Going crazy,
How are things going today?
Can you email me?
KK

kayhilburn@yahoo.com

Spacecase: everything you said is so right, one thing that I do want to potray is that this is a joint, team effort, which it should be for reconciliation!!

KK: yep, I can email you, I'll send you a quick one right after this post, then I need to go take a shower and vacuum before WH gets here!! I have your email written down in case you want to delete that in your post

Wondering how it went ...

GC?

Update? Or are you "busy"? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

wondering how it went... thinking of you, I hope well. honey

GC -- Thinking of you and hoping your discussion went well.

GC,

Please let us know how you are doing.

Hugz,
L.

I'm back, haven't even turned on my computer since yesterday morning. Been painting, mowing, cleaning the garage, etc, working my butt off!! Thank you everyone for your concern!

Ok, I know all of you want to know how my conversation went, right?

Anyway, he could only stop by for about an hour on his way to a wedding, then after that to his buddys for "Fantasy Football" draft last night, then they were getting up early to play in a charity golf tournament.

He borrowed his father's truck to pick up the 2 large items left at OW's house, he had told me the other day that he had arranged this while she wasn't there. I don't know if she was, I didn't ask.

So when he got here and settled down a bit, the conversation kind of went like this (Sorry, I don't have the 100GB brain hard drive like Spacecase does to remember everything!)

Me: "Are you serious this time, do you want this marriage to work"

H: "Yes, I am so sorry, I've known it for a long time now, I just needed to get away from OW for a while to make sure"

Me: "What made you decide?

H: "I had to figure out who I wanted in my life, and its you"

Me: "There are a few things that we can do to help our recovery, some ideas that my therapist has.

H: "Like what?"a

Me: "First, I need your assurance that there will be absolutely no contact with OW, not in person, not by phone, not by email.

H: "I understand that, my last contact with her was sent via email on Friday making arrangements for today (to pick the rest of his stuff up)

I didn't bring up the NC letter yet, he still has not read SAA yet.

Me: "I also would like us to be totally honest with each other about everything"

H: "I understand that"

Me: "We also need to look back on why we drifted apart, look at things that caused love (emotional needs) and things that caused us pain (LB's), (I didn't use these terms, as he is not familiar with him yet).

H: "The one thing that OW offered me was passion, me and you were just content"

Me: (Biting my tongue). Thanks for telling me that, I'm sorry that we didn't, is there anything else?

H: I need you to not have your controlling behavior.

Me: Yes, I realize looking back, that I did (and I really did, I have realized this is an LB, and I have learned to not be so controlling from the Boundaries book, he is SO RIGHT about that).

H: I want to make sure we go to the movies every Friday night

Me: No problem!

We then talked a little bit more about emotional needs, love busters, again, I didn't use these terms. I had printed out 2 copies of the Love Busters, Emotional Needs, and Recreational Inventory questionaires, one for him, and one for me.

He told me that he will look at the SAA book, he has just had a hard time for the last couple of weeks and couldn't really concentrate on anything so his friends have been keeping him busy.

H said "I feel like a huge cloud has been lifted off of me, I finally feel that my decision is right and for all the right reasons"

talked a bit more..

I then told him that when he reads SAA, it will mention these questionaires that are in the book, and that I think it will help our recovery alot if we feel these out, he told me he would do it.

We talked a little more, about doing some things with his family, etc next weekend.

A little later I said to him: "Don't get upset about me saying this, but I am really concerned about STD's.
H: "you don't have to worry about that"
Me: "why not"
H: "you just don't"
Me: " would you consider getting tested"
H: "you don't have anything to worry about"

At some point in the conversation a little later, I stated again, that he is to have abolutely no contact with OW, he said "Dont worry, I don't want to talk to her, and I know she doesn't want to talk to me."

So that's good, if she does try to contact him, she's mad and will LB like crazy.
I haven't asked him yet to change his personal cell phone number, but I'm not for sure what to do about his work phone and work cell phone, since no one at his new employer knows about the situation.

Well, I saw that this conversation was going nowhere, so I dropped it for the time being, but I do need to bring it up later, I'm not for sure what he meant about that.

So all in all, it was okay, his behavior is completely different then it was the other times he tried to come back. Before, it seemed like he treated me like I was just lucky he came back, this time he is always apologizing, seems to show remorse, tells me he loves me, etc.

It is going to be a long road, since he seems to be getting through his withdrawal period, I didn't push anything, yet.

He did call me twice last night, and twice today, so that helped. I'll probably see him in the middle of the week.

<small>[ August 25, 2002, 10:38 PM: Message edited by: going_crazy ]</small>

GC, I am very happy for you, sounds like things went very well...Remember your boundries but don't push them yet... my FWW resisted getting an STD test a first too.. said the same thing, "don't worry". When we finally got to the bottom, she said don't worry he didn't give me anything, when I asked how she knew this she said that she didn't have any symptons, I explained that many of these STDs go undetected for years, finally I told her the only way I was going to have sex with after she got tested, so in the end she agreed, she thought it was stupid, but she did it and everything was okay. As some point you will need to discuss the conditions for a return and if this is very important to you, and it should be, you will need to determine why you have zero risk of getting and STD from him and the only way that could be zero is that he never had any sexual contact with her.
It sounds like the fog is really lifting for him.
Take care,
Dave

davepr: Oh, I hope the fog is lifting, it was kinda funny when he said that he felt like a huge cloud has been lifted off of him because I felt like telling him the fog is starting to clear.
I didn't want to push the STD test issue, I realized that things are still a little raw and I don't want to have to put alot of demands at once to him. But you're right, there are diseases out there that no one has symptoms, and I don't feel comfortable having sex with him until I know there's nothing. I need to bring this up again, but not for sure exactly how to do it without it looking like a demand.

