ARGH!!

For a week now..I have been fighting off the desire to call the OM....why do I even feel this pull?? I hate this!! I absolutely hate this!!

I hate feeling the compulsion to violate my word....!! I don't want to hurt my H....I don't want to ruin things....so why do I feel this way??? The thought about calling the OM is not so that I can 'relight' any fire...why do I have the need/desire to know how he is?? Why do I care at all? Am I just a bad person who is incapable of doing the right thing on a consistent basis?? That's what I'm beginning to wonder...

And before anyone says that I need to tell my H....forget it...my H is abusive when it comes to anything pertaining to the A...I don't want to be beaten up mentally and emotionally for hours and hours over my 'thoughts'. Each time he is abusive and rages at me....I think of calling the OM even more...

OK folks...I want you to know one thing...even if I were divorced...there is NO future for me and the OM...so it is not about me wanting to continue a romantic relationship with him...good grief...I have no idea what this is about..

I am dying here...I don't want to hurt anyone again...that is why I keep fighting the urge...I am furious with myself for even having an 'urge' over this..

Please pray that I continue to keep making the right decision...I no longer trust myself...

Thank you...

Just keep on coming on here to vent it out. It doesn't matter how many times you post. If it keeps you from calling OM, then type on here 24/7 if you need to!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You are experiencing withdrawal. That's totally normal. ALL addictions have the effect.

My most recent addiction was to smoking. I quit almost 6 months ago now. One of the 'recovery' tactics I read about was to replace that one 'bad habit' with another. My choice was to chew (and suck on! LOL) pretzel sticks. I've never eaten so many in MY LIFE!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> But you know what? It worked. And I haven't had a smoke since March 5th, .... and I've even managed to wean down on the pretzel sticks and haven't had them for over a month.

Let MB be your addiction transfer place if you need it. One of us is always here to listen or give you a hug. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

((((((((((((( YellowRose )))))))))))))

You're doing great!!! Don't try to convince yourself otherwise! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen

Topie25,

Your reply was priceless....it was just what I was needing also...I was so afraid to post...because I didn't want to get flamed...but I was more afraid to 'not post'..if that makes any sense...

I got a good chuckle out of reading about you substituting pretzel sticks for cigarettes...I had this weird image of me sitting here with about a dozen pretzel sticks sticking out of my mouth..and my H walking in and trying to figure out what was going on...while I was trying to mumble through my sticks..."trust me...I'm doing this is for the both of us"...he would think I had finally and truly lost it...and he wouldn't be too far off...

Congrats on kicking the smoking addiction...that is one of the hardest to kick...thanks for the hug..I desperately needed that. I'm grateful that you were the first to respond to my post..and that you responded in such a kind and loving manner...

I want to do the right thing...I'm so afraid I'm going to screw this up again...

I usually just lurk on this board...it has become my substitute for the chat room where I met the OM...like you said..substituting one thing for another...I wish the withdrawal would get over with in a hurry!! It is almost physically painful...I just want to weep...

Thanks again for caring,

YellowRose

YR,

The answer is </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And before anyone says that I need to tell my H....forget it...my H is abusive when it comes to anything pertaining to the A...I don't want to be beaten up mentally and emotionally for hours and hours over my 'thoughts'. Each time he is abusive and rages at me....I think of calling the OM even more... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you need to address that you need to talk to your H, you need something from him and if you don't get it, you start to think about where you could get it... OM comes to mind doesn't he??

If you have the urge to call OM, stop and ask what you want to talk with him about, make a list of the items. Then ask yourself, are these really important? If they are, call your H and talk to him about them. If he asked why you are bothering him, simply tell him you NEED the answers and information NOW, and he is the one that can provide it.

It would be tacky to mention that if he cannot or won't you could call OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But, I think he needs to understand you need his support, not in getting over OM (he is just the crutch), you need H's support to make life have meaning and joy. Tell him that.

You are normal YR, you really are. Sad isn't it? But, true.

