I have the best wife that any man could ever want. Unfortunetly I'm afraid that I'm about to lose her and I can't bear that thought. In addition we have to young boys ages 6 and 10 I don't want to grow up in a broken home.

The problem is this. While I was growing up my father cheated on my mother. She kicked him out and then proceeded to berate him for what he had done, to my brother and I most for of our lives. I always swore that I would never be like him in that respect. Well two failed marriages later and a third one about to go I am even worse. I don't like living this way. My past actions indicate that whenever there is conflict within the marriage instead of dealing with it effectively I run to someone else for comfort and fulfillment. This last time was just three days ago and was caused because I had come home and found another man in the house. They had not had a sexual affair, but she told me she had feelings for him because she no longer loved me due two affairs I had had five years ago. I was devestated as I had worked really hard these past five years to make it up to her and had had no other affairs.

So what did I do...you guessed it. I don't know why... if it was revenge or just slipping back into old ways. Either way it was wrong and now has totaly destoryed any chance we had.

Please someone point me in the right direction. We are still living together for the kids sake, but it is strictly as roommates. She says she no longer wants to work on the marriage, but to go our separte ways where romance is involved. I know this will never, ever work. I love her dearly and don't want our children to suffer the same fate as their father. What can I do to help this to work out? I am desperate to win her heart back. Before all this happened we were so very happy and I screwed it up wiht the first affairs and then killed it this time! Please somebody help. We live in a very small town with counsling service being limited. She has made it clear in the past that counsling is not the answer, at least for her.

Thanks for any help you can give.

Hi and welcome to MB,

Your story is a familar one but the pain is always unique to each of us. To help you, please read the concepts section located at the top of the page. Then try to get with a good MC or even do phone counseling with Steve or Jennifer. Look on the counsel section if you choose to make an appointment. Also the books like surviving an affair or his needs/her needs is worth reading.

This place here is to share your thoughts, ask questions, make comments and vent. We are not professionals, just living through our individual war in a hostile A environment.

Learn what plan A vs plan B can do for U. Realize that right now you can not control or fix your W. You can use your energy for what you can better or fix (yourself and your family).

In time, you will find your boundaries and learn how to implement them. Your W will need to do her own learning but in the fog, this is often a distored function so don't expect much from her right now. Right now you need to protect yourself from her hurtful actions and words. Learn how to focus properly and become adept in learning how to turn hurtful babble into a useful tool. Easy to say but hard to do yet it can be done.

I read here for 10 hours straight, made copies of all that I found, put it in a binder with dividers for chapters then gave it to the WS. He was too much in the fog to appreciate what I had done but for me the excercise was good.

May your time here help.

L.

Dear L.

Thanks for your heartfelt reply and words of wisdon. Right now we both need all we can get. I am reading as much as possible at every site I can find to understand my problem and her feelings. I'll keep in touch as I visit these boards almost every day.

Thanks again.

DWB

Good to hear from you. I visit here also, practically everyday for over 1 1/2 years. Kinda addicting in a good way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hope you are able to get support and help.

take care,
L.