My husband suspects something and I have admitted to only 2 conversations with a man, this occurred over 4 yrs ago. I NEVER had sex with him or anybody else, but I admit there was a little more to it than just 2 conversations, though not much more. My husband is highly suspicious and is interrogating me. Do I tell him everything or keep with my initial claim that it was only a mild flirtation and we ended it before it could get worse (which is true). The things I have not told him are kissing, meals in restaurants, emails, etc. Your opinion is appreciated.

Kissing and dinner in restaurants with a man that is not your husband is an AFFAIR! Maybe a short-lived one, but still an affair. What would u call it if you saw your husband kissing another woman? an AFFAIR, plain and simple.

Hi SoCalGirl,

Welcome to MB....

Tell him EVERYTHING. It will hurt him to hear the truth..., but not knowing is worse. He suspects the worst and I'm sure that his mind is in overdrive thinking up all kinds of possible scenarios....

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Definitely tell him the whole truth.

I am afraid he will leave me if I do. I ended it as quickly as it started. I don't want to risk my family and everything else. It was a huge mistake and I learned from it and now know how to prevent it from happening. I don't want to hurt him.

You've already hurt him... by not telling him the whole truth, you're just hurting him more.

He may leave you.... but then again, he may not. Don't you think that he at least deserves to make that decision with all of the facts on the table?

If your H was the one that had kissed and hugged another woman and YOU suspected him of something, wouldn't YOU want to know the truth? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Let me give a little background. As I said, this occured 4 yrs ago. At that time, I realized what was going on, stopped it, and had a long talk with my H telling him my unhappiness in our relationship has led me to start "looking" and I don't want it to happen and can we go to counseling, which we did. We also worked on our marriage through workshops and long discussions and meetings and really made a ton of improvement. I really thought all of this was behind me, when he suddenly noticed something that made him ask a lot of questions. I already admitted to a strong attraction, I admitted it was during a time when I was very vulnerable and lonely, I admitted to a LOT, just not the gory details (which, remember, did not include sex and did not go on for more than a few weeks! a very minor flirtation) I am not trying to play it down, I just don't want to cause more harm than good considering (a) it was so long ago and (b) we worked on the problems that allowed this to happen and (c) things are great and we are very much in love. In all honesty, if my husband had kissed a girl 4 yrs ago, felt terrible about it and brought the attraction to the surface so we could work on it in counseling (4 yrs ago), I really don't think I would need to or want to know about the kiss. Do you REALLY feel this is necessary, if so, can you please tell me exactly why and HOW it will help? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

SCG;

Tell him as much as HE wants to know. It's probably more important to him to see your absolute willingness to tell, than all of the actual details. Let HIM decide how much to tell.

Contrary to popular belief, the lie is a worse offense than the act about which you are lying.

Be brave, and have faith in him. Believe me; he will be hurt more by the lie, and what he can imagine, than with the truth.

Perhaps this will help:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> From “Private Lies” by Frank Pittman.
"The infidelity is not in the sex, necessarily, but in the secrecy. It isn't whom you lie with. It's whom you lie to."

"...someone who is lying to someone else is not trying to bring about closeness, intimacy, or understanding. Lies can bring temporary comfort or peace to a relationship (and permit quick getaways), but at the cost of ultimate distrust, misunderstanding, and distance."

"The lie may be a greater betrayal of the relationship than the misdeed being lied about. It takes very little misinformation to disorient and destroy a relationship. I often point out to people that if I gave the detailed instructions on how to go from Atlanta to New York City, and I threw in one left turn that was a lie, they would end up in Oklahoma."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> To Tell or not To Tell
by Peggy Vaughan

