I feel like an idiot for even trying a Plan B since H obviously is still crazy for OW. He keeps telling me he has not said that he DOESN'T want to work on the marriage, but he hasn't said he does either. Fence sitting? Please help with any encouragement or feedback possible. He says he is very frustrated with the situation (i.e. reality of only visitation with our daughter and other realities of being separated) It seems obvious that he isn't frustrated about me or missing me. Why can't he just commit?
Anne,
I received your e-mail again today.
Again, I am sorry for your pain. You were correct in stating that Kevin holds the key.
I love him and will always love him as well, but I want what he wants. I will totally respect him if he decides to keep working on his marriage for yours and Tierney's sake. He has to make this ultimate decision. I really wish he could do that for both our sakes.
Tracy
Please don't respond to this e-mail.
If you must e-mail me - you can do so at nottootan1@aol.com
From: AnneFeit@aol.com
Reply-To: AnneFeit@aol.com
Date: Thu, 22 Aug 2002 11:21:16 EDT
To: tnelson@gentechol.com
Subject: (no subject)
Tracy,
I just wanted you to know where things stand for me, the wife of the man you are involved with. I love him and I always will love him. I have a child with him, and that will forever connect us. I will always be motivated to improve myself to make him happy and for us to fall in love again.
Sincerely,
Anne Brennan
Dear Kevin,
I wanted to email you because I find it so difficult to talk with you since we continue to frustrate each other.
First I want to apologize, once again, for the mistakes I have made in our marriage. I am sorry to my very soul for not realizing that I was tearing you down with my tone of voice and criticalness. I am sorry for not being more affectionate and extremely lacking in the sex department. I did not do any of this intentionally, but was obviously not taking my responsibility for my part in what was going wrong. This environment made you vulnerable to an affair.
I have learned and continue to learn more about myself and am making the changes needed to become the wife that you desire. I promise that I will never knowingly make you unhappy again and will always strive to not be defensive when you share with me when I come up short. I've been trying to give you hope for the marriage by learning how to be a better wife to you, to give you hope that you could have a marriage that you wanted, and for us to live as a family together.
I know that we can start anew and rebuild our marriage the way we now see that we would like it to be, but only if we are both truly committed to doing so. I would like more than anything else in the world to put our mistakes behind us and build a better life together. We have had many happy times, though they seem to have faded into the past, the core respect and love we have always had for each other still remain, albeit under layers of hurt and anguish.
The past months have been difficult for me, the most emotionally traumatic in my life. We seemed to start recovery, only to slip and fail again. I am still feeling the hurt and pain when I find out that you have not completely put Tracy out of your life and are hiding it from me. It hurts me tremendously for you to have such a strong attachment to another and have your energies put into another, and not your wife and our relationship.
In the past I endured hurt and pain, I now see it only drains my love for you. Until you can truthfully commit to letting go of the past and moving forward to work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I will be having no communication with you and I will avoid seeing you. Please choose a family member or friend as a go between to arrange for visits with Tierney. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left. I fear that is where you already are emotionally now and without at least one of us still loving and hoping for reconciliation, we are lost. I am trying to retain my love for you and will continue to try and do so.
I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way.
I know that Tierney's well-being is uppermost in your mind, so we need to find a way for her to be provided for so that I can be her full time parent. She is entitled to have me home with her and so we need to make a plan for financial support.
If you need to contact me, please do so through email or leave a message at my parents' house 949-760-8419.
I want us to work together, and create our new marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. It is fixable. With God's help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself and find the strength we will need to do this. You always say, it is all in your mind! You hold the key.
As soon as you are willing to permanently discontinue contact with Tracy, demonstrate it in a credible way, and are willing to follow measures to ensure total and permanent separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.
We must commit to our marriage and to each other as our number one priority in every way. And we must both agree to marriage recovery that lets us avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness; helps us meet each other's emotional needs; shows us how to give each other our undivided attention; and is Honest - where we are totally open and honest with each other. Only our willingness to talk openly and use counseling can help us do this.
I think you need to take this time to face your demons, as I have faced mine, and figure out what you want. I can't control what you do, nor will I try to change you anymore. I can't do that and I accept that. I'm sorry if I hurt you because of it. I realize I have to take care of me now. I can only control me and change myself. Only you can control and change you, if you choose to. I am fixable, you are fixable, this is fixable. Meanwhile, I need to keep myself sane and best able to be a good parent to Tierney.
I understand how difficult this is for you as well, and I will make every effort to help you and support you as we work through this together. I know that you are in pain, can't sleep and feel like you have been untrue to yourself, but I hope that by becoming real partners we can both find our way back to happiness and peace of mind.
I love you Kevin. You will always be very special to me. You are the only person I have allowed myself to love so deeply. I loved you more than life itself while we were together, and I continue to do so as I write this. I have always felt that I was the luckiest girl in the world to have you and your love. I truly thought that I was supporting you by having you go back to school and not have to work, moving to your dream location etc. I see now that I still was not giving you what you needed and I understand that now. I look back through our life and I choose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused and hope that in time you will forgive me too. I just cannot be with you or see you while you are still involved with another and feel the need to have a separate life without me.
Should you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, and go to counseling, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.
Love,
Anne
