I am so sick and tired of hearing this. How is that WS's think this is a valid statement or is it simply my perception?

D will be better off in the end...I will be a better father...I didn't leave her...etc.etc.

What is the best reply to all of this or is it simply to ignore more BABBLE???

In your case Terri, I think there is a little more going on than just "WS babble". I know I said mean things too...but never to the depth that your H has spued at you. Your H reminds me of Honey's. An abuser. He spues forth extreme venom BECAUSE he knows you care and it hurts you. The best thing I can think to do is what I learned in Kindergarten. If a kid is being a bully, you don't give them ANY attention or ANY reaction. Eventually that tactic doesn't work for them any more and they have to find another. I know it hurts...but TRY not to take it personally...because it really isn't! He's a JERK and he's trying to blame all his lifes problems on you. You know better!!!

Hi Hope...thanks for your reply. But does he really hate me this much? It saddens me. Immensely.

That he could never love me again is a harsh reality.

That he directs this venom at me is harsher.

Terrified - I actually have heard those same lines from my husband - (we are getting a divorce) - He always says that he didn't leave the girls he left me - which is very hard to swallow considering all of this affair and stuff came as quite a shock to me. But the sad thing is that I actually do believe that he is a better father now than he was when we were married because now he is actually going out of his way to spend time with the kids and not letting them just be taken care of by me. I think someday he will realize what he gave up - but he is so lost now that I don't know when that will be. I am lucky he is not abusive like your husband but he has his moments. I don't think that you should listen to much of what he says - I think in your husbands case and mine also is that they are trying to blame us for their problems because they are guilty of what they have done to their lives and everyone else involved. I think though you need to stay away from him because he is abusive and you really don't need that - You and I and everyone else here will be ok someday - but as for our WS - only they can help themselves - Good Luck - Stay Strong....

Hateful? yes. Intelligent? Hardly!

You and Daughter are a package deal. He leaves one, he abandons the other.

BRRRRRUUUUUUUWAHHHHHHHHH! (KA's imitation of a foghorn!)

Keep in mind, his hatred is NOT ABOUT YOU, even though he directs it at you. Hatred comes from living incongruently - and he's about as out of touch with everything he stands for as he could be.

How did Steve counsel you to deal with his abuse?

T- Definitely heard the same lines... NOW I backed off lately with no lb's ... basically plan a with distance... last night I got some I love you...s from ws? quite a turn of events.. but then at the same time.. I have ruined my life he says then some put downs and some cuss words all mixed in with the slurring speech since he was sloshed ... had called because 4 yr old was crying to talk to daddy...

they are truly confused and sick,and sad to blame others for their problems.. or the problems they have caused. imature, and hateful.

Dont even listen to his stupid comment, that is all it is. He is messing himself up and is trying in every way to blame you.. ignore it.

Honey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

forgot to add, I hung up on him.. I hung on the phone wanting to hear his nice comments.. but they were so mixed with the mean could not stay on the line...

why were the two of you talking? did he just throw this in while in converstaion about D?
\
H

hi,
your situation as far as OW sounds similar to mine. My H's OW was also in another country, here now. Doesn't it just bug you that your spouse could become so attached to someone they have had very limited contact with. It bugs me. But I am actually glad they will finally be together maybe it will break the fantasy bubble.
Hang in there, you are not alone.
S

Let's forget about fog here for a minute and conentrate on the swamp that your H is wading in and with each step gets deeper and deeper into the sludge on the bottom.

He's fallen so to say....and can't get back up.

He has to have someone to blame all of this on. Unfortunately he has picked you.

You know how I feel about your H.....he pi$$es me off severely. I so see myself in your position about a year ago. My H said things like your H does....he meant every word the moment he said it.....but now says that 15 minutes later he would realize he didn't mean it.....but couldn't take it back for some reason. (he thinks the biggest reason is because it would make him look like a total [censored] and he'd done that well enough already)

So everyone knows your seperated now....and his family knows that he had an A.

