He's been gone for 5 days. I talked to him tonight. He misses our "routines" but not me per say. He says there's a huge sexual problem. It's him not me. (doesnt make me feel better) You see he isnt taking any steps to make things better between us. He's told me things about the way he feels about me that I may never get over. He says he is being honest. He is very calm and unfeeling. I asked if he could take steps to recover our sexual relationship. His answer? I think maybe. UGH It's been 8 weeks since he decided he didnt know if he loved me anymore....after 4 y rs of marriage. I'm still so hurt. And yes I asked him to move out. I couldnt stand the rejection day after day. But it was to be just for space. He will not even keep his cell phone on. I have no way of contacting him. He has the key to our home, and can call me anytime. It's unfair. I think he just wants out but won't say it. We have no kids. Thank God for that. He's addicted to porn. I dont even feel like our therapy sessions are doing anything for us. I was so happy.....I thought we were so happy. He doesnt care anymore. He is not sympathetic or feeling. I've tried to be there for him.....I was willing to take the blame for things. but now I know that was wrong too. Part of me just wants out. But I feel like only 8 weeks in it would be a rash decision. How do I get throught this? How do I know when it is enough? Will he ever want me, love me again? I just need help, I need in put.

Sorry for your pain. Sorry, I have no answers but I hope others can give you advice. Hang in there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Change the locks.

L.

FOAL;
Sounds like you are suffering and confused. Don't blame you, this is a bit strange. But please try to calm down, take it easy and we're going to try to help you.

You should probably start by reading Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts, which describe his overall approach to relationships and marriage.

Have you read about Emotional Needs here at MB? I suggest you check that out first, in the Articles and the Q&A section.

Another section worth reading is Love Busters, in the same places.

Now, tell us some more, please; Is the sexual issue physical or not? Has it been going on long?

What kinds of things has he said about how he feels? Do you think they might be accurate?

The fact that he says he doesn't if he loves you anymore may be telling. Any idea if he may be having an affair? Do you suspect it?

What kind of therapy have you been in? Why do you say it's not doing anything?

There are many things that can be done to understand the problems with the relationship and make changes that can restore your love. Be patient, start reading, and we'll continue to help you.

Hang in there!

<small>[ August 24, 2002, 01:31 AM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

I had no idea any of these feelings were going on. He always said I love you the way you are. I married the woman I want to be with . You are the love of my life.......etc etc. How do you get.......I dont love you anymore and I'm not attracted to you at all, sex with you is not pleasurable for me out of that?
He is addicted to porn. Internet porn. He'd rather look at it and take care of himself than have sex with me. I'm open to anything sexually.....i dont know why he doesnt want me. I'm not trying to be perfect, I just dont know and he's not telling.
We are in marriage counseling. Once a week. He says one thing in front of the therapist, and does something else when we leave. He told me today sorry that this isnt hurting me like it is you. What do I do with that? why does he continue to hurt me with his words? Honestly, this man used to be so kind, so gentle. Even HIS family said they'd never seen him so happy. In fact, they'd talk about the way he "used" to be and I thought well I dont know that man.......he's not like that. Wow was I wrong. After 5 years he's a total different person. He says it's been happening for 2 yrs. I've only been knowing about it for 8 weeks.
he doesnt want to have sex with me......or touch me......he isnt open to me touching him. And yes he was attracted to someone at work, but I found out about it before anything happened. He transfered to get away from her. he says it is over.......nothing physical happened. I dont know what to believe!

Definately read Harley's basic concepts. Pour over plan a and plan B and continue therapy.
Sounds like he is definately addicted to porn.
You need to focus on you right now.
Thought about calling the Harleys?
Keep us informed.
Hugs,
Layli

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Freekonalease:
<strong>I had no idea any of these feelings were going on. He always said I love you the way you are. I married the woman I want to be with . You are the love of my life.......etc etc. How do you get.......I dont love you anymore and I'm not attracted to you at all, sex with you is not pleasurable for me out of that?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you talked about this at therapy? What does he say? What does the therapist say?

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are in marriage counseling. Once a week. He says one thing in front of the therapist, and does something else when we leave.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you mean? About the sex, or somehting else?

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He told me today sorry that this isnt hurting me like it is you. What do I do with that? why does he continue to hurt me with his words? Honestly, this man used to be so kind, so gentle. Even HIS family said they'd never seen him so happy. In fact, they'd talk about the way he "used" to be and I thought well I dont know that man.......he's not like that. Wow was I wrong. After 5 years he's a total different person. He says it's been happening for 2 yrs. I've only been knowing about it for 8 weeks.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He says what has been happening for 2 years? The feelings? the sexual problem? anythuing else? How come you only noticed it 8 weeks ago?

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he doesnt want to have sex with me......or touch me......he isnt open to me touching him. And yes he was attracted to someone at work, but I found out about it before anything happened. He transfered to get away from her. he says it is over.......nothing physical happened. I dont know what to believe! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's very hard to know what this could be, if it's not an affair, it seems this would be some psychological issue, but I'm not an expert. This type of behavior DOES present itself when there's an affair or there WAS an affair.
And if that is the case, you need to work through it.

Did you read about Emotional Needs? Do you think he'd help you with that by filling in the Emotional Needs Questionnaire? That could help guide you towards what he's missing or wanting.

<small>[ August 24, 2002, 01:42 AM: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</small>

I only noticed 8 weeks ago because he came home and said these things to me. Why didnt I notice? Because he was very loving......attentive, just like he's always been! I never knew there was anything wrong.
I don't feel like therapy is working because I don't see any changes in him......or the way he is interacting with me. I don't see him making little day to day changes other than getting more hostile with me.
We are not living under the same roof right now. It hurts me.......even though I *did* tell him to leave. He says he's sorry this separation isnt hurting or upsetting him like it is me.
I have read the basic concepts of this website. We are both reading Fall in love, Stay in love. Trying to figure out how to reconnect with each other. It's hard. Esp when he doesnt seem willing to be with me or call or allow me to call. It's only been 7 days since he left..and he isnt missing me. It hurts. I miss him terribly.
I think the fantasy of sex is enough for him right now. We haven't had sex in over a month. He doesnt have access to the computer to see porn. I'm sure he can buy a magazine......but I can't think about that right now.
I"m trying to find it in myself to love me. I'm scared taking this time to do that may leave our relationship unattended. I honestly was happy. He was happy......no one can act that well. This woman came on to him......he wondered why he could talk with her so easily if we were so happily married. So now he is doubting the foundation of our relationship.
I can't get a grasp on it. I don't understand it. I j ust know I"m hurting. And it will never be the same.......ever.