This is a long and complicated story but I will try to get to the facts. WH moved out in Jan 02 to another state to get a job. As far as I knew we would move there when everything checked out. No hint of things to come, H had acted a little depressed and down but NEVER mentioned any problem. Feb.'02 I mentioned in e-mail thats there seemed to be distance between us, not just miles, he admitted he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore, said he had been feeling badly for 5 yrs (Never mentioned it) had just given up, did not know what he wanted, wasn't "HAPPY", also didn't want to talk about it. "Give me some time" he said. A few weeks later WH finally admitted there was someone else. OW is a 25 yr. old girl from Romania he had met through work, she was still living there, they had only been together for probably a total of 1 month or so because of the distance, he would sometimes travel there, or vice-versa. I was shocked to say the least. She has been friends with my older daughter when she was here, husband thought see needed a "friend". Guess she needed more than that. We are both 42, have kids 23, 20, 14, 12. 12 yr. old only boy.
WH said he didn't know what he wanted, came home for 3 weekend visits, slept here (yes, we did)and he seemed to enjoy visits but we did not talk about anything. I tried to use Plan A as much as possible when he was here and in e-mail. Luckily I seemed to instictivly us plan A even though I just recently read the books.
I know I made mistakes, but, he kept telling me he didn't think it would matter if I changed, he didn't think he could be happy here anymore. Well he didn't even want to try. WH also repeatedly reminded and reminds me that his decision does not have much to do with OW, we would be here anyway. I have a hard time believing that.
Anyway, WH waffled about a decision until he found out that OW was able to get student visa to go to school here, then it was right to divorce court, I have dragged my feet as much as possible without trying to upset him, he let me know he wanted D end of May, wanted it quick!! I recently found out that he plans to move her in this month, Aug, think he wanted divorce so quick so everything would look "nice and proper".
Well I can't stall any longer, I am to the point of diminishing returns, he wants D and NOW! I did not want to file, wanted nothing to do with it but lawyer advises me that it is best for me to file, I have been a stay at home Mom for 24 yrs. and have no job training to speak of so they said I need to be careful. Does anyone think there is any hope? I still do, but I get soooo discouraged, and people, even his freinds and family, get mad at me for being nice to him after what he has done. He has basically deserted us. I don't want to give up hope but I am so afraid to trust in that hope. It hurts so bad. I think it would be so much easier if I could hate him and move on, but I can't if there is any hope. HELP!!

BS-42
WH-43
4 kids
Married 24 yrs.
OW-25 met at work
Divorce pending

Hi and welcome to MB,

Can't stay long, have to go home!!! I am still stuck at work!! LOL!!

Please read the concepts section at the top of this page. Your discovery of the A is quite fresh and very painful. There is a lot to learn here. I will share my sig line so you can get an idea of the length of time some of us have had to deal with these yucky A junk.

Your H sounds like he is having a mid life crisis. The OW being from another country may be using him as a stepping stone to get here. Secure your finances if he is being stupid. Protect the interests of your home and family. Think about who is even on the beneficiary statements. I did.

Come back and let us know how you are doing. There are more tools available here for you but I don't want to overwhelm you.

take care,
L.

So have you filed for divorce yet, I noticed your signature said divorce pending but from your post it seemed as if your lawyer was still trying to talk you into it. I am not for sure what state you live in, but you may want to ask your lawyer to do a legal separation agreement instead, this way you are not being "forced" into filing for divorce, but still protecting yourself.

I would start protecting yourself immediately if you have not done so. No joint accounts. No joint credit cards, etc.

As for is there hope. I say yes. I agree with Orchid, I think that this girl is using your husband to get into the country, have a free place to stay etc. She is probably being super sweet to him in order to get this done, of course whe will not do anything to upset him. She is at his beck and call.

Now, fast forward a few months, I guarantee things will change in Blissville. She will be going to college, meeting younger men, probably going partying,etc. Things will change.

From your standpoint right now, I would Plan A your butt off while you can, absolutely NO Love Busters. If you have not read "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters", do so immediately. Until you get your hands on these books do a crash course up here on the web by clicking on "Basic Concepts" on the Home Page.

Now remember, this is also improving yourself, and helps identify weakenesses that you have contributed to your marriage. Many of us BS's wonder what we have ever done. After the shock wears off and we have time to take a deep look into ourselves, we are able to get rid of traits and truly show our inner beauty, thus your husband will see it to.

Make sure that while you are meeting his Emotional Needs, you are doing NO LOVE BUSTERS, if you do it will cancel out the Love Bank, actually putting it more into the REd zone.

This is your time to shine, your time to save your marriage, even if your husband is lost in the fog. Even if she does move in with him, you need to leave him with the best reflection of you possible. As soon as she starts showing her true colors and lb'ing, he will figure out what he's missing.

