For those of you that have read my story and see my sig line, my W's problem has been with phone contact at work with OM. Last known contact was 7-26-02. Today is 8-21-02. W says absolutely no contact has occurred since 7-26-02. Since she has lied before about this and she knows she is on her LAST leg with this, I NEED some sort of verification. The OM was INTENT on taking her away from me and feel he has been used by her (welcome to club) for a year now. W supposedly dumped him.

I have this NEED to know that the OM is really done with W or is he still in contact. I would have him VERIFY contact by telling me what is going on with US/her lately. If he IS done with her, then I would feel much better about moving forward...but...if she has had contact again..then the last of my already very low love deposits will be gone. OM and I have talked before, when he and W was "breaking off R"...he was steamed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Gut feeling is not good...........hope it is wrong
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

please dont call him, he is a liar too- deal w your m without om. gd luck, honey

Doogie,

I know this is hard, but think about it.... Your wife lied to you during the A... what makes you think that the OM will tell you the truth if you call him???

I wouldn't call the OM... you have no way of knowing if he's telling you the truth... what if he tells you that he's been in contact with your wife again (but they really haven't...) are you willing to end your marriage on the lies of an OM? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

At some point, you have to start trusting your wife again... until SHE proves that she's untrustworthy... don't let the OM be the one that "proves" your wife's trust.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Honey, Faith-

TY for your input. The way I would VERIFY contact is to ask the OM to tell me what he and my W would be talking about. My W has some health issues that she has and would share with him if they were talking. Things like Dr appts, changes at work, etc. These things he would know about ONLY if contact was ongoing. There are some specific things that have happened since last contact that he should NOT know about.

I know this is sneaky...but I warned W before about calling OM. Last time, I called AND PAID a third party for info which she admitted to. That was D-day #6. Iwill cool it for now and hope gut feeling subsides.

Thanks again...

I am in the same situation, my WH works with the
OW. She took off work for 2 weeks after he broke it off, but now she is back to work. I thought about calling her, but that would only give her an excuse to talk to my husband and get support. Leave it alone and put it in God's hands he will reveal to you what you need to know. Have faith and remember to put God first and trust him to protect you.

doogie:

been there done that. the om will never tell you the truth. om told me no contact was occurring, well i setup a recorder and found out different. you can purchase computer monitoring software to record her every move on a computer and report back to you via email. you can also setup a recorder on your phone line that records numbers coming in and out, all numbers even local. neither party will ever admit anything unless confronted with proof. at least that was the case with my FWW. unless i had proof she denied everything.

good luck,

hopenden

hopenden-

In my case, the OM will be more than happy to admit contact. He already has in the past and he WANTS to break us up. BUT he would have to PROVE contact with facts. OM and W never talked anywhere else but work so can't tap that phone.

I am with Honey. Don't contact OM. You will never know the truth from either of them. They both could just lie for whatever reason.

You need to deal with your W and your M. Besides what difference will it make except push you or her into a decission you are not ready for. You cannot control either of their behavior. Believe me, it took me a long time to learn this. I am so much happier since I focus on our R and not the A. The A is a symptom of a marriage that was neglected by both parties. I know what I say is hard but choose to end or stay for yourself not the A. Some of the thing I find offensive about my WH have nothing to do with the A but have built years of resentment that led to my neglect. This has been a breath of fresh air which has reaped positive results. WH is the miserable now, not me. I have learned what my future will be, how to recreate myself and be happy with or without him. WH is feeling left out and sees where the A will lead him. His consequences are not as rosie as he thought.

And another thing. You don't want her back unless she is commited to you. If you force the issue, you will never know for sure. She needs to trust you like you need to trust her. Little steps. She is as afraid of her future as you are. Everything will be clear in time. I know this is long winded but I vowed to share what I have learned on this very painful and hurtful journey. It does not make what she did right but in her mind it will always seemed justified so that she can live with her guilt.

Doogie,

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

If W is sticking to NC, calling him will just give them an excuse to talk again. "Your H called me today.... are you two still having problems even though I'm out of the picture?"

YUCK! DON'T DO IT!

Danni

Just an idea...

Wouldn't it be good if a NC contract INCLUDED the BS not contacting the OP? Not only would the WS not contact the other person, but the BS would not either. You want that OP out of your lives. Don't YOU invite him back into it. A phone call or conversation would do just that. It would open that door.

JMHO

<small>[ August 21, 2002, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

I decided NOT to call OM. Maybe MY problem is that I have very little trust left. I will talk to W about my feelings and temptation to call OM. After soooo many lies and so much hurt, I sometimes lean toward the big D so at least I have control over ending the pain. When the shoe was on the other foot, she RAN to OM to drown her sorrow. I will NOT run to my OW to drown mine.