So what? What is he so pi$$ed off about? He's gotten what he wanted, right?

Your H has absolutely no idea what he wants. He has absolutely no idea how to handle any of this. He made this situation...and wants YOU to pay for it.

Not gonna happen.....unless you let it.

If he's still coming over whenever he wants....put a stop to it. He chooses not to live there....so when it comes to YOUR house....he plays by YOUR rules.

If he's still seeing D whenever he wants.....put a stop to it. Make a visitation schedule. Not to pay him back mind you...paybacks have no place in situations like this.....but to save you and your daughter from listening to his tantrums.....which is exactly what they are.

He's not getting his way so he's throwing fits.

Terri,
My H said that too. I tried to tell him what was truth in the household without him, but he didnt' want to listent or believe me. When my teenage daughter set him straight that she & her sister WERE LEFT as well all those times and he lied and broke promises to THEM, that he finally got it.

It was very harsh for both of them. But he so much wanted to believe that he wasn't doing such a bad thing to them.

At times we believe what we want to believe, no matter what. I don't think you'll convince him, but perhaps he'll "hear" it from someone else at some time.

You know, the more I think about this, the more I think a strong woman would just look at him, blink for a second and say - you know - you convinced me six months ago. So get over it already - your continued nastiness makes me think you're just trying to convince yourself!

And then go back to whatever you were doing, laughing with the daughter, or washing dishes, or better yet, turn on the vacuum! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> KaylaAndy
Member
Member # 9747

posted August 23, 2002 10:28 AM
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You know, the more I think about this, the more I think a strong woman would just look at him, blink for a second and say - you know - you convinced me six months ago. So get over it already - your continued nastiness makes me think you're just trying to convince yourself!

And then go back to whatever you were doing, laughing with the daughter, or washing dishes, or better yet, turn on the vacuum!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I actually did this at one time. I can still remember thinking that I heard my then WH's jaw hitting the floor.

That was my turning point....where I became stronger and quit taking the crap that was being slung my way.

Just the other day I was walking out of the store with my XWH and we were holding hands and talking about something and somehow the way I USED to act came up.

My XWH made a comment about how I called him a d*&khead once when I was mad at him.....I then made a comment to the affect of....."I don't want you anymore....I'm not sure where you've been".

H had a good laugh about it and said.....I hope to never make you sad again.....or even just a little angry. You've got a mouth like a sailor and I fear the words themselves would probably send me to my grave. LOL

Unfortunately Terri's H tends to use her taking up for herself as a shield.....making it look like she is being "her old self". It's almost a no win situation with him right now.

My children have heard this line also. Must be straight out of the WS handbook.

I have stopped giving my children the "Dad loves you very much" lecture because it just insults their intelligence. My teenage son's view on this is "Mom, if Dad loved us he wouldn't be doing this." Not much more to be said after that.

My little ones are getting the message in other ways. Their father is consistently two or three hours late in picking them up for weekend visitation. He spends his visitation time with them working in the yard or washing his car. I wonder why he bothers picking them up.

No one bought that line when the WS spewed it in our house (not even my 6 yr old son). I also thought it came from the WSU of the A (wayward spouse university) introductory WS handbook.

But that did not stop the WS from babbling that line for several months. I think that when the EA has not gone PA it is kinda like holding it all in and it makes them kinda crazy.

This might sound very crude but please hear me out. Once the WS gets 'laid' and the mystic of the PA is over and done with, well it can't go too far uphill from that point.
It is the anticipation stuff that fuels a lot of that babble.

So I think the silent treatment and reducing the amount he can put blame your way will help difuse his anger.

Here's my 2 cents on responses:

WS: I didn't leave my child, I left you.
You need to realize that and move on.

BS: Oh..... well when you can pull back your yucky genes from this child so that she/he does not have to grow up with your stupidity (like the comment you just made), then I can move on. Now hurry up and remove yourself from this child so that none of us have to be burdened with your dumbness.