I know that he probably would not go to the health dept to do it, he's too embarrassed, can a regular doctor do these tests? I don't know if they are free or not at the health dept, I will have to check.

sure a regular doctor does them... I have had them done 2x since the seperation, bc of my worrying. I saw him after sep.

anyway... discuss that issue later.... good work, I am proud of you and your boundaries. Honey

That is exceptional news GC!!! Wonderful! Great! Fabulous! You did great!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Whew! I almost don't know what to say! He said all the right things, he seems to mean them, and he seems willing to "do what it takes" to come home and get you back...can't ask for more right now, I don't think.

You'll only have to "nail him down" a bit with the details and all that, but he seems to be willing, and ready.

Great news GC, great news!!! I am SO happy for you!!!!

PS: Sweetie, I'm flattered that you think I have a 100MB "brain hard drive", but believe me, I've forgotten more that you'll ever know! LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

This is really great!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Honey:
<strong>sure a regular doctor does them</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you know how it gets billed for insurance, does insurance cover that?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Spacecase:
<strong>:He said all the right things, he seems to mean them, and he seems willing to "do what it takes" to come home and get you back...can't ask for more right now, I don't think.

You'll only have to "nail him down" a bit with the details and all that, but he seems to be willing, and ready.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Spacecase: It definitely seemed positive, I guess I shouldn't expect one discussion and have all the results I would like to see, I think recovery is a slow process!!
I think that at least I have the nail started, I'll have to make sure that my surface is strong enough to handle the nail getting hammered in all the way, have to make a few love taps to it, little by little!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GC: Spacecase: It definitely seemed positive, I guess I shouldn't expect one discussion and have all the results I would like to see, I think recovery is a slow process!!

I think that at least I have the nail started, I'll have to make sure that my surface is strong enough to handle the nail getting hammered in all the way, have to make a few love taps to it, little by little!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">By jove, I think she's got it!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm sooooooooooo happy for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BB

GC,

I've never posted to you before, but I have been following your story. I admire you so much for being strong enough to apply the principles so well! (I did a horrible plan A but didn't have to do a plan B, thank god)

I was elated to hear about your conversation with your H! It made me smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ... I hope your recovery goes great!

Danni

GC,

Well from the looks of your post, both you and your H have done good.

I noticed that while he felt you were too controlling, he allowed you to 'control' the direction of the conversation and he was able to answer the questions without having a tizzy fit. Now that is progress.

Feels different this time? Good. This one looks more stable. His answers shows he gave this some thought, not doing it out of desparation.

Now as for the STD testing, you might want to have some background info before you allow him to blow off the tests.

There are some sites which give info and even show pictures of how some STDs affect some persons. Quite graphic. The Ws usually thinks there is nothing to be gained by testing by they are not doctors.

I would use the point that you do not feel safe without the tests. Use that reason wisely (not everytime you want your way).

Maybe he thinks only certain types of s3x would incur STD. Let him know that this type of testing is quite normal and can be done in a clinic if needed.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,
I just wanted to ask for the addresses of these STD sites that you were talking about.
I'm just interested, wanna take a look.
Do you have them???
BB

Thank you everyone for your support!!

I talked to WH this evening, he told me that he is feeling better day by day, taking it slow, this does feel different because the last couple of times it seemed like he was in and out pretending like nothing happened.

The Dr.Phil show associate producer contacted him and interviewed him over the phone!! I asked him what he said, and he just told me that he told them he made a huge mistake, knew it was a huge mistake 4 months into it, and has had rough time since, he said that he had left because he was trying to fill holes in his life but created more instead.
I just don't think that I can go on the Dr. Phil show in front of everyone! WH wants to be straightened out, and as a couple of my friends say, he will ream him a new butthole, chew him up and spit him out!!
So, since I knew that he wants to be "straightened out", I asked if he would like for me to make an appt with Steve. At first WH said that he didn't want to talk to the same person I've been talking too. I then told him that Steve is not one to take sides, he tells it like it is, and does whats best for the relationship. WH said Ok, and asked me to set something up early next week. I'm going to call tomorrow and get that set up, hopefully I might get in there before him, but we will see.

Wow GC -- I couldn't believe it when I read that your WH was thinking about going on the dr. phil show. My WH would rather be eaten alive by carpenter ants while someone scraped their fingernails down a chalkboard than do something like that.

First, I wanted to say that it does sound as if your WH is coming out of the fog and seems serious about trying make this work and respect you. That is terrific news. I know how patient you have been and that is quite an accomplishment.

Second, on the STD thing, I had myself tested right away after d-day. I broke down completely just making the appointment with the receptionist. But, my doctor was great (seems like this wasn't the first time she'd dealt with this kind of thing/an A, etc). My insurance covered most of it, but I think that was because of the way my doctor coded the appointment. I did have to pay out of pocket for one of the HIV tests. I am being re-tested soon because as others have mentioned some of these things crop up well after the fact. I haven't yet had to deal with WH getting tested -- we are far from having SF. But, I will definitely be firm about it should he try and reconcile and so should you.

You have handled yourself well. Be proud. Best of luck.