Had a long (hours) talk with ws about a. Finally got closure on lots of ?'s. OW was a childhood friend(crush) of ws, recently ws admitted to still loving her as a "friend" - until the eye opening events of the last few days. Seems he has realized people grow up and change, some for the better, some for the worse and sometimes you find out all is not what is seems.

Shortly after our reconciliation, after nc letter, we began getting hang-up calls. Changing our # is not an option. Most seem to be directed at me, when alone. Calls are coming from a blocked or cell #, although one was made from what we later found to be ow's work #. She had sent him a birthday e-mail after being told nc. Lately, the calls have been more frequent, and he has picked up on several. She also sent another e-mail (changed hers after we blocked her),chilling, in it she accuses us of calling her, e-mailing, tells us to go ahead and call the police, that she had her (alleged) calls traced to our # and they "told" her calls were from our #(neither of us know her #)-demands that he call her..."or else". After researching several anti-stalking sites, we discovered that 90-95% of "intimate" stalker types accuse the victim. Funny thing is, she initiated the a, started contact/pursuit with ws after looking for our # on the internet.
We have both realized that previous hang-up calls to our last # in another state were made by her. Some of them I wrote down after *69'ing. He realizes that she has been doing this (stalking/pursuing) for several years, after talking to his family found out that she had repeatedly contacted them for information and our address, ph.# throughout the years. Seems that the behaviour started when our relationship began and he told her that he did not want more than friendhip with her and cut off contact.

We/he contacted the police, filed a report, contacted the phone company, keeping records of calls, copies of e-mails and notified her isp. Seems that not much can be done by police to stop it at this point, frustrating. Using call trace *57 does not work on all #'s. We have been considering calling a PI, criminal background is not open public record in this state. He is scared that she may retaliate and try to harm me, or damage our property. She is obviously getting more desperate since the police were called, she got around the e-mail block by changing hers once again - and tried to add us to her IM service.

Anyone, what next? The only "good" that has came of this is that it has forced him to open his eyes and killed any "friend,love,crush" feelings that he had left. Serious lb'ing. The a just reinforced her obessesion to him, the consequences of what he has done has really hit him hard.

Any other options that anyone knows of to end this? suggestions? at a loss here and frankly, sick and tired of the invasion into our recovery.Sorry to ramble.

Bless to all

I have gotten TONS of great advice about this type of FOW. It would take me hours to put it all here. If you have time, please read my thread under Just Found Out... It is titled "Hubby had affair WITH MY SISTER... and NOW she is trying to ruin our lives"

I know what you are going through, and I think that reading some of the responses I have received might help you!

Good luck!!!

-mc needs your help

Did you ask the police what it takes for them to get involved? At what point do you file a complaint.

If she is making these calls multiple times a day, and if the phone company can trace them they should be able to take action. What she is doing is illegal. It is hard to get straight answers on how to stop this sort of activity, but it can be done.

Did you try a (I don't know exactly what it is called) but some sort of harrassement restraining order?

Did you file a complaint with the phone company? What does it take to file a complaint with them?

That this ...person will not give up amazes me. We did file a complaint with the police, which at this point is not encouraging. Fws had to explain his former relationship with this person to show motivation behind the stalking.
We did report this to the phone company, provided them with the police report #, they advised for us to document it by using *57 (trace line), which does NOT work with all numbers, ie: cell #'s, some buisness #'s. In order for them to take action, they only need two successfull *57's.
They will then send that person a letter.

So frustrated, the police said even when the calls are proved to have came from her #, it would be difficult to prove that it was Her that made the calls. Basically what they were telling us was nothing can be done until someone gets hurt, until property is damaged and...even then...they will be able to do litte unless someone witnesses it.

Although this person was a "friend" of fws, he knows very little about her past or character. From what he said she told him, he suspects that she has a history of doing this. He knows that her ex was attempting to get a restraining order, he does not know if it was successfull or the ex's name. Arrest/criminal records are not public info in this state, unlike N.C. you cannot go to the clerk, pay 5.00 to see if the person you are involved with is an arsonist, axe murderer, etc.

It seems like the laws do not work to protect the victim in these kinds of situations, not here anyway.

Maybe we should not have blocked her #'s and e-mail/IM's, maybe we should absolutly nothing to deter it and allow it to escalate faster. She seems to keep coming up with ways around everything we have done to prevent contact so far. Just really frustrated and feeling helpless, don't know what to do now.

