Last night, WW came over after her volleyball game and we ordered a pizza and ate together. Said she couldn't stay long because she had some errands to run. I have been Plan Aing very well lately and I thought their was some improvement. Unfortunately, last night I think I may have strayed off of Plan A.

I simply asked her in a very calm voice where I stood with her. If she was making any progress, as it is almost 3 months since our seperation.

We ended up having a very lengthy conversation, and when she left, she gave me a hug and a good kiss and said that it was a good conversation. As soon as she left, I jotted down some of her comments and I am struggling to deal with them:

She stated more than once that right now, her focus is on trying to find out if she can love me like she used too. She says that she still loves me, but not like she did when we got married, and she doesn't know if this is enough. Says that she doesn't have that feeling "to want to take you to bed and make love" She doesn't understand why I want her to move back so badly. I tell her I don't know how she is going to fall back in love with me if we live on the other side of town and don't see each other on a regular basis. She doesn't see why she has to move back in for this to happen. I think that if she is back, she will see the changes that I have made, and she will fall back in love with me.

She stated that she started falling out of love with me b4 her A started. I don't know if I beleive that, but I sure wish I would have known at the time.

She tells me that the PA is over. But she still struggles with feelings for the OM. They work together, so consequently see each other every day. She basically admitted that an EA is still going on. Everybody and I mean everybody, has told her how bad this OM would be for her. She seems to be the only one who thinks that he is not a bad person. And she hasn't said this, but I can see her still wanting to be friends with him if we got back together. I cannot deal with this.

She said she doesn't want our marriage to end because of someone else. My response to this was, "Then don't, end the A and make a committment to our marriage. I have already told you that I am committed and I will work my dambdest to make this marriage work."

She said that she is not sure right now if she wants to committ to this marriage. This comment inferiates me. What did she think those wedding vows meant? You just don't decide, I don't want to be married anymore.

I never once showed my anger, as I do not want to push her away, but my emotions did get the best of me as I started to cry. At this point, she started to cry as well. She says she hates to see me cry. That she has only seen me cry maybe 3 times b4 DDay, and we have been together 10 years. I try my best to be composed, but it is hard.

Maybe this wasn't the right thing to do, but I told her that everyday that goes by without any change, or at least a committment to go to counseling, I get closer to just giving up. I told her that I am not at that point yet, but eventually I will get to the point where I will have to give her up to keep my sanity and go on with my life.

Sorry for the long post, but so many things are running through my mind. Is what she telling me just fog jibberish? I would appreciate any advice, even from WS's to help me deal with this and take the next step.

Hi,
2510 I a'm sorry to hear u are in soooo much pain. I think she is in the fog, but on the outher hand it seems like she wants her cake and eat it 2. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> no disrespect by saying this. I know all the wonderfull people in here have told me i have to think on making myself well,as if i don't i can't see clear on anything. And as i know u probably know our friends in here have said read all u can that is in this site, that is very helpfull ad well. And just coming in here to vent is very helpfull. I a'm sorry i really don't have much more i can tell u at this time, but trying to make myself well to. cyber hugs for u.
{{{{{{{ HUGS}}}}}}

{{{{Hug}}}}

You can hold on. Although hard to remember (I surely know) the best advise I received was...Time-Patience-Consistency. One of these days I will take my own advise! LOL!

There are so many things that I don't understand about my WW right now, but one is the "I still love you, but not as much as before". How does love just die? How do I make her understand that if she would just move back and open herself up, that love will come back?

My feelings are so messed up right now. When I am with my WW, I feel the love for her that is almost unbearable. But when we are not together, all these negative thoughts enter my head. I know that some of you on this board are seperated for more than a year. How do you do it? It has only been 3 months for me and it seems like I am almost at my breaking point.

Hang in there, you are doing fine. I know sometimes you don't feel that way, but you are.

As for you crying and telling her how you feel about a breaking point - in my opinion, as a WW, I think that was a good thing. It showed her you have feelings, you care, and you hurt too. You never once seem to have attempted to take away from her feelings, and I'm sure she noticed that.

Now, as for the love thing - you are right, love does not just die. She is lost in her own thoughts right now. It's possible that she may feel that in order to have done this to you she must not love you the way she used to. It's also possible that she is afraid to admit she does or can in the chance that you may still reject her. It's a scary move to make, but be patient with her. Let her know that it's ok to not always have the answers right away.

I hope this helps. You are doing fine. When you feel down or at your end, be sure to post, the people here are wonderful help. Take care.

Princess,
Thanks for your advice. I have read a most of your posts over the last week. I can only hope and pray that someday soon, my WW will be at the same point that you are at now. Maybe you could talk some sense into her. Ha, ha! She sures doesn't want to listen to anyone else at this point.

Just out of curiosity, did you and your husband ever seperate, and if so, how long?

I think Princess hit it right on the head. If they don't love you they can justify what they have done. If they do love you then how can they hurt someone they love?

All I can say is plan A. Take care of yourself and take this time to get your life in order. This helps you and it takes the pressure off you when you are with her. I have eliminated as much stress in my life as I can and I have done things to improve myself, my house and to help others. My life is going pretty darn good as long as I don't let my XW bring it down.

Take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place. The rest of your life is a very long time. Be patient.

We never separated, unless you count this weeks business trip <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , but seriously. . . See, on d-day I snapped to so to speak. I didn't want our son to go through the separation thing and I was terrified that if we did he'd like it and not want to come back. So, I got my **** together and started working at making things right and rebuilding. As I'm sure you have figured, it has taken a lot of work and time to get where I am now, but true enough I am there.

I realize that I may sound different than most WSs, but only in the sense of actions after d-day, but prior to that when faced with his gut feeling and his thought that something was going on I lived fogged and lost and confused. For me it was what transpired on d-day that opened my eyes and made me begin to search for the answers as to how I got to be so lost. One day your WW will do the same, and I pray for the both of you that it isn't too late.

Take care, and if there is anything else I can offer, I'd be happy to. Plus, if your WW is ever interested in talking to anyone else who has been there, I'd be happy to. I realize your comment about talking sense into her was in jest, but I wanted to let you know I'd be willing to talk with her if she desired it. Good luck.

Thanks to everyone for all your great advice. Princess, I hope the day comes when my WW does wake up and is able to talk to someone like yourself.

At this very moment I feel happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I guess I am just excited about the weekend ahead. I plan on working out tonight, and I have an early golf outing tomorrow morning to look forward to.

Once again, thanks for the advice.