People who have had an affair often wonder whether or not they should tell their spouse. Every person must make this "to tell or not to tell" decision for themselves. However, there are some factors to consider that might not at first be obvious. While there's an understandable caution about the potential risk of telling about an affair, there's also a risk if it's "not" disclosed. In marriages where affairs are kept secret, certain topics of discussion are avoided because the deceiving partner fears being discovered and the other is reluctant to appear suspicious. This causes many relationships to be dominated by dishonesty and deception. It's doubtful that a couple can keep something like this hidden for the rest of their lives without a terrible strain developing. A large part of the high divorce rate may be due to the alienation caused by the dishonesty inherent in affairs, even if the affairs are never confronted. So it may be that there is no escape from the pain, regardless of whether the affair is kept hidden or exposed.
This is not meant to diminish the pain of finding out. But one of the advantages of volunteering the information about an affair instead of waiting until it's unexpectedly discovered is that it allows a degree of preparation that can significantly reduce the pain of finding out. The person doing the telling has a responsibility to take steps to increase the likelihood that the disclosure will lead to building a closer relationship rather than tearing it apart. First of all, they need to be motivated by a desire to improve the relationship, not a desire to unload their feelings of guilt. They also need to be prepared to hang in and work through their partner's reactions to the information, regardless of what those reactions may be.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The “Need to Know"
by Peggy Vaughan

Why we need answers to our questions
When learning of our partner's affair, most of us feel an intense "need to know" - asking questions to try to make some kind of sense out of what has happened.

Here's an excerpt about this from my book, The Monogamy Myth
"When a person discovers their mate is having an affair, their world suddenly turns upside down. In order to recover any sense of balance, they need to get more information and understanding of the situation. Without answers to their questions, they convince themselves that the answers must all be bad; otherwise why wouldn't they be told what they want to know. They feel they're being treated like a child, and they resent it."
"If the information didn't exist, it wouldn't be so frustrating and demeaning. But they know their partner has it, and simply refuses to give it to them. This makes a balance of power in the relationship impossible... It's doubtful if trust can ever be restored in a relationship where this persists."
"I remember how tough it was on my husband when I continually asked more and more questions. Intellectually, I wanted to move on and get over it, but emotionally I needed the ongoing support and understanding he gave me. It was extremely important that he never said, "enough is enough; let's get on with our lives." Of course, nobody would choose to go through the thousands of hours of talking about this if there were some other way. In my own case, I think it was an essential part of overcoming my feelings and finding peace of mind."
(end of excerpt from "The Monogamy Myth")
While I have consistently heard this same thing from thousands of people during the past 20 years, there's still a great reluctance on the part of those who have had affairs to answer questions and to continue talking about the whole situation. Unfortunately, there has also been a large segment of the therapeutic community that has reinforced the idea that too many questions and too much talking is not for the best.
I now have statistical data that demonstrates the connection between honest communication and both staying married and recovering. I have posted some results from my Research Questionnaire that may help people see the importance of respecting this "need to know."
While it's important to get answers to your questions IF you ask questions, this does NOT mean you "should" ask questions unless/until you really want to know. It's just that it's essential to get answers if you DO ask.
While for most people, "getting answers to your questions" is a key ingredient in rebuilding the trust and building a strong marriage, no one should be forced to hear things they don't want to hear. But if they DO want to hear details, they deserve to have their questions answered. It's the WILLINGNESS of the partner to answer questions that is so critical, not whether or not you ASK for the answers.
So each person needs to decide for themselves the timing of when/what/how much they want to know. (It's important to determine that you really want the truth, and are not just hoping for some kind of reassurance or disclaimers.) For most people, "not knowing" is worst of all - because their imagination fills in the blanks and the wondering never ceases.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ August 22, 2002, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

Well, I can only speak from my own experiences.

My W's first A came and went entirely without my knowledge. That was 11 years ago. She realized it was wrong and stopped sometime around 7 or 8 years ago. Mostly and EA, though they got physical a few times as well. She never told me about it. When things went sour in our M again a couple of years ago, she had another A with the same OM. I found out about it after she thought she had again ended it.

I wish I'd been told the truth a long, long time ago. I think my point is that your H won't ever know the depth of the EA you had 4 years ago if you don't tell him the truth. It's one thing to be told "I'm attracted to someone else" and another to be told "I'm having an affair". Believe me, I was told the former. For whatever reason, I wasn't "there for her" when she needed me and felt she was crying out for help (though not by telling me the whole truth).

That's all I can say.

Two words. Radical Honesty. You need to tell your H the truth. He is imaginaning all kinds of things in his head and will not leave you alone about it untill you tell all. Trust me I know and your H probably has a gut feeling and its not gonna go away and will just resent you for lying about it. For example, my H had a one night stand with the OW three months into our relationship of our dating with the same person he had an affair with ( she was an x girlfriend, and i found a condom in the garbage at his house and one of his condomes was missing, he told me his brother had borrowed one) and when i confronted him about it he told me he did not have sex with her. (8 years ago he denied it all the way). I always new in my gut he was lying to me about it and it did not come clean about till five years later when he had an affair with her (for three months)he finally admitted to me i had been right all along. He made me feel as if i was going crazy and that i was just being paranoid. He then proved to me he was capable of hiding it for five years and then and now i wonder what else there is that i do not know.