Here is a few anti-harassment sites fws pulled up, hopefully they can help some of you, if not us.
http://www.esia.net/index.html
http://www.letswrap.com/legal/harass.htm
http://onour.com/stalking/index.htm
http://www.antistalking.com/victim.htm

Thanks for listening to me ramble and vent.

Bless to all

Hi,I'm new here. Been lurking a while. Have never posted before because until now I had never come across anyone whose story was so similar to mine. I'm fighting the same battle -a Psycho OW who refuses to go away!

To make it brief, married 13 yrs., together 14, one child age 12. Husband 36, I'm 38. In March 2001, he began affair with 18 yr. old girl who was a delivery person and made regular deliveries to his business. She soon moved on to another job shortly after affair began but affair continued for a total of 8 mos. best I can figure - she's had several jobs since - apparently can't keep a job. He says he realized shortly after it began (within 2-3 months) that he had made a terrible mistake. Realized he loved me and was jeopardizing everything that was important to him but it was too late to take back what he had done. After just a few months, he began trying to end it with OW. Every time he tried to break it off, she'd threathen him with "We'll just see about that!" Threatened to tell me (which she finally did, that's how I found out). He felt he couldn't tell me himself because I had told him more than once I'd leave if he ever had an affair. This drug on for months, him trying to end it, her threatening. The whole time the affair was going on, from the very beginning, she was calling my house all hours of the day & night and hanging up. If he failed to see or call her she'd call me and hang up repeatedly. She also got my cell phone number from the call log on his phone and would call my cell phone and hang up. I had no idea who was making the hang-up calls. Thought maybe I had someone stalking me or something. Finally he got enough of her threats, called her bluff and ended it once and for all - apparently over the cell phone and there was lots of yelling, etc. He told her he was sick of her threats and he was ending it and going home to tell me himself. She immediately called me before he had a chance to even get home. I arranged to meet her that night and she unloaded the whole thing on me. She and I went back to my house and confonted him. He told her face to face that he loved me, did not love her, that he was so sorry for what he had done to me and hoped that I could find in my heart to forgive him. Told her she knew he'd been trying to end it for months and she just refused to let him go. That was in November, 2001. As hurt as I was and still struggling at times, we decided to try and work things out. He has been so remorseful and so good to me. Trouble is, this b!%ch will not go away. For the first few weeks she'd call and curse us or call and cry and threaten to go to his office and kill herself in front of everyone. I even spent time on the phone more than once trying to convince her not to kill herself, telling her she was young and attractive and had her whole life ahead of her, etc. Finally we warned her to stop calling. Placed a complaint with the sheriff's office and had them go and warn her to stop. Then it went back to the hang up calls, all day and all hours of the night. We changed our cell phone numbers so that stopped but because of our business cannot change our home # or business phone #. We finally subscribed thru the phone company to the *57 feature and traced 38 calls in one week. She was arrested and went to jail. Spent two days in jail before her family bonded her out. Within three weeks she was calling again! She's got some kind of cell phone now that can't be traced. I took pictures of her driving past our house. She saw me taking them and called and asked me if my pictures turned out good? I told her to get the F*%K off my phone. She said,"F*%K you, b@%ch." I called the sheriff again, they picked her up and wrote her a summons. The very next day I passed her on the road about 1/2 mile from my home (she lives about 20 miles away). She turned around and followed me and drove past me in the parking lot at Walmart with her window down. I yelled to her that she was going to land her [censored] in jail. That was months ago and the calls just keep coming. Her court date came up and she didn't show so now there's a bench warrant out for her arrest. Sheriff's office said it's up the bonding company to pick her up. Sheriff's deputy said even with the bench warrant he can't pick her up since it's a misdemeanor. We're just about at our wit's end and don't know where to turn. Husband DISPISES her now. He refuses to answer phone calls unless he looks at caller ID to see if he recognizes the name and number, if not he won't answer. Well, that's my story, sorry so long. If anyone has any comments or suggestions I'd sure appreciate the input.

Short1Smile, where are you? Anyone?

It seems to me that with all the evidence, you should be able to file a restraining order. Especially if there's a record of her ex having done (or trying to do) the same. But if you can't, how about contacting a lawyer to look at all this and see what can be done, or as a last resort, have the attorney write her a letter threatening legal action if this does not cease.

I'm sorry to hear about this. Terrible! Sure wish it were easier to find a solution.

