I have read a lot of the stories on these pages and can honestly say that, I am looking at my own recient history.My BS and I have been trying for while now to get past my EA and while things run smoothly at home, we both feel that we have hit a brick wall in the progress area. We have tried IC and still in MC, arguements are few and far between, but there is an underlying uneasyness. BS knows I am only in this for the kids and is, I suppose you could say, "accepting it". I am now looking back on the past decade of my life and wondering if I made a mistake a long time ago. I have always had thoughs along these lines but I question almost ever decision I have ever made so never really worried about it. Has anyone ever, is is anyone currently in the position where they are staying with their S only for the benifit of the Kids? The kids are still very young I feel at a crucial stage where both parents are equally important.

IMHO

In the long run....staying in it just for the kids will do just as much if not more damage than getting a divorce or seperating.

Kids are so perceptive these days......they know when there is something wrong....sometimes before us adults do.

I think this also cheats both you and your H out of being truly happy.

If I knew that my H was just in this marriage for the kids......I'd be the one to walk out the door. It's not fair to anyone in the situation....especially the children.

Yes....having both parents is crucial to young children.....but what's even more crucial is that they see 2 loving parents. How else will they learn what a real relationship should be like? If they grow up watching mommy and daddy avoid each other emotionally and pysically then they will adapt to that and have problems in their future relationships.

I don't know how many of my friends have said.....I wish my mom and dad would have gotten divorced when I was younger. They may have been able to find someone that they were truly happy with.

I'm not saying that ALL children that grow up in a situation like this turn out to have nothing but bad relationships.......BUT.....our children learn from us...the parents.....and if we teach them that it's okay to live without love and affection....then they will never really know what it's like to be truly loved.

As I stated before.......JMHO.

<small>[ August 23, 2002, 09:17 AM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

MP is correct. You will eventually make your kids miserable and they may feel forced to take sides in agruments. If BOTH of you have already accepted the fact that either of you cannot love each other again, it's time to accept this and move forward toward happiness for BOTH of you. Your kids will adapt to your new lives and possibly new partners.

If your children are the reason you have decided to stay and WORK on your marriage - great. They deserve at least that much from you. Don't you think?

I have more to say on this subject...but don't have time right now. Back later <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I think that the happiness of the children is also pretty important too, don't you? And that it should be the first priority before seeking one's own happiness.

While they may sense problems in the marriage, that is no reason to rip their lives apart and destroy their stable home. Which is worse, "sensing problems in the marriage" or having your life and heart ripped apart when a parent leaves?

A child's happiness is derived from a somewhat intact home with 2 parents, NOT from the parents "happiness." [no parent is happy 100% of the time anyway,that is a bogus standard] The kids don't give a damn if a parent is "happy," they care about thier own happiness and security which is derived from an intact home with both of their parents.

Have you tried cousenling with the Harley's, they can help you develope a plan that could get you over that wall.

have you read all the related material on this site? Doen the ENs ?'s, read the LB's ?'s etc. all this too may help you over the wall that you feel you have reached.

My H was the WS. He told me in counseling that he loved me, but he was not "in love with me". Have you any idea how painful that is to hear from a person you love and have had children. However I persevered, today he tells me he loves me more than ever, he could not imagine his life without me. The A was the biggest mistake of his/our lives. With that said, the point was were you in love with him? Can you answer that honestly? I have heard of some people who when they decide to leave marriage decide they never loved their spouse. I believe they are in denial, and don't want to acknowledge they did because they would have to look again at their feelings for the spouse they are trying to dump.
If you have children you owe it to them to try, REALLY TRY, to love that person you created them with. Look for good things, lovable things in that person. If you start doing that you might surprise yourself as well as him.
A good friend once told me that love is an action verb. you have to love some one, it does not happen unless you make it happen.
Good luck

TG

I have to strongly disagree with the idea that "staying for the kids" is bad for the kids.

Read "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" by Judith Wallerstein. Her 25 year landmark study showed that children in unhappy families that stayed together "for the kids" were happier than those whose parents divorced.

The conventional wisdom that happier individuals make better parents and therefore happier children is false.

As for me and my husband - we got back together "for the kids". BUT the difference is, that because we decided to stay, we also decided to make it work. So we did. And now we are better than we ever were.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by texassue1:
<strong>Has anyone ever, is is anyone currently in the position where they are staying with their S only for the benifit of the Kids? The kids are still very young I feel at a crucial stage where both parents are equally important.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The short answer is YES. In fact, both my H (the FWS) and I were staying with the other 'only for the kids' at various points during the past 2 years (or at least that is what one or the other of us was saying) since d-day #1.

