Has anyone read Sexual Detours by Dr. Holly Hein? I just read some excerpts of it on the net and really interested in her premises. She believes that the BS obsessing about the OP is simply a waste of time (not so groundbreaking!) because the affair itself has nothing to do with the OP. I found that a little hard to believe , but as I read on she argued that affairs are simply an action taken by those who want an easier route of "starting over", finding a new "love" rather than working on making their real lives better. She also writes that much of an affair is based on past childhood experiences and in fact a WS and OP act much like children, living in fantasies and not seeing things for what they really are, not wanting to accept consequences, not realizing what their actions are doing to the others who love them, etc. She writes it is never about somebody else, it is about ourselves (speaking to WS) and what we want, we project onto the other person, and have a heard time seeing any faults in them. Whereas we (as WS again) see many faults in the BS, often more than are actually there, because this thinking further allows the WS to continue in their fantasy with the OP. She also writes "The emotions lent by an affair are never given for keeps." She writes that the problems never change even if you change partners, because you will take the problems with you from your BS to the OP, over time. That's why she cautions the BS not to get too hung up on the obsessive thinking of the OP, because there is nothing that "special" about them to the WS- it could have been anyone. She writes that while we can certainly have multiple sex partners, we rarely can have even a few TRULY intimate relationships. And they can rarely be substituted (marriage for affair).

What do you think of all that, and this quote "Affairs have nothing to do with love. Most important, an affair is not even about somebody else. It has nothing to do with the OP in your arms- it has to do with what is going on inside."

I think a lot of that makes sense. I read one time that the affair is not really about how you feel about the OP, but how THEY make YOU feel. My H's OW was a 'good listener' which made him feel important and valued. Like in the excerpt you presented, he also saw only her strenghts and all of my faults (including some that he made up to justify his actions).

While he was involved with her, he was NOTHING like the man I married. His morals and values were gone, he didn't care about church or his family anymore, etc. That is not like him at all. Now that he's had counseling and there is time and distance from the OW, he is back to 'himself.' I really believe it was an obsession, he convinced himself that she could 'make' him happy.

In an article I read, it also said that often the spouse gets blamed for the affair when in reality, if the WS was putting more into the marriage the A wouldn't happen in the first place. That was true for us. It got to the point where he was contributing nothing emotionally or physically and as our counselor said 'had all the time in the world for the OW.'

Well, I think it varies. I know there a lot of WS who have gone through years of feeling depressed and have tried to get their spouse to help make the marriage better, and spouse refuses. So in some cases I can feel a lot of empathy towards WS. But I also believe lots of cases are like yours. Most people seem to think the BS wasn't hold up their end of the bargain so to speak and that makes me mad. there have been cases where the BS is doing wonderfully well in marriage and doing the best they can to meet partner's needs, and WS still cheats.

Also, I am starting to HATE hearing WS saying "my needs were not being met". While in some cases I understand (like in example I gave above), sometimes it is ridiculous. I don't believe a spouse can meet the other's needs all the time, 24/7. That's a bit unrealistic. There will be rises and falls in a marriage in terms of meeting needs- it's called FOR BETTER OR WORSE!!!! Argh!
also I think some WS (and yes in some cases BS) expectations of what needs should be met are little screwy.

Also in these book excerpts (I'm going to order it- really interesting concepts) the author states it is unrealistic to compare a marriage to an affair because for a WS, the affair will always look more appealing. And i can see why....you are comparing something new and exciting to something comfortable, "worn in" and settled, maybe even a bit mundane. The WS and OP show their best sides to each other, don't have to worry about everyday responsibilities in their relationship, can commiserate on how unhappy they are in their marriage and sometimes spouse bash together, and simply don't SEE each other in an every day light! You don't really know someone until you live with them 24/7, or at least see them every day and deal with everyday relationship issues! The WS and OP don't have to deal with the little things like who's going to wash the dishes, talk (argue?) over finances, clean the house, discipline the kids. In short, the WS and OP get the "best" part of a love relationship- the dates, the one on one conversations, the affection, the sex. If I were a WS I'd prob. pick the affair, too! Also, the author states the intervals betwee meetings of the WS and OP provides anticipation which leads to excitement, and that almost always leads to the fantasizing.