<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:24 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AD:
<strong>So, the big Question:
Should I ignore this and go ahead with the house purchase, invite her parents (from E. Europe) for a long visit etc. etc. - be the good H - even though she told me plainly just tonight that she doesn't love me? Or should I stomp my feet, threaten divorce etc. She told me tonight that she was afraid of the house purchase, because she doesn't think it will make her happy and it won't make her love me. (It's a really nice house, though).

BTW. I/we have a house already, but she doesn't like this one and refuses to live here.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is my 2¢ ... Love is a choice and you can't buy love. If you buy the house 'cause of her ... don't, it is a common sense. Also should not use your snooping to confront her, she will denies it anyway. Go back and learn plan A ... weed out the excuse from the real problem in M ... and work on it.

Depending on which state you live ... W will get 50% and posibilities of sharing it w/ OM.

Short answer is don't ... work on your M first ... unless this is part of your plan A. Even w/ part of plan A, you already showing her your intention and she tells you to back out. Use her reasoning and back out of it, you have accomplish your plan A goal on this.

Sorry I have to go to bed but don't compete on ENs that you already have won but compete on ENs that OM is fillin.

-RH-

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Are you guys in any sort of counseling? Of course she feels like she may not love you - she is still missing something with you that she is allowing OM to fill. Even if you are capable and trying to fill that EN, she is not allowing you to because she is allowing OM to do it.

I think you both need to decide if you want to put effort into seeing the potential of your marriage. Don't ask if she loves you, or if she thinks she can ever love you again, ask if she'd be willing to put forth effort to see what potential is really in your marriage.

Keep plan A'ing, and eventually work your way to NC. It appears that your wife has some sort of inclination that money and good looks (i.e. nicer home) is a sign of a well grounded family. It could be that she never had it and feels that if she had her childhood would have better, like others around her. Or, maybe she did have it in her eyes and she feels that's what she needs in retrospect for her family to grow and prosper. Does this make any sense? I hope it does.

In any event, I guess if you can really afford the house, there wouldn't be to much harm if that's what you want to do for her. Are you planning to sell the other house? As for the in-laws: most of us have our indifferences in regard to our ILs. You are right in wanting to do this for her. I think she will appreciate it. Also, it would be good for your daughter to be able to meet her grandparents and spend some time with them. Sure, they have their quirks, but don't we all. You heart is definately in the right place with this one. If you do do it, don't dwell on the issue of them not paying to come ect., do it for your wife, for your daughter, for them, for YOU. What I mean by the YOU is that I bet once you see them all together and how good it is that they have that chance, you will feel good inside too.

I hope this helps some. Take care, and good luck on your decisions.

AD:

Absolutely do not purchase the house at this time. She is trying to rekindle the relationship with the OM. It sounds like she wishes to use you. Her behavior is not one who wishes to be in a committed relationship.

My girlfriend is an interpreter who speaks and writes French, Russian, Polish, English fluently.
If you wish you can send me the Russian messages and she will translate them for you.
My address for this is: davispb@hotmail.com

I wish you luck.

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD,

Call SH ... get advice from the pro. and about the expenses ... if you are willing to pay the house plus to bring her family here ... SH's fee is nothing compare to that. I talked to SH many sessions and still not even a quarter on what I spend on my lawyer's retainer fee.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>So, is not buying a house - which she has told me over and over again is very important to her - part of "plan a"? Plan A is about meeting the other person's needs while avoiding LB's. You can put it in terms of "improving yourself", but those improvements are specifically targeted at your spouse. If your spouse doesn't think it is an improvement, then it's not "plan a".</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are a very quick learner <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... you get it right. Focus on you to show your ability to meet her ENs.

I sugest you read more on HNHN & SAA and also go through Basic concept & understand well MB.

This is my 2¢. The key of fullfiling M is "caring love" and "in love". The key of "in love" is willing. If your W is willing to care (fillin each other ENs), protect (avoid LBed), spend quality time and honest (no thing to hide) ... "in love" will come. You will understand when you read HNHN ... However you can't "teach" your wife ... you have to let third party to talk to her. Also it seems that you are willing to compete w/ OM.

This is my sugestions if you want your M and rebuild it w/ fullfilling one ... Call SH to make appt. meanwhile you fillin ENQ & LBQ for your wife. Guest the best you can ... the order of EN is not important and you only need the top 5. Plan A'ng your butt off. If your W's EN is the house and bringing family here and you know that you have to do this knowing that your M might not work out ... it is your call. I am leaning toward for you to do it but ... talk to SH first. I am curious on what his advice is.

Good luck -RH-

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:22 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:22 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD,
I certainly wouldn't buy a house for someone who claims she is not in love with you and doesn't want to live with you and is not finished with the OM.

Perhaps she wants the house for herself and OM? Do you want to buy a house to facilitate her affair? How are you going to feel when she boots you out and brings in the OM, because that is very likely? I think it would be pure folly to commit to such a huge legal purchase when your marriage is on very shaky ground.

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:23 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Hi AD
I have been following your question since you posted it yesterday...you have a very unique situation since there is an "out of country" element to it.

My 2cents is to not buy the house and not to burn any bridges just now, either. Can we talk you out of it (making any decision regarding Divorce)?

Have you considered paying for a flight for your Wife to visit her parents instead of them coming here? Does seeing them mean they MUST come to the USA instead of vice versa? Or is there concern about your child going out of country?

And I think you're jumping to a conclusion about the MB counseling. I felt like I was more focused and accomplished more in my 50 minutes with SH than I did in 8 counseling sessions with our local counselor. Why not invest in one session to have someone who's experienced in spousal communication/manipulation/etc.. give you his opinion? I think insight to your original question can be given by a pro fairly easily.

Anyway, good luck!

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:23 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:23 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Hi

Have you read Surviving an Affair I suggest you get imediately. It will better prepair you for her next move. Most affairs dir of natural death.

You just consentrate on her EM what OM IS MEETING THAT YOU ARE NOT.

AD
Glad to hear you're reconsidering things. If you can hold out longer, that would be best <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But that brings back the question of buying the house or not... What are you going to do?

Keep us updated! You're in my prayers.

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD,

Thanks for the detail ... I don't know about you but if I were you and W knows about HNHN & MB and still not working on M .... I will do "tough love". Why ... look at Harley Sr. answer if his own W is cheating on him, he will Dv her. The key in here is intentions. You are wonderful man and willing to do a great distance to show your love ... and your W is rejecting you and manipulating you. You have to be strong and if W didn't love you ... take your best to someone else ... there are plenty of woman will be glad to have you.

I agree w/ bryanp in this case, I didn't know that both of you knew MB.

-RH-

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>