NOTE: The above is very similar to what I actually said to the Ws. I think the only part that was different was I did not use the sentence about 'dumbness'. But I did tell him to hurry up.

It is babble.

L.

Orchid your above post cracks me up...oh to be a fly on the wall for that one...besides if I were a fly I could then go puke on the WS and flit away....

Terri,

jab jab, stab stab, detach completely from what he says...imagine that NOTHING he says will shock you or hold any merit...remember that the opposite of love is apathy...not all this anger...he cares deeply somewhere inside...but the fear of facing his own actions is way harder than just hurting you again with words...

Even when we are truly mad at someone..it is usually for specific issues at which we vent, attack, lament, about...then we MOVE ON...on to anything for no one thrives in place of perpetual anger...... onto the next thing we are mad at, or resolution...human nature itself programs us to move away from pain to less...

not this guy he stays where he is...because perhaps really moving away is more painful than having you as his punching bag...you are a safe punching bag...he hasn't detached at all...he reels you in again and again with spewing fog crapola...

it is attention seeking, it is shallow validation.."bad terrified" is his mantra...and he is off the hook...but really going nowhere...

Still he has not filed...hhhhhhmmmmmmmm yet still you will be evil incarnate...hhhhhmmmmmmmm
And still he has no concrete plan on how any of this is better for anyone...just keep on jabbing at you...not a great plan on his part..

Imagine him saying everything mean before he says it...bat your eyelashes...babble back...and then ask if he saw that fly buzzz by.....cause you can do this.....Do not engage or give into his smoke screen....it feeds his belief on justifying pissy poor behavior...that to ever be at peace with himself he will need to face himself one day....
he remains sad as well really really mean...very sad in a "here we go again roll your eyes kind of way...." blah blah blah blah....

peace to you
ARK

Thank-you for all of your replies. I didn't have much time this weekend to compose an update.

I had two birthday celebrations on the weekend. Both were for children of mutual friends. One was a friendship where the husband went to high school with my H. The other was where both husband and wife went to high school with me. However, both asked me to go with my D although my H was always welcome if things "changed". My H insisted that I shouldn't go to his friends...well, I basically didn't back down. I was determined to bring my D and if H wanted to show up, it was up to him. He's decided to DIVIDE our friends but they are not DIVIDING. The invitations came to MY home. In any case, he showed up. Of course, didn't want ME to get the wrong idea. And of course I didn't.

One of the parties ended quite late. H left while D was watching a video so she wouldn't notice. The husband (H's friend) followed me home since it was late and pretty dark on the street.

H fumed. Said that after this, I'm never coming back. Said that I'm out to make him look like the bad guy. I get it already, I thought but hey, you are the bad guy (LOL in secret).

Again Orchid, you made me laugh.

And of course, I hope all of you are right about him in the long run. I just have to learn how to REACT.

Hugs

(((HUGS)))) Terri --

Sounds like you had a good weekend!

So now he wants to say he hasn't left D huh? Just you. (Geeez he's dopey!)

So is he there for her like he used to be? Tuck her in at night? Be there when she has a bad dream?

He doesn't think he's left her huh?

What about if you got remarried and D had a new daddy living in the house with her? Thats when he would see how much he's lost. I'd love to plant those images in his head.

Laugh at him T. You're right -- HE IS THE BAD GUY. No getting around it. Too bad for him!

Hang in there -- keep growing, keep getting stronger!

You're great!

Lex, SO good to hear from you. I'm not so sure I'm doing great but thanks for the vote of confidence.

H had agreed to an appt with Steve on Monday but Steve's office called H to cancel and reschedule until Wednesday...can you believe it??? Then H calls and says to me...you didn't tell me this guy was from MARRIAGEBUILDERS!! I remained calm and said nothing. H continues and promises that if Steve H. digresses, then he'll hang up. But at least, H did agree to the appt, right?

Okay, I say.

Keep your fingers crossed everyone.