In someways my recommendation is similar to dieting. When dieting and one has a craving to get something to eat, what you are supposed to do, is stop and ask what is it I am REALLY hungry for, sweets, fat, carbs, what?? Then if it is sweets instead of going for the sundae get a piece of hard candy.

Now I am not comparing your OM and your H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But, that is how you need to address this. The urges will come and go depending on how you are feeling, find an outlet. The one most recommended is speaking with your H.

Hang in there, you can and are doing this.

God Bless,

JL

I'm glad I could help. And I gotta admit... I REALLY got a good laugh out of your imagined pretzel picture! Definitely PRICELESS!!! ROFLMAO!!!

It's true... you will get 'flamed' sometimes. If ever it does happen, try not to take it TOO personally. WS's frequent these boards less than BS's. So if anything, your input (as long as you are trying to repair and sustain your M <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) is appreciated all the more. So often, us BS's are trying to figure out what the WS is thinking during certain situations... and since you can empathize with that... we need you all the more!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I have to go and see what trouble my 3 yr old is getting into. It's awfully quiet upstairs!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Karen

Hi Yellow Rose

I know exactly how you feel as a WS - I am still in withdrawal and cry every day. Funny thing is, I'm not sure why I'm crying - I miss OM, and talking to him and seeing how he is, but he's doing fine (or not) re-builidng with his wife and 4 kids, and then it goes again. He is not mine to worry about, let his W and children do that.

I also know about angry H's. My H was nearly in a frenzy in MC session the other night because I had to admit to our C that OM had met my SN and EN during the time of our A, so I don't even go there.....

The advice here you get is great, and what for me has been the best thing is that noone has judged me harshly for being such a lying, cheating, monstrous, awful person. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

I too smiled at the pretzel thing - I'll have to think of a UK equivalent to replace the pretzels! Also, JL is a very, very wise person, and if there are other things you want to talk about, make that list and talk to your H.

For me, I suppose I'm not beating myself up quite as badly as I first did. Still hate looking in the mirror and wondering who that person is looking back at me. Still hate wondering how OM is doing without me, whether he misses me or not, whether he still cares. Still hate fighting with my BS and having verbal absue thrown at me and wish I could make him feel better, but just can't. Still hate loads of things really, but love coming here and being able to say it without being judged or condemed.

Sorry, this is more about me than you, but the feeling will pass, stick with the pretzels - may make you gain a few pounds, but surely a lot better for your health and well being in the long run than contacting OM!!!

JL - Yes, you are right that I need to be able to talk to my H..and that I have needs that are not being met. I can handle alot of my EN's not getting met without thinking about the OM..but you are right that when things are tough...or certain EN's aren't being met..that I think of the OM...the odd thing is though...the OM can't meet most of my EN's anyways..so why am I thinking of him? Maybe just a distraction...or a temporary fix...I'm not sure...I feel like I have 'thought this whole thing to death' sometimes...

I need to deal with the issue of why I feel any need to know how the OM is doing...I can't afford to know..or even care how he is doing. I don't want to hurt my H any more than I have at this point...I would love in some ways..to be able to call H and say "listen, I'm really missing the OM right now..and I don't know why...maybe I'm missing the way I felt when I was first in the relationship with the OM...but I don't want to mess us up...so I'm calling to let you know.."...

Wouldn't he feel like he is playing 'second fiddle' to the OM once again? Like he's my second choice..and not my best one according to the feelings I'm stating? I don't wanna rub dirt in an open wound...I just feel like I'm being secretive here...however, I guess it goes back to the whole topic that took up one of Spacecase's threads..the topic of secrecy versus privacy...what are secret thoughts versus private thoughts? If we all went around verbalizing every little thought in our heads to our spouses..man, some of us could be in trouble...lol...(ex. Honey, your hair looks hideous!)

BS's - how would you feel...if your WS had been really committed to making your M work..and had met tons of your EN's..and made lots of deposits in your love bank..and then called you to tell you they had been thinking about the OP..and were missing them? Would this make the whole issue of trust, insecurity, and anxiety raise its ugly head??

