Hi,
Well I don't know about wise but I sure feel old!!! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Let's see I think after all we have all been through if we haven't learned a thing or two we need to have our heads examined. But we have learned and because I received so much help and support when I came here last year, I share when I can.
For me, I learned that I could not control the WS. I so wanted to keep him from harming himself and his family and I even put all of us at risk in trying to help him. Then I had to learn not to help him and this turned out to be the right kind of help for him.
So now to your question about not falling into the blame trap. It is a common WS tactic to blame the BS, children, parents, dog, boss, whatever or whoever they can in a desparate effort to lessen their guilt. My WS even tried to match me up with an old family friend (divorced guy). Ws said he would feel better because he knew this friend would take good care of us. Well whose job was it to take care of us? The H but not the WS.
Then the Ws blamed me for pushing him out to have the A. Now that took me by surprise. During the shock of the A, I was slammed with accusations from the OW and WS about my being an abusive mother, having an A with my FIL, sqandering the Ws' money, making him fail in his business ventures, feeding my family sick food, working too much, etc.
Oh yea, they got one of those accusations right......I worked about 65- 95 hours a week for over 5 years. New company, new product, QA, user, interfaced with R&D, clients, sales, implemenation, customer service agents, gov agencies, training, etc. Hm.... maybe it was more hours!! LOL
The rest was pure baloney. But the WS had to paint a bad picture. Now while the WS did not say everything, he fueled it enough so that in my case an old OW with an overreactive imagination and bad PMS spells just had a field day and made up stuff.
Cheeze, I was so bad that if you read her e-mail descriptions of me, I should have been in the klink and locked up in solitary in a straight jacket. But I wasn't and guess where the Ws is not. He lost his WS title and is now just an H and much happier. Of course we are in big debt and slowly crawling out.
So after the shock of d/d and the pain of the hurt over the loss of the M, I slowly (thanks to many including many here at MB), slowly learned how to deal with the WS and OW's psycopathic ploys.
1. I learned to babble (A type of conversation - which makes no sense to most people).
2. Learned not to wait for the WS to turn around.
3. Learned to call the WS bluffs.
4. Learned to look the WS in the eye when speaking with him.
5. Learned that I was NOT a bad person.
6. Learned that I did have control of my life and in time so did others....even the OW.
7. Learned not to let even the OW control me. This allowed me to better myself. Gave me the incentive to move forward.
8. Learned that I had control to better myself but for the M to survive, well that had to take the effort of both. I could not carry a WS and force him to work with me on the marriage. I needed to be married to an H not a WS.
Now to the regaining control:
1. When the Ws would babble about stupid illogical stuff, finance problems that I could not fix, problems with people or things that I could not fix, I would ignore him or tell him to go tell the OW.
2. I worked hard and was dilligent in paying the bills. I am very resourceful and it was proved in a short period of time that I had better control of our homelife than he did. I mean who looks better - a man living in a rented room with strangers or a woman struggling to keep the family home and paying even his bills, I even paid his medical coverage and auto insurance. After a while I setup an account for his credit cards (his business and personal that was not used by me) on a debit management program gave him info and told him he was on his own.
Bascially, I learned not to take his responsibilities and did not count on his contributions, though I held him fully accountable for his portion of childcare expenses. I learned what were my financial rights according to our state laws. I did a background check on the OW (very interesting), prepared myself as best as I could for the worst and would periodically plant seeds of doubt in the WS' mind.
All that eventually paid off. The OW showed herself to be a bad choice without me having to do much more. There were times where I got weak. I miscarried 1 child during this time but instead of getting weak, I got stronger emotionally. I posted here relentlessly day and night. I worked long hours and spent the rest of my time with my child. I built a good support group and surrounded myself with care and love. I helped others and others helped me.
The WS and OW saw me stand on my own. It eventually scared the OW and she did not like the fact that the OW could not control nor predict my actions. That also empowered me.
Then I learned how to make them jump and used that to my advantage but not for the wrong reasons. Vengence was never my motive. Survival was.
Hope this kinda answers your question. Sorry for being so long winded. LOL! ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
L.
