Hello first i would like you to know that i am a christian woman who whole heartedly loves the Lord and knows with God all things are possible. I am a good person, wife and mother of 2 boys. Over 5 years ago with many reasons I couldn't list them all I strayed, and ended it hopeing to never let my husband know just live with it myself and never repeat it. Well I have never done it again and he did find out. I told him over three years ago and although it was hard we have gotten through it and been closer than ever and very happy. We have been through so much together and stayed through because we both love eachother our family and God! Just last week the other man walked in to my husbands place of employment looking for a job and acted wierd and my husband saw him for the first time. I havent seen or talked to the man since. Well now my husband is very angry. I just dont know what to do. He told me last night that he isnt giving up and he is trying and seemed to be a little softer. My husband is coming home every night yet it is a little later than normal, but he has done this before when we had trouble. It seems to be his way of thinking through and not rushing into rash decisions and I understand. But recently I have recieved some advise and dont know if its bad or good. The advice has come from someone who doesn't know my husband, and she thinks even to a point that this is all to wierd and he might be making it up so he can have an affair. They don't understand why he is so mad after knowing and getting over this and being happy for over 3 years. But I just dont wish to labor those thoughts because they can only bring me down. I have to believe my husband when he says if he would have done that he would have done it by now. Until I would have proof I can only believe him and do what the Lord wants me to do to try to help us through another rough spot in our marriage. I would very much appreciate your prayers and any advice for a woman who has made it her life work to be the best christian mother and wife possible. Thank you so much

Hi Angela and welcome to the board. It's apparent that this is your first post but have you been around here for awhile? Have you read the concepts and other info available? Did you see a counselor when your H found out about the affair? Do you know about Plan A and how to implement it?

I can understand your H's behavior, if he didn't deal with his feelings at the time. The appearance of the OM, especially at his place of business, may have brought all this feelings back to the surface, just as if the affair happened yesterday. Have you read "Surviving an Affair"?

There's never any excuse for having an affair but often there are reasons why they happen. You seem very remorseful and determined for it never to happen again. I'm sure you really are a very good person and not to excuse what happened, we all make mistakes. The last 3 years do count.

Angela,

What has happened to your H is called a trigger. You H has had his memory triggered by the OM walking into to his place of business and asking for a job. If your H has never seen him before, coming face to face with the man his W cheated with is a real blow. All of his insecurities and fears have just walked through that door.

I realize that you have been a good W since then and you have promised to never do it again, but you made other promises earlier and they were broken. So H has to be struggling with this one.

I would strongly urge you to read the material here, especially about needs and the love bank and love busters. I think you will learn alot.

I would also like to suggest that perhaps you find a sitter for your children one work night, dress up a bit, and go to your H's workplace and take him to dinner. Someplace you two really like, just the two of you. He needs to hear you love him and he needs to know you understand that this meeting with OM was/is real hard on him. In short he needs your support and strength. You could even call him an hour before he is finished with work to make sure he can go out, but do something like that.

I am sure he is struggling with this, I somehow doubt the affair issue. The characteristics don't seem to be there. However, anyone can be susceptible to having one, hence the need for you to help him here.

Hope something I said helps.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you for your replies. I am very remorsefull I dont think there are words to describe how so!! I am trying my best not to be to pushy, and living every day to the best. It is Friday now and since last Thursday he has been coming home around 8:00ish give or take. He has been pretty harsh, yet is softning a little. Last night I asked if he was more mad this time than hurt like last and he agreed, i told him I love him and am so sorry that he is hurting and that I am trying my best and he said ok. I also asked if he is giving up and he said no, and i asked if he was trying he said yes. After he found out the first time 3 yrs ago, he did the same thing like driving around and stuff to think, kindof like he rather would do that untill he calmed so we didn't argue. I understand this, but it is hard on my kids too though and he said he didn't plan on staying away all weekend so that was a plus. he still didn't want me in our room though. The only reason what my friend said hit more so hard, is if I think about it he has been having more stress at work, starting a new plant and all, but we are used to this because the same happened when he started a plant before longer hours untill more people are hired plus he has to stay later to move units and lock up, for a cold hard sign I really dont have one. But she went as far to say maybe he had been contiplating an affair and now with this reason I wouldn't be asking him where he has been and stuff like that, if I think he is mad at me. It hit me really funny ya know. I dont want to think these thoughts and I know i sound hypicritical, but i know if he does i have to deal with it but really scares me to my bones is that he will do this and leave our family that we have both through the years worked through hard times. We have always felt that our family is more important than anything, I feel so for him and wish I could take all his pain. Should I ask him more about my fears of him having affair or should I let the Lord give me the answers in his time. I dont want to say anything stupid to mess us up. I feel so helpless ya know.