JL - I appreciate your encouragement. I will continue to strive to do the right thing..

Topie25 - I'll never look at pretzels the same way again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'll try not to take the other stuff personally.....if I can help any BS..or WS...I'd be glad that something good could potentially come out of something bad...hey, did you find out what your 3 yr old was up to?

Best Regards!

YellowRose

YR,

You don't need to call him and tell him you were thinking about OM. You need to call him and talk to him about the things you would have talked with OM about. Do you see the difference?

OM is a crutch, and what I suspect you are looking for is emotional connection. You had it with H, lost it, found it with OM, and now are in the process of letting that connection die. But you need a new one, and your H is the person to reestablish the connection with.

So when you have the urge to call OM. Stop think about why and what you would talk about, and then call your H and talk to HIM about these same things. Or other things. You will find that as you do this you will become more emotionally attached to H. That is what you are looking for in my humble opinion. Plus you may not realize this but the addiction analogy used here is not really just an analogy. There are chemical stimulii that occur when you are with someone you care for. It takes awhile for the brain not to respond that way to the stimulii of thinking about the OM. It is that pleasure feed back thing.

So, when people here talk about an addiction, they aren't kidding. You could try the pretzel thing for the OM as well as cigs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Really you could.

I don't know what to recommend to Lisa being in the UK. Now I am fond of toffee and shortbread <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> so I could see me gaining a bunch of weight over there.

Does this make more sense?

God Bless,

JL

YR
You might want to think about going to IC if you are not already. It might help you identify why you want to contact the OM when it seems to serve no purpose. An IC might be able to illuminate the fears, wants, and needs that drive you to want to contact the OM.
A Psychologist really helped me identify the fears I had when my WW left me at the altar (Sometimes I wonder if I belong here since I was not really married, but my life my relationship with my almost WW has followed a very similar track to that of so many others on this forum.)
Take heart, you are being strong in not calling the OM. So continue to be strong, continue to be true and you will do fine. There are no easy roads and unfortunatly you cannot "skirt" the pain. I hope for you the best, my prayers are with you.

I think the problem with us WSs is that we endeavor so hard to really believe and portray that we think the OP is such an awful, terrible person. They are people the same as us. We shared something with them; we shared a part of us with them. As hard as it is for the BS to hear that, it is true. Although we may wish we had not shared anything with the OP for the fact that we love our BS and regret the pain we have put them through, we cannot dismiss it that harshly.

The BS is entitled to feel their own feelings and resent the OP and think as much evil about the OP as they need to heal. The WS should encourage them to feel their own feelings and be understanding and accepting of their feelings as theirs. However, the WS should approach it differently. Instead of trying to PUSH and ERASE the thoughts and feelings and negate them, we should look at it as a chapter and learning experience that is time to close. We should not force ourselves to feel the way the BS feels. I don't think they really ask that of us. No, I think they just want us to be remourseful and see the wrong in what we've done. To feel and give justification to their pain and feelings. We don't have to feel the way they do. We do need to accept that the relationship with the OP was destructive, wrong and should not have happened - period. This does not dismiss any other of our responsibilities in rebuilding. We need to let go of that chapter, close it and learn from it.

I hope this makes sense and helps some. I'm not sure how clear I am though, so I do hope it helps. My best to you, take care.

Lisa In London:

Thanks for taking time to reply...I had been following your thread you posted the other day about your first MC session...my heart ached for you...and for your H...but particularly for you...as you noted...we can empathize for each other. I was glad to hear that your H decided not to move out for now!

