<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

I took a quick read for updates before I went out running this morning.
Taking dinner over to her apt. and being with her and your daughter was a great thing to do!

It does appear as if your wife has more than a "manipulative" personality, and is not at a stable point emotionally (at least currently) for "tough love". Chemical imbalance? bi-polar? Something, anyway.

Would she ever see a doctor or counselor for that? To help her be a better mother? Could you use that tact (for your daughter's sake) instead of "marriage counseling" for her?

Your being the "safe guy" is a great thing too. And it's good you recognize it - that's one need you can meet (although it may take a toll on YOUR emotions sometimes).

And I still recommend a couple of appointments with SH to bounce some of your thoughts off of one who's more experienced.

Hope your week goes well.

AD;
Have very little time now, but I did want to drop in. I'll come back later.

Stay strong!

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Dear AD:

I have not posted to you before, but I have followed your posts. You are a good man. I have a question for you. What do you get now and what do you honestly expect to get from this marriage in the future? I believe your W used you to get out of a bad situation and is telling you exactly what her plans are going to be. Listen to her.

I am not an attorney but with her background why do you not think you would be awarded custody? She has been suicidal. She is a flight risk. She has another man. Do you honestly believe she is the best person to be raising your child?

Even Dr. Harley states not all marriages should be saved. Why would you get even more involved financialy with her and her family?

I am sorry to sound so pessimistic but I see nothing good for you and your D. When your D gets older what will she learn from your W? How to manipulate people to get what they want?

With your W's background I am not even blaming her, I may have done the same. I just think it is time to protect you and your D.

I am sorry to sound so harsh.

All my best to you.

Jack

<small>[ August 26, 2002, 09:04 AM: Message edited by: willmakeitwork ]</small>

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD
You say that nothing has fundamentally changed, and that may be so...but what a wonderful occasion to talk to your W rationally about the OM (in the "role" of father)! And it seems like you did a great job, too, being "impartial" and without personal opinions & dislikes creeping in. It was a golden opportunity and you don't know what will come of it in the future. You handled it with a lot of grace. That rocks!

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:28 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD,

I am pretty certain I have communicated with you before. This has been going on for years and one has to ask the obvious question. If OM has no redeeming values, and he doesn't, then why is she seeing him? Is it love? I don't think so. Is it escape? I do think so.

She has told you in the past and you have confirmed again here, that she married you so she could become an American citizen, and that when she does become one she will divorce you and marry someone else (perhaps OM). I doubt she will marry OM, but she will find someone.

She hasn't change a single thing about her approach. She is using you for all she can. Now she does have a bit of conscience, so she is a bit remorseful for hurting you, but it hasn't stopped her.

AD, this one isn't going to work for many reasons, but one of them is that she looks at you as a "Sugar Daddy" not an H. She always has and no amount of Plan A/Plan B is going to change that. She appreciates your good qualities, but she wants something else in her life.

I would strongly recommend that you get with an attorney, because I suspect your understanding of child visitation and such is not correct. I would strongly consider getting out of this marriage, because it seems you are no more to her, than the people that took pity on the OM and gave him a place to stay and a junker to drive.

You have been here for quite awhile and nothing has changed. I will say one thing: under no circumstance should you buy a house for her, it is simply bribery and it won't buy you what you are wanting in a marriage.

Most people who I have posted to know I am pretty pro-marriage, but I really and honestly don't see how your situation can be fixed unless SHE changes her mind about many things. I do think the age difference is indeed working against you. Your W is far more pragmatic about this than you are, as she seems to be about many things.

I hope that something I have said is of some use. I realize it isn't the message you wanted to hear.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:28 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD,

Rule of snooping ... don't take the info. you gain against your WW. It is to measure your progress of your plan A. Don't rush and don't judge ... wait until Tuesday session.

In plan A ... don't expect anything in return !.

Reading from your post, you seems fillin 2 of her ENs ... financial & conversation. Do you know what are her top 5 ENs ? ... what are your plan to fillin it ?. What are her LB'ed list ... maybe playing Dad is an LBed for her. Do your homework before Tuesday sessions !. I usually have list of updates and questions written down.

-RH-

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD,
I don't have much to add, really. JL and Redhat, as well as others, have advised you well.

I would ask one question; do you really feel there's something here for the future, or are you in denial?

If you are not in denial, let her go; Plan B her and see if she'll return. While you continue to provide her with the EN fulfillment and she continues to dream of the OM, you will never be able to really know...will you?

I'm sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear, but it seems to me you've allowed her to be on the fence for so long, still hoping for a "magic bullet" (the house) that will magically "fix" everything, that you can't be sure what you really want or what she wants.

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD,

Don't expect anything and check w/ your lawyer on your rights. I really do think that you either go to plan B ... she is expert by now try to manipulate you ... or learn to take advantage toward to your situation. Listen, she strings you along ... strings her back. Take your time to look for property <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ... meanwhile wait it out ... don't say definite yes but don't say no. Let her guess where you are heading. Your appt. w/ SH is not far off.

Make sure you have updated ENQ & LBQ of hers by guessing for SH. Also, you should have list of action of your plan A ready too. IMVHO ... get plan B letter draft up, SH might ask you to go to plan B and you could read it/fax it to him.

Meanwhile do nothing ... it is the hardest part for BS to do.

-RH-

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:30 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

I do hope you seek out an individual therapist to understand your lack of self-esteem and self
worth. It would seem that only a maschoist would still be in any type of relationship with this woman since it is so clear that she is using you.
Telling you that she would like you to go to your separate room in your new house so she could be away from you is too much. You seem to be in total denial. It is sad that you think you deserve so little in your life and are so grateful for any tidbit of kindness that your WW throws your way. It seems there certainly would be a grateful woman in the future to be with you.
You are wasting your time, energy and love on someone who simply wishes to use you for her own financial purposes. She clearly has no respect for you. At least have respect for yourself. You have a brighter future if you will only allow it.
I wish you luck.