<small>[ August 27, 2002, 09:13 AM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

My apologies, have been working so much (decided to accept job offer) have not had time to check back here as frequently.
Almost There, the ow in our situations are using such similar harassment tactics. The difference is the pd in our area seem unable/unwilling to do much.

Here is an update. After filing the harassment report, we did add the call filter to our phone and reported the harassing e-mails to the ow's isp. The nice little chat with the sheriff dept. seems to have only added fuel beneath ow's [censored]. The pd made her aware that there are witnesses (our neighbors) to her im's and drivebys.

For this entire week it had been eerily silent,no hangups, no e-mails, we could hear the mice running in her wheels thinking of how to resume harassing us. Yesterday, fws received a letter at his buisness from a relative of ow. In it she sent along a copy of fws's nc letter and the final e-mail he sent in response to one of her many ordering ow to cease harassment. She goes on to say that she and ow "cannot" believe that he wrote them, that he is being "mean", trying to incite him to respond.
The nc letters that fws sent were not cruel in anyway, they were brief and to the point, simply requesting that ow respect his request for nc.

We are at a loss on how to proceed, the authorites here will not take further action until it escalates or someone is injured (emotional not included), we are both holding our breath wondering when the next shot will be fired.
For me, dealing with this fallout after the a is almost overwhelming. Finding out about the a was like getting run over by a semi, everytime ow harasses is like getting punched in the face. This constant reminding is hindering our recovery.

I am having anger issues, I did not ask for this person to invade my life. Forgiving, trusting fws will come with time, if only ow will get out and stay out of our lives. It is interfering with my job, I have to go to Boston on buisness for a week, and don't want to leave the state for fear of what ow/fws will do while I'm away. Healing/trust will not come as long as this wretched creature keeps baring its ugly presence.

What now? Do I hire an investigator to stake out the homefront in my absence? Sometimes I think wiping the slate clean and moving foward (alone) may be the solution, getting weary of trying to progress in a m with dark shadows of the past constantly looming.

Any ideas or thoughts are very much appreciated. Thank you all once again.

Bless to all.

Short1Smile,
Know what you mean about adding fuel to her fire. How long has harrassment been going in your situation? Haven't read your original posts - how long ago was D-day for you? We are at almost 10 months since affair ended, but, all in all, calls have been coming for a year and a half (she was calling and hanging up on me whole time affair was going on). I am having more good days in a row now than bad - setbacks getting fewer and farther between but still there occasionally. Would probably be a lot further along if this little b*@ch would just go away. I can definitely relate to your "anger issues" with both OW and my husband even though he has been so good to me since it ended.

It's is so frustrating that police can't/won't do more to help until/unless there's someone injured or your property is damaged. Don't let it frustrate you though, to the point that you stop keeping good records of all the crap she pulls, dates,times, everything. Hopefully, eventually, her day will come and the more evidence you have the better. Some OW will probably read this and trash me for having such harsh feeling toward OW but in our case, Short1Smile, I feel we are justified. If she had not made a point to harrass me so and making me the enemy when I've done nothing to her, maybe I wouldn't hate her so!

I know you surely must be uncomfortable having to go out of town because of your job. Now that husband and I are working together and spending so much time together I really don't worry about him having contact with her (he hates her now) I worry more about her doing something to our home, cars, dog, etc. while we are away. I just really don't know what all this psycho is capable of although I think she's more hot air than anything else. I am hopeful that eventually we will have our day in court and when we do, the more Sh%# she has stacked against her the better!

Did you read my 8/27 posts under "Can I get a response, advise, your thoughts, anything?" Please do and then let me know when you have, I have an update for you but will only confuse you if you haven't read that.

Best of luck to you while away in Boston. I'll be thinking of you. Try not to let your imagination get the best of you.

Hi Shortsmile & AT,

Just to let you know, I went through similar though not as intense. The ow in my case was 45 at the time and thought she could threaten me with the police. Well I went to the police first with her e-mail and had both her e-mail addys shut down due to threatening e-mails and explicit s3xual content she sent to the WS (of course he was doing the same so they shut both of theirs down). Good enough for me. I did not want her junk coming to our home. He wanted to do that stuff, he could move elsewhere (get a D) but not in our home and not a part of our family.

The next piece was a waiting game which is where you are now. Get this info to a lawyer or at least their advice. This stuff can be held as evidence (even the letter from the relative which could be directly from the OW herself under an assumed name which may be in itself a crime - not sure). OPs like to use assumed identities so don't be surprised if they pull that one. The OW in my case pretended she wasn't herself until I asked for her by her married and maiden names (then she knew I had some info on her and she unloaded with a barage of foul language).