Lisa, I hope you know that you are not an awful, terrible, monstrous person! Good people make bad decisions all the time...some decisions are worse than others...our A's were definitely a bad decision...from what I can tell from your posts..you seem like a good person to me!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am still in withdrawal and cry every day. Funny thing is, I'm not sure why I'm crying - I miss OM, and talking to him and seeing how he is, but he's doing fine (or not) re-builidng with his wife and 4 kids, and then it goes again. He is not mine to worry about, let his W and children do that </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can relate to your quoted statement (above)...I start to cry throughout the day..and sometimes am not sure what even set it off...it is like a deep grieving...grieving over the A...and over the pain it caused everyone..and yes, grieving over missing the OM also....to be honest with you...

Lisa - let us know what you come up with to replace the 'pretzels'...I like JL's idea of toffee and shortbread...lol...when I think of praying to God to help me place a hedge of protection around myself (i.e. to help reinforce my decision and strength to not call the OM)....I now have this vision of being surrounded by all types of food...man, but what a way to go! H would definitely cart me off to the funny farm if I start encircling myself with plates of food..either that or the fat farm.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Lisa - I pray that your H's anger will soon subside a little at least...hopefully to the point where the raging will ease up...I know how it feels to be in your position...and I know how much it hurts..I also find myself wondering if the OM thinks about me..if he misses me, etc...have been trying to figure that one out, too....I am so glad you posted back to me!

JL - I did call H and it helped somewhat..it didn't ease all of the 'voices' clawing and clamoring inside me...wow, I sound like a person auditioning for a role in "Sybil"..wasn't that the movie about the schizophrenic/multiple personality lady? Or was that "All About Eve"? Phew..my mind is jumping around here..sorry folks.. I actually agree with the analogy of addiction used on this board. I struggled for years with a drug and alcohol addiction (when I was a teen) and attended 12 step programs for over 10 years...drugs, alcohols, overeating, gambling..and yes, even affairs...are all a symptom of a bigger problem. I have an issue with compulsive, addictive, obsessive behavior...I made the OM my 'drug of choice'...to medicate/fix what was wrong inside of me..and even that did not last...I keep looking to outside things and people to fix my insides..but the answer doesn't reside there. It's like trying to put a little tiny bandaid on a ruptured artery...it won't work! I had been wondering how many WS's actually had addictive type personalities that had been demonstrated in various ways way before they ever had an A. Many posts I read on here talk about overspending, drinking, etc....along with A's. It would be interesting to do a review/survey and see how many WS's had other behavioral symptoms that the BS knew/saw before an A ever took place. Hey, I guess I could even 12 step my way through the withdrawal process with the OM..I never thought about it...One Day At A Time...that is what I had to do when detoxing from the alcohol and drugs....sometimes..one hour....one minute at a time..and I knew the drugs and alcohol were NOT good for me..and that they would eventually result in my death if I didn't stop...yet it was like a moth drawn to a flame.

I am a firm believer in the fact that addiction is a physiological problem not just a mental/emotional problem. I remember when I was in a treatment center, the doctors showed up slides of images of the brain for people who had drug/alcohol addiction versus those who did not. The difference was amazing! They also told us that the differences in the slides were not due to 'damage' inflicted by the alcohol/drugs..they were pictures of genetic type differences..that is also why you seen repeated examples of addictive type behavior passed down from generation to generation within a family (although it can skip a generation). When one of my friends scoffed at this, I had her do a 'family tree' and pinpoint all the relatives that had had 'drinking, gambling, overeating, drug' problems, etc. She was shocked at the pattern she saw unfold.

Wow, did I go off on a rabbit trail or what? Sorry all...

Al09cred - I have been seeing a pastor at the church..but would really like a true marriage counselor. The first one we had was just awful!! You are right that there are 'no easy roads'....Thanks for the advice about seeing someone to resolve why I feel the need to call, etc....and I am glad you are here..no matter what your marital status is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Princess0413 - You are correct..many of us WS's will portray..or will allow the portrayal..that the OP was a terrible..awful person...I had a relationship with this person..and I fell in love with him..and part of me still loves him..or actually..what I thought he was...to this day...as bad as that sounds.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> However, I want my M..more than I want the OM...I want to replace in my heart..and my thoughts...my feelings for the OM..with feelings for my H...so that one day...everything is focused properly on my H..and that if I ever think of the OM...it is without any emotional attachment at all. Man, I look forward to that day!! Everything you said made sense to me and it did help!

