custody. I told her I thought so. She then (while crying) told me that she was sorry for hurting me. Hung up shortly afterward. I was so tempted to ask her if there wasn't some other way around this. I didn't. I guess I should go ahead and put an end to this while she is agreeing to these terms. I just feel like it wouldn't last. She doesn't have a job yet and can't afford to keep up the house by her self. I'd eventually be brought back through this so that she could get some kind of money to help her make it.

Feel like I want to write her a letter telling her she needs to get herself some counseling to get over some of these issues of her own. The making herself out to be a victim and those who wrong her a monster is something that she has done for her whole life. She has letters that her mother gave back to her that she wrote to her mother when she was a little girl (7,8,9) that say things like, "Why won't you come and sit with me, don't you love me" and ""Why don't you love me, you won't come and spend some time with me". Her mother has always just laughed these off as WW being overdramatic. (I'd like to punch her mom in the face for taking such a crass attitued about what I feel like is a cry for help from a child.)And that if she is ever going to move on from this that she needs to break it off with the OM. (She did say that they did care for each other, but there was nothing OM could do about it.)

Glad I did what I did, but still hurting.

Sorry so long. Thanks and God Bless.

Biscayne--

Hang tight and continue to act in love... love w/ boundaries...

Cali

Thanks Cali,

WW sent me a long "sorry" email last night. I thought about it overnight and responded back today. Disecting each section and responding back with my true feelings to each point that she makes in her letter. Some tough love. Some parts I was probably a little too calous, but I still left room for reconciliation.

I think I may be in need of a psych exam for still thinking there is a chance.

I told her that her feelings of sorrow right now are more than likely coming more from feelings of guilt. I wouldn't let myself be swayed by her tears until she was ready to be sincere with me and completely give up OM and that when or if she felt like working on us that I have some guidance to get us through and past a lot of our issues. But in the mean time I am moving on because I am confident that there is someone else out there that will love me for the person that I am and am becoming. If she didn't want to be that person, that is certainly her choice.

Thanks for hanging in there with me folks. God Bless