You say your marriage is strong and you have repared your marriage so why does he have this feeling now? In order to have a good marriage you must have honesty at all times. If he could not handle the truth he would not be asking.

Here's what Dr. Harley (owner of this site) has to say about it:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> From my perspective, honesty is part of the solution to infidelity, and so I'll take honesty for whatever reason, even if it's to relieve a feeling of guilt and depression. The revelation of an affair is very hard on an unsuspecting spouse, of course, but at the same time, it's the first step toward marital reconciliation.

Most unfaithful spouses know that their affair is one of the most heartless acts they could ever inflict on their spouse. So one of their reasons to be dishonest is to protect their spouse from emotional pain. "Why add insult to injury," they reason. "What I did was wrong, but why put my spouse through needless pain by revealing this thoughtless act?" As is the case with bank robbers and murderers, unfaithful spouses don't think they will ever be discovered, and so they don't expect their unfaithfulness to hurt their spouse.

But I am one of the very few that advocate the revelation of affairs at all costs, even when the wayward spouse has no feelings of guilt or depression to overcome. I believe that honesty is so essential to the success of marriage, that hiding past infidelity makes a marriage dishonest, preventing emotional closeness and intimacy.

It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better.

The Policy of Radical Honesty is one of two rules you must follow to protect your spouse from your self-centered behavior, which includes affairs. The other rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). If you were to be completely honest with you spouse, and you were to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, an affair would be impossible, unless for some reason your spouse wanted you to have one.
If you knew that your affair would be discovered -- that right after having sex with your co-worker, your spouse were to find out about it -- you would probably not go through with it. And if you were honest enough with your spouse so that YOU would be the one to tell him or her what you did, your honesty would be a huge reason to avoid any affair.

How the victimized spouse should respond to the revelation of an affair is a subject of a later column. I do not have the space to treat it here. But a spouse is twice victimized when he or she is lied to about an affair. Truth is far easier to handle than lies.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thank you. I had already read all of that before I joined this discussion group but I am afraid I just do not agree, at least not in this case. What I am going to do is this:
If my H presses for more information, I will answer, but only the questions he asks. Knowing him, it would cover every detail. But I will leave it up to him what he wants to know. I really feel we already discussed and worked on the heart of the matter (me "looking", feeling very unsatisfied, needs not met, going to counseling, working on our marriage, me learning a LOT about this subject and knowing how to avoid it in the future, etc.) I just don't see how admitting to a dinner and a kiss is going to help anybody. And nobody in this discussion thread has been able to answer that question either other than to say that honesty puts you in a starting position to work on your marriage. BUT as I stated, we've already gone through that part. I am not trying to be argumentative, just trying to understand the need to divulge details when he already knows the generalities.

Sorry to be blunt, but I think you already admitted the reason why you don't want to tell- you're afraid he'll leave. So your reasons for not telling are about you and not him. That is not fair, at least in my opinion. If it were me I would want to know the whole truth, and have the CHOICE to stay, or go. He may go, and that is a possible consequence of your actions. I really understand why you are scared but I do not think you are being fair to him. I am glad to see that you will at least answer all the questions he asks, though. Really try to reverse this situation, if you were in his shoes and he was the one who cheated, wouldn't you want the whole truth so you can make an informed decision as to what to do?

SoCal,

Of course you will make your own decision based on what you think is best; however what everyone is saying is that maybe you don't have enough information to know what you're talking about. I mean this in a nice way.

For instance, do you realize that you have a weakness for having an affair; and that is something you are going to have to actively protect yourself from doing again. I read where you said you have learned your lesson etc...and you and your H have "done the work".

Just a thought...you (by yourself) make an appointment with Steve Harley. If he agrees with you, come back and tell us. Actually we all would like to know if he doesn't agree with you as well. He is an expert. He can tell you why you should do what he feels is best. CSue

SCG;
If you think for a moment that you are protecting HIM, you are sorely mistaken. You are protecting YOURSELF ONLY. It is your fear that drives you to rationalize not telling. Not anything that will happen to him. Nothing will happen to HIM if you tell him.