Folks, I can't say how much it means that you took time to respond...it has helped ease some of the anxiety..and has made me think...well, better get back to my pretzels and toffee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Regards,

YR

YR,

You know if you keep your mouth full of pretzels and toffee, you cannot call OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Keep calling your H, you will see that gradually those calls will fulfill you.

You know since you are aware of the 12 step programs and you have been through rehab, then you are really well set up to handle this. It is one hour, one day at a time.

It would seem that you are searching for something to fill that hole within you. You are strong enough to realize that no one and no drug can do it. It is a very wise observation.

YR, I think there is something that you have not realized. It is clear from your posts and what you have been through, that you are a very very strong young woman. I doubt you realize this, but it is soooo obvious. Even your struggles with the OM, you are winning. You have come through drug and alcohol rehab and apparently successfully.

I think you need to talk with your Pastor, but I think you need to discuss with him not just the hole within you but something else. I think you need to discuss what to do with your strength. Yes, you heard me right, my guess is that your problem isn't that you are weak, but that you are strong and have talents and figured out how to focus and use them. I would urge you to explore with your Pastor your strengths and talents and see if you can begin to get a focus for them. As you do this and learn to balance this focus with the rest of your life: marriage and H, my bet is you are going to do very well.

YR, someone here has the tag line on their posts:"A diamond is a lump of coal that did very well under pressure." I love that saying, and I think it might apply to you.

Focus on learning your strengths, it is clear you are strong, very strong.

God Bless,

JL

YR - It's great to hear we are helping. In my opinion it is not a matter of replacing feelings and thoughts. When you were with OM you never replaced your feelings and/or thoughts of your H. Allow them to be, close the chapter, and learn from it. Now, once that is done rekindle the feelings that have fallen deep inside of you. Bring them to the surface and allow the remainder of your book of life to focus on all that is good in that. When you think of OM you can think of him without emotion, but you can also think of him without hate, which is what you are trying to feel for him in an effort to fix things.

You cannot get back what you have lost, and that is something very hard for us to accept when we have reached the point of facing the trecharous destructive road we walked down. Work on today and tomorrow (the now and the future). Let the past be the past, close the chapter, and create a much better tomorrow. If you allow the love to resurface that you have for your H, when you think of OM he will just be another chapter of life, no more no less.

Take care, and try to stay relaxed. I wish you the best.

JL - your powers of perception are beginning to make me nervous <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Actually, I have always been told that I am very strong-willed...shoot, don't know where that get that from. Cute comment about the fact that if my mouth is full..I can't call the OM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

OK, on a more serious note....yes, I'm still looking for something to fill the whole...the OM..my H...something...and yes, I know better...therein lies the stupidity of it all...I know better...

Throughout my life I have had people tell me I'm strong...but I always felt it was my way of bluffing through my fear...inside I'm a puffy marshmallow...acting like a pit bull on the outside in order not to give in to what scares me...my H always used to ask how come I don't seem afraid..and how I have been able to get where I am career wise...and I just tell him..it's because I don't let myself give in..to the desire to give up..I tell myself it is a luxury I can't afford...and I always try to force myself to believe I can do anything..no matter what someone else says..(while inside..my heart and my knees are knocking together)...

I've always considered myself to be a big faker..albeit a usually successful fake....

I did take a "Spiritual Gifts/Talents" assessment test at my church about 8 weeks ago. It was part of a series of progressive classes they had offered (in a series of 4). The church is supposed to review and place me in 'service' somewhere...I did meet with our pastor over it..and he said he had many ideas on where to utilize me....(I told him I really needed to get involved...I did this with 12 step programs also..we called it service work...we tried to encourage people to get 'out of themselves'...and do something for someone else...it worked like a charm every time)...I ran into him at Starbuck's last weekend..and reminded him I was still waiting to hear from him. (PS: I'm a 'baby Christian'...I was a lifelong atheist until half-way through my affair..I feel like I'm still floundering somewhat on the spiritual foundation side)

I will try to talk with him again this weekend...I don't usually give up easily. Thanks for all your encouragement...it has meant alot!

Princess0413: yes, when I was with OM..I didn't have to replace feelings for H...the feelings for OM just came naturally when he met my EN's. The feelings came at a great shock to me! I didn't think I could ever feel anything for a man except intense dislike. I had resolved to 'never let my guard down'..and I did so with devastating results...I look forward to being in the state of mind you describe. You have been most kind..and I thank you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Regards,

YR

Yellowrose;
You are very wise. You feel the pull to call the other man and come here instead.
In my first marriage, I became involved with om. My husbands mistress was his beer and I was really lacking attention. This good looking guy gave me all the attention and compliments that I was missing at home. I never thought I could have an affair, but I did. It wasn't long before I realized that it was wrong, sin etc..and confessed to my husband.
The first few months were so hard-I was plagued with guilt. Yet other times I would feel this pull back to OM.I had a hard time giving myself physically to my husband-I wasn't sure who I was cheating on! It took a LONG time and alot of wrestling with my conscience.
I would not wish that pain on anyone. I think it would be easier to be on the other end then the one that cheated.
You ARE strong-it's just going to take time. Best of luck to you.

YR,

You know there are no "baby Christians". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So you don't need to apologize. Strength, lets talk about strength vs. bluffing.

In the military, it is often said that true hero's are scared to death, but they do it anyway. Those that have no fear, are just NUTS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Sort of the saying about pilots. There are old pilots and bold pilots, but there are no old bold pilots.

Where am I going with this? You are confusing strength with confidence. You see if you would let your H in, and showed him your fears and yes your weaknesses, I suspect he would help you. If all you have really showed him is your strength, your courage, your determination, what is he to love??? You let OM in. You need to let your H in.

I will tell you few things about strength on an everyday level. I have many friends who have been very successful: financially, politically, militarily, just about any way you can name. The most successful people are always humble. They know it took luck, work, help from other people. They know they are good at what they do so they are confident, but they also know that good fortune smiled on them.

There is another tier below them, and these are the ones you often read about or hear about. They think they did it ALL themselves. They claim no fear, and great insight, plus intelligence. My view is that they aren't smart enough to recognize luck when they get it.

While, it is good that you seek to help others. I was addressing something more that I sense within you. You don't seem to be in the right place professionally or personally so your strength is misdirected. Strength means you are strong enough to withstand blows, but not fight back. You don't need to. It means you can see other peoples weaknesses and not feel compelled to use them against them, but rather to help them.

Let's talk about your H for just a second. What are his weaknesses, what are the things he fears most, is he uncertain about things? I'll bet you have some ideas. Do you use those weakness to defend or do you use your strengths to help. I point this out for the obvious reason he probably needs your help. But I would like you to consider it from a professional standpoint.

Why don't you like men? You are strong enough not to have to fear them. They have weaknesses and failure points as you do. You aren't dealing with them from a position of strength are you? You didn't deal with your H from that position either did you. But, you allowed OM in and you got hurt. Actually, not only you got hurt, so did your H.

Interesting isn't it how vulnerable your H is to what you do. Do you realize the power you hold over your H? If not, consider it. With a few well chosen comments or a few actions (an affair) you can crush his whole world. But if you do, he will survive, just as you would. And that is my point. Strength doesn't mean you don't get hurt, it means you can survive it and keep going and do even better. Your fear of opening up, is hurting you, and yet you ARE strong enough to do just that with your H.

Keep looking inward YR. I think you have sold yourself short, and because you have you have sold your marriage and your life short. I look forward to hearing from you.

God Bless,

JL

JL - I had planned to reply to your latest post on my thread today...but I am too weary and emotionally worn out to go into detail...

I just wanted you to know that I have not picked up the phone to call the OM yet...but...it is so incredibly hard...

Got some huge LB's from my H this morning...he raged at me..and then left....

I just feel like giving up...I never knew how hard it was to do a Plan A...I thought it would be easier for me since I am the WS..at least easier for me than for the BS's since I should have even more incentive to do Plan A behavior because I'm the one who had the A...

Dear God...I never knew it would be this hard..or still hurt this much...it is like a double load of all the worst things...and all my fault..

I was so shocked at the raging this morning..don't know why since it happens often...but I had tried so very very hard...to do all the right things..and had it all dumped right back in my face..man, I never knew how hard the BS's had it..and I still don't..because they have the additional pain of being the betrayed party...

BS's - you have my deepest admiration...I don't see how you do it...I don't know that I can go on much longer...I'm sick and tired...of being sick and tired...

I'm leaving the house now with my kids....if I stay here...I'm going to pick up that phone...and make a call that I shouldn't...

YR

Dear Yellow Rose

DON'T DO IT!!!!! Even though you are having a bad day, you know it will make it worse if you call OM.

I can't post for long now, but I had a thought about addictive behaviour when I was out cycling today and playing tennis - I have found an alternative to pretzels, but think that exercise (particularly cycling and tennis as I have to concentrate on what I'm doing), is less fattening and better for me!!!!

Hang in there, and I'll post longer when I can.
Lisa

Yellow Rose,
Are you OK? email me if you want to talk, OK?
I helped other WSs before too, so if you need to talk, I'm happy to help.

Lisa In London and Spacecase:

I didn't call the OM...I stayed with my folks almost all day until late....I came home...and booted up my laptop..and surfed this board for a bit...but was too torn to reply to anyone...although I was so touched that people were still willing to respond to me and try to help.

I got a message from an old friend while I was surfing this board that the OM was online on the old chat server I used to go to..and it took everything I had not to connect to that server and message him..I feel completely desperate for some love...some affection...without the hate..and anger...and blame from my H...

I want to be loved desperately...with kindness...I want someone who doesn't need me for my money..but just for me...I am so brokenhearted right now...I feel like I am grieving twice...once for having to accept that the OP can never ever be a part of my life...and knowing that I'm in a marriage...where my H likes to bully..and threaten...and blame...and when he does it with a calm tone of voice...he acts like I'm completely nuts when I tell him what he has said is mean and abusive. I've asked him to read His Needs, Her Needs...Love Busters....go to counseling, etc. - he hasn't...and now..with my A..I feel he thinks he is totally justified in treating me however he wishes...as he has said...I'm a filthy wh*re.....

You know..the sad thing is..deep down inside..I wonder if he is right...

I sat on the floor of our closet this morning..crying...and wondering if I should just quit now..get a divorce..give up custody of the kids...(they don't want to choose between us)...and move away...he had more choice words to share with me this morning...I'm tired of getting beaten up emotionally folks...

I borrowed some Xanax from my Dad..so I can get thru today with my H home...maybe if I'm numb..it won't hurt so much...I know this is what I get for having an A..but will it ever end? I'd rather he just pulled out a gun and shot me if he hates me so much..it would be far more kind...

H took kids to church...this is first time I have not gone...sometimes I go with kids..and without H...because he is 'too tired'....etc....etc....I told him today...that I really wasn't up to going..and I got a lecture...go figure....

Well, I'm going to take my Paxil...and the Xanax before he gets back in the next hour....hopefully it will kick in soon!

SC: Thanks for the offer to email you...I may take you up on that...I only have my work email now although I don't have a problem with emailing you that way...I agreed to give up all anonymous emails..even though I truly did not communicate with the OP anymore....I think you can understand this demand from my H...it just still hurts in a way..because I have a huge need for privacy (not secrecy)..and now I will never have any privacy again because of the A....Not having my privacy...is a huge LB for me..although I understand that I can't be trusted...and it's my fault I no longer have privacy...but it is killing me inside....

YR