Dear fellow BSs:

Today I have a question for you that's been bothering me for the past days.

D-day was 6 weeks ago, my H confessed kissing the OW and started working to rebuild our love. It has been going well in general.

For a while I thought about leaving him and put away my wedding ring, because I just could not bear to wear it anymore. He gave it to me in the catholic church with the promise of "amor y fidelidad". This promise given before God meant everything to me and I have not even looked at another man in ten years. For my H apparently it had no meaning and did not prevent him from actively pursuing this A.

I feel strange without my wedding ring and I really miss it. I know that people (men especially...) notice that I am not wearing one. When I go out with my husband there is this feeling that he is married and I am his girlfriend. When I am just walking from the parking lot to my work like this morning I had this guy talking and flirting with me. I did not flirt back -but noticed...I don't want advances like that.

I don't want to wear my old wedding ring ever again- it reminds me too much of the broken promise and my husband's betrayal. But can I ask him for a new one? With a new promise? How do you, fellow BSs, feel about this and how have you handled this. Please do not tell me to put the old one back on -I have a real deep aversion to it. It makes me really sick to see it on my finger and remember his promise on the day we were married.

Love and strength to all of you.

not a bad idea - go for it!
a new ring, a new promise - maybe it will be a great "official" start for a whole 'new & improved' relationship.

But both need to work together on this. Your husband seems to be remorseful. Are you doing your bit? Do you understand why your H went astray? Which needs he didn't see fulfilled with you? Why he was weak? I'm not saying you should find excuses for his behaviour, but you need understanding his behaviour, and talk about it openly.

Otherwise, there wont be no healing & the thing could re-occurr

Hello IP, This is a very good question and one that I have asked myself many times. I have chosen to continue to wear it because it is a symbol of my belief in my future with my husband and also because I do not want to have deal with questions or situations like the one you've described just yet.

All I can tell you is that it is a personal choice.

One of my best friends took off her ring shortly after she found out her H was involved with another person. She didn't wear it for six months. They ended up exchanging new rings just recently. She demanded it because she, like you, could not bear the thought of his betrayal.

Basically, I don't think it's unusual to want something different. The only thing that I told my friend is that the ring is just a symbol. Buying new rings cannot erase the memory and it does not alone guarantee a successful recovery. It's the action plan behind it that two people must commit together to execute. In my mind, this is much more difficult than replacing rings.

I wish you luck.

I continue to wear mine - only because I don't want questions regarding my taking it off. It occured to me often to remove it. My coworkers questioned if I was going the right thing when we M. (I questioned it too). I don't want them to notice I stopped wearing it.

I think your idea is a good one.

I had actually started wearing again after I discovered the A, as a symbol of my desire to rebuild. (I'd stopped wearing it years ago because over the years it became a bit small, rather I became larger, and it gave me all kinds of trouble; hurt to wear it) But I took it off again as the weeks went by and my WW showed no signs of wanting to rebuild. It's back on my neck-chain where it's been since I took it off.

My W has not worn out wedding ring for years either...but now I know why. Never thought it was a big deal for her to have taken it off. I mean we've been married nearly 21 years...you figure...

Wow- three answers in one hour. Maybe we started an interesting discussion here.

Thank you all so far, I'm looking forward to hearing more of your thoughts.

To Nick123: sure I have looked from every angle at this A in the past 6 weeks. Read Harley's books and took a long hard critical look at myself. But you know what - sometimes there are As where you CANNOT blame the BS for causing it. Sometimes there are other strong reasons such as midlife crisis, depression over other facts in life and in someone's past that cause the A and maybe your wife is just to close to you and too involved in loving you to address these things with her (Still I wish with all my heart my H had talked with me and walked away from the A). Maybe recovery after an A like this is somewhat easier than if you had a spouse who never met your ENs well.

I am so glad that I found this site and advice from the wise people here. (If you want you can find my story under "Just found out"...)Thank you so much for your thoughts, Nick, you are right that many times there are problems in the M before the A happens and it is important to learn about them to improve one's side of them for the "new start".

Wow - four answers.

Hi Spacecase- great to hear from you again. You are one of the "wise people" that helped me through the darkest hours. Thank you sooo much!

We were posting at the same time just now.
Thank you for your answer to this question.

I didn't wear my ring for a while, partly because I lost so much weight during the first 3 months of his denial of the A. When he finally confessed, I still didn't wear it because it no longer held meaning. I don't wear it on a day to day basis, because it's still too big, and I do day care- the kids get scratched on it if I'm not super careful.
He has never worn his since our wedding day. ALways some excuse. I've asked him to wear it, he doesn't wear any jewelry. Very much a farm boy type.
I think that sometime in the future, we'll renew our vows, maybe then things will change for both of us. I wear my ring now if we go out. BUt it HAS lost it's meaning.

At first I did wear mine but would take it off occasionally. I still felt committed.Once I found out OW2 was ongoing, I took off my ring. For a while, I would wear it to church or around my family.

Since my last Dday, I have kept it off. I don't want the old M or the old ring either.

WH never wore his - hates jewelry. He left his ring in a rental we had 10 years ago and never replaced it.

D.

IP---

I still wear mine--heck I'm still married.

But I have had moments...many more recently when I have wondered about removing it. Of course then I would have a tan line and look like some cheesy married hustler trying to forget he has a wife, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I think the idea of a new ring is a good one, but only if you are at a place where you are convinced you are in recovery...