Keep all your evidence in a safe place and even with a 3rd party (2nd copy) just in case 'someonetries to destroy it. Protect your rights. Remember if you are waiting and the OW has not moved on then they are waiting also. See which one has more patience.

take care,
L.

Orchid,
Thanks for your response and your advice. If something doesn't give, and soon, maybe an attorney is the route we need to take. I have been in touch with the D.A.'s office. Their feeling and mine is that if this thing ever does go to court the judge isn't going to be too happy with the fact that she's continued to do this even after first being warned by police, then arrested, then written another summons, then failing to show up for court date and is still at it 7 or 8 mos. later and we've got the evidence to prove it. My guess is that her total lack of respect for the law is really going to piss a judge off. Maybe not, but that's my guess. The sherrif's office also told me that if D.A.'s office elects to they can subpoena her cell phone records. She was arrested in Jan. for 38 counts of telephone harrassment. That's just for ONE WEEK! If they could get those phone records they would see well over 1,000 calls in the last 18 months and that's no exaggeration!!! It would also show that many of these calls were placed/received in the wee hours 2, 3, 4 o'clock in the morning. I don't think the b!#ch ever sleeps! Well, I'm done ranting for the moment. Thanks for listening. Even though I don't know you guys personally, it feels good to have someone to talk to about all of this. Since so few people know about the affair, and we've tried to keep it that way, I really have had no one other than my H to talk to. Thanks for the support!

Orchid & Almost There,
Thank you so much for the support and advice. Contacting an attorney tomorrow to see how to legally proceed next.
fws is unsure whether the letter sent to his job is really from the ow's relative or the ow, he admits not ever seeing her handwriting. Other than her e-mails, we have nothing to compare it to, the writing style (lack of punctuation,miss-spells, not very articulate-not being catty) are similar.
She began the phone harassment over 1 year ago while we were located in another state. Although ow was a childhood "friend" of ws, he admits that he knew/knows little personal info about her, other than rumors of her previous ex seeking a restraining order on her. The police did not substansiate that, nor did they seem concerned. It is frustrating, not knowing what she may be capable of, so far it has been just childish harassment. Obviously it is escalating (the letter at his employment) and my concern is that destruction of property will probably be her next step, as she seems to have the emotional IQ of a disgruntled teenager.

The police here were unwilling to supenoa her phone records, so I did locate a PI who would do it for an unholy fee. Will do so as a last resort if - consult with attorney brings no positive options. Bringing along all the e-mails, letter and statement from neighbors who witnessed her attemted IM contact and drivebys.

Honestly, its hard to stay in recovery and supress anger towards ws-since his actions brought this beast into our home, I waver between anger and pity, I see that he is sincerely remorseful and is willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild the destruction he caused. He initiated the calls to the police and explained honestly and painfully in detail the reason ow is harassing us.
As far as hating ow, I feel more pity and disgust for her, for her children (all different fathers). Pity that she has to stalk and harass, pursue a mm to fulfill whatever it is she lacks, pity that she obviously has mental issues and the educational system failed her. Disgust that she has no respect, either for herself, her children or m.

On one hand, fws now realizes the meaning behind the quote in my sig. The irony is, I said that quote to him long before his a.

Trying not to lb and stay focused.

Thank you again.

Bless to all.

Short1Smile,
Let me know how you come out with the attorney. I'd like to know so I can determine whether or not I feel it would do any good in our situation.
You brought to light something I hadn't thought about before. According to my husband, OW in my case had charges brought against her by someone a few years for property damage (she scratched someones car up with a key and ended up having to pay to repair the car) We might be able to use that against her to prove what she's capable of, you know, that she has a history of that type behavior. Did you have a chance to read my 8/27 posts under "Could I get a response, advice, your thoughts, anything"??? I wanted to update you on what's happened with that situation.

By the way, I love your quote! Think I'll share that with my husband.

Best of luck meeting with attorney. Will be waiting to hear from ya.

Short1Smile,
Looks like islmh (Member #20855) under "In Recovery" is dealing with same situation we are only in her case OW is a cop! See her posts under
"Crazy OW won't leave us alone". Hey, how'd you come out at the attorney???

Bump for this topic! Short1Smile, you still around? Wondering what was going on with your situation and what your meeting with attorney turned up.

<small>[ September 17, 2003, 08:21 AM: Message edited by: still forever hers ]</small>