H said he was only staying for the kids during the A, the resumption of the A, and after the A was over - until nearly a full year after the A was over, actually.

For my part, I wanted to work on recovering the M after both d-days primarily because of our young children (4 and 1 at the time of the A), but also because it was the right thing to do for many other reasons. After d-day and as the months wore on, all those other reasons started to wear thin, until I really was only staying with H because of our children; that probably took 10+ months of H's post-A Fog-induced conduct, but it most certainly happened.

I am glad to say that neither of us is staying with the other only for the children NOW. It did not seem possible to H, at points in the past, that he would feel deeply attached, in love and a real desire to grow old with me; yet, he tells me often that this is how he really, honestly feels. I am staying with H now for many reasons again; yes, for the children, but not only - also because there is too much that is good about our relationship to give up on it, I still believe in my vows, and I am hopeful that we can build a better M together.

I actually think it is completely okay to stay together 'only for the benefit of the kids' for a period of time. If that is all you and your spouse can agree on as a good reason to stay married AND to work at building a better M, then I say hang on tight to that reason. With time and genuine effort, you and your W will be in a better position to assess what other reasons there are to stay together. If after all avenues have been tried and exhuasted (IC, MC, counselling with clergy, applying MB principles, etc.) and there still is nothing keeping you together other than the kids, then you may want to ask yourself this question again. Until then, IMHO, put the question in a box, put the box on a shelf, and work consistently, patiently and genuinely on M recovery. You may be surprised by what your relationship feels like in a year. Stranger things have happened...

Good luck.

Thanks for all your input. Next Question. How do you get over the feeling that your life is an act, your day to day interaction with BS is all acting. I feel like I am leading BS on. I dont want to have these feelings, and is it fair for me to do this.Help.

Hi, Texassue,

Funny you should ask that question because my husband and I have been discussing that very subject.

What brought it about is that we've been reading together about affection and how that's (typically) the #1 emotional need for us women.
Well, my husband, trying very hard to fulfill this need for me, has increased the things he does to show me affection. Trouble is, sometimes, it just seems so fake that I end up laughing (total love bust on my part) and then he gets mad because he's really trying.

I think that until something becomes a habit, its going to seem weird and awkward. But I think its kinda like that principle about acting first and then feelings will eventually follow.

My advice is to keep at it. I know we are. And the next time my husband does something that seems "silly" or uncomfortable, I'm reminding myself that at least he's trying to meet my emotional needs and THAT's the point.

Staying together for the sake of the kids is a damn good reason to stay together. The kids should always come first, and having a mother and father is terribly important. Divorce is worse for children than a 'bad' marriage. (excepting abuse or addiction) Don't ever believe otherwise. (Sorry MP and doogie)

Second, actions follow feelings, but feelings can also follow actions. If you act 'as if' you two are happy and in love, you may just find your feelings following those actions.

Stay together for the children!

ST

THANK GOODNESS my parents stayed married "for the kids".(They are M'd over 55 years now, and still counting) I know they had some really bad times, and that they probably toyed with the idea of divorce more than once ... but, they stayed married for us kids. And more than "staying", they worked harder at their relationship and made improvements in their relationship ... so that today, when their kids are all middle-aged with lives of their own ... they stay for each other and for themselves. They love each other for staying through the difficult times.
YES ...... staying for the kids can be a very good thing. It is standing up for "what is right" when it doesn't *feel so great*.

Determination and dedication and discipline .... some of those old fashioned values really helped make their committment life long.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi there all. Thanks for the wisdom. I am feeling a bit low at the moment and just thought I would keep my brain and hands occupied with keyboard activity instead of telephone comfort. Sometimes I get a flat feeling, like my life is so mundane that no one would notice if I wasn't even here. I know this is only self pity but I still feel it. I definitly feel it in waves, starting with a mild low gradually getting lower, then a point, like today when I just can't be bothered to try. I am not into suicide, although I must confess did think about it a few months ago, not into violence although I do wish I could go out and break something. Today though I couldn't even be bothered to go far a walk. It is strange because we are trying to make a happy M. BS seems happer at the moment, why do I feel so low? We have done some kind things for each other and yet I have this load on my mind that I really dont want this any more, I have no idea what I do want, but I feel like I dont want this. I continueously wonder if this is affecting my work, I believe I am hiding it from the kids, and certainly BS is not saying anything. AAAAAAAAAAgh. What a mess my mind is in.