If you believe that your marriage will prosper and be healthy while you have something to hide, which forces you to be cautious about what you say, when you say it, what comment you make or don't make, to reveal a thought or not...it's up to you. But don't for a moment believe that you will be able to have true intimacy, connection, and honesty; you won't.

Yes, I would want the whole truth and I would ask very specific questions, not only about what happened but why and what now and how does he feel about me? Do you think he will ask these kinds of questions? I would be relieved that there was no sexual intimacy (I hope he will be relieved about that too). To be honest, I don't really think he will leave, we have a good marriage and a great family and he is very commitment-oriented. He will be hurt I know that. I have nothing to hide from him and would give passwords or whatever else he wants. Like I said this happened 4 yrs ago and I have learned how important it is to be loyal and faithful and how rewarding that is. Wish me luck. And thanks again.

Sorry SCG, but the real issue you are dealing with is YOUR insecurity in your marriage. If your M were strong like you say it is, then you should have enough faith in your H to be able to handle the truth. My WW had multiple A's, but the worst part of it all was the lies. It hurt to find out, it hurt more that she lied to me for 3 years. I am glad all-in-all that I now know the truth. It is unfortunate I had to find out SOMEWHERE else than from her own mouth. HAVE FAITH IN YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR MARRIAGE!!!

Maybe it's just me,,,as super dense as I seem to be at times <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ,,,but I don't think I fully understand. You said these incidents occured 4 years ago and your answers (or lack of detailed answers) seem to be a problem for your H. Has this been continual throughout the 4 years or has something recently happened to trigger this again for your H?

As far as providing details...YES, by all means,,give him any and all the answers he needs. I'm sure, in your past 4 years of working on your relationship, you have come across the "Letter by Joseph" regarding providing the "pieces to the puzzle". If you have not,,let me know and I'll find it for you. It fully explains why, as a BS, some of us need all the answers, no matter how trivial they may seem, to successfully rebuild. I know in my case, I wanted to know everything, every detail and continually asked questions until I felt I knew enough and the questions no longer haunted me.

For example, I knew my H took the OW to dinner one time. In my mind, I could picture a valet parking our car (in crazier moments it was delivery by limo <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) walking arm-in-arm into a darkened dining area, reserved table in the secluded corner by the huge bay windows overlooking the ocean. The reality?? The salad bar at Sizzler's with a coupon! In other words, as someone already mentioned, his mind is probably making this 100 times worse than the reality. And your reluctance to provide the truth is emphasizing his thoughts that it must be REALLY bad or you'd admit it.

I know it's hard to put yourself in his shoes and impossible to say how you'd REALLY feel until you actually have those shoes on..but try to understand how you'd feel if the roles were reversed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SoCalGirl:
<strong>Yes, I would want the whole truth and I would ask very specific questions, not only about what happened but why and what now and how does he feel about me? Do you think he will ask these kinds of questions? I would be relieved that there was no sexual intimacy (I hope he will be relieved about that too). To be honest, I don't really think he will leave, we have a good marriage and a great family and he is very commitment-oriented. He will be hurt I know that. I have nothing to hide from him and would give passwords or whatever else he wants. Like I said this happened 4 yrs ago and I have learned how important it is to be loyal and faithful and how rewarding that is. Wish me luck. And thanks again.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He may ask or he may not. I don't know.
But you have made the right decision; and although it will be difficult, in the long run you'll be glad you did.

Best of luck, and come back and tell us.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SoCalGirl:
<strong>I am afraid he will leave me if I do. I ended it as quickly as it started. I don't want to risk my family and everything else. It was a huge mistake and I learned from it and now know how to prevent it from happening. I don't want to hurt him.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You already hurt him and continue to do so by lying to him. Lying hurts. Adultery hurts. And he might choose to leave, but isn't that HIS RIGHT?? Who are you to decide what is best for him? That is up to him to decide if he wants to stay or leave. He cannot make an informed decision without all the facts, because you are cruelly withholding them. You have no right to withhold information about his life and about who he is married to. That is CRUEL and manipulative. Tell the man the truth.

<small>[ August 22, 2002, 09:34 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>