I started a new thread because I didn't want to take over Oaktown's thread on a new direction.

You wrote: "Good thoughts, all, but I remain curious as to the things ww's want and need to hear, what can a betrayed husband say to make them feel better ? Or is it best never to mention anything about it ever again ?"

To the contrary, it is quite counterproductive to "never mention anything about it ever again". I think that WSs, like BSs, wish it would just all go away as if it had never happened. That does not mean we should try to make it so, in so many words. Sure, having it brought up hurts, as it hurts you. I think that for many, especially those WSs in recovery, it hurts most to see and feel all of the BSs pain. At least that is how it is for me.

My DH has asked me if that is what I want, for him to never mention it again. I have told him no. I understand that we need to work together on it, and that discussing it when the need arising is crucial to that. However, I just need him to understand that because I hurt and I have feelings in regard to it does not mean that I am in any way undermining his feelings. I told him that his feelings are just as real and that I acknowlege them.

All he has to do is acknowledge mine as real too. It's not a matter of who feels more, or one persons feelings meaning more of having more value. Both of our feelings are just as important. It's just a matter of us both being able to express them, have them acknowledged, and using them to continue to learn and grow.

Like I said in my post to Oaktown, it helped just knowing it was ok to feel that way. We may not always be able to fully understand eachothers feelings to the extent that the other person feels them, and part of that is because it's not the way we would have felt, or the way we would have reacted or handled things. It's just important to say I understand how you say you feel that way. It's not necessarily agreeing that the feelings are right or saying they are wrong. It's saying, I can see how YOU would feel that way. Then, it's saying it's ok for YOU to feel the way YOU do because they are YOUR feelings and they are real.

It goes the same both ways. See, if both the BS and WS doe this, it helps a lot. It say we can both have our feelings, talk about this without fear, cry over them, express our wish that they were never caused, but that we know they are and continue forward. We all wish it had never happened, and we have to feel safe to say that without feeling like we are saying "ok, let's be done with it. Push it under the rug, and start from here." It's just saying, I wish I hadn't caused you to feel that way, and it hurts me to see you hurt.

I hope this makes sense. If here is anything else I can add, just ask. Also, if something is a bit unclear, ask, I'll try to clarify it.

Bump up for Jack.

I had an EA and it took me a lot to get over it. Well, I might not be over it yet, but trying hard.
I have a question: what if my H doesn't show any consideration or acknowledgment of what happened, what if he wants me to deal with all my feelings by myself, doesn't want to talk about feelings at all. He just believes that it was stupid, I should get over it on my own and stop bothering him with soul-searching. He doesn't yell or gets angry, but gets annoyed when I want to talk about us, not the A but us.
Any ideas?

Far Away,

Just a general comment. When men hear that woman want to talk about "us". It is usually interpretted that the woman wants to tell the man ALL of the things they have been doing wrong in a relationship.

I know of no instances in my life or anyone's life that I know of or even on this site when a woman wanted to talk about "us", that much of anything good was said to the H/BF whatever. Now it may be true it these were things he NEEDED to hear, but that still didn't make it pleasant. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So his reluctance to have this discussion is pretty normal. Now if you wanted to talk about YOU and how you were doing and that you had problems that you needed his help in dealing with, THEN you just might get a different response.

Far Away, communications is a two way street as you undoubtably know, but for men it is often a very painful street. Why? They in general are uncomfortable with relationship talks, they don't like to discuss their feelings, and if a loved one wants to "talk" it is almost always bad news. So if you want to change this thinking in your H, you need to be cognizant of the fact that these discussions are often like going to a denist. They don't have to be, but most women never realize that men do not converse with each other in the same manner that women do. They don't realize how negative these discussions can be. Why? men are very sensitive to what women say.

So Far Away I think a little brainstorming on your part might just get you to where you want to be, but don't assume that he views these discussions as you do. They are necessary and as you can see from the number of us guys posting here we can and do learn how to converse in this "feelings", "needs" language, but it is not OUR NATIVE TONGUE. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hope this gives you something to think about.

God Bless,

JL

JL, thank you for the reply. I still torture myself, but DH thinks that the confusion is gone from my system. He knows that I saw OM a month ago and didn't ask questions. He doesn't feel threatened and he shouldn't, but I still have a strong pull towards OM, but have to deal with that on my own. It seems unfair to H that I share it with him, that there is something I miss here. I am not to see OM for long time: he is overseas, but I am tempted to stay in touch. Should I fight it by myself or dump it on H for help?

If you are familiar with Dr.Harley's "Marriage States of Mind" concept, my H and I had been in Intimacy for first 15 years. I am guilty of slipping out of it to Conflict almost 2 years ago but resistant to go into Withdrawal. He wants me to become "perfect" W again because all his needs are met, but I can't put my finder on what is missing here for me. I know I should take care of myself but afraid to go into silence instead of intimacy because something is wrong, I just don't know what.

Thanks again.

Thanks Princess I am a babe at this internet stuff but manged to post a new thread for the list.Love your new name but Tutter will always have a place in my heart. Fire away at the list Ill bet you ahve some beauties.

Jack