H has been gone to our vacation place with a friend to go fishing, and I've been crying nearly the whole weekend...have gotten next to nothing done around here.
One of my two best friends has been diagnosed with State 4 ovarian cancer. She is only 49, and her life just finally came together 2 years ago.
For background, her xH is the creep who bugged her patio, listened to me confide in her about my suspicions regarding Cafe Woman, and made a point of warning my H of my suspicions. Thanks to him, things blew up and I was never able to determine the truth about my H's relationship with CW (although I know there was something there).
Anyway, she was the hospice care nurse for her current H's 1st wife about 9 years ago. 2-1/2 years ago, she met up with her H, they had a whirlwind courtship and married 2 years ago. Due to their prior acquaintance under extremely sad circumstances, they each already KNEW the kind of character the other had and had tremendous respect for each other, so love blossomed very quickly for them. Two years later, they are still very much in love. They have already weathered some difficulty in that their home burned to the ground a couple of days before they were to return from their honeymoon cruise (xH????). Anyway, they built a lovely new home on the same site, she has an adorable granddaughter, they are so in love....and now this
MONSTROUS DISEASE!!!!!! Without chemo, she probably only has a few months. She has had surgery, and they weren't able to remove all the affected organs. She is leaning toward not having chemo, as she says she doesn't want to go through the torture of the treatment. I told her that she has to do what is best for herself...
I am concerned, though, that she may be planning to forego chemo only to spare her H and kids from a long, drawn-out illness. She is that type of person....always taking on the care of her whole family. She was a lifesaver for me when we lost our two babies. My kids consider her to be their "other mother".
I've been thinking, "It's so UNFAIR!" But, then, I think, "No, what would REALLY have been unfair would be for this to have happened while she was still married to the creep (who was a serial cheater and abuser)." I am SO GLAD that she has had these last two years of happiness with her current H.
Another concern is that, even though she may not have chemo, she will just sit around waiting to die. That is SO unlike her, so I am really concerned about that. I am praying that she will be able to work through her grief and anger and find the strength to make the most of the time she does have left.
I have been trying to think of words to encourage her. I was planning to go see her today, but I'm too weepy for that. Maybe tomorrow.
Anyway, all of this just makes my own situation more depressing to me.
Yes, I know my H is no longer cheating and yes, he IS more affectionate and loving toward me. However, there is still so much emotional distance between us...and I don't feel as though he really has much physical desire for me, although we do have SF and he tries to meet my SF needs. I still want him to ask me to remarry him, but he doesn't want to. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> This whole thing with my best friend reminds me of something I told him the last time we had a discussion (OK, had a fight) about renewing our vows. I told him that if we should ever find out that AI had a terminal illness and he THEN decided to ask me to marry him, I would divorce him right then. Another friend of mine always wanted to go on a Meditteranean cruise, but her H never wanted to go until they learned that her cancer had returned with a vengeance. Her response to him was one of anger, "What do I look like? F***ing "Make a Wish"?" I can understand her anger. She dies a few months later, <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> and her H regrets not wanting to fulfill her desire until it was too late.
Anyway, all this is really getting to me this weekend. I can't seem to stop crying. I am almost 52 years old, and for the past 29 years of our 32 years of marriage, I have never had what I really need from this marriage. Yes, I do still love my H, but should I have to go through the rest of my life with the emotional distance that still remains between us because he refuses to answer the questions I have...because he refuses to be completely truthful with me? Should I have to continue to suppress my questions because he doesn't want to talk about it....EVER?
Do I not have a right to know if there is any possibility that he fathered another child around the time that I was pregnant with our daughter? I've never mentioned this before, but about 3 years ago, a young man who was about our daughter's age accused my H of being his father. Now, apparently, this young man (who has since died in an auto accident) was supposed to have mental problems as well as being an alcoholic. But, of all the people in town, why would this boy fixate on my H as his father??? I have also learned that his mother was pregnant when she married and the general concensus was that the boy could have been anybody's, as she was known to sleep around with anybody and worked at the beer joint that my H frequented at the time. And, it was while I was pregnant with my D that my H changed drastically from the loving and emotionally open H that he had been for the first 3 years of our marriage.
This has turned out to be a dadblamed book, but I guess it's been therapeutic, as my tears are starting to dry up...and taking 2 Effexor might have helped, too.
Anyway, I have just about decided that I need to go see a psychiatrist. My previous counseling helped, but my counselor came to feel that no matter how much I changed myself, until my H faced his own issues, our marriage would never really heal. I kind of think she was right, but I think I really need to get stronger help with dealing with my own issues. Right now, I need help with my issue in that I can only count on one hand the number of people that I have trusted who have NOT betrayed me in one way or another, and my best friend is one of them.
Thanks for letting me vent (whine)!
<small>[ August 25, 2002, 02:26 PM: Message edited by: Lady Clueless ]</small>