Keep posting, keep reading, get strong. THE LAST THING TO DO IS BEG OR PLEAD WITH HIM. I PROMISE YOU THAT, IT DOES NOT WORK!! sorry, had to put that in caps to emphasize that, he needs to see a strong woman, not a weak woman.

hi,
thanks for the advice, you answered one question i had, Should I plan B? It is hard to plan A. We hardly talk, just e-mail and barely that. He says that me being nice, etc. is just me trying to make him feel guilty, it is now starting to anger him, but i guess i could tone it down alittle. As for the divorce I have not filed, it is not the lawyer pushing it is WH. He is chomping at the bit for it. How do I plan A at a distance? IKNOW what mistakes i have made and talked to him about wanting to change them, and meet all his needs but he doesn't think it could work. I really relate to the phrase in "Surviving an Affair" that talks about anxiety about where the affair will lead,What if she is "what will finally make him happy" like he thinks she is? Thanks so much it is nice to talk to someone who understands.
Best to you
S-

<small>[ August 22, 2002, 12:31 AM: Message edited by: uteconf footballwidow ]</small>

Hi- i REALLY sympathize with your sitaution and I agree with the others who posted. I don't even need to KNOW this OW to know her relationship with your WW won't last! It's amazing to me that he actually thinks she is not using him, and she will be content with a man nearly twcie her age while she is in school and meeting younger guys, or whatever. Besides that even, like I read elsewhere on this site, relationships that are based on infidelity hardly EVER last. And it totally makes sense- right nowhe is prob. thinking of you as this confining, un-supportive, "bad" wife, and she is the greatest thing ever. HA! Wait until they start a "real" relationship and the fantasy/novelty wears off. Wake up call! Hello!

I think you really need to maintain your dignity and just let him be, and let him continue to make a mess of his life. I would act well, no indifferent exactly, but just live your own life and be cordial and polite. And I REALLY agree with the advice about securing your own finances, It sounds like your WW is capable of doing something really STUPID concerning money and you need to protect yourself and your kids. Don't help him out financially at ALL!

Guess that's it- give us an update soon!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by uteconf footballwidow:
<strong>It is hard to plan A. We hardly talk, just e-mail and barely that. He says that me being nice, etc. is just me trying to make him feel guilty, it is now starting to anger him, but i guess i could tone it down alittle.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">one thing that I realized is that there is a difference in Plan A and being a nagging, whining doormat. Obviously your plan A is working in some aspects if he is telling you that it makes him feel guilty. However, if its angering him, maybe its a bit too much. The last thing, unfortunately that the WS wants to hear is too much Relationship Talk, I have learned that the hard way. Implement all the changes within yourself, be loving, be strong, don't bring up too many we should have done this, we should have done that. How do you react to his anger, do you still plead your case? If you are stop, it won't work, any case pleading on your part may only push him away. He already knows hes doing wrong, feels guilty about it, does not need to hear things from you that may make him feel more guilty. He needs to have someone to trust, let that person be you. If he does get angry, end the conversation calmly, don't pursue, don't antagonize, don't respond with anger back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by uteconf footballwidow:
<strong>As for the divorce I have not filed, it is not the lawyer pushing it is WH. He is chomping at the bit for it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If WH is so much for the divorce, why isn't he filing??? Think about it, theres obviously some doubt in his mind, or he does not want to look like the bad guy, even more than he will be if OW moves in.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by uteconf footballwidow:
<strong>How do I plan A at a distance? IKNOW what mistakes i have made and talked to him about wanting to change them, and meet all his needs but he doesn't think it could work.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What communications do you have, is it mostly email, phone calls, visits?? Again, if you have stated your mistakes, don't keep doing it, it will make you seem weak. Implement those changes, actions speak louder than words. Let him iniate the contact with you. Don't do a full Plan B but give a little space. When he does contact you, implement Plan A, no LB's, no pleading, no begging.

One thing that I would highly recommend is to schedule an appt with the Harley's. theres a link to counseling on the main page. Yes, it is very expensive, but at this critical point, they will help you decide what is best for you. They see this everyday and every situation. Everything that I have said relates to my situation. I thank God that I found MB, even over a year after D-Day, that my WH and I had not started divorce proceedings. Things have been gradually getting better using these principles.

Hi again,
Thanks to all, it is so unbelievably comforting to talk to people who care and who have been there. About the divorce, he would file asap but is letting me. As I said the lawyer told me it is a very bad idea to let him file, his state laws etc. If I could avoid the divorce or filing i would but he is interpeting this dragging my feet as not letting him move on to what will make him happy. In a way I guess he sees it as a disrepectful judgement. He thinks this is really what he wants.
On the plan A, I don't really talk about the R. Just try to encourage him (trouble at work, and he is under alot of stress (WONDER WHY). I guess I do need to back off on the "I love you's" and "the i want to try and work it out" As far as helping him financially, I WISH, until I can get a job and some training he is basically supporting us, THANK GOD, he has been wonderful about that. Thanks again UR all great!!

Just wanted to re-post in hopes of getting some more input. It is helping so much already.
Thanks to all

good for you, how are things going? Is he responding to your changes?

I know how you feel about being nice after an affair....but it seems that it is time to lookout for yourself....stay at home-moms are the backbone of many great people in this world but it is time to get back into the saddle....File if that is what the lawyers said to do....he obviously doesn't care about you as you care for him ( i know how that feels) and sometimes that blinds us...don't let it step up and get some applications! You can do and when you do believe me he will look back see your strength and kick himself (and even if he doesn't you'll be too busy with a new career to care)! GOOD LUCK!

I think you need to do what your heart feels, the lawyer is not in your shoes. If you are not ready for a divorce, don't file. But I would look into getting a legal separation to protect you and the kids.