Hi AD
I know that it's difficult to focus on work when there are thoughts -and especially questions about your future- going on in your head about your marriage. Some people are much better able to compartmentalize than others. But try, not for your W, but for YOU. You've been without work and you now have a great job, remember that! Go forward, not backwards <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And it was probably good to not go running at her beck and call...that was a manipulation attempt on her part.

Hope you can rest and have a more productive day in "the salt mines" tomorrow!

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:30 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD,

You want a woman's opinion? Well if you do, please continue. I read most of this thread and find that your W is using you.

She wants stability and security not just for herself but her family. You are proving that by caring for her nephew. Very common trend with immigrants. My grandparents migrated here from the Orient in the 1920s. They worked hard and some of their family did come over. So please understand this is not a prejudice statement. However, greed takes many forms.

She wants a house to eventually sell and get her own place. Sounds like she is using your financial ability to secure her future without you. She says she doesn't love you. She expects you to buy her a house because she already told someone she was going to get a new house (not good enough reason). She still expects you to take care of her nephew.

So if you move toward plan B, you may need to withdraw your support for even her family. They maybe using her to use you also.

Be careful.

L.

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:31 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:31 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:32 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AD:

She came by this afternoon - walked in. After the usual greetings and admiration of our daughter <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , W started asking if I had done various things which I had said I would do.

W "Did you talk to nephew about his studies?"
me: "no."
W: "Did you go with him to buy his books?"
me: "no."
W: "Did you call the real-estate agent and arrange to see some houses today?"
me: "no."

W: "I wish I hadn't come here."
me: "I didn't ask you to come."

W walks out.

So, that's the action for this afternoon. I expect she will call this evening.
---------------------
I might even send her nephew home and save myself another $10K/yr - but that would be a little extreme.

-AD[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AD, it's never dawned on me before....

Where did you meet this woman? I hope I never meet anyone from there.

Dawned on me because I once dated a man whose wife had, in my opinion, used him for the same reason your wife may have married you.

After 2 years of marriage, they can keep their permanent resident alien status, I think. If she is a non-citizen with a naturally born US citizen child, she's even safer here.

You have been her ticke to the American Dream.

And if you're nephew is not responsible enough to study, guess whose life that messes up. He's old enough to work and contribute. And old enough to be responsible for his own grades. And there are plenty of college students from other countries who manage their own living arrangements, their own money, their own grades without draining someone who is trying to hold on to a marriage.

I think maybe you need a reality check.

I DO NOT think you should buy the house. Considering w is in school and probably not working and you have been out of work for a year and have recently just returned to work, are you sure you could get a mortgage on ANOTHER house.

If you want to hang on to the marriage you may need to get some, what's the word for those spherical organs, and tell the woman she has a house. She has one year of rent left. And then she's out or she's home and working on the marriage. Then spend the loan origination, house inspection money, and the associated house purchasing costs on some counseling.

And if your w is embarrassed by her house, she can just work on her issues with a counselor, herself.

As for the counselor dwelling on wife's childhood, they have to establish a relationship with the client and have a smattering of an idea where the client is 'coming from' so I wouldn't worry about that.

But it sounds like she doesn't know your name is not "MAT".

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:32 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

The word is spelled 'dysfunctional."

I don't care how many times you edit your post, it's still spelled "dysfunctional" and I am not merely correcting your spelling.

I've been supportive of you in the past, but I think you've been suckered in. And, sadly, I think you may like playing the martyr to this woman.

AD,

The biggest key to fight for your M is keep your taker at bay while letting your giver loose. Meaning plan A, plan A & plan A. It is hard and you are the only one know how far you should or should not go ... for your own recovery down the road. However I am glad that you didn't do anything in the rush while waiting for appointment w/ SH.

Take what your W gives you and learn how to be a skillfull taker (say no if they could hurt you) ... I assume you are a giver in this M.

I just don't want to come between you & cinderella but think for a moment ... we are all here try to give our 2¢ ...take what you need and for advice get the proffesional's. Don't get me wrong, I am an immigrant myself and still holding green card.

-RH-

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:33 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

Here's my 1/2 million dollars' worth.
In May of this year I purchased a 1/2 million $ home with my H, the so-called reformed WS who said we were going to spend the next 20 years in that house raising the family. Two months later, I'm hearing the same speech all over again- leaving me to be with her....so now we're greatly in debt when we weren't before.
My suggestion to you...if you're asking the question, maybe you shouldn't be doing it.

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:33 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD
I'm not being nosy; no details are needed, but I remembered you were going to talk to SH today. Hope he was of some help in your very unique situation! I feel a little bit responsible since I recommended you call him.

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 05:33 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

AD
I'm sorry you didn't wait just a couple more minutes to talk to SH. He ran behind with me too, but I still got the full 50 minutes. That is probably why subsequent clients start late. In fact, our local counselor with two PhDs always ran late too. I'm not trying to make excuses, but wondering if you were a little hasty in judgment?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but I have concluded (I hope concluded) that I'm not going to find anything useful here and I need to spend my time in other ways.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Spending time in other ways is great. I'm sure you realize people are here because we're all going through similar circumstances and can offer support, suggestions, feedback, and very humble opinions. If you ever need any of those, you know where this board is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Her most important need right now is to find inner peace. I can't give it to her, even if I have it. That is frustrating.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right, we all need to find inner peace in our own way. It IS frustrating to the parents, spouses, and friends of those who don't have that very precious thing which should be a foundation in our lives.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But, knowing what I can't do anything about allows me to focus on the things I can do something about. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen! I hope things work out for you both!