Hi Danny C,
I can understand what you mean. I can really understand. As we BS do feel compaired, don't we. We crave to feel desired and we crave for the feelings that OW was getting, don't we???
Well I can only say that your gut will answer this question. Very early in recovery, I didn't trust anyone in the whole wide world, not even MYSELF!!!
My gut had told me that something was wrong and it took quit a long time for me to understand that I had to trust myself in order to regain trust in anyone else. I had to really listen to what my gut was telling me and never again ignore my feelings.
This was a very difficult battle, let me tell you. Not trusting myself and all the confusing feelings that were going through my mind almost made me crazy at times.
But I have learned to trust myself again and win back a great deal of self-confidence. (this was flushed down the toilet too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> )
Slowly but surely I was able to see myself positive again. I was able to tell myself that I'm a good person. I listed all of my positive points and and I'll be forever working on my negetives.
Since I have learned that I do have many positive points I really brought them out. Slowly but surely I saw the change in my H reactions towards me.
Even though he quit his affair immediately and stopped all contact, I felt compaired. I didn't feel that the love he had for me was real. I wanted my H to act excited and I wanted him to be romantic and all the things he was with OW.
Within time, I have calmed down and I think I understand that this will never happen, at least not like it did in his A.
OW brought out other sides of my H. Sides that didn't make him feel comfortable. Sides that couldn't make him feel relaxed the way he can be in our marriage. Sides that were just not him.
I hope you understand me. The feelings he had towards OW (their affair lasted 3 months) were the hairy+flairy sides that everyone experiences when they start a new relationship. They had nothing to do with the realistic world. Their feelings were neglecting, egoistic, tra la la........
It took alot of time and many discussions until we both realized that my H's affair was based on past memories and dreams that we had shared.
Many things that he shared with OW were the same that we had shared. Hope this isn't getting too complicated. It wasn't OW that he loved it was the memories that "we" had shared and the closeness to one another that he missed.
He really became aware of this when we once talked about how OW described OWH and why she didn't/couldn't love him. My H felt real bad as it was as if she was descibing him and the way my H was treating me. (I actually see this as a positive point of his affair)
He told me that if he ever had anything to tell her, he would tell her that she has the best OWH in the world. (My H had made the same mistakes OWH had made)
I actually didn't have to tell my H what he had to change. OW had done this. She told him what made her hate OWH and what turned her off about OWH. She was actually describing my H too and he NEVER would of told OW that he was the same to me.
OW had told my H that OWH worked too much and stunk when he came home from work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> She told my H that this almost made her throw up and turned her off completely. OWH always needed a nap when he came home. She hated that !!!! (my H works alot too and he stinks when he comes home <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He always needs a nap when he comes home! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
I believe that my H loves me because I have never turned him down and I have loved him for his good sides and his bad sides. It has never turned me down when he comes home and stinks! I have always admired him for working so hard and I was always aware that he has given me and our family the best . I had just forgotten to tell this to him.
There are so many reasons why I know that he loves me. I don't think that he ever stopped loving me, not even during his affair. He was just craving for these good feelings.
My gut has told me that he feels comfortable and is happy with our relationship. My gut tells me that this is true and I feel very comfortable too.
I can tell that he loves me by the way that he looks at me. He shows great interest and he asks me questions. It is important for him to hear my answers.
He is patient and understanding. He wants to please me sexually and isn't just the "taker" he had once been.
He brings me flowers and will give me hug out of the blue! He makes me feel desired and shows me alot of affection. His eyes "twinkle" again when I tell him that I luv him.
He shows me his deep feelings without shame, he will even cry with me.
These are all signs for me that tell me that he loves me.
Sorry, that this has gotten so long. Hope you have a nice day!!!
take care
BB