Good luck

E

I wore mine until my daughter said "Mom, why do you still wear your wedding ring...Dad doesn't".
The next day I took it off and it hasn't been back on since (it was about four months after he moved out and moved in w/ OW)
BH

IP,

My $.02 -- I also took mine off for awhile. I didn't care who noticed and did not feel like wearing it. Didn't know how I was going to resolve things -- thought maybe we should renew vows someday and get new rings, etc. Then I read something on here from someone that it was just a symbol. My H had made those vows, we had exchanged rings and he had still betrayed his vows. Wearing or not wearing the ring was not going to change the past.

I did start wearing my rings again. I think the decision was mine -- was I really comitted to my M (it didn't matter what he felt). If I was comitted, I would wear them an show the world that I believed in our M and felt I was M.

In the end, the decision is a personal one. What do you feel comfortable doing?

FHO

I personally do not wear my ring anymore. I think I wore it for about a month after DDay, but my WW stopped wearing it so I did too. I know that sounds kind of stubborn. My wife even makes comments about how much she loves her wedding ring and how pretty it is. Obviously, she views it as more of a material thing rather than a symbol of the vows we made or she would not have had the A. I guess if she started wearing it, that would mean a committment from her to work on our marriage. Unforunately, I haven't gotten that yet. I can only hope and pray that it will happen soon, because lately I have been so down and just feel like giving hope.

I had not been wearing mine for years due to work and an injury to my finger. Once I found oout about my W's A I started wer
aring it again just to show her I still care and that the vows I took still mean something to me. I guess I will wear it until I have to plan B it then I will probably take it off. What hurts is that she no longer waers hers.
I like your idea of a new ring with a new promise. I don't know if it will mean more the second time, but to me it would have to.
CD

Never took mine off. My wife ALWAYS makes sure that she has her rings on when ever she leaves the house <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

ice princess, After taking several months of fog talk from ws but not having proof of affair yet I took ring off one day. I felt naked without it and put it back on, however another month or so of worse fog talk and I realized that he did not act like he was married to me anymore and I didn't feel married because he ignored that I even existed. I then took the ring off, didn't wear it because I knew he wasn't committed. After d-day 18mos. ago when he came out of the fog and knew he wanted me and the marriage, I put the ring back on but it bothered me. It felt like the vows were shattered and I didn't want that ring anymore. I wanted a new ring to symbolize new beginnings. I know a ring is just a material thing, but it's how I felt and it really bothered me so he bought me a new ring for christmas. I wear it. Also I needed a new one because early after d-day he said something to me that really hurt me and I got mad, pulled my rings off and threw them. I found engagement ring, but couldn't find wedding band. It has not bothered me though, I sort of think of it as the old ring had a bad memory on it. If I had of lost it in the past for any other reason it would have killed me. I think I would have taken it off sooner, but I didn't want to be questioned about not wearing it by other people. I didn't stop wearing it because I wanted to date or anything like that, I just didn't feel married to him because he was emotionally distant, ignored me, spoke harshly when he actually did speak to me and I got tired of being treated like a doormat after being good to him. I wore mine along time after he stopped wearing his ring.

I have struggled with this one myself. My WW is not wearing her ring. It is because of this I took off my ring a few times. My ring is back on again now. I guess I feel sometimes that my ring and my comitment has nothing to do with her ring and her comitment to me.

Have you told your WH about this feeling? I guess maybe in a way, broken promise - broken ring. Maybe he could trade it in for a new one.

I can see that this is a difficult topic for many of us.

Just wanted to let you guys know: we did not get diamond rings when we got married but plain gold bands. We wanted that at the time (enthusiastic agreement...textbook like). He and I always wore our rings, first after our engagement on the left hand and then after the wedding on the right hand, as it is the tradition in some European countries.

After 5 years he gave me a beautiful diamond anniversary band.

I am so sad that this A happened. I would have liked so much to wear the ring he gave me with the promise of "fidelidad" in that beautiful medieval church until the day I die. Actually the words were "Receive this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity". I just can't wear it anymore...

He never took off the ring that I gave him with my promise. Well- he never had a reason to since I never broke my vows.

Maybe for many people-like OW and my husband (at the time)-these rings mean absolutely nothing. It prevents nothing, doesn't even remind them that there is a person to whom a promise was given. Is the fog so thick at times that you can't even see your hand (with your ring) in front of your eyes? Maybe that's why so many WSs remove their rings? Because the fog isn't thick enough and the ring reminds them, but they choose to get rid of that reminder?

It is too early after the A to accept a new promise with a new ring from him. First I need to see that he is sincere and honest in his determination to rebuild our marriage.

And BTW: NOBODY has asked why I am not wearing a ring anymore. NOBODY... I am sure that they noticed at work or friends that don't know about the A, but I have not gotten one single question or comment.

Maybe I'll just wear my anniversary band for a while. I can show my husband that I care about him and love him. That's what I want to do right now. He is trying so hard to heal my pain and he is so sorry for what he did.

My wife wore hers during her entire affair. Now, I wear mine to remind me that I didn't break my vows. It kills me to see her wearing hers when she has so obviously shown me how little it means to her. She finally took it off when I showed her a love letter I found from him to her... she took it off and questioned the authenticity of the love letter.

I took mine off at that point. Day by day, I wear it; I don't wear it. I'm at a point where I feel ready to move on... if I feel I want it to be with her - I wear it. If not, I take it off. Maybe I'll redevelop my tan line... right now I don't have one. I don't know that rings will ever have the same meaning to me as they once did. To me, they're just things now whose only value is in dollars... and as such a potential source of conflict in a divorce. Nothing more, nothing less.

If anything, my ring has become a reminder of my ambivalence. A thing is a thing. Don't place too much value on it. It would mean 1000x more to me if my WW were to do something that made me feel special, told me I was special, held me intimately, kissed me, and told me she loved me.