At least when I told my OW it was over, she left me alone. The OM did not for a year <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> !! BUT as we all know, it takes 2 to tango...

I'm tired of dancing....... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Doogie,

would you be willing to offline me at dflory@ci.bedford.tx.us. Your story sounds exactly like mine, I would like to share.........

Doogie,

would you be willing to offline me at dflory@ci.bedford.tx.us. Your story sounds exactly like mine, I would like to share.........

I useally post in the recovery section but thought i would check this thread out.

I used to call the OW all the time and got nothing but lies. She would make things up or she would lie and say there was no contact because she knew if i found out about the contact that my H would stop contacting her for a while. She would also use it as an excuse to call my H and tell him that i called her and this would lead to them talking and such so my advise is with most of the other, do not call him.

You have no controll over who she calles when she leaves the house and i know its hard but for now you just have to take her word for it. If she is contacting him and they are seeing each other she will slip up eventually and it will be revieled to you. Untill then you just have to take her word for it.

copswife/spirit broken-

I know this is a tough question but...If God will reveal to me what she is REALLY like...have I been ignoring His 6 messages so far? I'm not mocking Him...but how many times is HE going to tell me before I listen??

His answers do not always come in the time/form we want. Be patient. Besides, the D will not end the pain, just end any chance of reconcilation. Before I found this site, I was getting a D then trying to recover back and forth about 100x a second. My head was spinning. I decided that I can not control his behavior and I am not responsible for his decisions. I gave him to God to handle. It sound strange, but not feeling like I had to fix him, I feel SO much relief. I am not longer totally stressed out and consumed by worry. It is not MY problem - I gave it to God.

I still struggle to trust him, but I focus on ME and my behavior. I can change more by setting a good example then by asking questions and checking up on him.

copswife-

I don't know your entire story...but (forgive me) God has shown me the following things about my W:

1. 6 D-days.....
2. D-Day #5 was W leaving OM apartment..God placed me there at the EXACT time she left.
She did not visit him for 6 months prior to that.
3. I started recorded phone calls at my home. Just when I started thinking about stopping the
recordings, d-day #6 occurred and I recorded a conversation W had with her mother stating
"how much she needed to see OM" and "how she wanted to go to church with OM" and
"how she couldn't find happiness with me no matter how much she tried".
4. Lately she talked (to her mother on phone) about a family picture we have. W said I looked
"evil" in that picture and she didn't like it.

You see....it appears to me that God is showing me things my W is trying to hide. Am I not getting it???

How much more hurt will God allow her to give me??

OK, let me say that I am all for making your marriage work, but it is up to you to when you have had enough. I still have great hope with WH,
even though this is not the first time he has left. He seems to be committed to faith in God and to me and our children upon return this time. I am no fool, I will not just take his work for it, I am watching for actions. I will look to God for support so that if WH does leave again, I will not fall apart. If you WW is causing you pain, which she obviously is, I would move to plan B. I do not think I could live in the same house as someone that said I looked "evil". Let her know that you love her, you want your marriage to work, but you will not be walked on. Be strong and set boundries, but don't be treated like dirt.

I think that it is very important that YOU know you did all you could do and made every effort to make your marriage work. If you need to divorce, at least you will not have any doubts that you did all you could do to make it work.

Pray - Pray - Pray. God is there for you, and this pain will smooth your edges to make you a better person. Think about the sand in the oyster, the sand irritates the oyster causing a think crust, which becomes a beautiful pearl in time.

Thanks to all for your input. I like the idea of a contract of no contact by both WS and BS and will suggest that at next JC session on Monday. W and I are taking a vacation away together for 4-5 days next week. Will go out of town for a change of scenery...BUT a flashback is bugging me.

Last year we went on a long weekend vacation (3-days) to try to rekindle and re-start. I told her my intent up front and she agreed to try it. She said we had a "wonderful time and enjoyed the HOT TUB" time we had. So did I! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> When we returned Monday afternoon she said she had to go to the local mall to pick up some clothes. She then called OM and talked to him on cell phone for 24 minutes. Then on Tuesday when I got home from work she told me she had filed for D and moved to her mother's for a month <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> We haven't gone on vacation since.

With my love deposits very low, I will try this vacation thing again (different place) to see how it goes. I will concentrate on us as I have for the past year and see if sparks can happen again. If the fire does not spark, then I need to re-consider going on.

I will add a TRUE story (though unbelievable). There is a man that works in same office as me that has a W AND a OW relationship for the last 20+ years...YEP you read right! BOTH women know about each other and AGREED TO SHARE!!! He spends half his time with each one and takes each to various functions (company and personnel). I see this and look at my year long struggle and get a knot in my gut. We aren't in UTAH either!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />