Hi,
Ia'm not sure where to begain,actually i don't even feel like being here no disrespect at all. I a'm having a terrible time with my H. We have been together now 11 yrs and so many hurtfull things has happened to me. 1 his lies that never end,2 his disrespect,3 put downs toward me, and so on. Well anyways about 3 weeks ago i left to go visit my mom's for 2 weeks, after returning home my H went from being a jerk for such a long time to all of a sudden to prince charming. What the he** is going on? Now my friends did tell me that he came to them saying he wanted to start making me happy, was tried of fighting. But to me that don't make no since to me, this sudden change. I reailze a person can change, but this fast????? in 3 weeks? when never before it diden't matter to him. But now what really scares me is, if this is a true change,i feel like it is to late now for me to work on my marrige. I haven't been able to make love to him for a very long time nothing is there any longer. He even told me if i can't get past all that he has done to me then we have no marrige. but how does a person get past this, if lies are still coming in? and i told him this. He then said again i have not lied to u. I know he has cause in my snoop software i saw all kinds of HARD core porn, but can't tell him i know this outher wise he will wonder how i know this. And on the councleing he told me he would make a appt a long time ago for help on his lies, but as far as he goes is just getting in the phone book and marking a place and then stops, don't go any further. I told him he needs to make the call and all he ever says to me is i will. but don't, I a'm sick of allways having to be the 1 to ask him to make this call, which i have several times. He needs to do this to show me he wants to try. not me. i even told him after the first time he goes alone if they want me to come in with him i would. but as i said he won't go any futher than just looking in the phone book. I have had it!!!!!!!!! I have done all i know to do. what is that old saying u can't help someone that don't want to help them selves. please any insight?

ITD_45,

Of course a person can make the decision to change themselves within a two week period. Why is it hard for you to see that he got a taste of what life would be like without you? Thus causing him to want to change, for you.

Do you want your marriage? I know what you said in your post, but that appears to be emotion speaking. If you do want your marriage then STOP. It makes NO difference WHO makes the call for counceling. He has agreed to go, right? So make him an appointment and take him by the hand and go with him.

Now, the snoop software. I told you when you first thought of using it that you may find out things that would hurt. Well, ok you did. Stop hiding the fact that you are using it and show him. It may be an LBer but so what. What do you think you are doing by sneaking around behind his back using it? In essence you are doing to him what you can't stand him doing to you...LYING. Honesty, remember?

If he is telling the truth about wanting to change for you and the marriage he won't have a major problem with proving it via the spyware. If he does have a problem with it then you should get rid of it. Someone has to make the first move, why not you?

I wish you the best in whatever you do. Sorry if this seems a bit strong, I don't mean it as a flame.

jd

JDmac1,
Yes your post was a little strong, And it did bother me alot! I have tried in this marrige in so many aspects. care to be a little more understanding once in awhile? i was told to come here to vent to, that it would make me feel better and it did, up till now. i don't need ripped apart now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Cathy,

I did the same thing....snooping through email and websites I am a programmer so I know I had my own snoop software:-) truth is I found out everything I didn't want to know but had to know! My husband did the same thing with the counseling bit ...I will I will blah blah blah and never do it...I have been gone for a month and guess how long he has been going to counseling......3 weeks. I stories are so similar it is scary.....but I know you know that this is going in circles so someone has to make the change......

Natalie

Cathy,

I did the same thing....snooping through email and websites I am a programmer so I know I had my own snoop software:-) truth is I found out everything I didn't want to know but had to know! My husband did the same thing with the counseling bit ...I will I will blah blah blah and never do it...I have been gone for a month and guess how long he has been going to counseling......3 weeks. I stories are so similar it is scary.....but I know you know that this is going in circles so someone has to make the change......

Natalie

ITD_45,

I'm sorry you are hurting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I think JD's post was right on target. He did his best to offer you some constructive advice. You can't change your H, you can only change you, and learn how to deal with what's going on. He's been down this painful road, as have many of us. So please understand that our advice comes from experience, and from seeing many many stories on this forum.

Please take a deep breath, and read through his post again. THere's some valuable info in there. You said you have done all you know to do. Can we offer some ideas?

What do you think of JD's idea of making the counseling appointment yourself, and asking your H to go with you?

I'd like to also suggest that you read LOTS of other posts on this forum. There are many people in similar situations, and you might can figure out some things on your own when we are not able to respond to your posts right away.

We're not experts here, so please don't be offended easily when you post here, K? Be patient with us, and we'll try to help the best we can.

Hang in there... read and learn...

inthedark,

You asked for advice and JD complied with your wishes and took the time and energy to give you his insight. Please try to be a little more gracious when someone tries to help you. His heart was in the right place and I think you are overreacting by accusing him of ripping you. He did no such thing.

When you ask for advice, you have to be prepared for advice that you may not like and handle it graciously, otherwise people around here won't bother anymore. Sometimes, the advice that bothers us the most is the BEST advice!

I should also add that JD is no newcomer to MB and usually has some pretty good advice, so I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the proffered hand of an oldtimer, especially when you are a newbie. I think you owe him an apology.